Thursday, November 08, 2007

Lying manipulators

Wow. Last post is 6-6-07. Looks like Mike is not happy huh? ;)

I related in previous posts about how I had been accepted as a Ba Gua student by Mike. I then talked about how now, years later, I realized that Mike wanted me to leave almost right after I joined. Mike could not ask me to leave directly, because he would look very bad. Mike was a doctor and a kung fu instructor. He had accepted me as a patient and as a student. How would it look if he asked me to go away?

Instead, Mike played tricks and games, and outright tried to possess me to make me leave. Mike had another student bring one of his friend to class as a new student. That friend then left a month later. The whole thing was rigged to make a point to me. A student could join, and leave right away. Mike hoped to possess me and make me leave after this scenario was played out in front of me. I wouldn't have it. I had health problems I knew without a doubt Mike could cure, if he chose to. I knew without a doubt that Ba Gua was a superior style of kung fu, and that Mike was a superior kind of kung fu man. There was no way I would ever voluntarily leave.

I have to laugh everytime I look back at these events. Mike trying to get me to leave over the years, and me refusing to leave. Part of the blame lies with Mike himself. When I joined, Mike told stories about how the dedicated kung fu man would persevere through anything. Mike talked about how the old kung fu teachers would test their students to determine their desire for kung fu. I ate all of this up and took all of it to heart. When Mike was rude to me or ignored me or neglected my kung fu instruction, I thought it was all part of a test to see if I really wanted Ba Gua.

When Mike tried to get rid of me, I thought every single instance was him testing me. I thought he was pushing me really hard, to see if I was a fly by night kind of person who only wanted kung fu for fun. If I was, when Mike pushed me, I would go away. It didn't work because I wanted to be healthy, and I wanted to learn Ba Gua, more than anything in the world.

That brings us up to the topic for today. This is another one of those posts that is chronologically out of order. I will have to organize all of this for the book later. ;(

There had been very few new students over the 3 years I was there. Maybe 4 or 5. At some point I think Mike felt that new blood was needed. Everyone knew each other, and we were all stagnating. Something needed to be shaken up, and I wonder if Mike thought new blood would be the way to do it.

Like everything having to do with Mike, big plans were made. Serious discussion were held. It was decided there would be a big meeting were everyone would invite someone they felt would be a worthwhile admission to the group. Big as in thinking everyone might invite 4 or 5 people. That would be Steve, Jeff, George, Dan, Me, Lonnie, and Tom inviting 4 or 5 people which would make 35 or so people. A big gathering.

Tom volunteered the use of a vacation home he had that was close by. This sounded like a good idea to everyone so that was agreed upon. The meeting was going to be held on a weekend when everyone would be able to spend the hours required to meet new people and assess them as possible candidates for the group. It was also agreed people would bring some kind of food along. A pot luck kind of situation.

I was hesitant about the meeting. My health problems made it difficult for me to meet new people. I am an extremely perceptive person. Almost all people when they are talking, say one thing while they are thinking another. I can usually see what it is that people are thinking. It is very hard for me to deal with people, because they usually don't think the same things they are saying. I find myself thinking "Why are you telling me verbal lies? I can see your thoughts and your words do not match your thoughts at all". It is very hard for me to smile and be friendly to liars.

Everyone in the group was aware of my reticence. Maybe Mike or one of them brought it up, because it seems like there was some debate about me attending. Funny huh? I am a fellow student, I have been there 3 years, and they are debating whether I should go to this momentous meeting where new students will be judged and possibly brought into the group. I would have no say in any of this if I did not attend.

Everyone was going to drive themselves. I mention this because we all did a lot of carpooling. Lonnie, James and I all lived relatively close together, so we carpooled to many get togethers. No one was carpooling out to Tom's vacation house. This is relevant because it put a burden on me. I had an old beatup untrustworthy car, which was why I carpooled. There was a strong chance that I might not go to the meeting because I did not trust my car, or that the car would actually die on the 30 or 35 mile trip out to Tom's vacation home.

It wasn't until later that I realized that was the plan. To deny me certain transportation, and hope my transportation would break down.

The day of the meeting came and I was nervous. Meeting new people, judging them and assessing them as new students. It found myself wondering if I should go. Then I found myself wondering "What! did I just think?" I lived for Ba Gua. Where were thoughts of "should I go to the momentus Ba Gua meeting", coming from?

I spent some time wandering the house wondering if I should go or not. If you have ever had a car break down, you know why I was hesitant. The thought of being stranded 30 miles from home with a broken down car, on a day I was supposed to be participating in a momentous meeting for Ba Gua was awful. I paced back and forth wondering if I should go.

But my heart new exactly what it wanted. After pacing back and forth and wondering, I grabbed the keys and headed out to the junk car. I was a Ba Gua man, and I was not going to let a junk car prevent me from attending an important meeting with my Ba Gua classmates, and I was not going to let my instructor Mike down by not attending the meeting.

By the time all of this had taken place, I was late. The junk car was slow as well as junk, and the road out to the vacation home was a windy twisting country road. The big junker station wagon chugging out to the vacation house around those curving country roads was a trial all in itself. Wondering if the car would stay together or the engine would die. Wondering if I was going to make the meeting on time or not. Wondering if I had the directions right. I was really on edge.

Then, there it was. The vacation house. It wasn't a vacation house, it was a house in it's own right. It was so beautiful it is hard to describe. The house was located out in the woods. The woods had been allowed to grow so the house seemed surrounded and covered by the greenery. There was a relatively large gravel or dirt parking area. I knew I was at the right spot because I recognized some of the cars. Boy was I relieved. I found the house, the junk car made it, and I was only a few minutes late.

There was something kind of odd though. I only noticed enough cars for the Ba Gua class, and a few others. I expected a parking lot because everyone was supposed to be bringing 4 or 5 people.

I walked into the house and it was just as beautiful as the outside. It had this incredible feeling of peacefulness. There was an area where everyone had dropped their coats and stuff, but no one was around. The meeting had already started. Oh no!

I think Tom must have been greeting people, because I went back into the house into another room. Everyone was in the room performing the warm up exercises. I walked in and everyone might have nodded acknowledgement at me. Everyone stayed quiet and continued with the exercises.

That is when another bit of weirdness hit me. There was maybe three new people in the room. There was the Ba Gua class, and three strangers. Where were the 35 people that were supposed to come? I thought to myself they must be late. It was a long drive and sort of hard to find the house.

We all complete the warm up exercises, and move back into the house. Pleasantries are exchanged among everyone. I said something about how I was sorry I was late and the junk car. Then something happened that I remember as if it was yesterday.

Jeff looked at me and said "I was so glad when I say you walk in. I was like "Yeah, jalon is here!".

My alarm bells went off on full volume. Jeff didn't talk much. He was a serious kind of chinese guy who didn't say much. Jeff was hardly ever happy about anything. He may be acting like he was happy, but it was an act that doctors are trained to put on.

What the heck was going on with Jeff telling me he was glad to see me? So glad he had a big white guy smile on his face? So glad he looked like he wanted to jump at me and hug me?

I couldn't figure it out. It made no sense to me at the time. I wrote it off to nervousness. Jeff was in charge of the meeting. Mike was not going to attend because it was supposed to be about the men's group gaining new members. It was not supposed to be about Mike taking on new students.

It wasn't until years later, like most of the other things in this blog, that I understood what was going on.

My hesitancy at attending the meeting? That was Jeff or Mike. Jeff or Mike were mentally controlling me to stop me from attending the meeting. They really didn't want me to attend, because they really did think I was some kind of embarrassment. They really thought I would put a bad face on the Ba Gua group, which would have some kind of negative impact on the prospective new members.

The only reason I could beat their mental control and attend the meeting, was because I wanted it in my heart. I wanted more than anything in the world to learn Ba Gua, to become a strong Ba Gua man, and to be a part of the Ba Gua group. No matter how much they tried to control my mind, they could not control my heart.

The thing that bothered me about Jeff saying he was glad to see me? Jeff was lying. That was how a kung fu man covers up their true thoughts and actions.

Jeff was not happy I was there. I am guessing they all must have talked among themselves about how I would be a bad influence on the prospective students. When Jeff saw me, he felt unhappy. So, as a kung fu man, he did the exact opposite of what he felt. He told me he was happy to see me. He was giddy with joy at the fact that I had made it to the meeting.

Jeff was lying to my face. I had been in class for 3 years, Jeff and the others thought I was an embarrassment, and Jeff was lying to my face. You can't imagine the feeling of betrayal writing those words generates. My stomach is sinking right this instant. I idolized and trusted those men. And to think they had those feeling about me, and would manipulate me without a thought, is awful.

Mike was always talking about dignity, integrity and honor. Where is the honor in using your ability to manipulate the minds of others, to try to make a student who feels loyalty to you stay away? Where is the dignity in taking advantage of those weaker than you? Where is the integrity of lying to someones face about how glad you are to see them, when you are really thinking you cannot think of a worse disaster that could have happened?

How can they call themselves moral? Or say they aspire to higher morality than "common people". They are liars and manipulators just like those "common people" they think they are better than.

I am so devastated at thinking about how I trusted Jeff and thought he was a good guy, and looking his betrayal in the face by writing it down now, that the rest of this incident will be dealt with in future blog entries.

If you are a kung fu man, you want to take one thing with you from this post. If you find yourself thinking something that is not you, it probably isn't. It is probably your kung fu instructor, or one of your kung fu classmates, who is walking around in your mind thinking for you.