Monday, August 08, 2005

I guess I did measure up

Time went by. A week or 2 or 3. I anxiously awaited word of what the decision was. It was important to me to be accepted to the group. I was certain that Dr G would be able to help me. Eventually, It seemed like a very long time, I received a call from the guy named Jeff. He told me that I was accepted. I would be welcome to join classes and I should go to such and such a place at such and such a time.

I was elated. I thanked Jeff effusively. I was certain that things would take a turn for the better now. My health problems would finally get sorted out.

I attended a meeting at Dr G's house. It was supposed to be a get together meet people kind of meeting. That was when I first began to wonder of some kind of misinterpretation had occurred.

The house was very small. There were probably 10 or 15 people in a very small room. Some of them coming and going for various reasons. Everyone that entered the house was asked to remove their shoes at the door. Everyone was sitting on the floor in whatever position they felt comfortable in.

My health problems had given me anxiety. To be sitting in a very small room with total strangers was stressful. Add in the fact that I felt the pressure of trying to make a good impression etc and I was filled with nervous energy.

At that time I was the kind of person who believed in being quiet most of the time. Watching others and letting them do the talking. There was not a lot of talking going on. Everyone was for the most part sitting silently waiting for everyone to arrive. Being as tense as I was this was too much for me to handle.

I remember sitting there extremely tense. I was leaning forward because the pressure inside of me was so much. As it was not the type of gathering where small talk and idle chit chat occurred, there was no way for me to release the energy.

Dr G walked in and he said "Boy, it sure feels like there is a wall in here". The strangest thing happened. I felt that I could clearly see/feel a large wall emanating from me that was between me and the other people. The wall felt like it was about 4 or 5 feet wide and about 10 feet tall. I was the oddest thing.

I relaxed a little after that as I knew he was referring to me. I felt shamed that I was so tense that I was causing the other people discomfort. I didn't know what to do about it. People were so reserved and solemn, I was anticipatory. I was not a comfortable situation.

Across from me was a woman whose looks I do not recall. They were neither beautiful nor ugly. I do recall she had blond hair and was of average size. I was looking at here because I had to look somewhere. I closed my eyes to get some relief from the pressure of being in the room with all of these strangers. I opened my eyes a few seconds later and she was no longer opposite me.

At the time, the event was surreal. My time sense had distorted so that I swear my eyes closed for only a few seconds. No way was that long enough for her to stand and walk out. From my perspective, I had closed my eye and when I opened them, the women had vanished. Looking back know I think I must have been so nervous that I was blind and deaf. I did not hear here get up and walk out when my eyes were closed.

Eventually everyone arrived and Dr G came into the room. He introduced me and we all said our names. By that time everyone was familiar with my nerves so we all said hello and moved on. Dr G then talked about some theories and ideas from kung fu and chinese medicine.

This was the kind of thing I felt comfortable with. Learning hard facts from another person. I had been asked to bring a notebook with me to the meeting. When Dr G began to speak, I could write down everything he said in the notebook. This gave me something to hold onto, a task to perform. My nerves gradually faded as the night wore on.

There was nothing to special about what he said. Basic ideas about 5 element theory etc. Thinking about it now I believe the meeting was mostly for people to get used to me. As I was so tense and standoffish, I think the meeting's purpose changed. I wonder now if the simple discussion of Chinese medicine topics was really what he had planned or if he was forced into doing it because I was not ready for the social interaction he had planned.

After some time the meeting ended. We all said our goodbyes and left. I was shamed by my difficult behavior at the house. I felt I was at the right place though. The chinese medical theory was exactly the kind of thing I thought could help with my health problems. The serious nature of the other people, even thought I found it intimdating at the time, was the kind of bearing that I admire in people. Serious nature, reserved, dignified.

I was looking forward to what came next. I was told that there were actual kung fu classes that were taught on weekends that I should attend. I could not wait to get started.