The yearly dinner. On the outside again
At some point in time it was announced it was time for the yearly dinner. Apparently the entire class, both men and women, would get together somewhere for lunch. A big family kind of thing.
This was when the class was very large. At least 35 people. Because the majority of the people were upper class, many of them had a spotty attendance. They might be out on business trips or could not get away from work or some other reason. The dinner was a chance to get all the people together at one time so everyone could visit and mingle.
The idea of a dinner petrified me. Literally. The thought of sitting at a table with all those people was hell. Going to Ba Gua was not a big deal. We listened to Mike speak, we did our exercises, we broke up into groups for our separate practice.
The idea of going to a dinner meant I would be forced to sit in one place for hours with no opportunity for escape. I could not stand the close presence of people at that time because of my health problems. There was also mental pressure involved.
I have related how Mike made a huge deal about separating the men and the women. He did this so much that I honestly got to the point where I felt like looking at the women was a bad thing to do. How silly and outrageous is that? If we all went to dinner, then I would of course be near the women, I would be looking at the women, I would be talking to the women.
It sounds totally stupid now, but I honestly became conflicted and tense at the thought of "breakin the rules". Looking at, being near to, or talking to the women. That gives you an idea of the kind of atmosphere Mike generated.
I didn't want anything to do with the dinner. It cost money also. At the time I was barely able to pay Mike. Going to a fancy dinner that might cost $60 or more dollars would literally put me in a bind with my bills. I knew I was not going to attend.
When it came time for people to say who would attend and who would not, I said I would not be attending. I didn't have the money, and honestly, I would feel uncomfortable. My reply was accepted without much of a response.
I did not think anything of it because there were other people who would not attend. People as I said who had to work or were out of town or whatever. I was avoiding an unpleasant for me social situation. I would not be inflicting my anxiety on people who gathered together for a good time.
Now, looking back, I can see it was one more thing that set me apart from the group. I never cared about that because as far as I was concerned, I was there to learn Ba Gua, cure my health problems and that was about it. I was not there to become part of a group of friends.
I failed to understand how people are. That I needed to be included in that group of friends for them to teach me properly or to honestly view me as one of them. I thought they could do what they said. Teach me how to repair my health, then we would part ways or stay together. Whatever it was that happened.
I found out that you had to part of the "in" group I suppose is a trite way to label it. You had to be amongst the group of professional bullshitters. I say that with some bitterness because all of the talking and friendliness they showed to each other and the world? I think it was baloney.
Many of the people in the class were health workers of some kind or another. Or they were involved in a people kind of field. It was the job of these people to be able to bullshit anyone and make them feel comfortable. That is an admirable skill to have and the intentions of employing that skill are good and honorable.
For me? I could only look at it one way. They were liars. They would tell people all kinds of good time stuff to make them relax and feel good. But they did not mean a word of it. It was all an act to accomplish some goal.
The thought of sitting at a dinner with all of these professional liars telling lies to each other and to me drove me nuts. I cannot stand lies and liars. I have this tendency to look people right in the face and say "you are a liar".
That is not usually a well received statement. People tend to get upset when you call them a liar, even if you caught them red handed in a lie.
It was best for me not to attend the dinner. Not to be put in that pressure situation that could only turn out badly for everyone. Even though in the long run, I would pay for not attending by becoming even more of an outsider than I already was.
This was when the class was very large. At least 35 people. Because the majority of the people were upper class, many of them had a spotty attendance. They might be out on business trips or could not get away from work or some other reason. The dinner was a chance to get all the people together at one time so everyone could visit and mingle.
The idea of a dinner petrified me. Literally. The thought of sitting at a table with all those people was hell. Going to Ba Gua was not a big deal. We listened to Mike speak, we did our exercises, we broke up into groups for our separate practice.
The idea of going to a dinner meant I would be forced to sit in one place for hours with no opportunity for escape. I could not stand the close presence of people at that time because of my health problems. There was also mental pressure involved.
I have related how Mike made a huge deal about separating the men and the women. He did this so much that I honestly got to the point where I felt like looking at the women was a bad thing to do. How silly and outrageous is that? If we all went to dinner, then I would of course be near the women, I would be looking at the women, I would be talking to the women.
It sounds totally stupid now, but I honestly became conflicted and tense at the thought of "breakin the rules". Looking at, being near to, or talking to the women. That gives you an idea of the kind of atmosphere Mike generated.
I didn't want anything to do with the dinner. It cost money also. At the time I was barely able to pay Mike. Going to a fancy dinner that might cost $60 or more dollars would literally put me in a bind with my bills. I knew I was not going to attend.
When it came time for people to say who would attend and who would not, I said I would not be attending. I didn't have the money, and honestly, I would feel uncomfortable. My reply was accepted without much of a response.
I did not think anything of it because there were other people who would not attend. People as I said who had to work or were out of town or whatever. I was avoiding an unpleasant for me social situation. I would not be inflicting my anxiety on people who gathered together for a good time.
Now, looking back, I can see it was one more thing that set me apart from the group. I never cared about that because as far as I was concerned, I was there to learn Ba Gua, cure my health problems and that was about it. I was not there to become part of a group of friends.
I failed to understand how people are. That I needed to be included in that group of friends for them to teach me properly or to honestly view me as one of them. I thought they could do what they said. Teach me how to repair my health, then we would part ways or stay together. Whatever it was that happened.
I found out that you had to part of the "in" group I suppose is a trite way to label it. You had to be amongst the group of professional bullshitters. I say that with some bitterness because all of the talking and friendliness they showed to each other and the world? I think it was baloney.
Many of the people in the class were health workers of some kind or another. Or they were involved in a people kind of field. It was the job of these people to be able to bullshit anyone and make them feel comfortable. That is an admirable skill to have and the intentions of employing that skill are good and honorable.
For me? I could only look at it one way. They were liars. They would tell people all kinds of good time stuff to make them relax and feel good. But they did not mean a word of it. It was all an act to accomplish some goal.
The thought of sitting at a dinner with all of these professional liars telling lies to each other and to me drove me nuts. I cannot stand lies and liars. I have this tendency to look people right in the face and say "you are a liar".
That is not usually a well received statement. People tend to get upset when you call them a liar, even if you caught them red handed in a lie.
It was best for me not to attend the dinner. Not to be put in that pressure situation that could only turn out badly for everyone. Even though in the long run, I would pay for not attending by becoming even more of an outsider than I already was.
posted by Happeh at 11:56 AM
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