Why do you see me?
This is when I finally got a clue that something might be going on. I had thought that previous events seemed weird. I never thought that Mike might be trying to push me out because his entire Ba Gua style was about loyalty, integrity, family style, dignity and the proper way to behave. There was no way a man like that would push away a person he had accepted as a student. A person who was obviously in a poor state of health.
This was another of the office visits. Remember when I described how Mike had manipulated my jealousy of Brad so that I started the office visits? Now I wonder if the reason he wanted me to visit his office was so he could put more pressure on me. We did not speak in the Sunday classes much. He could set up traps or other situations. He could not get in my face and push.
As far as I recall, I was happy and ready for the meeting. I felt uncomfortable as I described previously because I did not like the idea of a psychology kind of appointment. In spite of that, after going for a month or so, I began to feel closer to Mike and the group as a whole. After a year or so in class and never speaking to Mike except to say hello or respond to a question or small talk, sitting in the office over an hour for a month or so made the relationship seem closer.
One thing I have learned from life. When you feel like that? Feel good about things? The hammer is coming. You are being set up.
I am sitting there blithely thinking good thoughts and Mike says "Why do you come to me?". My heart sank and my blood ran cold. That was a pretty direct challenge. To me, the reason was obvious. I came for the same reason I joined in the first place. I was sick from doing Wing Chun and Chi Gung improperly. I felt I needed a skilled and/or talented person to explain to me what had happened and how to correct it.
If the answer was so obvious, why was Mike asking me? That is what made my blood run cold. The only thing I could think of was that he was going to tell me I did not need to be there. I did what I always did when a verbal trap was being set. I shut up. If you do not say anything, there is no handle for the other person to grab you with.
Mike says "Chris is not with me anymore." I sat there and looked at him. Mike says "He felt he did not need me and left. I do not have any contact with him at all". I sat there and looked at him.
Obviously Mike was telling me that after Chris learned what Mike had, he walked away and that was that. Mike was implying I could do the same thing.
I did not say "Lonnie, George, Jeff, Steve, Peter and James are all still students. They all learned what Chris learned. Why are you not focusing on the students that learned what you had to teach, then remained loyal and continued to stay with you?".
After that there was no way around it. I thought that Mike wanted to get rid of me. That really hurt. I was not a problem. I was quiet and did what I was told. I may not have been social or friendly but I was not a problem. Of the other men in the group, George, Peter and Steve had never studied kung fu before they met Mike. I had been practicing kung fu for 10 years when I joined Ba Gua. In my mind, there was no way that Mike could say I was not prepared for the class if those other three men who had no previous training at all were prepared.
To me it stunk of favoritism. Lonnie and Jeff were both good at kung fu. There was no doubt they would remain students. George and Steve were both brown nosers. They would crawl up Mike's behind and camp out if that is what Mike wanted. Peter was also a brown noser, but not to the same extent.
I did not think about it at the time. I wonder if Peter was allowed to join because he was a lawyer. A lawyer meant money to Mike. You sill see a pattern if you hang around to read the blog. Even though Peter was not a brown noser to the extent Steve and George were, his money or status was enough for Mike to accept him.
I was resentful. Mike was obviously picking me out to push away. That was not fair for the reason I stated above. I fully believed Mike about family style, dignity, loyalty and integrity. Even if he was just saying words to extract money from people, I wanted to believe in that kind of live and those kinds of people. There was no way I would voluntarily leave people who claimed to be dignified, had integrity, were loyal and believed in the family.
Instead of pushing me away with his talk about Chris, Mike turned my resolve to stay at Ba Gua into concrete and steel. I would never leave Ba Gua if I could help it. I would do any training that was recommended. I would do what was required of me. I would prove that I did belong in the group. Especially if people like Peter, George and Steve were welcomed with opened arms.
This was another of the office visits. Remember when I described how Mike had manipulated my jealousy of Brad so that I started the office visits? Now I wonder if the reason he wanted me to visit his office was so he could put more pressure on me. We did not speak in the Sunday classes much. He could set up traps or other situations. He could not get in my face and push.
As far as I recall, I was happy and ready for the meeting. I felt uncomfortable as I described previously because I did not like the idea of a psychology kind of appointment. In spite of that, after going for a month or so, I began to feel closer to Mike and the group as a whole. After a year or so in class and never speaking to Mike except to say hello or respond to a question or small talk, sitting in the office over an hour for a month or so made the relationship seem closer.
One thing I have learned from life. When you feel like that? Feel good about things? The hammer is coming. You are being set up.
I am sitting there blithely thinking good thoughts and Mike says "Why do you come to me?". My heart sank and my blood ran cold. That was a pretty direct challenge. To me, the reason was obvious. I came for the same reason I joined in the first place. I was sick from doing Wing Chun and Chi Gung improperly. I felt I needed a skilled and/or talented person to explain to me what had happened and how to correct it.
If the answer was so obvious, why was Mike asking me? That is what made my blood run cold. The only thing I could think of was that he was going to tell me I did not need to be there. I did what I always did when a verbal trap was being set. I shut up. If you do not say anything, there is no handle for the other person to grab you with.
Mike says "Chris is not with me anymore." I sat there and looked at him. Mike says "He felt he did not need me and left. I do not have any contact with him at all". I sat there and looked at him.
Obviously Mike was telling me that after Chris learned what Mike had, he walked away and that was that. Mike was implying I could do the same thing.
I did not say "Lonnie, George, Jeff, Steve, Peter and James are all still students. They all learned what Chris learned. Why are you not focusing on the students that learned what you had to teach, then remained loyal and continued to stay with you?".
After that there was no way around it. I thought that Mike wanted to get rid of me. That really hurt. I was not a problem. I was quiet and did what I was told. I may not have been social or friendly but I was not a problem. Of the other men in the group, George, Peter and Steve had never studied kung fu before they met Mike. I had been practicing kung fu for 10 years when I joined Ba Gua. In my mind, there was no way that Mike could say I was not prepared for the class if those other three men who had no previous training at all were prepared.
To me it stunk of favoritism. Lonnie and Jeff were both good at kung fu. There was no doubt they would remain students. George and Steve were both brown nosers. They would crawl up Mike's behind and camp out if that is what Mike wanted. Peter was also a brown noser, but not to the same extent.
I did not think about it at the time. I wonder if Peter was allowed to join because he was a lawyer. A lawyer meant money to Mike. You sill see a pattern if you hang around to read the blog. Even though Peter was not a brown noser to the extent Steve and George were, his money or status was enough for Mike to accept him.
I was resentful. Mike was obviously picking me out to push away. That was not fair for the reason I stated above. I fully believed Mike about family style, dignity, loyalty and integrity. Even if he was just saying words to extract money from people, I wanted to believe in that kind of live and those kinds of people. There was no way I would voluntarily leave people who claimed to be dignified, had integrity, were loyal and believed in the family.
Instead of pushing me away with his talk about Chris, Mike turned my resolve to stay at Ba Gua into concrete and steel. I would never leave Ba Gua if I could help it. I would do any training that was recommended. I would do what was required of me. I would prove that I did belong in the group. Especially if people like Peter, George and Steve were welcomed with opened arms.
posted by Happeh at 8:07 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home