Himmler

I am at another one of the early office visits. We have settled in while exchanging small talk and pleasantries.

I have described how during the regular weekly lessons Mike would talk to us for an hour or so. I would write down just about everything he said. I thought I was being diligent at the time. I didn't know I was compulsively writing things down as part of my health problems.

At the office, Mike says something about the fact that I write everything down. I tell him yes I do. I was proud of the fact that I was diligent. I felt it demonstrated my sincerity in learning. While we were in the weekend circles, I would look around and see people who to me seemed to have drifted off into never never land. They were day dreaming about something or the other. I felt my diligence in recording what Mike said demonstrated I was more sincere in learning than these other people.

Mike looks at me and says "You know that Himmler was always writing things down don't you?.

I was totally astounded. I could not believe Mike had said what he just did. If you do not know, Himmler was a Nazi in WWII who was close to Hitler. He was charged with responsibility for many bad things. His personality was also trashed thoroughly. Acccusing him of this and that psychological problems etc.

What Mike had just done was indirectly accuse me of being like a Nazi war criminal. I was utterly speechless. Here is this man who is supposed to be helping me. Disregarding his obligations to me, he was a doctor. How could any doctor justify telling a person with a health problem that they were similar to a Nazi war criminal?

I was dumbfounded. Mike decided I was stupid. He had a habit of doing that. It was funny in a way. Mike always told us to be quiet and listen. I was quiet and never said anything. Then he decided my silence was a result of stupidty, instead of reaction to his recommendations.

Mike looks at me and says "You know who Himmler was right?"

I looked at him and said "Yes I know who Himmler is". What could I do? Shout at him for daring to make such an accusation? Make sarcastic comments about him? Deride his abilities as a health professional?

No matter how I reacted, I would look bad. There would be negative energy between us. Any way that I denied what Mike said, Mike could turn it around and say that I was disobeying him or being disrespectful. He could then use that as a lever to try to push me away. That is how he works.

The only thing I could do was sit there and not say a word. I could not ask Mike why he was so uncomfortable with me writing while he was speaking? I could hardly ask Master Mike if I made him nervous by writing down what he said. I could not remark that nervous people usually struck out at the people who made them nervous.

I had to sit there and simmer. It really made me physically sick when he said that. It was one of the first times I realized that Mike did not know me at all. That he assumed I was stupid or uneducated. That kind of sick where your heart and your stomach hurt.

At that point in time I still believed what Mike said instead of what he did. In the group meetings, he spoke about family style, loyalty, integrity, dignity, rigtheousness and many other positive and admirable ideas. That is what I heard and I believed it in my heart.

So when Mike made comments like this Himmler comment, which in retrospect looks like another attempt to anger me and drive me away, I was incapable of seeing it for what it was. I was not stupid. It was impossible for this man who publically said his system was about family style and loyalty to be making cutting, sarcastic or hurtful remarks to try to drive a family member away. It went against everything he said he stood for.