Am I stubborn?

So about now it looks like every action the Ba Gua group took was to get rid of me, doesn't it? Feels that way with all the posts I have made lately. Funny how you can be blind to something because you trust people. I just could not believe the family style, loyal, integrity Ba Gua people would underhandedly, sneakily and treacherously try to get rid of one of their own members. They could and did do everything to try to get rid of me. I couldn't see it because I did not beleive they were bad people.

That was not the only reason of course. Yumiko, the woman who first introduced me to Mike, swore he was like a god on earth. She did not say that of course. That is the impression I received. I respected Yumiko so much that any odd things happening in Ba Gua? It had to be me. If I thought people wanted to get rid of me, it had to be in my head. Yumiko said Mike was the greatest person she ever knew. A person like that could not behave the way I suspected.

There was also another office visit that encouraged me to believe things were fine. I will say that I do believe that Mike honestly tried to work with me at the office. Maybe I am a fool, but it felt like he wanted to do good for me.

We were speaking about something or the other. Somehow the subject of relationships with the other members came up. I think I might have mentioned I did not feel close to the other members. They were fellow students, but not my personal friends. The subject might have been why I did not engage in small talk with people.

I say this because since the other members were much closer to Mike than I was, they must have either known, or been told, or guessed that Mike wanted to get rid of me. I have to wonder if they all wanted to get rid of me.

Previously I detailed how there had been plots to get rid of me. This implies that of course the other members knew that Mike wanted to get rid of me. To my way of thinking at the time, they were all robots doing what Mike wanted. Either willingly or because Mike was marionetting them. They had no personal antipathy towards me.

Now I wonder if the other students took Mike's attitude personal. I wonder if any of them personally wanted to get rid of me. The reason for that suspicion will come much later in this narrative.

The reason that I bring it up now is because it is related to what happened in the office that day. After I said I wasn't comfortable with the other people, or whatever it was the conversation was about, Mike very clearly said

"You don't have to be friends with the other students. You have a relationship with me. I am the teacher. I am the only one you need to have a good relationship with"

Mike very plainly told me that my relationships with the other students did not matter. As clear as it is possible to say it. I do not understand how Mike or the other students could hold it against me that I was silent and reserved. Mike said it didn't matter how I acted. The only thing that mattered was my personal relationship with him.


Now that I think about it, the conversation may have been "why was I uneasy in class". I told Mike I was standoffish and aloof because I was uneasy. It sounds right that he would then ask me why I was uneasy, then I would say because I did not have friendships with the other students.


Writing that makes me think of something else. Here I was in Mike's office and he was asking me why I was uneasy and standoffish. That makes no sense. When I originally joined, I clearly told Mike that I was sick from performing kung fu incorrectly. I also felt I was sick from performing breathing exercises incorrectly. My health problems and my behavior difficulties were both due to incorrect practice of kung fu.

Yet here we are, I have been in Ba Gua for a year or so, and Mike is asking my why I am uneasy. To my way of thinking, he should be telling me why I was uneasy. He should have been saying "the incorrect practice of kung fu affected your body in this and that way, causing you to feel stress in the presence of others".

At some point along the way, I don't know when, Mike seemed to have forgotten that I was a student in his class because I had health problems I was seeking relief from. Somewhere along the way, Mike decided or became convinced or assumed I was there to learn his style of Ba Gua. Period. Nothing more.


I know I did nothing to give him this idea. After 1 year at Ba Gua I still had the health problems from practicing Kung Fu incorrectly that I had when I started.