I am feeding you

Here we are at the office again for the weekly meeting. I settle in and make myself comfortable. The usual small talk ensues.

Then Mike says, "Why do you think we have the Sunday talks before practice?". I thought that was an odd question. It put me immediately on my guard. Mike gave a talk before every class. It would last anywhere up to an hour depending on what was going on. The talk would be about Ba Gua or about what the plans were for the group or about things relating to individuals in the group. He knew that. I knew that. What was his motivation for asking such an obvious question?

I responded what I said above. That I thought it was Mike giving us instructions about Ba Gua or about other things pertinent to learning Ba Gua or the goals of the group.

Mike looks at me and say "I am feeding you".

I felt like I immediatly went hazy. I was filled with anger and rejection. At the time, I was very big on independence. I would never put myself in a position where I would be indebted to someone. I would never take something from a person that I could not return.

At the time my focus was also on making myself a strong and independent person. The health problems I had from Wing Chun had forced me to seek out doctors and other people to help remedy the problems. I did not like that even though a doctors job is to help people. They are supposed to freely and willingly perform this job. As a person with a health problem, it would be normal and expected for me to seek out a doctor.

I resented this. I resented my health problems for forcing me to ask others for assistance. When Mike said "I am feeding you", it felt like there was an unspoken "and you owe me" behind it.

I did not understand what Mike meant when he said he was feeding us. He did not say "OK. On sunday, this is what I am going to do. Is that OK with you? Do you have a problem with that?".

I almost felt like I kicked out at him because my rejection was so strong. That is not an idle observation. Once you begin to understand about energy, you will understand that Mike literally saw me kick out with rejection.

That is important because it shows my honesty. If I was being dishonest and trying to take from Mike, when he made his statement, I might have calmly and verbally denied it. I was a dishonest person so I could continue to be dishonest and make up lies.

When I literally kicked out in rejection at his statement, he knew without a doubt that I either did not know what he was talking about, or that I honestly in my heart was angry at the suggestion that I was somehow taking something from him.


After the emotion got out of the way, what really bothered me was the fact that I was beholden to Mike. If Mike was feeding us energy on Sundays, and that was the reason that we wanted to attend class. Not because we wanted to learn Ba Gua, his actions made no sense.

Mike was secretive about everything. Even though he talked every Sunday, he never really said anything about energy or how it works or how to gain it or anything. Most of the talking was about character or some of the other things previously mentioned.

To me, if Mike was unhappy that people came to him for energy, why didn't he teach them to make their own energy so they would not need to go to him? It seems so obvious. It is the thing I wanted.

I wanted to be independent and not need the help of doctors anymore. Mike seemed to be telling me that I was at Sunday class because I wanted him to feed me energy. I didn't consciously know I was doing that nor did I want to do that. I wanted Mike to teach me how to make energy so I could regain my health and become an independent person.

The rest of the meeting was mostly ruined after that. I was so angry and emotional and resentful I don't think I heard a another word.