Jeff is a faker ;(

At one of the meetings at Mike's office, we had discussed relationships with other people in the group. I was standoffish because I felt other people were not sincere about Ba Gua. After Mike had tried to insinuate I was not qualified for Ba Gua, after practicing martial arts for 10 years, I think I took my frustration out on the people who really were not qualified. The ones who had never taken a martial arts class in their lives.

I told Mike I felt no affinity with the people who I thought goofed off. Mike told me all I really needed was a relationship with him. He talked about how he had been close with his instructor and the top students and that was about it. He was buddies with the guys who could teach him, and the rest of the people did not matter.

After hearing this, I resolved that I would do the same thing. I would try to develop a relationship with Mike, Jeff and Lonnie because they were the ones that really knew Ba Gua. I was going to meetings with Mike so supposedly I was working on the relationship with him. I spent a lot of time with Lonnie so I felt I was developing some kind of relationship with him.

Jeff though.....I didn't have any kind of relationship at all with. We said hello or exchanged words but that was it. Which meant that I needed to do something about the situation.

At one of the men's meetings at Tom's house Jeff was there. I decided I was going to talk to him after the meeting.

Tom's house was in a hilly area. When I say hilly, I mean 45 degree and steeper hilly. I clearly recall this because on this occasion, both Jeff and I had parked uphill from Tom's house.

The meeting was over and we all meandered out of the house. I wanted to talk to Jeff so I hung around some and acted like I was waiting for him. This was out of character so it probably put Jeff on notice I wanted something.

After the general goodbyes, Jeff headed out to his car and I walked with him. This was unusual because we did not interact very much. I began to talk about this and that.

I told Jeff I thought we were alike. At the time I felt like I was only speaking the truth. We were both quiet, standoffish, reserved, focused, intelligent and driven. Now though I think what I said probably made Jeff laugh. From his perspective, I was probably a lot of trouble. I had health problems. I did not interact well with other people in the group. I was not a talker like Daniel, Steve or George. The kind of person you can hang around because you know they will talk forever without demanding anything of you.

All this time we are both walking up a 45 degree hill. I remember this quite clearly because I was chasing Jeff. I did not realize it but Jeff was walking very fast. Almost as if he was running away from me. I am chasing Jeff up this 45 degree hill and trying to talk at the same time. I was having trouble breathing and talking normally.

Now I understand he did that on purpose. If he walked fast and made it hard for me to talk to him, maybe I would give up talking to him? Walking fast might also have helped him work off some anxiety energy, but I think it was mostly to try to dissuade me.

Because I am stubborn, that was never going to happen. Jeff could have flapped his arms and taken off flying and I would have found a way to follow him because I wanted to talk to him about being buddies and there was no way I was going to be denied.

We reach the top of this hill. I am still right next to or right behind Jeff talking away about how we are both smart and dedicated etc etc and how I want to be buddies. Just like Mike suggested in the office. Simplistic attitude huh? Seems like I should have been more circumspect.

At the time, my head was filled with Mike's talk of honesty and dignity etc. So I went directly to Jeff and honestly told him I wanted to be his buddy because we were both driven to be good at kung fu.

We are at the top of the hill and it is either level or all downhill from there. What is jeff going to do? Here is this guy he is trying to get rid of right on his tail. Walking fast up the hill did not get rid of him. There are no more hills to race up to try and tire him out. What the heck does Jeff do now?

Jeff turns around and hugs me. It almost broke my heart. Not because it was a good thing and I felt cared for. Because it was a completely false act that was meant as an act of manipulation.

Jeff and I do not have much to do with each other. I chase him up a hill talking to him about being his buddy. Then he is giving me a hug like he was my long lost brother. It just did not add up. There was no reason for it. Except as an act of manipulation.

If I thought Jeff liked me, I would leave right? I am telling him I want to be his buddy, he hugs me. What other gesture says "my buddy" better than a hug does?

It was kind of embarrassing thinking of how pathetic Jeff must have thought I was that I would believe his gesture. If I really was a simple minded fool chasing after an intellgent human being, then hugging me would be like patting a dog on the head. The dog would wag it's tail and be happy. Dogs are simple minded.

The embarrassment was overridden by the sickness in the pit of my stomach that he could be so obviously fake.

I let go of him and watched him run off to his car as I slowly turned towards my own car thinking "Jeez. I think my high opinion of one of my heroes was just punctured".