What a jerk you are!
Here I am, blithely attending Ba Gua class, thinking everything is rosy. Looking forward to having my health problems cured. Feeling blessed I was allowed to join such an incredible group of individuals. Thinking how lucky I was to have the chance to learn Ba Gua.
It is time for a weekly men's meeting. This week it was over at Jeff's apartment. People arrive including me, Lonnie, Jeff, George and a few others. This incident may be old enough to have happened back when Arol and Tim were still around.
We were all standing around making some kind of small talk. Nothing significant. We sat down in a circle and got comfortable. There is something about sitting down in a circle with people that makes you feel comfortable and protected. Allowed to relax and let your guard down.
The conversation continued, whatever it was about. I have emphasized many times how I did not speak much so as to keep a low profile. If nobody knows you are are there, they cannot give you grief.
At this men's meeting I was feeling trusting. For some reason I was talking about something. I could not even guess at what it was. Some experience that had befallen me or something I had done. I felt I was reaching out to people and sharing my life with them. My opinion or my thoughts about something or the other.
I finish speaking about whatever it was. In one of those instances that Mike always referred to as "the spirit descending", Lonnie speaks up and says "I counted him saying "I" at least 8 times".
What was left unsaid but hanging their in mid air like a glowing neon sign was "The crummy jerk".
I was stunned. I hardly ever spoke out. To take a chance and expose myself, then to have a comment like that directed at me was like a knife to the heart. I had no idea what Lonnie was going on about. I only knew that in a group of 5 people, one of them picked me out and basically crapped all over me.
What could I say? I was ashamed as I was obviously supposed to be. Mostly because I did not understand what was happening. Why the comment had been made or the motivation for it. I could not become angry because Jeff in particular and maybe George both indicated their silent agreement with Lonnie's statement.
That incident points out how different realities can clash and be the source of hurtful misunderstandings. It also for me is one of the glaring things that I really did not like about Ba Gua or the people their.
All of the Ba Gua people watched every word and every movement a person made. That was not a big deal. It is part of being a kung fu man. But then they would assign all these motivations to whatever it was that had happened. Their conclusions were based on how they thought. And they thought really shitty.
It seemed like people would always assume the worst motivations for anyone in any situation. The people were greedy, venal, liars, unthinking, shortsighted. It was really ugly to be honest. These people who were talking about saving the world, many of whom were doctors treating patients everyday, assuming that the majority of the words coming out of the mouths of people were negative in the way described above.
----
When I was discussing whatever it was, I used the pronoun I just as I am in this blog. I am the person doing the talking. I am the person the events happened to. In school I was taught that the proper pronoun to use when referring to actions concerning yourself was "I".
----
The Ba Gua people? They had a completely different philosophy. To them, any person who used the pronoun "I" for any reason was a self centered person. They thought about themselves and held themselves as more important than anyone or anything else.
To them, when they heard me say "I" 8 times in my comments, I was bragging with every one of them. "I" did this! "I" did that.
What is so poisonous and so disgusting about that is I can see what they are thinking. In some situations and with some people, the use of the pronoun "I" is about bragging or self centeredness.
I do not see how they could have considered me bragging or self centered when I publically spoke in the class about once a month. If I was a bragging kind of person, I would have been more of a motor mouth like George or Steve or Arol or Tim or Peter or just about every other member of the group.
That incident made me retreat and hide from the group for a few months probably. At the time I felt like I was attacked for no reason. I can only describe what happened now, years later. At the time I didn't understand at all.
All I could think of was how these helpful people who were going to help me with my health problems were publically embarrassing me for relating an experince or opinion that had happened to me. An attempt to be friendly and open was met with a kick to the groin.
It is time for a weekly men's meeting. This week it was over at Jeff's apartment. People arrive including me, Lonnie, Jeff, George and a few others. This incident may be old enough to have happened back when Arol and Tim were still around.
We were all standing around making some kind of small talk. Nothing significant. We sat down in a circle and got comfortable. There is something about sitting down in a circle with people that makes you feel comfortable and protected. Allowed to relax and let your guard down.
The conversation continued, whatever it was about. I have emphasized many times how I did not speak much so as to keep a low profile. If nobody knows you are are there, they cannot give you grief.
At this men's meeting I was feeling trusting. For some reason I was talking about something. I could not even guess at what it was. Some experience that had befallen me or something I had done. I felt I was reaching out to people and sharing my life with them. My opinion or my thoughts about something or the other.
I finish speaking about whatever it was. In one of those instances that Mike always referred to as "the spirit descending", Lonnie speaks up and says "I counted him saying "I" at least 8 times".
What was left unsaid but hanging their in mid air like a glowing neon sign was "The crummy jerk".
I was stunned. I hardly ever spoke out. To take a chance and expose myself, then to have a comment like that directed at me was like a knife to the heart. I had no idea what Lonnie was going on about. I only knew that in a group of 5 people, one of them picked me out and basically crapped all over me.
What could I say? I was ashamed as I was obviously supposed to be. Mostly because I did not understand what was happening. Why the comment had been made or the motivation for it. I could not become angry because Jeff in particular and maybe George both indicated their silent agreement with Lonnie's statement.
That incident points out how different realities can clash and be the source of hurtful misunderstandings. It also for me is one of the glaring things that I really did not like about Ba Gua or the people their.
All of the Ba Gua people watched every word and every movement a person made. That was not a big deal. It is part of being a kung fu man. But then they would assign all these motivations to whatever it was that had happened. Their conclusions were based on how they thought. And they thought really shitty.
It seemed like people would always assume the worst motivations for anyone in any situation. The people were greedy, venal, liars, unthinking, shortsighted. It was really ugly to be honest. These people who were talking about saving the world, many of whom were doctors treating patients everyday, assuming that the majority of the words coming out of the mouths of people were negative in the way described above.
----
When I was discussing whatever it was, I used the pronoun I just as I am in this blog. I am the person doing the talking. I am the person the events happened to. In school I was taught that the proper pronoun to use when referring to actions concerning yourself was "I".
----
The Ba Gua people? They had a completely different philosophy. To them, any person who used the pronoun "I" for any reason was a self centered person. They thought about themselves and held themselves as more important than anyone or anything else.
To them, when they heard me say "I" 8 times in my comments, I was bragging with every one of them. "I" did this! "I" did that.
What is so poisonous and so disgusting about that is I can see what they are thinking. In some situations and with some people, the use of the pronoun "I" is about bragging or self centeredness.
I do not see how they could have considered me bragging or self centered when I publically spoke in the class about once a month. If I was a bragging kind of person, I would have been more of a motor mouth like George or Steve or Arol or Tim or Peter or just about every other member of the group.
That incident made me retreat and hide from the group for a few months probably. At the time I felt like I was attacked for no reason. I can only describe what happened now, years later. At the time I didn't understand at all.
All I could think of was how these helpful people who were going to help me with my health problems were publically embarrassing me for relating an experince or opinion that had happened to me. An attempt to be friendly and open was met with a kick to the groin.
posted by Happeh at 7:21 PM
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