Forcing Jeff

Jeff was a good guy. He was really small. Maybe 5 6 or somethnig like that. A typical kind of chinese guy. He had a good disposition and he really tried. He was not really friendly by nature, but he wanted to be. He was the kind of person who felt tortured because he wanted to be close to people, but he couldn't.

Somewhere along the way, the group began having situations where eating would take place. It would be something informal like eating crackers after practice or something similar. After awhile, instead of bring things that could be purchased at a store, people would begin cooking things to bring.

It was kind of funny because it turned into a competition. For me it did anyways. ;) At some point a feast began to appear. So many people were bringing so much food that it was going to waste.

At that point it was decided people would take turns bringing things. No rules or anything. Just an informal agreement that the persons bringing the food would be different each time.

There was some situation coming up. Someone's birthday, some special event...I do not recall. I went to Mike's office for one of my visit's to him. When I got there, Jeff was in the waiting room. It was odd because I was almost always the only person there. There was also someone else in the waiting room. A person who I did not know. Mike had people visit him who did not belong to the Ba Gua group.

Jeff and I exchanged pleasantries and then the talk turned to whatever the upcoming event was. Jeff said that he was going to bring something. I was excited and feeling good and generous. I said that I wanted to bring something. Jeff could take it easy and let me do it.

Jeff said no, he would go ahead and bring whatever it was. I was trying to be helpful and good I thought. Jeff was the head guy in the men's group. I was the junior guy. The way that I thought, it was my duty to do something menial like bringing food. Jeff's job was to be the leader of the group. His time should not be wasted on things like bringing food.

Jeff said no in that quiet and deferential way of his. We were in Mike's waiting room so that made the situation even more quiet. You had to see Jeff. He was kind of hunched over with his elbows on his knees or a similar posture. His head was down and his eyes were looking downwards then up at me.

In my zeal to be helpful, I thought Jeff was just being polite. I thought that he was playing the game where people say "Yes/No" two or three times before someone does something. The game is played so no one feels forced into doing anything.

I insisted that I be allowed to bring the food for whatever the event was. I excitedly described what it was I thought I would bring. I repeated that it was no problem to me at all and he should not feel guilty that I was having to do it.

At that point Jeff looked at me and nodded his head OK.

I am visualizing this situation right now and shaking my head at how naive I was. While I was talking to Jeff I was standing up. I had moved close to him to talk to him and in my excitement to please, I was probably very close and perhaps even overbearing.

After all, Jeff was sitting down in the chair, a small chinese guy, and I am standing over him, a tallish person who is talking animatedly.

What I never realized until later was that Jeff really wanted to bring the food. He wanted the feeling of being thanked by the group for bringing the food.

I had basically forced Jeff to say that I could bring the food. Looming over him and insisting that I be allowed to bring the food made Jeff concede and agree to let me bring the food.

I have felt guilty about that for years. There I was, thinking I was being the good student taking a load off of my superior, and really I was being rude and browbeating my superior into doing something that he did not want to do.

EDIT:

Of course something like that was not going to go by. For some coincidental reason, I figured all of the above out. That I was rude and forcing Jeff. The next time we were together, and it may have been the actual event where I brought the food, someone said "I thought Jeff was bringing the food."

Which of course was my queue to admit in front of everyone that I had forced Jeff to let me bring the food. I say of course because that was my lesson. To learn that instead of being helpful and taking a load off of Jeff, I had forced him to allow me to do something that he either was supposed to do or wanted to do.

I didn't really mind admitting what had happened in front of everyone. Like I said, I was completely innocent of any maliciousness. They the rest of the group thought I was stupid or naive for not seeing that, I didn't mind too much. I learned a lesson. What could I say?