Squirming

This is an entry that is out of time sequence, but it doesn't really matter.

We were all standing around talking about something or the other. Or working on our exercises. Mike was there and suggested we do something. One person, I think it was George, was going to stand with his arms at his sides. The rest of the group would then grab hold of George's arms. On the go mark, George would begin to struggle. It was our job to hold him so that he could not move.

This seemed like a test of strength kind of exercise. In an obvious "who can benchpress...." kind of way. It sounded like fun because George was the biggest and it would be a challenge to see if we could hold him down. Mike said go and George began struggling. Not surprisingly he could move around. He was the biggest and he played Australian football so he was used to people grabbing him. We struggled a bit, then stopped and judged about how well we had held on to him.

I think everyone must have done the exercise. My strongest memory is of Jeff being next. Jeff was interesting for two reasons. Number one was that he was the top student. It was our job to hold onto him and see what he could really do. Number two was because Jeff was so small. He was only about 5 feet 8 or so. He was also mostly thin. Looking at him, then looking at the bigger white guys, including big George, who were going to hold him, there seemed to be no challenge at all.

Mike said go and Jeff began struggling. He did a good job, moving us around and forcing us to step in and out. Still, his size was a disadvantage. It was interesting to see that. I know I personally had a harder time holding onto Jeff. I think maybe Lonnie or George had a firmer grip on him that I did.

We all agreed that Jeff had done well. He had twisted about in our grips in spite of being dimunitive. I can see George in my memory looking speculatively at Jeff. There was more than a little admiration or respect that Jeff had accomplished what he did.

Then it was my turn. I was pretty confident. In spite of having health problems, I still felt I had a particular kind of strength. Wing Chun had made me sick, but I had also become strong in a way. I felt I would give a good account of myself.

Mike said go and I began to struggle. I was not doing nearly as well as I thought. What was worse, I did not understand why. I knew I was strong. I was bigger than Jeff and Jeff had been able to move. I began to feel like I was trapped. Then I realized I was actually begining to get fearful and panicky.

Looking back on it, I think it was the mental realization that if 4 or 5 men had a hold of me, I could not break free. I had never experienced that kind of helplessness before. Any kind of altercation I was ever in was one or maybe two people. I had never really considered 4 or 5 people grabbing me at one time. To realize that I was helpless if that happened rocked my mental stability.

I think Mike saw that. Or perhaps it was only my heightened emotions. Anyways, he signaled them to let me go. I felt like a frightened animal, adrenaline coursing thru me, ready to run off. I think my eyes must have looked wild too.

I did not do nearly as well as I thought I would. I was not unhappy as if it was something I had failed at. I was deeply disturbed at how it was possible. According to everything I knew and believed, there was no way that they should have been able to hold me so effectively. You can see by my writing this down how much of an impression the event made on me.

Now I know what it was that bothered me so much.

The exercise was designed to test the internal strength of a person. Ba Gua and Tai Chi are designed to develop internal strength. The reason Jeff could do so well was because he had been practing with Mike and on his own for so long. George had the benefit of the Australian Football and his time with Mike. Lonnie had done Tai Chi for a long time so he was also good.

Part of the reason for my ill health was that I had developed external strength. My internal strength was very weak. That was what made me sick. The exercise, and my extreme reaction to it were because the exercise was like taking a stick and poking it right into the spot where I was sick.

It is difficult to describe. If you think of grabbing a person with external strength, it could be described as grabbing a piece of wood. There is something hard there for you to get a good grip on so that the wood cannot move. Grabbing a person with internal strength is like trying to grab a fish. If you have ever done this, you know that they have the ability to squirm away from you no matter how you struggle to hold them. There is nothing for your hands to get a firm purchase on. The energy of the struggles of the fish travel thru your body in a wave kind of feeling. That waves of energy from the fish interfere with your commands to your arms to hold steady.

I did not understand the purpose of that exercise for a very long time. Mike did not explain it. I guess it was supposed to be obvious that it was a test for internal strength.

If you are a curious kind of person, you might like to know that there is a physical component to my mental reaction to the exercise. In addition to the mental thoughts of being trapped that made me anxious, my brain was being physically affected so that it did not work properly.

One of the goals of higher martial arts is to connect the entire body into one big piece. Although I was not skilled at martial arts, I had practiced enough so that I had developed a basic unified body. When the guys grabbed my arms and I could not move them, I tensed them up to try to move them. Because the body is one big piece, when my arms tensed up, certain parts of my brain physically tensed up also. It is like your shoulders go up into your head. If your shoulders are tight, then your head would be tight also.

That is a useful piece of information if you can understand it inside of yourself. I do not mean intellectually declaring "the body is one connected piece". I mean feeling inside of yourself that something that affects your arms affects your brain or some other part of your body. When you can actually feel that within yourself, then you are making some real progress in the martial arts.