New Blood Part 2
After the initial discussion of Brad being a possible candidate for the class, the idea began to solidify. In spite of the doubts, there was a consensus that the group needed a new member. Brad was the only person available to fit the bill. There were doubts and reservations about his suitability. In the end, that made no difference. It was decided that they would go ahead and ask Brad to join.
Jeff was going to extend the invitation. As usual, there would be the interview meeting to ask the questions and play the games. At this point of the discussion, the details of the interview were brought up.
As I have said, I was full of anxiety, nervousness and impacience because of my health. Everyone knew this by my actions. If that wasn't enough, I made certain I verbally told people when I was uncomfortable. I knew what effect I had on people. I tried to avoid situations where my behavior would ruin a situation for others. Even if they wanted to be polite to me and invite me to be nice, I would refuse because I knew my health problems would cause discomfort to everyone around me.
When the discussion of the actual interview came up, I must have looked panicky and ready to speak. Before I could, Mike said, "I think it would be better if I did not go". I immediately nodded my head like one of those ornamental toy animals in the back of a car window. I absolutely agreed it would not be in the best interests of the group for me to be in a pressure situation with my anxiety.
I did feel left out. I did regret that Mike jumped in and said I should not go, instead of letting me suggest it. It made me feel like I was an outsider. I had to accept things though. I knew it was the truth even if I did not like that my anxiety was a problem in social situations.
Jeff approached Brad and asked him about joining. Brad replied positively. The interview meeting was set up and took place. The weekend after, everyone was happy as far as I can remember. They all seemed to feel it had gone quite well. In spite of the doubts about the character of Brad, they were ready to ask him to join the group. It was up to Mike for approval now.
I continued to have misgivings. Misgivings because of their description of Brad's character and also because by then, I had begun to regret not going to the interview. The more I thought about it, the more I wished I could have seen first hand what Brad was like, instead of accepting their secondhand opinions.
I felt like I was a lesser person because I was not included. Even though it was for the health reasons stated, it still felt like I had lost some indefinable something by not participating. Some kind of status or power had slipped away from me unknowingly.
This feeling was completely justified when Brad actually came to class. He was like Jeff, Chris, Mike and Lonnie. He was training to be a doctor. He came from a wealthy family and had anything he wanted. He had trained in martial arts for some years with good instructors he had the money to pay for.
Brad walked into the group and I felt like a doormat. It was not anything he did. It was more the reactions of the others. They were friendlier and treated this stranger better than they did me. A 6 or more month member. I felt betrayed after all that talk of family style and loyalty etc.
I have considered it was the usual way human beings act. Say the older child being jealous when a new baby is born into a family. There might have been some of that in my feelings. There was much more to it than that.
The reason I feel that way is because I think Brad picked up on the power dynamics of the group immediately. I was the lesser person with anxiety, so I was kind of soft and protected. I did not have strength and status. Brad saw this and immediately adopted the attitude of the others. One of superiority and condecension.
I did not mind the others condescending to me. I went to them hat in hand looking for relief for my health problems. I had to bend the knee, be subservient to them, in order to get their help. I owed nothing to Brad. I had just met him. Yet he acted as if I should also be subservient to him, because he saw the others act that way with me.
I took an immediate dislike to Brad. For me, that first day confirmed completely that he was the deceitful and untrustworthy person they thought he was.
It is intriguing how small the differences are between what I call good and evil are. Brad acted almost exactly like Steve. Talking to people, being their buddy, sucking up. Steve had a good spirit and a good heart. It was obvious. It was just as obvious that Brad was a manipulator. His every action and word felt dishonest.
Sitting here writing this, I can almost see lightness or light surrounding Steve, and darkness or heaviness surrounding Brad.
Jeff was going to extend the invitation. As usual, there would be the interview meeting to ask the questions and play the games. At this point of the discussion, the details of the interview were brought up.
As I have said, I was full of anxiety, nervousness and impacience because of my health. Everyone knew this by my actions. If that wasn't enough, I made certain I verbally told people when I was uncomfortable. I knew what effect I had on people. I tried to avoid situations where my behavior would ruin a situation for others. Even if they wanted to be polite to me and invite me to be nice, I would refuse because I knew my health problems would cause discomfort to everyone around me.
When the discussion of the actual interview came up, I must have looked panicky and ready to speak. Before I could, Mike said, "I think it would be better if I did not go". I immediately nodded my head like one of those ornamental toy animals in the back of a car window. I absolutely agreed it would not be in the best interests of the group for me to be in a pressure situation with my anxiety.
I did feel left out. I did regret that Mike jumped in and said I should not go, instead of letting me suggest it. It made me feel like I was an outsider. I had to accept things though. I knew it was the truth even if I did not like that my anxiety was a problem in social situations.
Jeff approached Brad and asked him about joining. Brad replied positively. The interview meeting was set up and took place. The weekend after, everyone was happy as far as I can remember. They all seemed to feel it had gone quite well. In spite of the doubts about the character of Brad, they were ready to ask him to join the group. It was up to Mike for approval now.
I continued to have misgivings. Misgivings because of their description of Brad's character and also because by then, I had begun to regret not going to the interview. The more I thought about it, the more I wished I could have seen first hand what Brad was like, instead of accepting their secondhand opinions.
I felt like I was a lesser person because I was not included. Even though it was for the health reasons stated, it still felt like I had lost some indefinable something by not participating. Some kind of status or power had slipped away from me unknowingly.
This feeling was completely justified when Brad actually came to class. He was like Jeff, Chris, Mike and Lonnie. He was training to be a doctor. He came from a wealthy family and had anything he wanted. He had trained in martial arts for some years with good instructors he had the money to pay for.
Brad walked into the group and I felt like a doormat. It was not anything he did. It was more the reactions of the others. They were friendlier and treated this stranger better than they did me. A 6 or more month member. I felt betrayed after all that talk of family style and loyalty etc.
I have considered it was the usual way human beings act. Say the older child being jealous when a new baby is born into a family. There might have been some of that in my feelings. There was much more to it than that.
The reason I feel that way is because I think Brad picked up on the power dynamics of the group immediately. I was the lesser person with anxiety, so I was kind of soft and protected. I did not have strength and status. Brad saw this and immediately adopted the attitude of the others. One of superiority and condecension.
I did not mind the others condescending to me. I went to them hat in hand looking for relief for my health problems. I had to bend the knee, be subservient to them, in order to get their help. I owed nothing to Brad. I had just met him. Yet he acted as if I should also be subservient to him, because he saw the others act that way with me.
I took an immediate dislike to Brad. For me, that first day confirmed completely that he was the deceitful and untrustworthy person they thought he was.
It is intriguing how small the differences are between what I call good and evil are. Brad acted almost exactly like Steve. Talking to people, being their buddy, sucking up. Steve had a good spirit and a good heart. It was obvious. It was just as obvious that Brad was a manipulator. His every action and word felt dishonest.
Sitting here writing this, I can almost see lightness or light surrounding Steve, and darkness or heaviness surrounding Brad.
posted by Happeh at 8:07 AM
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