Friday, December 30, 2005

Explanation of my behavior to Mike

Now is a good time to mention my talk with Mike. Previously I wrote about how George had told me that Mike mentioned to him that I never said hello to Mike. This made me feel guilty. I felt like I needed to rectify the situation. The way George spoke, it felt like Mike thought I was rude. That was not the case at all.

I mustered up the courage to approach him. I feel pathetic writing that but that is how it was. As I have said, Mike spent 95% of the class time with the women. When he approached the men, it was for a reason. He was going to talk to someone or show something. There was never any place for me to speak to him on my own. I did not want to have the discussion in front of others.

Somehow I manage to get him alone. I said George had let me know that Mike wondered why I never said hello. I reassured him it was not from rudeness. I told him that I was fearful. I held my previous instructor responsible for my current health situation. Even though I knew it not to be true, on some level, when I saw Mike, I saw an authority figure that had hurt me. I unconsciously avoided him for that reason.

That was my intellectual reasoning for what was happening. It was what I believed. My world had no other explanation for what was taking place. Now that the previous post has broached the subject of energy, I can describe what it was that was really going on.

I was reacting to Mike's energy.

My health condition had left me strongly sensitive to the energy of other people. When someone strong approached me, or was in my vicinity, my body would react to the incoming energy. I would feel strong anxiety and distress. What was happening is their powerful energy was entering my body and causing the reactions because I was so physically twisted up. I was like a balloon filled with air. When a powerful person came towards me, it was like someone was blowing me up with more air. But I was already full of air. The extra air made the balloon stretch so much it felt like it might pop.

When I told Mike I acted the way I did because in my mind I equated him to my previous instructor, what I hoped for is that he would see the irrational fear in me. Then he would know my behavior was not based on rudeness or disrespect.

As with most of my contacts with Mike, he might have acknowledged what I said, then moved away. Though I didn't know it at the time, my energy had the same effect on him as his had on me. He was a master martial artist which meant he was strongly grounded and settled. I could unground and unsettle him just by talking to him.

I am disappointed in thinking that Mike did not see what was going on. That I was extremely sensitive to energy. He never mentioned it to me or talked to me about it. I wonder now if some kind of intellectual understanding of what was happening could have helped me control myself. Now that I do know what is going on, well enough that I can describe it in words, even though the same thing can happen to me, I do not react nearly as strongly because I do understand what is happening.

I am not recieving fear inducing sensations of some impending health crisis. I am merely reacting to the input into my body of more energy than I am used to. No heart attack, no anxiety, no stress, no mystery. Just the plain old addition of more energy to a container than the container is prepared to accept.

I don't think I mentioned it before. I think Mike was younger than I was. If not, we were very close to the same age. I put Mike on a pedestal because of his abilities. Perhaps the failings in him that I see as a failure of his martial arts or doctoral training were due to his young age.

I entertain that idea to be fair and open. I do not believe it because of Mike's pride. He talked about how he was such a good healer, the doctors at the college wanted him to heal them. If he was that good and that special, why couldn't he see what was going on with me and fix it? Age does not sound like an excuse here.

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