Oh No!
These last few entries have made me realize I was quite a handful. I knew I had troubles of course. The reason for my meeting with Dr G in the first place was as a health patient. In my mind, my actions were excused because my health was impaired. No one holds a dog that bites responsible if the dog bites becuase it got run over and it is in pain.
Now, looking back on these events, I can see that they were more work than I had thought. Most of my attitude was standoffishness and rejection. I was never overtly hostile, aggressive, rude or disrespectful. I think I have changed enough so that I can see that standoffishness and rejection can be just as bad as outright aggressiveness to some people. To a sensitive and/or elevated/evolved person who can feel energy, another person's silent rejection feels like a person shouting at them. Very uncomfortable.
With that out of the way, what happens next?
As I said before, there was a regular weekend physical kung fu class that I was invited to attend. The class was held out of doors in a public park. I was close enough that I could walk. It was probably 2 or 3 miles to the area where the practice took place.
Naturally I was anxious for my first class. I arrived and there were a few people there already. I said hello to a few of them. People were doing stretching or talking in small groups as they waited for everyone to arrive. I was not comfortable with the small talk so I found my own area and did some stretching kinds of stuff.
Eventually everyone arrived. Dr G gathered everyone together for an introductory set of exercises. First would usually be a set of Ba Gua warm up exercises. Simple and slow. Then the class performed a set of Tai Chi. The long form. Then the class did a basic set of Ba Gua forms. As I was new, I mostly stood at the back and watched during the forms.
After the forms, we were gathered into a circle. The women set on one side of the circle with Dr G in their midst. The man sat on the other half of the circle. We all introduced ourselves. I think their might have been a new woman member the same day I was new. After the introductions, Dr G held forth on a variety of subjects. I do not recall specifically what they were. The talking went on for some time. Maybe 45 mintues or an hour.
Eventually the talking was finished. It was at this point that the actual teaching began. The previous exercises were meant to warm people up so that the sitting for an hour and listening would be comfortable for people.
People began to meander around looking for spots to practice. My memory is of a chaotic kind of swirling around as people looked for a spot. Maybe I was thinking chaotically because I was new and did not know where I belonged.
What I do remember is Dr G suddenly being very obvious to my attention. He began to explain that the women and the men would exercise seperately. I thought, "Ya, so what". I did not care becuase my personal opinion was that women do not belong in a men's kung fu class. They are a distraction.
Then I felt like Dr G. looked right at me and said "The women and men are seperate so that people concentrate on practicing. There is no man/woman interaction going on". He probably said some other things in the same vein that I do not recall. What is significant to me though is the link to a previous experience I described.
Did you read the entry where I described having some type of sexual experience and thinking of one of the women in the class? Then I felt a physical shock as if I was cut off from her? When Dr G looked at me and explained that the men and women exercise seperately, I had the strongest feeling that he was looking at me because of that previous incident. I felt he was saying that they were splitting up the men and women because of me. The felt that I might harass or bother the women somehow.
At the time of course, I was ignorant. I had no idea that the two events could be connected. I did not even connect the two events. I thought that Dr G was saying that he didn't trust me with the women students because I was a basically untrustworthy or shady kind of person.
That was probably the first bad foot we got off on. I am thinking that I am a person with health problems. I have approached this doctor in the hopes he could cure me. When we get together with a group of other people, his opinion of me is so poor that he feels he needs to physically seperate me from the women. In my head, I was the most polite person in the world. Not only would I never harass a woman, I would go out of my way to treat them well. I have a reputation as being soft with women to the point that they run over me. And here is this doctor I have just met, who does not even know me, insinuating that I am a sexual harasser.
I had no idea that they knew of the incident of my thinking of the women member during that sexual episode described previously. Even if I had, so what? They were only thoughts. To the type of people these were, that was just as bad as if I was standing physically in front of the woman trying to paw at her breasts.
Here we are, I am nervous and anxous being with new people and from the health problem. I am trying to be as cool as possible. Then this Dr, publicly in front of everyone, is acting like I am some sexual harrasser. My attitude became more withdrawn. Quite naturally I felt. I wanted to say something to Dr G about his insinuation. How could I? I needed him to cure my health problem. How could I afford to argue with him on the first day of being in his class?
The men and women seperated and began the class. I was taken aside and shown some simple exercises. The men naturally seperated into two groups. There were 2 other men who were new also. They had been there a few months. We all did some basic things together while the advanced guys did their stuff.
Dr G went over to work with the women. I did not think much of it. Eventually he came back over to the men. That is when the "Oh No!" moment that inspired this blog entries title occurred. Dr G called us all together and said that we were going to spar.
When I heard that, my heart dropped. I was so disappointed. I felt like I had made a mistake with Dr G. I had explained I was ill from practicing another style of kung fu wrong. I made it as clear as I could that I was very sick. When Dr G. announced we were going to spar, I knew that he was doing that because he wanted to see what I could do.
The idea that he wanted to check me out sickened me. I felt he did not believe in me or trust me. I was sick. How could I possibly be expected to fight with healthy people who had been training for some time? Dr G. was treating me as an opponent, or someone who was going to cause trouble. Or perhaps it was for his own personal enjoyment to test his students against me.
I was shamed. I was sick. I couldn't fight. I also knew that I was not that good at kung fu. For some reason, Dr G. acted like he thought I was a formidable kung fu fighter. During my first interview, I said I had done kung fu for 10 years. That was the truth. Dr G being a chinese man, I think that 10 years to him meant something entirely differnent to him than to me. I had gone to many different classes off and on over that 10 year period. I think that Dr G. interpreted my claim as meaning I had steadily trained rigourously in one type of kung fu so that I was an expert.
I was disappointed in Dr G. because I did not understand how he could make such a mistake. If he was so perceptive and good that he could cure my health problem, how could he possibly look at me and believe that I was a top notch kung fu fighter? My respect for him dropped.
Another reason I dreaded the idea of sparring was that it made me sicker. The kung fu style that I had trained that hurt me? Because of what happened, any time I thought of violence or tried to practice violently, I got sick. Really sick. Not sick to my stomach. I would feel like I was going to have a heart attack or a stroke. It was awful. Here was Dr G., asking me to do something that would make me feel like I would have a heart attack or a stroke. After I told him I was deathly sick. I was really mad actually.
I am sent out to spar with the tallest man. He was not the biggest. There was another man who was heavier. I was not to find this out till later, but the man I was sparring had a repuation for being a jerk. He liked to hurt people when they sparred. The man who was heavier did not have much kung fu training. He was only large.
Dr G. set me up with their worst guy who liked to hurt people to see what would happen to me. My stomach is sinking right now as I recall the hurt I felt at being asked to do this.
I went out their and assummed my fighting stance. Just exactly like I knew, I started getting sick. What happened is that I put pressure on my heart when I fought. I didn't know that then. When I assummed my fighting stance, it was like squeezing my heart in a vise.
I chickened out. I acted like a coward, a pussy. I stood there in my stance. I didn't run away. I did not fight nor did I really try to fight. I did not want to. I was so disappointed in the entire situation that I did not care that they would all think I had no kung fu skill and that I was a coward. If they were the kind of people that would force a sick person to fight a sadist, I did not care what thier opinions of me were.
We probably clashed a few times. The other man obviously coming out on top. I don't think the match went to long. It was apparent that I did not want to be there, I did not want to fight, and truth be told, it did not look as if I knew how to fight.
I was so miserable afterwards I can't even tell you what happened. I only wanted to leave the meeting and get away from those people and that embarrassing situation.
Now, looking back on these events, I can see that they were more work than I had thought. Most of my attitude was standoffishness and rejection. I was never overtly hostile, aggressive, rude or disrespectful. I think I have changed enough so that I can see that standoffishness and rejection can be just as bad as outright aggressiveness to some people. To a sensitive and/or elevated/evolved person who can feel energy, another person's silent rejection feels like a person shouting at them. Very uncomfortable.
With that out of the way, what happens next?
As I said before, there was a regular weekend physical kung fu class that I was invited to attend. The class was held out of doors in a public park. I was close enough that I could walk. It was probably 2 or 3 miles to the area where the practice took place.
Naturally I was anxious for my first class. I arrived and there were a few people there already. I said hello to a few of them. People were doing stretching or talking in small groups as they waited for everyone to arrive. I was not comfortable with the small talk so I found my own area and did some stretching kinds of stuff.
Eventually everyone arrived. Dr G gathered everyone together for an introductory set of exercises. First would usually be a set of Ba Gua warm up exercises. Simple and slow. Then the class performed a set of Tai Chi. The long form. Then the class did a basic set of Ba Gua forms. As I was new, I mostly stood at the back and watched during the forms.
After the forms, we were gathered into a circle. The women set on one side of the circle with Dr G in their midst. The man sat on the other half of the circle. We all introduced ourselves. I think their might have been a new woman member the same day I was new. After the introductions, Dr G held forth on a variety of subjects. I do not recall specifically what they were. The talking went on for some time. Maybe 45 mintues or an hour.
Eventually the talking was finished. It was at this point that the actual teaching began. The previous exercises were meant to warm people up so that the sitting for an hour and listening would be comfortable for people.
People began to meander around looking for spots to practice. My memory is of a chaotic kind of swirling around as people looked for a spot. Maybe I was thinking chaotically because I was new and did not know where I belonged.
What I do remember is Dr G suddenly being very obvious to my attention. He began to explain that the women and the men would exercise seperately. I thought, "Ya, so what". I did not care becuase my personal opinion was that women do not belong in a men's kung fu class. They are a distraction.
Then I felt like Dr G. looked right at me and said "The women and men are seperate so that people concentrate on practicing. There is no man/woman interaction going on". He probably said some other things in the same vein that I do not recall. What is significant to me though is the link to a previous experience I described.
Did you read the entry where I described having some type of sexual experience and thinking of one of the women in the class? Then I felt a physical shock as if I was cut off from her? When Dr G looked at me and explained that the men and women exercise seperately, I had the strongest feeling that he was looking at me because of that previous incident. I felt he was saying that they were splitting up the men and women because of me. The felt that I might harass or bother the women somehow.
At the time of course, I was ignorant. I had no idea that the two events could be connected. I did not even connect the two events. I thought that Dr G was saying that he didn't trust me with the women students because I was a basically untrustworthy or shady kind of person.
That was probably the first bad foot we got off on. I am thinking that I am a person with health problems. I have approached this doctor in the hopes he could cure me. When we get together with a group of other people, his opinion of me is so poor that he feels he needs to physically seperate me from the women. In my head, I was the most polite person in the world. Not only would I never harass a woman, I would go out of my way to treat them well. I have a reputation as being soft with women to the point that they run over me. And here is this doctor I have just met, who does not even know me, insinuating that I am a sexual harasser.
I had no idea that they knew of the incident of my thinking of the women member during that sexual episode described previously. Even if I had, so what? They were only thoughts. To the type of people these were, that was just as bad as if I was standing physically in front of the woman trying to paw at her breasts.
Here we are, I am nervous and anxous being with new people and from the health problem. I am trying to be as cool as possible. Then this Dr, publicly in front of everyone, is acting like I am some sexual harrasser. My attitude became more withdrawn. Quite naturally I felt. I wanted to say something to Dr G about his insinuation. How could I? I needed him to cure my health problem. How could I afford to argue with him on the first day of being in his class?
The men and women seperated and began the class. I was taken aside and shown some simple exercises. The men naturally seperated into two groups. There were 2 other men who were new also. They had been there a few months. We all did some basic things together while the advanced guys did their stuff.
Dr G went over to work with the women. I did not think much of it. Eventually he came back over to the men. That is when the "Oh No!" moment that inspired this blog entries title occurred. Dr G called us all together and said that we were going to spar.
When I heard that, my heart dropped. I was so disappointed. I felt like I had made a mistake with Dr G. I had explained I was ill from practicing another style of kung fu wrong. I made it as clear as I could that I was very sick. When Dr G. announced we were going to spar, I knew that he was doing that because he wanted to see what I could do.
The idea that he wanted to check me out sickened me. I felt he did not believe in me or trust me. I was sick. How could I possibly be expected to fight with healthy people who had been training for some time? Dr G. was treating me as an opponent, or someone who was going to cause trouble. Or perhaps it was for his own personal enjoyment to test his students against me.
I was shamed. I was sick. I couldn't fight. I also knew that I was not that good at kung fu. For some reason, Dr G. acted like he thought I was a formidable kung fu fighter. During my first interview, I said I had done kung fu for 10 years. That was the truth. Dr G being a chinese man, I think that 10 years to him meant something entirely differnent to him than to me. I had gone to many different classes off and on over that 10 year period. I think that Dr G. interpreted my claim as meaning I had steadily trained rigourously in one type of kung fu so that I was an expert.
I was disappointed in Dr G. because I did not understand how he could make such a mistake. If he was so perceptive and good that he could cure my health problem, how could he possibly look at me and believe that I was a top notch kung fu fighter? My respect for him dropped.
Another reason I dreaded the idea of sparring was that it made me sicker. The kung fu style that I had trained that hurt me? Because of what happened, any time I thought of violence or tried to practice violently, I got sick. Really sick. Not sick to my stomach. I would feel like I was going to have a heart attack or a stroke. It was awful. Here was Dr G., asking me to do something that would make me feel like I would have a heart attack or a stroke. After I told him I was deathly sick. I was really mad actually.
I am sent out to spar with the tallest man. He was not the biggest. There was another man who was heavier. I was not to find this out till later, but the man I was sparring had a repuation for being a jerk. He liked to hurt people when they sparred. The man who was heavier did not have much kung fu training. He was only large.
Dr G. set me up with their worst guy who liked to hurt people to see what would happen to me. My stomach is sinking right now as I recall the hurt I felt at being asked to do this.
I went out their and assummed my fighting stance. Just exactly like I knew, I started getting sick. What happened is that I put pressure on my heart when I fought. I didn't know that then. When I assummed my fighting stance, it was like squeezing my heart in a vise.
I chickened out. I acted like a coward, a pussy. I stood there in my stance. I didn't run away. I did not fight nor did I really try to fight. I did not want to. I was so disappointed in the entire situation that I did not care that they would all think I had no kung fu skill and that I was a coward. If they were the kind of people that would force a sick person to fight a sadist, I did not care what thier opinions of me were.
We probably clashed a few times. The other man obviously coming out on top. I don't think the match went to long. It was apparent that I did not want to be there, I did not want to fight, and truth be told, it did not look as if I knew how to fight.
I was so miserable afterwards I can't even tell you what happened. I only wanted to leave the meeting and get away from those people and that embarrassing situation.
posted by Happeh at 7:17 AM
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