Slammed!
I previously related how at the first meeting where I meet everyone, I was told there were weekend kung fu meetings, plus a meeting of only the men during the weekend. The women also had their own weekly meeting. Before the first weekend kung fu practice, there was a meeting of the men that I attended.
This meeting was held at one of the men's homes. It was an apartment actually. The man in question was about 20 or so. There were about 4 or 5 other people. I would say their ages were all in the 20's except for one man who might have been in his 30's.
Another fact I may or may not have emphasized. I said that Yumiko, the women who had introduced me to Dr G., was an doctor herself. A few of the other people were doctors in trainging, including 3 of the men. The man whose apartment the meeting was at was one of these doctors in training.
I emphasize this because to me these were all upper level people. Upper class, some money, educated, and in my expectations, well behaved, classy, polite adults.
I arrived at the apartment and met everyone. It was a nice upscale kind of place. We sat around not doing much of anything waiting for other people to arrive. Eventually the other 4 men arrived. We probably sat around some doing some small talk. I do not recall. Then we went outside to practice.
At this point in my life, I had been taking kung fu classes for years. I was no hot shot. What had happened was that I was continually searching for teachers that were good, and would actually teach what they knew. Up until this time, I had never met any teachers whom I truly respected or learned from until I met the man who was responsible for my illness.
I was a driven person. I wanted to learn kung fu more than anything. I loved old time chinese movies with their choreographed fights. I did not want to learn to beat people up so much as I wanted to learn the timing and skill necessary to perform those choreographed fights. I wanted the body training that kung fu gave to good fighters. The almost gymnast type qualities that many of them displayed.
Over the years in these various schools, I had developed an arrogant attitude. Because of my drive, I would attend many classes and in my opinon, work harder than most people. I had been in enough schools that I had gained the experience to decide who was going to be a person truly interested in kung fu, and who was a person who was going to stay for a month and leave.
When I met people whom I did not believe were serious, I mostly ignored them. I am the kind of person who does not really care what others do. I feel they should have the same attitude with me. If I was exposed to people who I thought were not serious or goof offs, I would walk away, ignore them, and do my kung fu training.
We went outside and found some flat concrete to practice on. We did the 8 warm up exercises first. Then the Tai Chi 108 form. Then I think that the men might have done their Ba Gua forms while I watched. I think I had learned the first form at the weekend class. I might have followed that far, then stopped as they continued with the remaining forms.
After that, everyone gathered together to rest a bit. I did not like this. One of the aspects of the training that had made me sick was to always be pushing. It was the attitude of "if you want it, you will train as hard as you can". For me, to do the warm ups, Tai Chi, Ba Gua, then stand their talking was old folks training. I wasn't even tired or worked up yet.
This was a wrongheaded attitude. I did not understand that till much later.
The men all stood around making small talk. I am standing there, uncomfortable because these people are all strangers to me. Anxious because of my health problems. Unhappy because I feel like I am wasting time. I came to practice kung fu. Not talk like an old women.
At some point I could not take the stress anymore. I said I was going to practice and walked away. Looking back, I can see that caused some raised eyebrows. It was plainly obvious that I was rejecting them. At the time, I did not think in terms of group dynamics or interpersonal relationships. I was there to train kung fu and nothing else mattered. Standing around gossiping so people felt good around each other? What a waste of time! That was for pansies and women!
I stepped off by myself and practiced the basic warm ups and the one form by myself. I practiced so much and so determinedly that I think the other men eventually felt shamed by my drive and they began to practice some more. This meeting was on a weekend night. After work and school for everyone. I wonder now whether the meeting was set up as another way for me to become familiar with people instead of as a physical practice session. That would explain the "lackadaisical" attitude of the other men. Their purpose in coming was to sit around talking until we all felt comfortable. Not to practice like young kids who had done nothing all day long and were full of energy.
The meeting was short because of the weeknight. And probably because of my standoffishness. The men might have practiced a little bit more after I went off by myself. Then everyone called it a night.
I had taken the bus over to the meeting. I did not have a car. The man whose apartment the meeting was at offered to give me a ride home. I said no, absolutely not. I lived probably 10 or 15 miles away. There was no reason for this man to leave his home and drive me that far. We hardly knew each other. He needed to get to bed so he could get up for work and school tomorrow. Driving me all that way was too much effort on his part for a total stranger he did not know.
He insisted on driving me. I did not really see it, but this was part of the effort to make me feel comfortable and part of the group. To show me that they were real people and friends, not just fellow classmates and sometimes opponents. There was quite a battle as I insisted I did not need a ride and he insisted on driving me. Of course the other men are spectating all of this.
Besides the impostion on this man, I was just as concerned about being in a car with him for 15 miles of traffic. I barely knew him. I had the trouble with anxiety I mention. The man had a small mini type car. Sitting in that small car with a total stranger was an awful thing to contemplate. Nevertheless, with the other men looking on and the man in question pushing, I relented and accepted his offer.
As I said, this man was in his 20's. Very early 20's, possibly 21 or 22. He was training to become a doctor of acupuncture. He had been traing kung fu for some time. I found out later that he was fortunate enough to have learned from some good instructors, plus he had some natural talent.
Between his professional training and goals, and his kung fu training and goals, he was a self confident person. He knew who he was, what he wanted, and where he was going. In contrast, I did not know who I was. I was weak and sick, I wondered constantly if I was going to die at any minute. Those constant thoughts of death altered my world view so that I felt I had no real future. I worked for the future, but I had no faith I would ever see it.
Those two totally opposite attitudes surfaced during the drive home. He sat upright in his seat, straight and looking ahead as he drove. I was kind of sunken down in my seat, with bad posture. A person looking into the car would see a strong looking man driving and a weak looking man in the passenger seat. The difference between us was that obvious.
We made some small talk during the drive. He described some of his doctor training. We talked about medicine in general. I asked if he thought western medicine was any good or not. He said he did. After he gained his degree in Acupuncture, he planned to take some type of western medical training also. I talked about how I had lost faith in western medicine because they had been unable to help me. How that had driven me to Acupuncture and eventually to meeting Dr G. and this group.
We then began to talk some about kung fu. He talked about the classes he had taken, then I talked about my history. I might have talked about how I felt I had never had skilled teachers, or that I did not believe myself that I was truly skilled. This was a mistake on my part. This man was really a young kid, 21 or so. At that age, kids are about being tough and "kicking ass".
In previous conversation with Dr G., one of the strongest things he had mentioned to me was honesty. He had pressed me that if he was to help me, I had to be honest and truthful. I had to trust him and the other people. I let him know about my anxiety and suspicion issues. He said I had to overcome that. I had to be honest if I truly wanted to regain my health. The admonishments of Dr G. were what had caused me to say that I did not feel I was truly skilled.
At the age of 21 or so, most kids are about bragging. Who can beat up who? Who is toughest? What kinds of people could you beat up? What was the best kung fu? All of that competitive instinct that young men possess.
When I said that I did not feel that I was that skilled, I could feel the sneer of derision cross his face. I could practically hear him thinking "This guy is a worthless coward". This was very hard to take. I did not even want to be in the car with this total stranger. We are making small talk, and this man is sneering at me and thinking derogatory thoughts about me. What can I do? If I start a scene, what if it was so bad that they said I had to leave? I need Dr G. to cure my health problems. If I got in a fight with this guy and was kicked out, I would be out of luck. I sat there and held my tongue.
The man sits there emanating his attitude of disgust. Then he says to me, "Do you think you can protect yourself with your kung fu"? I could literally see Dr G. in my head telling me "You have to be honest or we cannot help you. We are your friends". So I swallowed and I said "No. I don't believe I can protect myself".
The man slammed me! I was beyond belief!
Slamming is when one person hits you with their energy. In this case, the man's energy was disrespect and disgust. He thought I was a "pussy", if you will pardon my language. He felt I was worthless because in his young kid eyes, no man would ever admit he could not protect himself.
I was being honest as I was asked to do. I knew that because of what had happened to me health wise, If I was under pressure to be in a fight, instead of the pressure making me stronger so I could fight, the pressure would go straight to my heart. If I was to get in a fight, there was more of a chance of me dropping dead from a self induced heart attack than of me doing some damage to my opponent.
I was sick. I had gone against every instinct inside of me warning me to shut up. I had throttled that little voice inside of me because Dr G had said I had to trust them if I wanted to be cured. I had acted according to Dr G.'s instruction, and here is this educated doctor type, who is supposed to have bedside manner, slamming me so hard that I literally felt like I was punched in the face.
If you do not know what slamming is, or have never been slammed, it might be hard to understand why I was so affected. If a person has strong energy, getting slammed can be just like taking a punch in the stomach. Literally. Between his strength as a self assured person, and my extreme sensitivity because of my illness, I felt like a 6 ft tall 250 lb man had just beaten me silly.
We were close to my house at this point. Maybe a few minutes. What could I say? I had been honest and trusted this man. He slammed me and made it evident he had no respect for me at all. I am in shock because it is a doctor putting that negative attitude on me.
I think he might have said some things about him being able to protect himself. The kinds of things that are said by young men as braggodocio. Mostly to convince themselves of their own bravado and toughness. We reached my house and he dropped me off.
Looking back, I wonder of the ferocity of his reaction was driven by his own self doubt. In his young man's world, doubt was never expressed. It was the world of "I can kick anybody's ass". When I said that I had doubts, I wonder if they might have undermined his confidence in himself. He reacted ferociously with me, but his target was his own self doubt in his ability.
This incident, where I trusted Dr G and was honest in spite of my every instinct, then was hurt, plus the incident at the first kung fu weekend meeting where I trusted Dr G., then he had me spar with the sadist to test me, changed my attitude completely.
When I first met Dr G., I was full of hope. I trusted Yumiko implicitly. With my life. She was that good. Yumiko in turn, was in awe of Dr G. To my way of thinking, that meant he was some type of God if Yumiko thought he was so good. I knew I was going to get my health back and Dr G. was going to be the man to do it.
After these two events, my trust was broken. It was such a fragile thing in the first place. It took every bit of will power I had to disregard my suspicious nature and trust these people. I would continue to meet with Dr G. and the class. I vowed to never ever open myself up to them or to unhesitatingly trusting them again. I had given them their chance and for my troubles, I received physical and mental abuse.
From that point onwards, basically 1 or 2 weeks into the relationship, I never fully trusted Dr G or any of the other men again. This was to be the seed of years of heartache.
Dr G and the others felt as if I was a distant and hiding person. I felt that if I was to open myself to them, they would only hurt. As they had demonstrated as soon as they could within my first 3 meetings with them.
A natural question is, if I felt so badly, why didn't I leave? I couldn't. I knew I was dying. Yumiko had been unable to help me after seeing her for 9 months or a year. She was certain that Dr G could help me. If I had decided to get an attitude and leave the class because they hurt me, to my way of thinking, I was committing suicide. I had looked for literally 2 years for someone to help me with my health problems. I felt on the verge of death. No way was I going to walk away from the person that could fix me, even if they were hurtful and untrustworthy.
This meeting was held at one of the men's homes. It was an apartment actually. The man in question was about 20 or so. There were about 4 or 5 other people. I would say their ages were all in the 20's except for one man who might have been in his 30's.
Another fact I may or may not have emphasized. I said that Yumiko, the women who had introduced me to Dr G., was an doctor herself. A few of the other people were doctors in trainging, including 3 of the men. The man whose apartment the meeting was at was one of these doctors in training.
I emphasize this because to me these were all upper level people. Upper class, some money, educated, and in my expectations, well behaved, classy, polite adults.
I arrived at the apartment and met everyone. It was a nice upscale kind of place. We sat around not doing much of anything waiting for other people to arrive. Eventually the other 4 men arrived. We probably sat around some doing some small talk. I do not recall. Then we went outside to practice.
At this point in my life, I had been taking kung fu classes for years. I was no hot shot. What had happened was that I was continually searching for teachers that were good, and would actually teach what they knew. Up until this time, I had never met any teachers whom I truly respected or learned from until I met the man who was responsible for my illness.
I was a driven person. I wanted to learn kung fu more than anything. I loved old time chinese movies with their choreographed fights. I did not want to learn to beat people up so much as I wanted to learn the timing and skill necessary to perform those choreographed fights. I wanted the body training that kung fu gave to good fighters. The almost gymnast type qualities that many of them displayed.
Over the years in these various schools, I had developed an arrogant attitude. Because of my drive, I would attend many classes and in my opinon, work harder than most people. I had been in enough schools that I had gained the experience to decide who was going to be a person truly interested in kung fu, and who was a person who was going to stay for a month and leave.
When I met people whom I did not believe were serious, I mostly ignored them. I am the kind of person who does not really care what others do. I feel they should have the same attitude with me. If I was exposed to people who I thought were not serious or goof offs, I would walk away, ignore them, and do my kung fu training.
We went outside and found some flat concrete to practice on. We did the 8 warm up exercises first. Then the Tai Chi 108 form. Then I think that the men might have done their Ba Gua forms while I watched. I think I had learned the first form at the weekend class. I might have followed that far, then stopped as they continued with the remaining forms.
After that, everyone gathered together to rest a bit. I did not like this. One of the aspects of the training that had made me sick was to always be pushing. It was the attitude of "if you want it, you will train as hard as you can". For me, to do the warm ups, Tai Chi, Ba Gua, then stand their talking was old folks training. I wasn't even tired or worked up yet.
This was a wrongheaded attitude. I did not understand that till much later.
The men all stood around making small talk. I am standing there, uncomfortable because these people are all strangers to me. Anxious because of my health problems. Unhappy because I feel like I am wasting time. I came to practice kung fu. Not talk like an old women.
At some point I could not take the stress anymore. I said I was going to practice and walked away. Looking back, I can see that caused some raised eyebrows. It was plainly obvious that I was rejecting them. At the time, I did not think in terms of group dynamics or interpersonal relationships. I was there to train kung fu and nothing else mattered. Standing around gossiping so people felt good around each other? What a waste of time! That was for pansies and women!
I stepped off by myself and practiced the basic warm ups and the one form by myself. I practiced so much and so determinedly that I think the other men eventually felt shamed by my drive and they began to practice some more. This meeting was on a weekend night. After work and school for everyone. I wonder now whether the meeting was set up as another way for me to become familiar with people instead of as a physical practice session. That would explain the "lackadaisical" attitude of the other men. Their purpose in coming was to sit around talking until we all felt comfortable. Not to practice like young kids who had done nothing all day long and were full of energy.
The meeting was short because of the weeknight. And probably because of my standoffishness. The men might have practiced a little bit more after I went off by myself. Then everyone called it a night.
I had taken the bus over to the meeting. I did not have a car. The man whose apartment the meeting was at offered to give me a ride home. I said no, absolutely not. I lived probably 10 or 15 miles away. There was no reason for this man to leave his home and drive me that far. We hardly knew each other. He needed to get to bed so he could get up for work and school tomorrow. Driving me all that way was too much effort on his part for a total stranger he did not know.
He insisted on driving me. I did not really see it, but this was part of the effort to make me feel comfortable and part of the group. To show me that they were real people and friends, not just fellow classmates and sometimes opponents. There was quite a battle as I insisted I did not need a ride and he insisted on driving me. Of course the other men are spectating all of this.
Besides the impostion on this man, I was just as concerned about being in a car with him for 15 miles of traffic. I barely knew him. I had the trouble with anxiety I mention. The man had a small mini type car. Sitting in that small car with a total stranger was an awful thing to contemplate. Nevertheless, with the other men looking on and the man in question pushing, I relented and accepted his offer.
As I said, this man was in his 20's. Very early 20's, possibly 21 or 22. He was training to become a doctor of acupuncture. He had been traing kung fu for some time. I found out later that he was fortunate enough to have learned from some good instructors, plus he had some natural talent.
Between his professional training and goals, and his kung fu training and goals, he was a self confident person. He knew who he was, what he wanted, and where he was going. In contrast, I did not know who I was. I was weak and sick, I wondered constantly if I was going to die at any minute. Those constant thoughts of death altered my world view so that I felt I had no real future. I worked for the future, but I had no faith I would ever see it.
Those two totally opposite attitudes surfaced during the drive home. He sat upright in his seat, straight and looking ahead as he drove. I was kind of sunken down in my seat, with bad posture. A person looking into the car would see a strong looking man driving and a weak looking man in the passenger seat. The difference between us was that obvious.
We made some small talk during the drive. He described some of his doctor training. We talked about medicine in general. I asked if he thought western medicine was any good or not. He said he did. After he gained his degree in Acupuncture, he planned to take some type of western medical training also. I talked about how I had lost faith in western medicine because they had been unable to help me. How that had driven me to Acupuncture and eventually to meeting Dr G. and this group.
We then began to talk some about kung fu. He talked about the classes he had taken, then I talked about my history. I might have talked about how I felt I had never had skilled teachers, or that I did not believe myself that I was truly skilled. This was a mistake on my part. This man was really a young kid, 21 or so. At that age, kids are about being tough and "kicking ass".
In previous conversation with Dr G., one of the strongest things he had mentioned to me was honesty. He had pressed me that if he was to help me, I had to be honest and truthful. I had to trust him and the other people. I let him know about my anxiety and suspicion issues. He said I had to overcome that. I had to be honest if I truly wanted to regain my health. The admonishments of Dr G. were what had caused me to say that I did not feel I was truly skilled.
At the age of 21 or so, most kids are about bragging. Who can beat up who? Who is toughest? What kinds of people could you beat up? What was the best kung fu? All of that competitive instinct that young men possess.
When I said that I did not feel that I was that skilled, I could feel the sneer of derision cross his face. I could practically hear him thinking "This guy is a worthless coward". This was very hard to take. I did not even want to be in the car with this total stranger. We are making small talk, and this man is sneering at me and thinking derogatory thoughts about me. What can I do? If I start a scene, what if it was so bad that they said I had to leave? I need Dr G. to cure my health problems. If I got in a fight with this guy and was kicked out, I would be out of luck. I sat there and held my tongue.
The man sits there emanating his attitude of disgust. Then he says to me, "Do you think you can protect yourself with your kung fu"? I could literally see Dr G. in my head telling me "You have to be honest or we cannot help you. We are your friends". So I swallowed and I said "No. I don't believe I can protect myself".
The man slammed me! I was beyond belief!
Slamming is when one person hits you with their energy. In this case, the man's energy was disrespect and disgust. He thought I was a "pussy", if you will pardon my language. He felt I was worthless because in his young kid eyes, no man would ever admit he could not protect himself.
I was being honest as I was asked to do. I knew that because of what had happened to me health wise, If I was under pressure to be in a fight, instead of the pressure making me stronger so I could fight, the pressure would go straight to my heart. If I was to get in a fight, there was more of a chance of me dropping dead from a self induced heart attack than of me doing some damage to my opponent.
I was sick. I had gone against every instinct inside of me warning me to shut up. I had throttled that little voice inside of me because Dr G had said I had to trust them if I wanted to be cured. I had acted according to Dr G.'s instruction, and here is this educated doctor type, who is supposed to have bedside manner, slamming me so hard that I literally felt like I was punched in the face.
If you do not know what slamming is, or have never been slammed, it might be hard to understand why I was so affected. If a person has strong energy, getting slammed can be just like taking a punch in the stomach. Literally. Between his strength as a self assured person, and my extreme sensitivity because of my illness, I felt like a 6 ft tall 250 lb man had just beaten me silly.
We were close to my house at this point. Maybe a few minutes. What could I say? I had been honest and trusted this man. He slammed me and made it evident he had no respect for me at all. I am in shock because it is a doctor putting that negative attitude on me.
I think he might have said some things about him being able to protect himself. The kinds of things that are said by young men as braggodocio. Mostly to convince themselves of their own bravado and toughness. We reached my house and he dropped me off.
Looking back, I wonder of the ferocity of his reaction was driven by his own self doubt. In his young man's world, doubt was never expressed. It was the world of "I can kick anybody's ass". When I said that I had doubts, I wonder if they might have undermined his confidence in himself. He reacted ferociously with me, but his target was his own self doubt in his ability.
This incident, where I trusted Dr G and was honest in spite of my every instinct, then was hurt, plus the incident at the first kung fu weekend meeting where I trusted Dr G., then he had me spar with the sadist to test me, changed my attitude completely.
When I first met Dr G., I was full of hope. I trusted Yumiko implicitly. With my life. She was that good. Yumiko in turn, was in awe of Dr G. To my way of thinking, that meant he was some type of God if Yumiko thought he was so good. I knew I was going to get my health back and Dr G. was going to be the man to do it.
After these two events, my trust was broken. It was such a fragile thing in the first place. It took every bit of will power I had to disregard my suspicious nature and trust these people. I would continue to meet with Dr G. and the class. I vowed to never ever open myself up to them or to unhesitatingly trusting them again. I had given them their chance and for my troubles, I received physical and mental abuse.
From that point onwards, basically 1 or 2 weeks into the relationship, I never fully trusted Dr G or any of the other men again. This was to be the seed of years of heartache.
Dr G and the others felt as if I was a distant and hiding person. I felt that if I was to open myself to them, they would only hurt. As they had demonstrated as soon as they could within my first 3 meetings with them.
A natural question is, if I felt so badly, why didn't I leave? I couldn't. I knew I was dying. Yumiko had been unable to help me after seeing her for 9 months or a year. She was certain that Dr G could help me. If I had decided to get an attitude and leave the class because they hurt me, to my way of thinking, I was committing suicide. I had looked for literally 2 years for someone to help me with my health problems. I felt on the verge of death. No way was I going to walk away from the person that could fix me, even if they were hurtful and untrustworthy.
posted by Happeh at 3:11 AM
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