Slammed Again!
The next memorable event was another contribution to my lack of trust after having to spar with JA and getting slammed the first time. The event happened at one of the next weekend classes.
Practice had gone on for however long. It was about time to leave. Dr G got us together to tell us something or other. Everyone gathered together in a group. Looking back, it was funny. The long time guys all in front, then the big guys, then the new guys in the back. The sense of a male pecking order played out so obviously droll? I think is the word. So obvious and predictable. As the last person to join class, I was in back of the group. I was kind of standing tall and craning forward so I could see over the other guys.
Dr G is telling us this and that, whatever it was for a few minutes. Then he says loudly and forcefully "Something something STOP MAKING FACES AT ME". Then one of those movie or commercial moments happens. Time seems to slow down and I can feel everyone's attention on me. No one looks, they are all in front of me. Dr G's attention was on me so obviously that everyone knew exactly who he was talking to.
As part of my health problems, and part of my kung fu training, I was hard as a rock and tense. When I was in normal everyday situation, this hardness would exhibit itself by a twitching kind of behavior. I could not be still and I was easy to move. Because I was so stressed, I needed to move all the time. Because I was alwasy on the verge of moving of my own accord, another person could move me with only a small push.
The hardness and tightness extended thruout my body. I was like a board from my feet to my head. We had just finished with our workout for the class so I was more tense and tight than usual.
When Dr G said "stop making faces at me", I had no idea what he was talking about. I thought he was acting erratically. When I felt the groups attention focus on me, I wondered what was wrong. When I realized that Dr G was staring at me, it dawned on me that he was telling me to stop making faces at him. I was embarrassed. I felt like he was attacking me for no reason. I didn't understand what was happening.
Everybody got silent for a second or so. Then Dr G continued on with what he was saying.
What I did not realize until much later were 2 things. Without realizing it, I did indeed make faces when I was tense or stressed out. My face and head were so tight that I would wrinkle my face to try to get relief from the stress. Other people did not know my motivations. They would see me wrinkle my face for apparently no reason at all. This must have seemed strange. It must have been so odd that Dr G was forced to remark on it. This surprised me. I thought of Dr G as a strong as rock kung fu man. To think that a sick guy making unintentional faces, me, could push him into a public rebuke was disappointing.
The second thing I did not realize was that Dr G was putting energy on us. The reason that I was making the faces was that Dr G's energy was hitting my body. I could not take it because I was so stressed and tight. My body reacted by making faces to get rid of the extra energy.
I did not understand this phenomenon until years later. It was going to be the source of a lot of embarrassment and difficulty for me in the class as time went on. It was also going to be the source of anger and disillusionment. When I finally figured out years later what was going on, my first thought was "Dr G is the kung fu instructor. If I just figured this out, he must have known all along what was going on. Why didn't he explain it to me? Why did the troublesome events in our relationship occur if he knew that I was involuntarily reacting to his energy? How could I be held accountable for the actions of my body that acted of it's own accord?"
Practice had gone on for however long. It was about time to leave. Dr G got us together to tell us something or other. Everyone gathered together in a group. Looking back, it was funny. The long time guys all in front, then the big guys, then the new guys in the back. The sense of a male pecking order played out so obviously droll? I think is the word. So obvious and predictable. As the last person to join class, I was in back of the group. I was kind of standing tall and craning forward so I could see over the other guys.
Dr G is telling us this and that, whatever it was for a few minutes. Then he says loudly and forcefully "Something something STOP MAKING FACES AT ME". Then one of those movie or commercial moments happens. Time seems to slow down and I can feel everyone's attention on me. No one looks, they are all in front of me. Dr G's attention was on me so obviously that everyone knew exactly who he was talking to.
As part of my health problems, and part of my kung fu training, I was hard as a rock and tense. When I was in normal everyday situation, this hardness would exhibit itself by a twitching kind of behavior. I could not be still and I was easy to move. Because I was so stressed, I needed to move all the time. Because I was alwasy on the verge of moving of my own accord, another person could move me with only a small push.
The hardness and tightness extended thruout my body. I was like a board from my feet to my head. We had just finished with our workout for the class so I was more tense and tight than usual.
When Dr G said "stop making faces at me", I had no idea what he was talking about. I thought he was acting erratically. When I felt the groups attention focus on me, I wondered what was wrong. When I realized that Dr G was staring at me, it dawned on me that he was telling me to stop making faces at him. I was embarrassed. I felt like he was attacking me for no reason. I didn't understand what was happening.
Everybody got silent for a second or so. Then Dr G continued on with what he was saying.
What I did not realize until much later were 2 things. Without realizing it, I did indeed make faces when I was tense or stressed out. My face and head were so tight that I would wrinkle my face to try to get relief from the stress. Other people did not know my motivations. They would see me wrinkle my face for apparently no reason at all. This must have seemed strange. It must have been so odd that Dr G was forced to remark on it. This surprised me. I thought of Dr G as a strong as rock kung fu man. To think that a sick guy making unintentional faces, me, could push him into a public rebuke was disappointing.
The second thing I did not realize was that Dr G was putting energy on us. The reason that I was making the faces was that Dr G's energy was hitting my body. I could not take it because I was so stressed and tight. My body reacted by making faces to get rid of the extra energy.
I did not understand this phenomenon until years later. It was going to be the source of a lot of embarrassment and difficulty for me in the class as time went on. It was also going to be the source of anger and disillusionment. When I finally figured out years later what was going on, my first thought was "Dr G is the kung fu instructor. If I just figured this out, he must have known all along what was going on. Why didn't he explain it to me? Why did the troublesome events in our relationship occur if he knew that I was involuntarily reacting to his energy? How could I be held accountable for the actions of my body that acted of it's own accord?"
posted by Happeh at 2:19 AM
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