Class Recomendations - Trust, Faith, Family

The last few entries have had a negative kind of feeling about them for me. I related how I discovered that Dr G and the group had set up the situation with the new student as a way to show me that I could leave if I did not belong. I discussed how my attitude was standoffish, anxious, and difficult to deal with. I wrote about how the class had an oppressive and stiff atmosphere.

After re reading all of that, I found myself asking the natural question that most people are probably thinking of. Why did you stay? If they tried to trick you into leaving, or the class was mentally sickening, why did you stay?

Faith. That was why. Faith.

Yumiko, the doctor from the American College of Traditional Chinese Medicine that had recommended me to Dr G., was one of the most outstanding women I have ever met in my life. She was strong, intelligent, educated, understanding, caring, tolerant, patient....she was the second best woman I have ever met in my life.

I had been a patient of Yumiko's for months before she recommended me to Dr G. She had dealt with my health problems and my behavior. Looking back, I can see that I was a precocious patient. It was probably trouble for Yumiko to deal with me. There were only two times that I can remember Yumiko saying anything cross with me. I deserved it.

I had an appointment with her. I had just learned about acupuncture. I did not really understand how it worked or any of the theories behind it. The friend of mine who had convinced me to sign up for acupuncture talked about going on a regular basis. I had the feeling that acupuncture was a regular thing like going to a masseuse or attending a class. After the appointment was done, I went to make another appointment. She had one available in 2 or 3 days, and another one that was maybe a week and half or two weeks later. Thinking as I did, that regular appointments were necessary, with the large gap between the two appointments, I did not want to wait 2 weeks to come back. So I signed up for both of them.

I came in the 2 or 3 days later for the next appointment. Yumiko said "here you are again". That was it. She put out an air of "why are you here?". Her energy felt like it was pushing me away, and that it was chastising me. I never did that again. I thought so highly of Yumiko that all she had to do ws so those 4 words with that attitude and I immediately did as ordered. She was to special for me to anger her.

The second time that Yumiko became cross with me was much later in the relationship. I had know her for months by then. Honestly I was probably flirting with her by that time. In my mind I felt that she responded to me. Not as a sexual partner but as a superior who was affectionate towards a subordinate. That was fine with me. I did not want her as a sexual partner. I wanted to be a special person to her like she was a special person to me.

I felt I had the familiarity to ask her fairly regular things. In the treatment room one day I asked her something. Where she had gone to school, if she had brothers or sisters, something fairly normal like that. She did not respond to my qeustion. I did not understand her subtlety. Asian people will ignore or avoid a question they do not want to respond to. I did not know what was going on. I am also by nature a stubborn and relentless person. I repeated my question. She again ignored my question.

This time I knew something was going on. Now my curiosity was sparked so that I became reckless. I undeniable rephrased my question in a way that she could not ignore. Yumiko very plainly and clearly said "That is not for you". For some reason it was a stunning thing to say. There was no rancor in her delivery, no anger or upset. It was a matter of fact statement. So blunt as to be impossible to ignore.

I had never heard anyone talk like that. Most blunt people are angry, yelling and screaming. Or a short and concise sentence like that has no effect. For some reason though her words felt like a concrete block falling into a pool of water. I knew I was being rebuked. I shut my mouth and laid there wondering what the heck was so important to her that she would tellme "That is not for you". That was one of the incidents that set me off on a search to understand why people from different cultures act differently. I could swear the question I asked Yumiko was something I would ask someone on the bus. And they would answer without hesitation because the question was innocuos.

That description of some of my relationship with Yumiko was to try to give the reader a feeling for how intimate I felt our relationship was. How I aboslutely trusted her professional and personal opinions. When Yumiko recommended Dr G to me, she was almost adoring in her tones. For someone as high as Yumiko, to be talking like a star struck schoolgirl about Dr G, I thought this guy must be close to godlike. I wanted to get in touch with this guy and hold on if he could inspired childlike behavior in the hard as wood Yumiko.

I am not making that up. Yumiko was literally hard as wood. I believe I said she was Japanese. She had done martial arts and chi kung as part of her schooling. She also grew up in a culture that is based on an understanding of chi. This had made her, at the age of 24 or so, hard a a rock and strong as a kung fu master. When she walked, she literally pounded the floor. It was like someone hammering on the floor the sound was so noticeable. I brushed against her once or twice. If you have taken kung fu, you know that you can tell how good someone is by touching them. By brushing against Yumiko, I could tell she was stronger than me. I think she could have taken me apart. She was inches shorter than me and 10's of pounds lighter. It was amazing and kind of fearsome. I think that was one of the reasons I was infatuated with her.

To get back to "Why did you stay with Dr G if it was so bad", one of the reason should be apparent now. Yumiko spoke of Dr G in childlike tones of schoolgirl adoration. To me this meant that Dr G was godlike. If Dr G was godlike, and I was a part of his class, it was going to take a bulldozer to pull me away. There was no way I would voluntarily walk away from someone who was so impressive that he could inspire infatuation in Yumiko, my idol.

There was more to it than that. The weekly talking that preceeded the Ba Gua practice would always focus on certain things. In the beginning there was a lot of talk about acupuncture and acupuncture theories. That made sense as Dr G was a Dr of Acupuncture. It was material he was familiar with from his schooling.

The weekly talks also focused on what he had learned from his Ba Gua teacher, Gong Bao Zhai. This was what he described as family style. As with any family, it was based on qualities that make for a strong family. Trust, Faith, Obedience and Patience.

I came to the class with breathing problems. During my first few months there, I questioned Dr G about teaching me breathing exercises. He would ignore me, or turn the conversation to something else. Being the direct American I was, at some point or the other I pressed him and would not drop the matter. At those times, he would counsel me, "You have to be patient. When I think you are ready, then it will happen". When I said "What if I die before it is time to be ready?", Dr G would tell me, "Have Faith. You must have faith for this to work. Faith in me, Faith in the Ba Gua system, Faith in your kung fu brothers and sisters, Faith in God. You have to keep your hope alive that things will work out the way you want".

I had no choice so of course I began to belive in Faith, Trust, Obedience and Patience. If that was going to cure my health problems, sign me up. And because I was so desperate, I flung myself into this belief with all my heart. I grasped onto those concepts like a drowning man grasps a life preserver. Because I was so sick, I was very negative and down. For me to do an about face and to honestly, in my heart and to the core of my body have Faith in Dr G or anything else was nothing short of a miracle.

I accepted what Dr G said completely. I believed he had my best interests at heart. When I thought that class was downer or too strict, that was me. It was my problem. Dr G said I was the problem, it was my lack of faith and hope, so I needed to change. When I thought that Dr G was holding out on me with breathing exercises, it was because I was a bad person who was not patient. When the other students did not behave as I expected, it was my fault. I was the one with the wrong attitude. I did not understand the family style of Ba Gua.

When Dr G tried to get rid of me. By sitting up the play with the new student joining and then leaving, it did not work for one simple reason. I couldn't see it. It was not because I was blind. I saw everything that happened. It was not because I was deaf. I heard every word that was said. It was not because I could not feel Dr G's energy trying to possess me and force me to leave the class.

It as because I had Faith.

I knew that Dr G was a good man. I only had to have Faith, Patience, Hope and Trust and he would take care of me. Yumiko, my idol, had implied that Dr G was close to godlike. God would not do anything bad to a person or hurt them. God would not refuse to help a sick person like me.

I could not see the play that was set up to get me to leave because it was impossible for me to believe that Dr G and the rest of the Ba Gua group could be so devious. Devious is bad, it is evil. Dr G and the Ba Gua guys were good. Dr G was godlike. I had Faith, Trust, Hope and Patience in him.

If I had realized what was going on, I would have thought I was being tested. They wanted to test my faith to the group. Was I a loser like the new student? Someone who would cut and run if the going got tough? Or was I a man who could look the teacher and the students in the face, when they were saying mean things, and stand there straight and tall and say "I trust you. I believe in you. I will not leave because I know you are testing me as part of my Ba Gua training".

When I think about it now, I literally guffaw. My face and sides hurt from laughing so much. These men are sitting up a situation to try to rid themselves of someone they do not want. But that someone who is such a bad guy they have to get rid of him? He believes they are like angels sent down from heaven and living here on earth. Flowers sprout from the ground where they walk. He cannot conceive of these men having a negative thought.

They must have gone nuts! They could read my mind so they knew exactly what I was thinking. Ask yourself. If you are reading someone's mind, and they are thinking "You are a god. I am loyal to you. I will do whatever you say because I belive in you", could you start kicking them and punching them.

Could you look them in the face and say "I don't want you here. I want you to leave"?