Friday, December 16, 2005

The Monster

So here I am. Attending the weekend classes every week. Attending the men's meetings. Soaking up Mike's talks every weekend and trying to figure them out. Trying to apply them to my life.

Mike is spending the majority of his time with the women. He would come over and talk to the men after the main group. He might talk to the senior students. I remember him hanging out with the women all the time. What was really odd was that a couple of times, he made a genuine effort to come over and talk to the men as a group. When he did, it was as if the men's group pushed him away. I could never discern why. Mike would come over, say a few things, then I could literally feel the energy change and it was as if the group was pushing Mike away. Then he would retreat back to the women.

I am not certain but I think it could have been territoriality. If you practice kung fu for some time, and you learn real kung fu, something grows inside of you. It is like a monster actually. It really seems like there is a separate entity inside of you that is beyond your control. This monster is an animal. If it does not like someone, it will bust right thru a person's regular personality and let it's opinion be known.

I am something of an expert on this because it was why I finally left the teacher that made me sick. Without realizing it, I had finally attained the particular level of kung fu where this monster became a part of me. One day, for no reason I could think of, I almost got in a fight with another student. It was suicide too. The other guy was bigger and he was a senior student. I would have been smashed flat as a board. I would not have had a chance.

That didn't matter. That monster inside of me wanted to fight. Luckily Chris saw what was happening and came over and said "What's going on here?". What was so strange about it was I could not tell him. At the time, I did not understand what was happening. I felt like something beyond my control wanted to fight this guy while I was standing there thinking "This is crazy. That guy will murder me. What the heck is going on?".

I was finally forced to leave the school when that monster began to act up towards chris. I think that it acts on your true feelings. My true feelings were that I thought Chris was making people sick, he had made me sick, he had not trained me because I did not pay him. I resented him. After this monster developed inside of me, when Chris came by, my energy would flare up like it wanted to attack him.

The most vivid instance of that was when I was standing by the front desk hitting a sand bag. There were 4 or 5 other guys all hitting sandbags too. We were all talking and joking. Chris was in the back with some student. He finished with the student and came walking to the desk. My energy flared up like it resented Chris approaching the desk. It was his school! My actions were totally out of line. I could not control them. That monster inside of me did what it wanted to.

The instance was memorable because when my energy flared, everyone around me went quiet. That is the way energy works. The people around you will pick it up. Or, if you are strong enough, you will control them into doing things. I think they picked up my monsters bad thoughts towards Chris and they all shut up. It was one of those moments when everything goes quiet. Here I was in Chris's school and I am treating him like "What the hell are you doing here asshole?". It was really embarrassing. It was a struggle too. I could feel the monsters anger and resentment. At the same time I thought everything I wrote above. I could not stop the monster because I did not even realize that is what it was.

It was soon after that event that I was forced to leave. I can see why. How could Chris run his school if I was being an asshole to him? He had to be the top dog to control the class. He cannot allow me to act up. What I resent and hold against him is, why didn't he tell me what was going on? He was the kung fu instructor. He must have known what it was that was happening to me. Maybe if he had talked to me about it, I could have controlled it somehow. It took me years to even be certain enough about what was going on before I could think about it in the clear way I have described above.

Getting back to Ba Gua, I wonder if Mike stayed away from the men's group because someone in the group had a monster that resented Mike. It is no joke. You can literally feel a pressure pushing you away. Usually you can feel the associated emotion. Hate, anger, competitive instinct, whatever. As Mike was a highly skilled man, I am certain he got a full dose of whatever it was.

Mike was not the kind of man to push people. He would tell them something and if they did it fine. If they didn't do it, too bad for them. I think his comment at one of the instances when the men pushed him away was "Wow". That was it. Mike was like that. Making you guess what was going on or what he was after. His one word "Wow" was meant to say "Wow. Why are you guys pushing me away? I guess I will go back to the women".

This was not only at the main group. There were plans from the very beginning when I joined for Mike to come to the men's meetings. I think at first they may have said something about letting me get used to things before Mike came. Because I had such trouble staying calm it would not do much good for Mike to come by if I was so nervous and tense it ruined the atmosphere.

Would you believe that after 3 years, Mike NEVER attended a men's group meeting? That should tell the insightful person something. If you are paying attention to what was written above and before, the whole point of the class was to turn the men's group into a unit that could be used for whatever goal. How can a group of men turn into a unit when the leader never comes to talk to them as a group?

Mike talked to the men individually at the weekend classes. He saw them during the week at the psychologist practice. I heard that he had a friendship with some of the men that included the freedom to call up and bullshit if they felt like it. But he never in 3 years made it to a men's meeting.

You can take that as you wish. A failing on the part of the men, or a failing on the part of Mike. I think Mike should have worked harder. I think he should have pushed or forced the men in the proper direction instead of ignoring them. I think I am right because in the end, the group collapsed. It collapsed in my opinion because Mike did not work with the men enough. He was too busy with all the women.

Mike might say it was the men's fault. He would say some New Age kind of thing like "they weren't ready". It can see that and understand it. I can also see that I think Mike took the easy route. Why bother with the men when you have 25 vaginas and 50 breasts that hang on your every word and follow you around like a puppy?

I know I sound bitter at times. I feel it is deserved. As I said, the men's group fell apart. Guess what? The women's group did not. The women's group that Mike spent all his time at held together and they still work at something or the other till this day.

I think if that if all of us had vaginas and breasts, or if Mike was gay, then the men's group probably would have held together just as the women's group did. Mike would have spent time with us to hang around our vaginas and breasts, or, if he was gay, he would have spent time with us because he liked men.

There are only two men that are still with Mike from what I hear. Both of them are sheep. They do whatever the sheepherder, Mike, tells them. All the independent men went their own ways.

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