Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Cattle

Evolution says that human beings evolved from animals. That is such a dry thing to say. For me it really never had any meaning other than as something that was learned in school or from the news.

Then I actually saw animal behavior in human beings. I was astonished and fearful. I was astonished because there was no doubt that what I was witnessing was animal behavior. I felt like an explorer watching the movements of animals in the wild. I was fearful because I realized that these human beings had lost their intelligence. They were acting like animals without a conscious thought about what they were doing. That was frightening to me because, how do you reason with an animal? One can only deal with an animal thru violence and intimidation if the animal causes trouble.

My experience in the Ba Gua class provided some of the most striking and personal examples of animal behavior I have ever witnessed. I am specifically referring to the herding instinct. When animals will crowd together for safety or some other instinct. The first time it happened was surreal. I again felt as if I was an explorer who was witnessing the behavior of animals who behaved without conscious thought.

At this point in time, the male class was chris, jeff, george, lonnie, me, arol, tim, james and the new guy steve. At some point in time after Steve's arrival, there was another of the men's meetings that I discussed previously. This one was over at Jeff's house. Chris's apartment was smallish, and there was an agreement to spread the load of visitors among people.

All of us lived in widely varied locations. As much as 40 miles apart. The majority of us lived in the central location where Chris lived. Jeff lived about 15 or 20 miles away in another city. It was difficult to get too because of big city traffic. His apartment was larger though still smallish. He was a young man who was beginning his life. The city was expensive to live in. He was lucky to have found a largish one room type house.

That night at the meeting was jeff, me, chris, steve, arol and tim. For whatever reasons, george, lonnie and steve were not there. For some reason I recall how vividly lit the room was. It was painted a light yellow or white color. Everything in the room seemed vivid and intense.

There was university within walking distance of Jeff's place. It was up a hill thru a scenic neigborhood. The university had a large quad type area. The meetings were around 7 or 8 at night. The were usually very few people about. We would go up there to practice. We would do the basic stretches, perform the forms together, do some walking, then split up for individual practice. Then we walked back to Jeff's place.

We got back and warmed ourselves up. The area was usually cool, especially on top of the hill at the university. Then we sat down with some hot tea to talk about whatever. Jeff and Chris were the senior students. Arol, Tim, Steve and I were the new students. Arol and Tim to my mind were what could be called boys. That sounds insulting to me but that is what I think of. I did not think of myself that way. I viewed myself as an experienced martial artist who was years older than both of them. Steve was that much older than me. His appearance was that of an obviously older person. This gave him the.....respect or wisdom of an older person. Whether it was deserved or not.

Jeff and Chris were sitting in one corner of the room. That is significant in that both senior students were together. Arol and Tim were sitting at the opposite corner of the room. The room was so small that the distance was not as far as you might imagine. It was significant that Arol and Tim were together because they were what I have described as the young boy students.

I was sitting in between the two groups, closer to Arol and Tim. That is significant because it shows that I felt kinship with Arol and Tim. I did not feel like one of them so that I was actually in their group. I felt more like them than I did the senior students though. The senior students in my mind were people to keep a distance from. I felt it was best to avoid senior people because then no misunderstandings can ever take place. My health problems also made me fearful of anyone I considered a threat. Jeff and Chris, as established martial artists, were both a threat to me. I felt no threat from Arol or Tim.

Steve was also sitting in the middle close to me. I would say that he and I were a group. I don't remember that feeling of closeness. I know he was physically close to me because of the small room size. I do not remember feeling as if he and I were a group the way Tim and Arol or Jeff and Chris formed a group.

We all sat there and talked about this and that. It bothers me I cannot recall the specific subject that was being discussed. It was insignificant from my point of view which was why I think I don't recall it. I was in a state where I was not paying real intellectual attention to the conversation. I was there and observing. The conversation did not concern me, whatever it was. So I sat there, kept my mouth shut, and listened.

Arol and Jeff or Chris were discussing something. Suddenly there was a change in the room. It was as obvious as if a wind hand blown thru the room. Someone was upset or angry or challenging. I felt all of this. I did not register the words associated with what was happening. The senior student repeated whatever it was he had said in a stronger and more definte, a challenging way. Arol very clearly, whatever he said, made it clear he did not agree and that the senior student could take a flying leap.

It was as if all of those words had been spoken clearly and outloud. There was a silence for a minute. Then, drawing attention to himself because the room was silent, Steve deliberately moved himself from his position by me and over to include himself in the group of Chris and Jeff. It was so obvious I could not believe my eyes. I was literally dumbfounded.

Steve had heard the exact same angry exchange I did. He heard the dismissive retort the same as I did. Then he carefully looked at both groups, and as obvious as you please moved himself into the group of the more powerful men. The senior students. When you hear the term "bootlicking" or "buttkissing", I cannot think of a better example. I would not have been surprised to see Steve stand up and say "I reject what he just said. I don't believe a word of it. I am with you guys, the senior students. So help me God!"

I was in shock. I saw all this as if it was happening in slow motion. I could not move because I felt as if I was witnessing two separate conversations. The verbal conversation with things left unsaid, and the physical conversation which left no doubt as to what was being said. In my view, it was animal like behavior that motivated Steve to move as he did. If he was a dog or a cow, he would have looked at the big dogs Chris and Jeff, looked at the other dogs and cows, Arol and Tim, and gone over and laid on his back in front of Chris and Jeff to show his submission.

I refused to behave like that. It violated the way I view myself on a basic level. I abhor people that act without thinking. What made the situation worse for me was the feeling of compulsion. When Steve moved, his need was so strong that I could feel it. His body language screamed at me to join him with the big dogs and submit myself. I would never do that. For any reason.

I sat there, looking at Jeff, Chris, and Steve in one corner far away. Then I looked at Arol and Tim who were basically right next to me. In this world of animal behavior I suddenly found myself in, it looked like I was part of the bad guys. It looked physically like I was sitting with the troublemakers Arol and Tim. I could see this thought flitting thru the minds of Jeff and Chris and Steve. If it was my imagination, I know I could see it. I may refuse to behave like an animal. I can still interpret their actions and what they are thinking.

I sat there and consciously refused to move myself to the "safety" of the group of Jeff, Chris and Steve. I refused to obey the compulsion to make a choice and move. To me, my physical location had nothing to do with what was being said. Any human being could see that Arol and Tim had their own verbal opinion. My physical proximity to them did not mean I agreed with what the said. Any thinking rational human being could see that.

In this animal world I found myself in, no one was rational. The conversation then continued with Steve playing the role of peacemaker. He was going to mediate between the senior guys and the young boys. This was a role that would become familiar. It was how Steve ingratiated himself to authority. We would move close to authority like he did, then say what they wanted to hear.

The conversation continued for some small bit. I don't think I played much of an active part. I felt if I said a word, I would be validating this weird exchange that was taking place. As long as I kept my mouth shut, it was all something that was taking place between all of them.

The mediating didn't work very well. The mood turned sour. Chris, Jeff and Steve were behaving as if Arol and Tim were some kind of traitors or something. They were not surly or rude. There was something about the energy of the room. The friendliness seemed gone. I don't know if Arol and Tim were aware of it.

Thruout all of this, Arol was the lead man. He was older and had a job so he was what people label responsible. Tim was a young guy going to school. Tim was an instigator of trouble or he would back trouble. Whatever had been going on, Arol was the speaker, but Tim was on his side with comments or nods or what have you. There was no doubt that the senior guys considired Arol and Tim as part of a group or problem. I don't know if they felt that way about me or not.

Chris suddenly announced he had to leave. He was upset and did not want to stay. Steve was old enough to see how things were developing and he too said that he had to leave. Arol and Tim said they did not have anything to do. They were free to stay. I wanted to be seen as an attentive person so I said I too could stay. That left Jeff as the senior student who was going to lead......something.

Arol and Tim, as the young boys, looked at Jeff as one of themselves. Another young boy to talk to and have fun with. Jeff played along with this because he wanted to fit in and project the proper image. He did not really feel like that though. Jeff was a graduate of a college and a Dr of Chinese Medicine. He had much more status than someone like Arol or Tim. Even though he was being friendly to them in the spirit of the men's group, he was not at their level.

Arol and Tim were not aware of that I don't believe. After we had said farewell to Steve and Chris, we all sat down to talk some more. Arol and Tim were bubbly and happy. From their point of view, the trouble, Chris and Steve, had left. They were ready to have fun with Jeff who they viewed as a fellow. I was my usual quiet self.

We sat back down and Jeff said something about what did people want to talk about. Arol and Tim did not really know. They just knew they wanted to stay and talk. It was late. Maybe 9 or 10. Arol and Tim were asking Jeff to stay up and party with them basically. They didn't necessarily have anything about kung fu or ba gua to talk about.

Another one of those energy changing instances occured. I could tell Jeff was not happy about Arol and Tim. He was not rude to their face. His energy was one of rejection and dismay. I felt very badly because I could tell exactly what Jeff was thinking. I myself felt some of the disappointment. I had stayed because if Jeff the senior student was speaking, I wanted to be there to hear it. When it was apparent that Arol and Tim wanted entertainment, like children, and not information, I was as dismayed as Jeff. I felt like because I was there, Jeff was thinking of me in the same terms as he was Arol and Tim. I wanted to leave. Immediately if possible.

Jeff suggested he talk about Chinese Medicine. Arol and Tim thought this was great. Jeff grudgingly got out some books and began to talk. I was agonzing really. To be able to see this big sign over Jeff's forehead saying "I wish you guys would leave". Then looking at Arol and Tim who were in rapt attention to whatever Jeff was saying, happy as clams.

This went on for a little bit. I want to take credit for ending things. After some minutes, I think I felt so bad that I said I had to leave. That gave Jeff the chance to say he needed to get to bed for in the morning. It could have ended differently at someone else's suggestion.

Watching Steve that night move over into the big dogs group. Feeling like the 3 of them were looking at Arol, Tim and I as if we were an opposing group, when we were all supposed to be friends part of the same group, was one of the most vivid examples of animal herding instinct I remember. It was only the first as part of my experience in the class.

Sitting there observing people who were presented to me as superior kung fu people, elevated people who could help me, behave like animals at the level of unspoken communication gave my belief in them and people in general quite a jolt. I knew regular people behaved in unthinking ways. To see this men who had years of kung fu training that I could see in them behaving like mindless animals....Wow.

Thinking about it right now? It could be Steve, Arol and Tim only that acted like animals. At some elevated level, the need for physical speech becomes irrelevant. People can read each other's energy the way I could read everything I described above. Jeff and Chris's emission of rejecting or angry energy could have been a calculated thing by highly trained people, as opposed to the mindless movement of Steve crawling towards the highest concentration of power.

At that time I did not know them well enough for me to judge if they were capable of communicating non verbally. That is why I attribute their actions to mindless animal behavior. Later on I learned that they were as good as if not much more skilled than I was at reading people.

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