Me and Dr G - Yin Fu Ba Gua

Another game to get rid of people

2009-04-26T06:49:00.000-07:00

As has been related in previous entries in this blog, Dr G engaged in various subterfuges in an attempt to make people leave the group. Because of the way Dr G portrayed himself, the group, and his aspirations, it was impossible for Dr G to ask someone to leave the group, or to tell someone to leave the group.

Dr G was always stressing family, loyalty, and dignity. How could you invite someone to join your group, then ask them to leave or tell them to leave, and expect the remaining group members to still believe that you are loyal and think of them as family?

So Dr G had to use his psychological and kung fu skills to try to trick or manipulate people into leaving the group.

Dr G was a psychiatrist with a psychiatric practice. That was his "real" job. As opposed to teaching kung fu being a lucrative hobby or side job.

Dr G had asked all of the members of the group to go see him at his practice. The purpose was to have one on one time with Dr G, as opposed to seeing him in the role of a psychiatric patient. The time was to be spent talking about Ba Gua or any other related kind of topic that would lead to an improvement in the students practice of Ba Gua.

Dr G charged a sliding scale for the visits to his one on one visits. Dr G had chosen a yuppie area for his operations so the students all had money. Dr G would charge poor people like me $70 or $75 dollars, while the rich yuppies might pay $125 or more per visit, depending on how rich they were.

Dr G would always say "If this is truly valuable to you, then the money is nothing." I always felt that if money was nothing, then why was he charging?

Dr G would respond to that question by saying that the money you paid was a measure of your dedication. If you were dedicated and truly had desire, you wouldn't care about the money in pursuit of bettering yourself.

Of course the money mattered everytime Dr G deposited it in the bank, but according to him, that was not the same thing.

Which brings us to this particular plot to try to get people to quit the Ba Gua group.

The appointments with Dr G were an hour long. One day Dr G comes to class and says he thinks that people are taking advantage of him. They are going to the one on one visits for an hour, but nothing is happening. Dr G says time is being wasted.

Dr G then states he is going to change the one on one visit time period from 1 hour to 45 minutes. The stated goal is to make people focus and work, because they now have a limited time with Dr G.

This is really funny if you think about it. Dr G is a businessmen selling a product. Dr G tells his customers that they do not measure up. Because the customers do not measure up, he is going to sell them less product for the same amount of money.

And the customers go along with it!!!!!!!!!!

What Dr G was doing was looking for sheep. If you were a sheep, you would pay any amount of money for time with Dr G. If you were a human being who could think for themselves, you would see that Dr G. was cheating you and you would do something about it. Hopefully leave from Dr G's point of view.

Another thing left unsaid was that if Dr G has an 8 hour day with 8 1 hour appointments, by reducing the appointment time to 45 minutes, he can see 2 more patients per day, at maybe $125 per 45 minute session.

Dr G really loves the money.

I cannot tell you if the plot worked or not. The men's group was so small that it would have been immediately obvious if someone left because the private session time was changed. No one left the men's group in that time period. Not for that reason anyways.

There could have been women who left the group over the change in private session time. As previously stated, the men were kept separate from the women, so I never had any idea how many there were or who they were.

By that time in the group's history, I think probably all the customers went right ahead and paid Dr G the businessman the same money for less product.

Sounds almost like he was selling drugs doesn't it? What other kind of people would willingly pay the same money for less product?

He was selling drugs. He was selling energy.

Interesting news article - Spritualist guru raped vulnerable women lured to his cult, court hears

2009-03-31T08:49:00.000-07:00

Michael Lyons, 51, styled himself as spiritualist Mohan Singh and victims were convinced he was linked to the Dalai Lama, it is alleged.

But in fact he is a 'sexual predator' who raped and assaulted new or potentially new followers that he found attractive, a jury was told.

Prosecutor Philip Katz QC said: "We say the defendant, calling himself Mohan Singh, is a sexual predator masquerading as a Guru and healer.

"We say he has been systematically raping and sexually assaulting those new recruits into his group who he found attractive."

Lyons is said to have attacked seven women from 1998 to 2008.

Wood Green Crown Court heard the victims would be brought to him after female devotees had praised him as being 'enlightened'.

He would then criticise them and ask about whether they were sexually abused in the past, it was said. He would also convince them that he could help them, the court heard.

Bearded Lyons, who wore a purple robe in court, left one victim feeling drained and unable to move after performing a 'violent' neck twist on her and giving her acupuncture, the jury was told.

The court heard how Lyons was surrounded by a large group of young women who would follow his commands.

One victim, an American, said he raped her in July 1998, during a trip to London.

She said he had shown her a film which left her feeling 'in a strange mental state' before suddenly Lyons - who she knew as Mohan - was on top of her naked.

She told police: "I said something to the effect that I didn't want to be doing this. He offered me more spiritual mumbo jumbo. He also said something along the lines that I was a tiger or a dragon."

The woman, who cannot be named for legal reasons, said he had convinced her to stop taking medication.

She told the court: "I threw out my medication at some time during the time with Mohan because this person I believed to be affiliated with the Dalai Lama recommended it and I believed him to be trying to help me."

Another alleged rape victim wept as she told the jury how she had been attacked at Lyons' flat in north London in June 2002.

She said in a previous job in 1998 a female colleague called 'Gina' had tried to persuade her to meet Mohan. She said: "She told me he was an enlightened person. She presented him as a spiritual, maybe psychic person."

Having declined those invitations, four years later Gina walked into a gym where the victim was now working and they agreed to meet up for a drink.

They met and Gina had brought along a large group of female friends, the court heard, before they eventually went back to a flat in Belsize Park where Lyons lived.

She told the court Lyons had criticised her for being Buddhist before emerging with a burning frying pan that smelt of herbs and wafted it around her mumbling incoherent words.

He then beckoned her to lie on a massage couch with the other women still around and Gina encouraging her, she said.

Once she was on the couch he twisted her neck suddenly, before remarking to the others: "Doesn't she look better". He then told her to walk around the circle of women who made comments about her, the victim said.

She said she began to feel 'uncomfortable' when she was singled out for special treatment like being given a blanket and particular drinks to sip from.

She told the court she "suddenly" came to her senses and wanted to leave but was told Mohan wanted to say goodbye and beckoned her to the massage couch again.

She said: "He manoeuvred my neck and it was so violent I thought he had broken my neck. I was completely stunned.

"Next I saw him putting acupuncture needles in me. He hadn't asked me. I didn't want him to put needles in me. I was just petrified.

"The girls said they were leaving and I said 'not without me' and Gina said 'He needs to finish his treatment."

After the acupuncture she collapsed and felt like she had 'no strength' before he ushered her into his bedroom and raped her despite her pleas for him to stop, the woman told the court.

Lyons, of Belsize Park, north London, denies five counts of rape and three counts of assault.

The trial continues.

Set up to leave under my own power

2009-01-16T10:43:00.000-08:00

It has been ages since I have written in this blog. Someone hasn't been happy I assume so my mind has been occupied with other things. ;)

As has been the case with many of these later entries, this one is out of time sequence and will have to be ordered chronologically eventually.

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At some point in the 3rd year of my time with Dr G, Dr G made references to God. The focus of the group up to that point in time had been helping or changing the world for the better. A laudable goal for any organization whether it was a Yin Fu Ba Gua class or a class at the local high school.

Dr G felt that bringing God into things was equivalent to aspiring towards a higher plane of existence. Since Yin Fu Ba Gua was also focused on aspiring towards a higher plane of existence, talking about God fit into the class.

I did not like this idea. I wasn't much of a God person, and I felt it was a distraction from kung fu. The class was a group though, so if he needed to talk to the group about things that were not important to me, well it was a group so the individual is expected to be tolerant. I didn't mind being tolerant and listening to Dr G talk about God. It was part of my job of being a good student. Besides. I listened to every single word Dr G uttered in the hope I would find some help with my health situation.

Dr G then decided he thought it would be a good idea to talk to me personally about God. The subject came up in the private meetings I had with him. I voiced my discomfort with the subject of God and my rejection of the idea or the need for talking about God. Dr G talked some more about God and how he felt it would be a positive thing for me. I went ahead and agreed with Dr G because I had faith in him as a Dr of Chinese medicine, a Ba Gua man, A Tai Chi man, and a Dr of Psychology, that he was telling me things his experience felt would improve my health situation.

I took Dr G's advice about God to heart. I picked up some books on various culture's beliefs in God or Gods and I thought about the subject on my own. I would parrot some of the things that Dr G said about God, or I would participate in a discussion about God, where before I would have remained silent on the subject because I felt it was pointless.

Dr G probably spent some months, I would say at least 6 or so, bringing up the subject of God. The class meetings might take any direction, so if Dr G began talking about God and talked about God off and on for 6 months, it wasn't so out of the ordinary.

At some point in time there was going to be the yearly class family gathering. Every year the entire class would get together for lunch or dinner somewhere. It was different from the Ba Gua class because many people could not attend the Ba Gua class. At the yearly gatherings, all of Dr G's students would try to show up.

This yearly gathering was held at a church. The gathering was eventful as will be fully described in other entries to this blog. The event of this entry was the entertainment and initiation.

A new person wanted to join the group. The man was an older man who was a lawyer. I personally felt he was not suited to joining the group. I did not know it at the time, but I suspect Dr G had been hobnobbing with the rich, and this lawyer was one of those rich people. He was curious about Dr G and wanted to join to be around Dr G, not because he was interested in learning about Ba Gua.

Dr G told us that we were going to hold the man's interview for joining the group in front of the people at the yearly gathering. That seemed odd to me. The interview process felt to me like a private kind of thing that was not suited for an audience. After thinking about it for some time, I eventually came to the conclusion that Dr G wanted the interview in front of those people, as a way to put pressure on the lawyer for some reason. Dr G was always testing people, so I figured the public interview was just another game to see where the lawyer would jump.

Dr G wanted each of us to say something during the interview. Looking back, I can see that having each of us speak publicaly would give the gathering a chance to see each of us and form some kind of reaction. I didn't want to publicly speak and I didn't understand why he wanted us to speak at the time.

Since Dr G was gung ho for God at that time, I wrote down 3 or 4 paragraphs that basically parrotted everything that Dr G had been saying for the past 3 years, with a special emphasis on how God could help you out. It felt stupid and false to me, but I didn't care. That was what Dr G was telling me would help my health situation, so I was talking about God.

I feel silly now because I honestly at the time felt like talking about God was like taking a pill or doing a special exercise. I honestly felt like Dr G was telling me if I started talking about God, Poof!, my health would improve. My health was so bad at that time, I would have done anything to try to improve it, even going so far as to believe that talking about God would Poof! make me healthy.

The time came for us to do the interview bit. I was incredibly nervous about speaking publicly in front of strangers, because I knew that I was a.......difficult to accept individual. Besides having to speak publicly in front of strangers, I knew there was something about me that seemed to turn people the wrong way.

We all sat up on stage in a semicircle with the lawyer in front of us. The gathering was quite large so it was just as intimidating as I imagined it. The various group members asked the lawyer their various questions as would normally be done during the interview process. Then each person gave their speech about what they felt was important for the lawyer to know about Ba Gua.

It came to be my turn and I read my speech. There was one particular line where I wrote something about how important it was to pay attention to or believe in God. I remember that line because when I read it out loud, it felt like I shouted it. I felt like I shouted the line because it was something I didn't really believe. I shouted it so no one would notice I was saying something I didn't really believe.

The interview finished up and everyone went back out into the gathering for the dinner. Another reason I clearly remember shouting the line about God in my speech, was that someone was talking to Dr G and I, and this person said to Dr G "I never thought I would hear this guy talk about God. He is really changing from being around you".

That statement bothered me because I felt guilty. I knew I was only saying the God stuff because Dr G said it would Poof! fix my health problems. I didn't really believe it. And then here was someone telling Dr G that they believed my act about saying how important God was........

As a Ba Gua man I was supposed to be honest and have integrity. I am naturally an honest person with integrity anyways. To stand their listening them talk about me doing something that I knew was a lie was difficult to deal with.

Nothing else from the yearly gathering is pertinent to this blog entry, so it is time to move on.

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Some time later Dr G went on vacation. In my third year with Dr G, Dr G began to disappear with what to me was unpleasant regularity. I was paying Dr G for Ba Gua lessons and for improving my health. I was dependent on Dr G because I needed my health problems fixed. When Dr G began to disappear all the time, I felt like I was being neglected.

One of Dr G's vacations involved going back to China to visit with his instructor who was getting old and close to dying. Dr G was going to be gone for a month. That seemed reasonable with traveling and visiting an old dying guy. It was hard to be upset about that.

The class went ahead and continued on for the month that Dr G was gone. When Dr G came back, everyone reacted with the elation they always had when he was around. No one else in the group was a very good talker. When Dr G was there, he might talk to the group for an hour or more about nothing in particular. When Dr G was gone, the group felt more like work, with people going through the motions and no one having anything to say on their own.

Whether it was his first Sunday back or a later Sunday I do not recall, but after Dr G came back from his vacation, he let the hatchet fall.

Dr G was giving the usual class talk and describing his experiences in China. He described how he had spent time talking with his instructor about the group and all the things the group and done and believed in. Then he dropped his bombshell.

Dr G said that he had talked to his instructor about God, and come to the conclusion that God was a waste of time. When Dr G made this statemnt, he looked right at me.

Dr G had set me up and just sprung the trap.

Dr G had encouraged me to believe in God because he knew I thought believing in God was a waste of time. Dr G was using my trust in him, to encourage me to do something I would never do unless I was encouraged to by someone I trusted.

After Dr G believed I was fully committed to believing in God, or in other words, after I gave Dr G my full trust, and ignored what I believed in order to believe what Dr G suggested, Dr G said something that he felt would completely destroy our relationship.

How else would I be expected to react when someone I trusted, Dr G, said right to my face in front of a group of people, that the advice he gave me was no good? The unstated implication being that anyone that did believe the advice was also no good?

Dr G had heard me put force on that word God in the interview at the gathering. Dr G must have felt that I had taken his advice about God strongly enough, that if he contradicted his advice, and joked about people who actually took his advice, that I would get angry and leave the group.

That really hurt me. To sit there thinking that this man whose hands I had put my trust and my health in, was purposefully manipulating me to hurt me and / or drive me away from the class. Especially when I could look at the 35 other people in the class he apparently had no problem with helping.

I didn't leave the group of course. I am much too stubborn to do that.

The Chinese medicine doctor, the psychologist, the Ba Gua man, the Tai Chi man named Dr G, had accepted me as a student and told me he would help me with my health problems. I knew without a doubt that it was within Dr G's abilities to help me with my health problems.

There was absolutely no way, no way at all, I would voluntarily have left the opportunity to have my health problems fixed. I was that desperate.

Sometimes I wonder what could have been so bad about my presence, that Dr G would have resorted to lies and manipulation, things he regularly condemned in his weekly talks to the group, to try to trick me or force me into leaving.

Then I think about Dr G talking to me about integrity, pride and morality, then lying to me and manipulating me.

If I really was such a hard person for Dr G to deal with, it must have been God paying Dr G back for using God's name in Dr G's petty little manipulation games.

No Shame

2008-08-21T05:40:00.000-07:00

The following incident occurred after I had left Dr G's Ba Gua class. I do not believe that event has been chronicled in the blog as of yet.

A year or so after I had left the class, I received a phone call. Dr G was going to be in town and there was going to be a get together at one of the men's house. The call was to ask me if I would like to attend.

I found this very shocking because after I left the Ba Gua class, I had not had any contact with any of the people there. I had received a phone call from Steve with more tales of Mike's sexual relationships with the women in the women's group. I had not seen anyone from the group at all during that year.

I agreed to go. I was nervous and interested. Nervous because I left under less than happy circumstances. No one had talked to me for a year, and now here I was receiving an invitation to go to a meeting as if I still was a part of the group or something. Interested because I wondered what had happened to the group. Did it fall apart? Did it keep going? How was everyone?

The meeting was very far away from me. An hour and a half or two hours. That was quite a drive because I had an old junk car. The meeting was going to be in the evening, I suppose after everyone had finished with work.

The meeting was at a house that I found out was being rented by George and I think Steve. It was surprising to me that they were roommates because I did not think that they were that close. The house was old and huge. I really liked it from the moment I saw it. It was a farm kind of house so it had lots of land around it and a folksy kind of feel to it.

I pulled up and I think Steve came out to meet me. Jeff was there as was Lonnie. I asked where George was and Steve said he was in Europe on a business trip. I mentioned how I thought that sounded important and asked if George had been moving up in the world. I don't recall the answer. If it was just a regular kind of trip that George made for his job or if it was something new and special.

I was given a tour of the outside of the house. I think that George's son showed up around this time and accompanied us on the tour. He had just returned from school.

All this time I was feeling some trepidation because Dr G was already at the house. His car was in the parking lot when I arrived and the other men had mentioned that he was inside. We finished the tour of the house, which really was a fantastic house, and went inside.

What happened inside the house literally blew my mind.

We all walked into the house through the kitchen and into the living room. Dr G was sitting in a semi reclining type chair with his right leg extended out in front of him. He had taken his show off and his foot was bare.

Sitting at his feet and massaging his foot was George's wife.

I was so shocked I literally jerked in place. Not the kind of shock where you think you disapprove of something and you act shocked. This was the kind of shock like you were in a department store and you turned around and there was someone naked there. There is no way a naked person should be in a department store.

I could not believe my eyes. George was in Europe, and Dr G was in George's house, in George's living room, sitting in George's chair, and George's wife was massaging Dr G's bare foot. I am sitting here stunned just thinking about it again.

It was much worse than you think though, if you do not understand what was going on. George's wife was not just massaging Dr G's foot. George's wife was massaging Dr G's penis.

I DO NOT mean she was literally massaging his penis. Her hands were only on Dr G's foot. What I mean is that because of the way the human body is constructed, when a man is sexually excited, one of his legs will extend forward. That leg has a sexual kind of sensitivity. It is almost like the extended leg is playing the part of an erect penis. Instead of the penis becoming erect and sticking out, the leg will become erect and stick out.

So massaging a man's leg when it is sticking straight out like that, produces sensations similar to the one's the man would feel if his penis was actually being stimulated. Massaging a man's sexually excited extended leg sexually stimulates the man.

George's wife was sitting right there in the living room, sexually stimulating Dr G by massaging his bare right foot at the end of his extended right leg, and neither one of them acted like they had a care in the world. They acted like it was the most normal thing in the world for another man's wife to be massaging Dr G's bare foot in front of all of us.

There was no way any of them could have missed my reaction. I literally froze up and stumbled when I saw the two of them. I had this feeling like I should turn and leave because I had walked in on a couple who were engaged in sex. My eyes closed briefly because I felt like I was intruding on a sex scene.

The idea that Dr G could allow that to happen, or that George's wife could be doing that, when apparently everyone knew that Dr G had adulterated with the wives of other men in the group, as well as having sex with unattached women in the women's group was something my brain refused to accept.

Dr G spent years talking to the group about dignity, loyalty and family. Talking about being an upright kung fu man, being proud, and making Ba Gua look good.

How could this man say all of those things, then adulterate with a man's wife, have sex with unattached women in the women's group, and then sit there in another man's living room with that man's wife sexually stimulating his bare foot?

Didn't he have any shame?

What was even worse was that not one of the other men reacted. Not Lonnie. Not Jeff. Not Steve. Not even little George, who I would have thought would have acted out or said something at the sight of his mother servicing some man other than his father. They all acted like George's wife sexually stimulating Mike's bare foot right there in front of us was not even happening.

We all walked by and back into another room where we were going to have the meeting. Mike was going to join us as soon as George's wife was finished sexually stimulating his foot.

Controlled

2008-06-17T10:05:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile since the last entry here. The subject of this entry may have been touched on previously, or even completely described. I do not recall for certain. As this blog constitutes notes for a book, it matters not to me if their is duplication in the entries.

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Towards the end of my relationship with Dr G, Dr G announced that he was going to Arizona to set up a school or a society or something. He was planning on doing this in Sedona, Arizona. He missed a couple of classes for what he said were trips to Sedona for planning etc.

I cast doubt on the claims his absences from class were due to going to Sedona, because Dr G missed a lot of classes towards the end of my relationship. I think the reason for this was purposeful. As readers of previous entries of this blog may know, I felt that towards the end of my relationship with Dr G, Dr G had made a decision to purposefully destroy the group.

I believe that his many absences from class towards the end of our relationship, was an attempt to anger people in the group. They would feel they were paying a man for lessons, that the man never showed up to give. There were so many absences, that to suggest they were a test of the loyalty of people stretches credulity. What person, even a loyal one, would continue to pay money to an instructor that might not attend 3 out of 4 monthly classes?

At first the talk of Dr G going to Sedona was just talk. I thought. Then as time went by, the talk became more and more serious. It did not make any sense. Dr G had spent years telling everyone how this group of individuals was going to do this and that to "save the world". The group was a cohesive group that was dedicated to doing good. The group was based on integrity, loyalty and family style.

How could the leader of a group based on loyalty and family style, just leave the group and move to a completely different state, 1000's of miles away? Sounds crazy doesn't it? Or a con job.

Everybody played along of course. Everyone was accepting of Dr G's move and it was discussed in the open group of men and women, and it was discussed within the men's group alone.

At this time the class was taking place at a schoolgrounds. The schoolgrounds were quite large with a basketball court, a play area with recreational equipment and various benches and tables scattered about.

On this particular day is was sunny and beautiful. It frequently was which was one of the reasons for holding class there. The men's group had gathered around one of the tables for a discussion of the upcoming move.

Lonnie, Jeff, George, myself, Steve and possibly Dan or Tom were all there. Dr G was standing up so that he was talking down to us at the table. There was discussion of his move and what it would mean for the group.

The plan was that Dr G would go to Sedona to do whatever he was doing, while the group remained in Northern California and continued the "work" that was already going on. For me, what I heard in all of that talk was "I am leaving you here. I am telling you to do whatever it is that I think will make you feel comfortable with me leaving and you staying".

It is important to remember in this situation and all of these blog entries, that Dr G is a manipulator. He runs games on every single person he has contact with. That is one of the things that kung fu men do. It is about misdirection and keeping the upper hand.

Dr G had a close relationship with both Jeff and Lonnie. While George and Steve were not really kung fu men, they could also be counted on to play along with any game that Dr G put forward.

What this meant for me was that, every single word that was said that day at that table could all have been lies and manipulation. I had no way of knowing. My suspicions at that time were full fledged that Dr G was actively trying to get rid of people in the group. Anything that was said by anybody in the group, could be part of a game to push any other person in the group out.

Dr G talked about how he was going to Sedona and he was wondering who was going to go with him. See, Dr G acted like when he went to Sedona, he was not abandoning the group. He talked like any member of the group that wanted to go to Sedona was free to accompany him to continue training.

That was manipulation.

Dr G was making thousands of dollars a month from the group for at least 2 1/2 years. He was making thousands of dollars a month from private consultations with group members. He was making further thousands of dollars a month in his outside Chinese medicine and Psychology practice.

All of that money meant Dr G could travel to China, New Mexico, Arizona, or anyplace else he chose to go. Dr G was basically free to live the life of a rich jet setter. He could pick up from where he was and go to Sedona, knowing that he had hundreds of thousands of dollars in the bank.

What about the group? Although many of the group members were upper class, we all paid him all that money, we all of course had jobs that made that money. What upper class person with a good job can just up and quit to move to Sedona, which is a small town in the middle of the desert with no job opportunities?

No one could. No one in the group could do that and Dr G knew that. That was all part of the game he was playing.

When Dr G asked who was going to Sedona with him, there was already one person that we knew about that was going with him. Dan was going to go to Sedona and help with setting things up. Of course if Dan went, that meant Dan's wife also was going to Sedona.

As Dr G was having sex with Dan's wife, it was pretty obvious that Dan and his wife did not care about their jobs or money. They only cared about keeping Dan's wife available for Dr G to have sex with.

Jeff was the first to say something I think. He said no he was not going to Arizona. Jeff was studying for his degree at UC Berkely, and he was still in training for Chinese medicine. He could not leave his studies.

Lonnie was doing his training for he chinese medicine degree so he could not go. Lonnie's wife also had a successful business. She would have had to give up her business to move to the middle of the desert with nothing for her to do.

Steve was not going to go because he also had job commitments, as did his wife. If Tom was there which I am not certain of, he would have no reason to go to Sedona. Tom was a millionaire that was only dabbling in the class. If he really wanted to, he could stay put where he was and fly to Sedona every weekend for class with Mike.

George could not go because he had a well paying job. George's wife also had a well paying job that would be foolish to leave. George also had children in a good school, and taking them to a small town in the middle of nowhere would have been bad for the children.

Then it was my turn. I knew I could not go. I was in college and my wife had a well paying job. But I wanted to go more than anything. After 2 1/2 years, I was still in poor health, and I still felt I was not learning what I wanted. I was still willing to go along with Dr G's game of "loyal people will be rewarded". I was willing to go to Sedona in the hopes that at some point Dr G would decide that he would treat my health problems, and he would really teach me Ba Gua.

I was sitting there and I was getting really angry. There were thoughts of unfairness and loss floating around in my mind. I got more disappointed and angry as the conversation went on. But in my head, I had hope. I honestly would consider quitting school to go to Sedona. My wife would stay her job while I went to try and get my health situation corrected and learn Ba Gua. I honestly was still thinking this right up until the last minute.

Then it was my turn to speak. I said no I could not go in the most disappointed and forced tone you can imagine. There was no doubt in anyone's mind I was bitter about having to stay and not being able to go to Sedona.

That decision really bothered me for a very long time. The resentment and unfairness of it stayed with me. I felt that all I wanted was to be in good health, and the world was conspiring against me to keep me weak and ill.

The story would seem to end at this point. Dr G asked us who was going to Sedona with him, and except for the cuckolded Dan, no one was going to Sedona. What more is there to say.

Oh. There is plenty more to say. Remember the title of the blog post? It says "controlled".
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The reason I was so angry, so disappinted, so bitter about the decision that I could not go to Sedona was because Dr G was controlling me. He was making certain that the words that came out of my mouth were "No I am not going to Sedona. I am staying here"

I don't know if I can put into words how wrong that is. A man who talks about integrity and morality, forcibly controls one of his students to make that student say something the student does not want to say.

To me that is evil. If that is not evil, I don't know what is.

How do I know Dr G was controlling me? The signs of course. Any human being who is being controlled by another human being will almost always experience and exhibit signs of that control.

I am very sensitive to being controlled. When someone tries to control me I get very very angry. I never knew why before because I did not have the words and concepts to understand what was happening. I only knew that with certain people and certain situations, I would become extremely angry for no good reason at all. The anger was all out of proportion to what was being said or what was happening.

For the curious reader, that is one of the signs of someone controlling you. If you feel you are doing something you would not normally do, and you feel like your body or your mind is fighting something, they really are. Someone is trying to control you against your will, and your body is instinctively putting up defenses.

A controlling person usually cannot control an angry person. The reason that Dr G successfully controlled me was because he was a 15 year kung fu man with very strong abilities.

Another sign of someone trying to control you against your will, is that your head will drop downwards, and/or your shoulders will go upwards. If you are talking to anybody, and you notice that for no reason at all your head begins to go down, or you find yourself staring at the ground, the person is probably controlling you.

Be cautious. If you are lazy, not thinking, stretching or many other things, your head will drop naturally. If you are talking to someone though, and you felt fine 5 minutes ago, you were full of energy and alert, and now, when you are talking to this person, you are so tired your head is drooping, they are probably controlling you.

A further sign of being controlled is that your mind will go blank or fuzzy. If you are talking to someone and you realize that you cannot remember what was said for the past 10 minutes, you were almost definitely controlled. If you find it very hard to concentrate on what is being said, and you felt fine a minute ago, you are probably being controlled.
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I personally feel it is completely wrong to control another human being. I cannot think of anything more wrong that forcing another person against their will to say something they would not say, to do something they would not do, to give you money they would not give you, to give you property they would not give you, to make you have sex with them when you would never have sex with them otherwise, or just to have fun with people by making them do embarrassing things.

Controlling other people is evil to me.

Dr G would tell you that controlling other people is the sign of a high level kung fu man. It is. Dr G would tell you that the superior man can go far by controlling others. They can. Dr G would justify controlling other human beings in a myriad of ways, because that is how he got rich, and that is why he has his choice of women for sex, including the wives of his students, and that is why he can beat any man he chooses.

You see. High level kung fu men do not punch and kick each other. High level kung fu men control each other. Whoever's power of control is greater, that is who wins.

How can you fight when you do not control your own body?

Lying Manipulators Part 2

2008-02-25T08:46:00.000-08:00

Here we go again. It is 2-8-08 and the last entry was 6-07. Someone is really not happy. ;)
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The last entry stopped where I described how Jeff was horrified that I had attended the Ba Gua meeting that was supposed to be a recruiting meeting for Ba Gua class. The entire group hoped I wouldn't attend, and they mentally manipulated me to try to stop me from attending.

I wanted Ba Gua so bad that I pushed aside their mental manipulation and attended the meeting anyways. The last blog entry ended with the Ba Gua group and the 3 new people so far finishing up with exercising. Then Jeff telling me he was ecstatic at seeing me at the meeting.

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After the exercises, everyone milled around as you might expect. Greetings were exchanged, comments about the beauty of the house and it's settings were made. Everyone inspected what had been brought for the pot luck and sampled some of what was there. It was some cooling off time after the exercises, and before the actual meeting started.

Some people wandered outside to look around. There were tours of the rooms of the house and more commenting on how beautiful it was. I recall sitting in a window seat for some time watching people. The window seat was one of the seats built right next to and under a window. The overgrowth outside had come up very close to the house and was growing wild. Sitting in the window seat made you feel like you were outside with nature, but you were still warm and protected inside of the house.

After some time had passed, it was decided no one else was going to arrive. Questions were asked about whether or not anyone was expecting more people. You have to put yourself in the mind of Jeff or Lonnie or the other Ba Gua guys making a big deal out of this meeting, to really understand the dynamics of it.

The plan had been to invite 4 or 5 people each. With all of the members of the Ba Gua men's group inviting 4 or 5 people, there would have been around 35 new people. That would have been a large crowd to deal with. I am certain it made Jeff or whoever nervous to think about dealing with a large crowd of people like that.

So here we are. We have finished exercising. We have introduced ourselves. We have inspected the house and the grounds.

And there are 3 new people there. Let me repeat that. For this huge momentous meeting to get new blood, something that Mike had pushed everyone into, there were 3 people there. 3 people to join the fantastic and world changing Ba Gua class of Mike.

I can tell you for a fact that those people were shamed. I am guessing the 3 people that did show up were also expecting a large crowd. I would guess they were told everyone was going to a big meeting to think about joining Ba Gua class. Then they get there, and here are 6 guys from the Ba Gua class, and the 3 of them.

How would you feel? What would you think? If I was one of those 3 men, I would have felt tricked. I would have felt lied to. I would have looked at the 6 people of the Ba Gua class, made my judgements on them, looked at myself and the 2 other new people, and concluded this was all some kind of joke. These Ba Gua people must be liars and losers.

When it is apparent no one else is coming, we all sit down to talk. Jeff gives a beginning kind of speech. I think each of us might have said something about why we joined Ba Gua and what it meant to us. Jeff talked about how Mike was the actual Ba Gua instructor, and how good an instructor he was. Jeff and all of us talked about how we were impressed by Mike.

One of the new people was brought by Daniel. The man whose wife Mike was adulterating with. That is a very important fact to keep in mind. It is not a salacious statement.

The new people were at some point invited to ask some questions or make some statements of their own. The man that Dan brought with him starts to speak and his first question is a bombshell.

The man looks right at Jeff and says "Are you Mike?". Jeff laughs nervously and says no. Then we all start laughing nervously. If you are perceptive, you know why we were laughing nervously.

By asking Jeff if he was Mike, this new man who was a guest in the house was really asking "Are you a liar? Are you really this Mike character you are inventing, and not Jeff?"

The mesage was loud and clear. The man that Dan brough thought something strange was going on, and he was asking questions about it. In a way, it was almost like Dan had brought his dad, and his dad was checking up on the group Dan was involved in.

It makes perfect sense when you know that Mike was having sex with Dan's wife.

Jeff then says "That was very good! I never thought of that! That would be a good one!". Jeff was shocked. He really was. For a chinese guy who never talked and always hid his emotions, he was really shocked.

Then Dan's friend goes on with more questions in the same kind of manner. Accusatory questions. Unfriendly questions. Testing questions. The questions were so aggressive and so impolite, that I eventually challenged him on it. I said something to the effect that I did not like his tone or what he was saying.

Of course everyone else immediately put me down. They were representing Ba Gua as a happy place to come and join. With me growling at this man implying nasty things about the Ba Gua group, it looked bad for the group as a whole.

This friend of Dan's had such an agenda, that the other two new people didn't even really talk. They were more young men, uncertain of themselves, who might have been bamboozled into joining the Ba Gua Group. Dan's friend was a man who knew exactly what he thought and exactly what he wanted.

The other two new guys basically watched Dan's friend quiz Jeff and the group about their relationships with Dan, and Dan's participation in the group.

It wasn't until a year or two later when I learned that Mike was having sex with Dan's wife, that I realized why the man was so harsh. That man must have been able to see from the relationship between Dan and his wife, that Dan's wife was having an affair. Dan's friend must have suspected the affair had something to do with the Ba Gua group he was in, since Dan's wife was alone with Mike everytime the women's class met.

I am convinced that the only reason Dan's friend attended the meeting, was to try and put the Ba Gua group on the spot, in order to help Dan see what he had gotten himself into. Maybe if Dan's friend was hard with the group, Dan's friend might either trick the group, or make them emotional enough to say something to wake Dan up to what was going on.

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After all of that of course, the meeting ended. When you have a meeting expecting to answer questions of people who want to join you, you feel powerful. They are coming to you to ask you for something.

When you get an interrogation by a man who clearly thinks that you are underhanded, untrustworthy and possible liars, the way life works, your energy crashes to the ground.

The meeting broke up, there was a lot of muttering and some half hearted food tasting, then everyone left. I am not kidding. It was that bad. Knowing that Dan's friend thought that all of us were liars and taking advantage of Dan, and as polite hosts we were supposed to smile in this man's face and act comfortable was not possible.

Don't get me wrong. No one was rude to the man. No one really got mad or upset. There were some commments along the line of "Can you believe he said that? Can you believe he thought that?". But mostly it was a lot of inward soul searching. A bunch of men with their heads down, wondering internally why Dan's friend thought they were bad people.

Needless to say, neither Dan's friend, or the other two men joined the Ba Gua group as a result of that meeting. It would be accurate to say the meeting was a spectacular failure.

I kind of wonder if maybe that was the beginning of the end of the Ba Gua group. Mike had pushed for new members, so he obviously wanted new people. He put us in charge of getting new people.

We were so pathetic we could only invite 3 people to listen to us, and of those 3, one of them was a hostile adversary who thought we were taking advantage of his friend Dan.

And Mike was taking advantage of his friend Dan. Dan's wife was a small, petite, child like looking woman who was attractive. Out of all of the women in the women's group, she was the prettiest.

It makes all the sense in the world that Mike chose her for sex. And being a Tai Chi master and a Ba Gua master, he could have sex with her so good that she would not leave until he told her to.

The one thing I always wondered was:

Did Dan's wife voluntarily have an affair with Mike? She was impressed with his authority, his money, or his physical strength, and she wanted it between her legs?

Or was she a loving, devoted and loyal wife to Dan, and Mike had to use his mental manipulation abilities to make her participate in an affair?

Lying manipulators

2007-11-08T12:05:00.000-08:00

Wow. Last post is 6-6-07. Looks like Mike is not happy huh? ;)

I related in previous posts about how I had been accepted as a Ba Gua student by Mike. I then talked about how now, years later, I realized that Mike wanted me to leave almost right after I joined. Mike could not ask me to leave directly, because he would look very bad. Mike was a doctor and a kung fu instructor. He had accepted me as a patient and as a student. How would it look if he asked me to go away?

Instead, Mike played tricks and games, and outright tried to possess me to make me leave. Mike had another student bring one of his friend to class as a new student. That friend then left a month later. The whole thing was rigged to make a point to me. A student could join, and leave right away. Mike hoped to possess me and make me leave after this scenario was played out in front of me. I wouldn't have it. I had health problems I knew without a doubt Mike could cure, if he chose to. I knew without a doubt that Ba Gua was a superior style of kung fu, and that Mike was a superior kind of kung fu man. There was no way I would ever voluntarily leave.

I have to laugh everytime I look back at these events. Mike trying to get me to leave over the years, and me refusing to leave. Part of the blame lies with Mike himself. When I joined, Mike told stories about how the dedicated kung fu man would persevere through anything. Mike talked about how the old kung fu teachers would test their students to determine their desire for kung fu. I ate all of this up and took all of it to heart. When Mike was rude to me or ignored me or neglected my kung fu instruction, I thought it was all part of a test to see if I really wanted Ba Gua.

When Mike tried to get rid of me, I thought every single instance was him testing me. I thought he was pushing me really hard, to see if I was a fly by night kind of person who only wanted kung fu for fun. If I was, when Mike pushed me, I would go away. It didn't work because I wanted to be healthy, and I wanted to learn Ba Gua, more than anything in the world.

That brings us up to the topic for today. This is another one of those posts that is chronologically out of order. I will have to organize all of this for the book later. ;(
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There had been very few new students over the 3 years I was there. Maybe 4 or 5. At some point I think Mike felt that new blood was needed. Everyone knew each other, and we were all stagnating. Something needed to be shaken up, and I wonder if Mike thought new blood would be the way to do it.

Like everything having to do with Mike, big plans were made. Serious discussion were held. It was decided there would be a big meeting were everyone would invite someone they felt would be a worthwhile admission to the group. Big as in thinking everyone might invite 4 or 5 people. That would be Steve, Jeff, George, Dan, Me, Lonnie, and Tom inviting 4 or 5 people which would make 35 or so people. A big gathering.

Tom volunteered the use of a vacation home he had that was close by. This sounded like a good idea to everyone so that was agreed upon. The meeting was going to be held on a weekend when everyone would be able to spend the hours required to meet new people and assess them as possible candidates for the group. It was also agreed people would bring some kind of food along. A pot luck kind of situation.

I was hesitant about the meeting. My health problems made it difficult for me to meet new people. I am an extremely perceptive person. Almost all people when they are talking, say one thing while they are thinking another. I can usually see what it is that people are thinking. It is very hard for me to deal with people, because they usually don't think the same things they are saying. I find myself thinking "Why are you telling me verbal lies? I can see your thoughts and your words do not match your thoughts at all". It is very hard for me to smile and be friendly to liars.

Everyone in the group was aware of my reticence. Maybe Mike or one of them brought it up, because it seems like there was some debate about me attending. Funny huh? I am a fellow student, I have been there 3 years, and they are debating whether I should go to this momentous meeting where new students will be judged and possibly brought into the group. I would have no say in any of this if I did not attend.

Everyone was going to drive themselves. I mention this because we all did a lot of carpooling. Lonnie, James and I all lived relatively close together, so we carpooled to many get togethers. No one was carpooling out to Tom's vacation house. This is relevant because it put a burden on me. I had an old beatup untrustworthy car, which was why I carpooled. There was a strong chance that I might not go to the meeting because I did not trust my car, or that the car would actually die on the 30 or 35 mile trip out to Tom's vacation home.

It wasn't until later that I realized that was the plan. To deny me certain transportation, and hope my transportation would break down.

The day of the meeting came and I was nervous. Meeting new people, judging them and assessing them as new students. It found myself wondering if I should go. Then I found myself wondering "What! did I just think?" I lived for Ba Gua. Where were thoughts of "should I go to the momentus Ba Gua meeting", coming from?

I spent some time wandering the house wondering if I should go or not. If you have ever had a car break down, you know why I was hesitant. The thought of being stranded 30 miles from home with a broken down car, on a day I was supposed to be participating in a momentous meeting for Ba Gua was awful. I paced back and forth wondering if I should go.

But my heart new exactly what it wanted. After pacing back and forth and wondering, I grabbed the keys and headed out to the junk car. I was a Ba Gua man, and I was not going to let a junk car prevent me from attending an important meeting with my Ba Gua classmates, and I was not going to let my instructor Mike down by not attending the meeting.

By the time all of this had taken place, I was late. The junk car was slow as well as junk, and the road out to the vacation home was a windy twisting country road. The big junker station wagon chugging out to the vacation house around those curving country roads was a trial all in itself. Wondering if the car would stay together or the engine would die. Wondering if I was going to make the meeting on time or not. Wondering if I had the directions right. I was really on edge.

Then, there it was. The vacation house. It wasn't a vacation house, it was a house in it's own right. It was so beautiful it is hard to describe. The house was located out in the woods. The woods had been allowed to grow so the house seemed surrounded and covered by the greenery. There was a relatively large gravel or dirt parking area. I knew I was at the right spot because I recognized some of the cars. Boy was I relieved. I found the house, the junk car made it, and I was only a few minutes late.

There was something kind of odd though. I only noticed enough cars for the Ba Gua class, and a few others. I expected a parking lot because everyone was supposed to be bringing 4 or 5 people.

I walked into the house and it was just as beautiful as the outside. It had this incredible feeling of peacefulness. There was an area where everyone had dropped their coats and stuff, but no one was around. The meeting had already started. Oh no!

I think Tom must have been greeting people, because I went back into the house into another room. Everyone was in the room performing the warm up exercises. I walked in and everyone might have nodded acknowledgement at me. Everyone stayed quiet and continued with the exercises.

That is when another bit of weirdness hit me. There was maybe three new people in the room. There was the Ba Gua class, and three strangers. Where were the 35 people that were supposed to come? I thought to myself they must be late. It was a long drive and sort of hard to find the house.

We all complete the warm up exercises, and move back into the house. Pleasantries are exchanged among everyone. I said something about how I was sorry I was late and the junk car. Then something happened that I remember as if it was yesterday.

Jeff looked at me and said "I was so glad when I say you walk in. I was like "Yeah, jalon is here!".

My alarm bells went off on full volume. Jeff didn't talk much. He was a serious kind of chinese guy who didn't say much. Jeff was hardly ever happy about anything. He may be acting like he was happy, but it was an act that doctors are trained to put on.

What the heck was going on with Jeff telling me he was glad to see me? So glad he had a big white guy smile on his face? So glad he looked like he wanted to jump at me and hug me?

I couldn't figure it out. It made no sense to me at the time. I wrote it off to nervousness. Jeff was in charge of the meeting. Mike was not going to attend because it was supposed to be about the men's group gaining new members. It was not supposed to be about Mike taking on new students.

It wasn't until years later, like most of the other things in this blog, that I understood what was going on.

My hesitancy at attending the meeting? That was Jeff or Mike. Jeff or Mike were mentally controlling me to stop me from attending the meeting. They really didn't want me to attend, because they really did think I was some kind of embarrassment. They really thought I would put a bad face on the Ba Gua group, which would have some kind of negative impact on the prospective new members.

The only reason I could beat their mental control and attend the meeting, was because I wanted it in my heart. I wanted more than anything in the world to learn Ba Gua, to become a strong Ba Gua man, and to be a part of the Ba Gua group. No matter how much they tried to control my mind, they could not control my heart.

The thing that bothered me about Jeff saying he was glad to see me? Jeff was lying. That was how a kung fu man covers up their true thoughts and actions.

Jeff was not happy I was there. I am guessing they all must have talked among themselves about how I would be a bad influence on the prospective students. When Jeff saw me, he felt unhappy. So, as a kung fu man, he did the exact opposite of what he felt. He told me he was happy to see me. He was giddy with joy at the fact that I had made it to the meeting.

Jeff was lying to my face. I had been in class for 3 years, Jeff and the others thought I was an embarrassment, and Jeff was lying to my face. You can't imagine the feeling of betrayal writing those words generates. My stomach is sinking right this instant. I idolized and trusted those men. And to think they had those feeling about me, and would manipulate me without a thought, is awful.

Mike was always talking about dignity, integrity and honor. Where is the honor in using your ability to manipulate the minds of others, to try to make a student who feels loyalty to you stay away? Where is the dignity in taking advantage of those weaker than you? Where is the integrity of lying to someones face about how glad you are to see them, when you are really thinking you cannot think of a worse disaster that could have happened?

How can they call themselves moral? Or say they aspire to higher morality than "common people". They are liars and manipulators just like those "common people" they think they are better than.

I am so devastated at thinking about how I trusted Jeff and thought he was a good guy, and looking his betrayal in the face by writing it down now, that the rest of this incident will be dealt with in future blog entries.

If you are a kung fu man, you want to take one thing with you from this post. If you find yourself thinking something that is not you, it probably isn't. It is probably your kung fu instructor, or one of your kung fu classmates, who is walking around in your mind thinking for you.

This blog is a stream of conscious for a book

2007-06-06T08:38:00.000-07:00

I happened across some comments on the blog on the internet by accident. The comments made me consider the chaotic nature of the posts in the blog, and how that might affect readers.

This blog was originally started as a dumping ground for my memories of my time in class. At some point in time when I felt that most of what I wanted to write down had been recorded, I then planned to go through everything and organize it into a book.

I felt it was necessary to state this for any person who simply stumbles across the blog and begins reading it.

This blog is not meant as a completely accurate linear recreation of my time in class. The entries jump back and forth across a 3 year time period. The entries are usually not connected to each other. I think about some incident and record it.

If you are looking for entertainment or insight into Ba Gua, this is perhaps not the best place to find it. This blog represents random thoughts that pop into my head for whatever reason at whatever time. That can be very frustrating for a person looking for order and organization.

Crazy Liars. Why?

2007-05-25T11:08:00.000-07:00

At some point in class, Mike taught a spear form. The spear was really long, 10 feet or something like that. It was made of bamboo so it was springy and flexible. I enjoyed learning the form because it had a martial feel to it. We all bought spears so we could practice with them. They were relatively inexpensive since they were just bamboo with a cheap, dull metal spear head on them.

I would go down to the park to practice. I lived near a beautiful large park. It was so large that it was easy to find a secluded spot to practice. The park was covered with paths and access roads also. The paths and access roads were nice because they were flat. Sometimes I would practice in on the grass somewhere, and sometimes I would practice on a path or a road.

Depending on the time of day, the park would be almost deserted. Early in the moring, or at lunch time, or after work, there would be more traffic as people went to the part to exercise. At most other times though, it was deserted. I loved it because I could practice as much as I wanted in complete solitude, surrounded by the beautiful forest.

One day I decided I would practice in one of the access roads. What I would usually do is go to a grass spot I liked. There was an access road right next to it. If it was a quiet day, I would use the access road, then maybe move back over to the grass if people were coming. That day was quiet so I was in the access road.

The form was quite involved. It might take 15 minutes to complete. It was necessary to travel back and forth, spin around, shake the pole and generally take up a fairly large amount of space. Especially as the swinging 10 foot pole covered a lot of area.

I am doing part of the form moving forward when I hear a woman's voice. Some woman is walking her dog and she has approached along the access road behind me.

The woman is shouting at me to get out of the way. She sounds rude or angry or maybe even hysterical. Her attitude was obnoxious.

There was no reason for me to move. The access road was probably 20 feet wide. On either side of the road were the grassy areas I described earlier. One one side the grassy area was proably 50 feet wide. On the other side, the grassy area might have been 100 feet from the access road to the trees. If the woman had some problem or the other, all she had to do was walk around me.

The woman continued to yell at me telling me to stop what I was doing and get out of the way. Her demands were so outrageous I of course ignored them. Besides, I was in the middle of doing the form. Once you start a form, you are not supposed to stop for anything. I thought it was good practice to continue doing the spear form with a screaming crazy woman behind me.

When it became obvious I was not going to stop, the lady went ahead and walked by me, yelling the entire time. Our city has a lot of homeless people that are always walking around yelling. This lady was not homeless, but she was acting like a yelling homeless crazy, so it was easy for me to ignore her.

I might even have told her to shut up and go away. She was that obnoxious. It was mind boggling from my perspective to be surrounded by 150 feet of grassy area that gave the woman large amounts of room to avoid me, but instead she came right at me, and demanded that I give way to her. The woman was obviously having some kind of bad time and she was looking for a fight.
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The woman walks by as I continue to practice the spear form. She disappeared down the access road and I worked on returning to a calm state of mind so I was practicing the way I should be.

I do another 3 or 4 sets of the form. I did some certain number of repetitions I do not remember. Maybe 10 since that sounds like a round number. I am in the middle of doing the next set when a police car appears on the access road from the direction the lady disappeared.

That was weird. I went to that park every day to practice for months and years. I never saw a police car down there before.

I didn't think any more of it and kept practicing. As I said, the access road and surrounding area were large. I moved over to the side of the access road a little as I was perform the set so the police car could drive by.

The police car gets up close to me and he stops. I am expecting trouble of course. I have never seen a police car there in all the years I have been there and there is a police car. I thought he was probably going to give me trouble for practicing with the spear.

I was all ready for him. Where I live there is a large community of people who practice martial arts. You can find people all over the park and all over the city practicing empty handed, with spears, with staffs, with swords or anything else you can think of. I was fully prepared to tell the police man all of this if he was going to harass me.

Instead, the police officer says "We had a report there were homeless people fighting down here. Have you seen anything?".

That made no sense to me at all. I had been there for an hour or so and I did not hear a thing. I had not seen anybody besides maybe a jogger, a bicyclist and that screaming lady. I said no I had not seen any homeless people fighting.

Then I look up and what do I see? Another police car coming down from the same direction as the other one. Then it hit me.

That crazy lady went home and called the police on me because I would not do what she told me to!!!!

The police had made up the excuse about homeless people because they knew that it was completely normal for a person to be practicing martial arts in the park. I was calm and collected. I did not run away or look guilty. I was just a regular person.

I am guessing that the crazy lady called the police and told them a dangerous man swinging a weapon around had bothered her in the park. Why else would two police cars come?

The policeman drove away, then his buddy drove by also in the other car. They disappeared down the access road without stopping anywhere else or asking anyone else any questions about homeless people fighting.
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I was looking forward to the next Ba Gua class. I wanted to tell the guys how I was out practicing like a respectable kung fu man, and some crazy lady had called the police on me. I went to the next class and did exactly that. I described everything I did above to the guys at Ba Gua class.

I expected them to be as outraged as I was at some crazy lady causing a respectable kung fu man trouble. I expected them to commiserate with me about how wrong it was for me to have to deal with a policeman when I was a good upstanding kung fu man.

That was not what they did at all. They began to question my conclusions!

"How do you know the lady called the police?" they asked me. Of course I did not "Know". I would have had to follow her home and watch the phone call.

"The police probably were really looking for homeless people fighting". I was there for an hour. I never heard a sound or saw any homeless people at all.

"You are probabaly wrong in accusing that lady of calling the police". WHAT! Here I am thinking these men are my friends, my fellow kung fu students, and they are questioning everything I saw and every conclusion I reached.

What the heck was wrong with them? Are they crazy?

I was mad. I could not believe they reacted like that. When I realized they were not going to side with me, they were going to continue to cast doubts on every word I said, I stopped talking and gave up.

What was the point in talking to crazies? People who thought they had a better idea of what happened, even though they were not there?
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It took me years to figure out what was going on. They were manipulating me. I was angry or upset or something about the incident. They asked me all those questions so that I would doubt myself. If I doubted myself, I would no longer be upset.

To them, it did not matter what the event was or if I was right or wrong. Their only concern was to say anything to me, no matter how crazy or how much of a lie it was, so that I would calm down and lose the emotion associated with the event.

You readers need to be aware of this technique. That was not just some random conversation they had with me. They used a technique to control and manipulate me.

This same technique is used by guilty people to escape responsibility. You might catch a murderer with the knife in his hand. Using this technique, he will say to yo "Did you SEE me stab the person". You of course say no because you did not see the actual stabbing. You walked up afterwards.

Using the technique, the guilty person will continue pounding away, "Did you SEE me stab the person". They create doubt in the target, who will eventually give up on the accusation.

It sounds crazy. The person is standing there with a bloody knife in their hand. But someone like that really can, through force of will and insisting on lies, convince some people that he did not commit the murder.

Or you can use the technique to convince someone that some event that has them emotionally charged never really happened, or happened in some other way that is not worth getting emotionally charged up.
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After that incident, I think I took 5 steps back from everyone. Here I am thinking they are my friends who will agree with me that I was wronged. Instead, they are crazy liars telling me lies and trying to get me to doubt the own processes of my brain, just so they can practice some mind control manipulation technique on me.

Sometimes I really think those guys were scum. ;)

Lonnie and George

2007-05-09T08:13:00.000-07:00

Years back I came across a website by the group. As I perused the site, I had the feeling it was run by the group alone. I don't think Mike was around. The site had a friendly feel to it. As if it was run by regular people who were advertising and looking to reach out to others.

Part of the site that made me think it was run by the group and the part of the site that gave me a friendly feeling was the photo section. There were some photos of people demonstrating Yin Fu Ba Gua.

Later on, 1 or 2 or more years, I went back to the site and it had changed. It had a professional and cold feel to it. Interestingly to me, the photo section was gone.

To me that meant one thing and one thing only. Mike was back in the picture. ;) Mike had made an appearance and taken control of the group or the website. Mike's natural paranoia, reticence and secretive nature would demand that anything that was real information about the group or about Ba Gua would have to be hidden.

The website now is a sterile, cold, uninviting place that is rarely even updated. Also interesting to me was that before, there was an address for a school where lessons were given. After Mike showed up, the address was removed. Now it is necessary to call to find out where the school is.

More of Mike. More checking and controlling. He has to control who he allows to come to the class. Instead of being friendly people who want interested parties to come and meet them, now it is an exclusive club where, only if your shit does not stink, are you even allowed to go to the school to view a class.

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My harsh language in that last sentence is motivated in part by writing this blog. As I have written down more and more of what happened, Mike's true nature has been hard to ignore.

As a student, I heard what I wanted to hear. Dignity, Loyalty, Pride, Family Style. All good things that make a person feel good and are considered good by human culture at large.

Mike was about hiding, secretiveness, lying, paranoia, tricking, controlling, manipulating.......all things that are considered negative by most individuals and most human cultures.

Mike would tell you that all of it was for good. He manipulated to help people. He controlled to help people. He lied to help people. That is possible I suppose. Telling white lies, leading people to do what is best for them could all be construed as good acts.

What I saw though was manipulation and lies for selfish ends. Manipulation and lies for money, sex, and control of a group of individuals.

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Hmmmmmmmm. This post changed quite a bit from my original intent. My original intent was to post this photo.

This is Lonnie and George demonstrating a Ba Gua stance. Lonnie is on the left, George is on the right.

This photograph is very illuminating for those of you that are observant and have keen minds. Some of the goals of Yin Fu Ba Gua can be seen in the stance. Some of the effects on the body of Yin Fu Ba Gua can be seen in Lonnie and George. It is possible to tell who is more skilled and who is less skilled by looking at the photo without knowing anything at all about the two men.

If you don't care, that is fine. If you want to be a ring fighter that gets paid to let other people try to hurt you, then do what is good for you.

But if you are a kung fu man who wants to be a scholar warrior, a man who knows physical kung fu and wants to practice it for health and strength, but you are more interested with elevating your mind and living the life of a moral and proper human being than with fighting or doing bad things, then study that picture. Save it and look at it every 6 months or so. It will teach you something.

I am going on vacation. And you are still going to pay me

2007-05-08T10:40:00.000-07:00

At some point in the second year I think it was, Mike announced he was going on vacation. He was going to travel back to Hong Kong to go see Gong Bao Zhai. He was going to be gone for 2 weeks or a month. I think it was probably a month.

That was unwelcome news of course. We all liked the class, and Mike was the instructor of the class. If the instructor was gone, there was not really a class. During the announcement, it was stated that classes would continue for those that were interested.

Of course I was going to keep going to class. I was dedicated. For me, the Ba Gua class was a class where I received instruction in Ba Gua and other things, but it was also an informal group of men. We were all older men who shared common goals and interests. For me, the group was not really about an older guy controlling a bunch of younger guys as would be usual in a martial arts class. Especially since Mike and I were close to the same age.

Mike departed for his vacation and the Ba Gua classes continued. Some people came and some people did not. For me it was interesting because it was an opportunity to see who was dedicated to martial arts, and who as a brown noser their to follow Mike in a personality cult kind of way. I was not surprised to see that many of the women did not come to class while Mike was on vacation. I think most of the men continued to attend.

One of the classes would have been the usual day to pay Mike for class. I believe I have related how Mike asked everyone to put their money into an envelope. The envelopes would then be collected by a third party and given to Mike, or they would be dropped in Mike's bag.

Mike would not allow anyone to give him money directly.

People were putting their envelopes in the collection bag. I didn't. I didn't plan on paying for class that month. Mike was on vacation for a month. I paid Mike for instruction in Ba Gua. The meetings with the other students only were, for me, just like the tuesday men's meetings. A voluntary meeting of the men for their own benefit.

When it became apparent I was not going to be paying, I think Jeff said something. Maybe it was "Do you have an envelope before the bag is closed up?". I explained how I felt. Mike was gone, we were all friends getting together, why was I paying for a class?

Wow! You should have felt the attitude. Rejection and censure. I didn't care. I thought they were sheep. Why would you pay someone to go on vacation? Why pay for something you were not receiving? If the rest of them were rich and voluntarily wanted to pay Mike, that was their choice. For me, money was very tight. I was frugal to the point of miserliness because I had to be. Paying for nothing went against my entire lifestyle.

Mike returns from his vacation. We are at the first class since his return. Everyone is glad he is back, there are big smiles all around. Mike talks some about his trip to Hong Kong and what happened.

I could be wrong, but I think he said it publically. I think he publically in the group mentioned that some people did not pay tuition. He said he felt that paying the tuition was a gesture of goodwill and faith. Even though Mike was not their to instruct, paying the money showed that you respected Mike and were being respectful of the group.

I felt the speech was obviously directed at me in an attempt to shame me into paying. I wasn't ashamed. I could care less. Especially since he was trying to publically shame me. I shrugged my shoulders and ignored him.

I don't think I ever did pay him. In spite of his pressure, and pressure from the others. You bet George, Lonnie and Jeff all sidled over to give their opinion about how disrespectful it was not to pay Mike.

I think that was one of those turning points that I missed. One of those events where Mike's willingness to teach me dissappated. He knew that he could control me so far, but no farther. No matter what coercion he or the others inflicted on me, I would still do what I wanted to do.

Mike wanted robots. People that unquestioningly obeyed him. People that would be clone Mike's.

Ed Burke visit - addendum

2007-05-05T04:18:00.000-07:00

There was a big post about the visit of Ed Burke, Mike's fellow Tai Chi student awhile back. Refer back to it if you are interested in what was said.

There was something else needed to be added to the entry to complete the picture of the people involved and the visit.

Mike was sneaky, dishonest and manipulative. That is odd because he always talked in class about dignity, pride and family. Before we actually met Ed Burke the day he came to visit, George came over to give us a message from Mike.

As in Mike kept Ed occupied, while George moseyed over and spoke to us real casual like.

It may have been discussed before George moseyed over and George was coming by to remind us of the message. Or it may have been the first time the message was delivered.

The message was "Don't tell Ed Burke we do Tai Chi".

Just writing that down makes me shrug my shoulders and spread my hands in confusion. Why would Mike tell us not to tell his fellow Tai Chi student, Ed Burke, who had travelled across the country to visit Mike, that we practiced Tai Chi?

Not only was it a false and dishonest statement to make coming from a man always pushing dignity and pride, but to treat a man who had travelled across the country to visit Mike and was described as a friend with dishonesty......it boggled my mind.

There was only one reason that I could think of that Mike would not want Ed to know that we practiced Tai Chi.

Shame.

As I have previously described, Mike never worked with the men on Tai Chi. We all did the Tai Chi form during the entire group practice at the beginning of class. That was it. Mike would spend a lot of time teaching the women Tai Chi, and basically refused to teach us or to answer questions.

I never questioned it at the time, but now, combined with describing how he was dishonest with Ed, I think Mike must have been hiding his Tai Chi from his own students. With the women, Mike would not feel threatened. He knew the power of the penis would keep them in line.

But if he taught the men the real Tai Chi that he knew, they might be competition for him. It is all so cave man like as to be repulsive and embarrassing.

Mike's attitude of course rubbed off on the sycophants. If one of the newer students asked Lonnie or Jeff about Tai Chi, they would almost always be patronized, or receive some kind of brush off.

Maybe it was just me that received that type of behavior? I was the only one being excluded? I don't think so. Neither George, Steve, James, Daniel, Tom, Arol or Tim ever showed anything that looked like Tai Chi skill. They might be able to verbally lie to my face, but they could not hide their bodies from me. None of them had any real Tai Chi skill.

Lonnie and Jeff on the other hand both knew the Tai Chi form well. Lonnie had practiced Tai Chi before he met Jeff so he had basic knowledge of the form that he could add Mike's lessons to. Jeff of course received everything as he did in Ba Gua as the favored student and as the man most able to properly perform Tai Chi or Ba Gua.

.....

As you might imagine, if any of us other than Jeff or Lonnie were to do the Tai Chi form, we would have looked very bad. If we had put on a bad performance in front of Ed Burke, the Ed would look at Mike with questioning eyes?

Was Mike a terrible teacher and he had terrible students? Was Mike a decision maker and chose students who were not very good? Were all of Mike's students fakers? People pretending to be able to do Tai Chi, but really doing not much more than aerobics by waving their arms in the air?

That is the only explanation I can think of for Mike to ask us to lie to his friend Ed Burke. To ask us to hide the fact that Mike claimed to be teaching us Tai Chi.

Mike knew that none of us could do Tai Chi and he did not want Ed to see it. And maybe, just maybe, so we would not see Ed's reaction ourselves.

What would we do if we realized that Ed thought our Tai Chi was terrible? Would we then go to Mike and express our dissatisfaction with him? It is impossible to hide reactions like that. If Ed thought we were clowns performing Tai Chi, all of us would have been able to see that in his body language.

Hmmmmmmmm. I was always certain Mike had us lie to Ed because he did not want to be shamed by our poor performance. Now I wonder if there is the equal possibility that Mike had us lie to Ed so Ed would not let us know that our Tai Chi was awful.

We all thought we were doing OK. ;)

What a wuss Daniel is! ;)

2007-05-05T03:43:00.000-07:00

One of the Men's meetings was going to be held at Daniels house for some reason or the other. It had never happened before. I think the reason was because of the location. Most of the group lived clustered around a city. Daniel lived 20 or 30 miles away in a direction that no one else lived. It was not convenient for most of the group to get there.

Lonnie and I drove down together which was a story in itself. I called Lonnie and he asked who was driving. I told him he should come by my house and meet me, thinking we would take his car. He had a small, fuel efficient and trustworthy car, while my car was old, a gas guzzler, and you always wondered if you would make your destination or not.

I walk up to the prearranged meeting spot which was probably 8 blocks or so from my house. Who do I see but Lonnie standing on the corner. He thought I was driving, and he had parked his car somewhere and was standing there on the corner waiting for me. We took Lonnie's car since it was right there and we would have had to drive back to my house to change car's.

We arrive at Daniel's place which turns out to be a condominium. It is one of those places where all the units are attached and share common walls. It was kind of secluded, but not in a nice way. It was not secluded behind trees and greenery as if it was exclusive. From what I recall, it was secluded as if it was out in some industrial area, or perhaps the first units on a large open expanse of land. It felt desolate.

We go inside and the place is about as you would expect a condominium to be. Smallish, but nice. I think it had sliding glass doors to go into the back. It had 4 or 5 rooms and it was on the ground floor. There was a living room, kitchen, bathroom, bedroom and at least one other room that was a study or workroom for Daniel. The meeting was going to be held there.

I think when we arrived George and Jeff might have been there. I know Jeff was there.

We entered the study room which was actually smallish for 4 grown men to be occupying. Daniel had some toy like musical instruments that were either in that room, or he brought them into the room. There was small xylophone I think, and I think a small drum. Small as in 8 inches high or so.

We are having some fun and playing these miniature instruments as we wait for the others to arrive. We were playing both instruments and enjoying ourselves. I don't know how loud that might have sounded, but it could not have been that loud. The drum was only 8 inches or so high and the xylophone or keyboard was small to.

You know what? Daniel was musical which was why these instruments were available. There were not decorative as in artwork decorative. Daniel played the guitar so he had real musical interest in the xylophone and / or drum.

There is a knocking at the door. I think I was free because Jeff and Daniel were playing the instruments. I got up to go answer the door, expecting it to be George or Steve or Tom arriving for the meeting.

I answer the door and there is a woman standing there. She is probably in her late 20's or early 30's. She asks if she can speak to Daniel. I had a momentary bit of confusion as I wondered what she was doing there, when I was expecting one of the men, but I did not think too much about it.

I went back and told Daniel he had a visitor, and sat down. Now that Daniel was gone, I would get a chance at some noise making. We all sat there unconcernedly playing around with the instruments.

Then Daniel comes back and tells us that was his neighbor. The woman was Daniel's upstairs neighbor, and she wanted him to stop making noise. I was shocked and outraged. The musical instruments were really small. The noise they made could not have been that loud. It did not seem loud to me in the room.

To think that the lady could hear it upstairs and be annoyed by it made me think she was only being trouble. A complainer trying to control others. The time was maybe 8 or so. It was not as if it was 12 o clock at night and there was a raucous party going on. We were serious men having a bit of fun before our serious meeting started.

I voiced my opinion. I said I thought she was a complainer and should be ignored. That brings a smile to my face now when I think of how the other men must have thought of me. I was being myself and and I honestly felt what I said. They were all very reticent and all very......confrontation avoiding. If there was a confrontation, no matter if they were 100% right, they would back up instead of dealing with the confrontation.

I think my confrontational attitude must have made them feel as if I did not belong. I did not back up like they did. In there eyes, I was probably on the obnoxious side. ;)

After Daniel relates what the woman said, he suggests we need to stop which is when I made clear my opinion we should go right ahead at 8 oclock in the evening and do what we pleased in the privacy of Daniel's home. I don't think this appealed to Daniel. Part of his personality as being a public relations person was to always give people what they wanted. Even if it inconvenienced him.

Daniel wanted to stop, and of course Jeff and Lonnie supported him. I thought it was foolish. Once you allow someone like that woman to control you or an aspect of your behavior, you will be forever changed.

Daniel was allowing a total stranger to control his behavior in the privacy of his own home. Daniel paid big money to live in a fancy condominium, yet he was not allowed to do the things that pleased him in his own home.

Those kinds of incidents and attitudes settle into the mind and stick. They change who you are. In my opinion, it was another event that was training Daniel to be a marshmallow that let anyone get away with anything.

Even to the point of allowing his friend and kung fu master to have sex with his wife.

Don't want to complain. Don't want to make waves. ;(

Daniel's testing

2007-05-05T03:16:00.000-07:00

This post is not really Ba Gua related. It is more of a life lesson kind of post, and it also offers insight into the Asian mindset.

Daniel worked in some kind of convention job. I believe that he set up displays for products at conventions. He would travel around as part of his job so occasionally he would miss class because he was out of state.

At some point in time Daniel came in contact with some Japanese people. I cannot recall if he set up a convention display for Japanese people or products in the USA, or if he went to Japan and did it.

Daniel returned from this job happy. He was smiling and animated as he described his work and interaction with the Japanese people. What he was really excited about was that the Japanese people liked him. They wanted to do further business with him.

I can imagine how special that must have made Daniel feel. Daniel was youngish. He looked and acted youngish. For a corporation or a group of people to single him out and make him feel special must have been intoxicating.

From the Japanese perspective, Daniel was white, he was young so he was impressionable, he was outgoing and friendly, he was a people person. Daniel would have been a good person to work in Public Relations. He would be a worthwhile asset to a business or corporation.

At some point in time Daniel said the Japanese wanted him to fly to Japan. Because of this, I am thinking he must have first met the Japanese in the USA. Daniel was bursting as he talked about how they were paying for everything. How they wanted him to go to Japan and participate in something or other for some period of time, perhaps a week or a weekend, while they covered all of the costs.

For a corporation, that money is nothing. A tax writeoff. Something corporate types accept as part of their lifestyle. For Daniel, having everything paid for, and most of it being top of the line in accomodations or business class, he must have felt godlike.

Daniel returned from Japan and it was even better than he had hoped. He had enjoyed the entire trip. The Japanese people all seemed to have loved him. Most of all they were going to have him come back for all of that special treatment again!

I was impressed. I have never flown to Japan before. I think it would be a special place. I think it would be quite an experience to interact with Japanese people in their own country.

Daniel and I were discussing one of the parties he had attended when he said "and something weird happened".

Daniel said he had been at one of the fancy parties speaking to people when he mentioned that he spoke German. Everyone was impressed and reacted as you imagine they might. Making appreciative comments for an intellectual attainment that required perseverance and hard work.

Daniel then said that there was another party or meeting the next day, and during this meeting one of the Japanese men there began to speak German to Daniel. Daniel wondered at the coincidence of telling the Japanese he spoke German, and then the next day a German speaking Japanese comes to the meeting and begins speaking to Daniel.

Even Daniel wasn't that slow. He said to me "I wonder if they were testing me?"

Of course they were testing him. Daniel had stated that he spoke German. From the perspective of the Japanese, or the perspective of a prospective employer, they would want to know if he really did speak German. If Daniel did speak German, they would test has ability to speak German. If he did not speak German, Daniel would be exposed as a man who made false claims. A man who was not suitable for employment.

When Daniel said this I remember thinking how naive he was. Actually I was less charitable than that. I wondered if he was blind or stupid. ;) There are no coincidences. Things like that never happen by accident.

For me it was a reaffirmation of my admiration for Japanese people. I have always admired Japanese culture. To hear this first hand account of how they subtly tested Daniel's claim of speaking German was affirmation that the Japanese were a special kind of people in my opinion.

In contrast, I could see a people who were more blatant about thinks point blanking asking Daniel to speak German to "prove he could speak German". Or maybe asking him to report somewhere where he could "be tested for his ability in German". Both aggressive, rude and uncaring ways of testing Daniel, when compared to the smoothness of a guest at a relaxing party "happening to speak German" and testing Daniel in that relaxed, courteous and polite atmosphere.

Daniel's tragedy

2007-05-01T13:49:00.000-07:00

As stated in the previous post, at the end, Mike decided he was going to leave town and move to another state. The group would end and that was that. It was a hard situation. Mike had talked for years about unity, family, etc. Now here he was saying he was leaving and see you later everyone.

Everyone was asked what their intentions were. It was talked about that people could leave town with Mike and go to the new location to start a new group there. I was very bitter about this because I felt Mike had finally found a way to get rid of me. ;) I was going to college at the time and there was no way I could quit and follow a guy to a new state just to learn kung fu.

I recall the meeting where everyone was asked there intentions. One by one everyone said no, they had obligations that meant the were staying. When it was my turn, I am embarrassed to say my bitterness was obvious as I practically spit out my answer that I would have to stay also and be left behind. That is how I viewed the situation.

Then it came to be Daniel's turn. Daniel announced that he and his wife were both going to leave with Mike and go form the new group. That was an astounding announcement to me. Daniel had a well paying job, his wife had an apparently even better paying job. The idea they would both give up that money and lifestyle to move somewhere and start again, just to learn kung fu from some guy was mind boggling.

The end came and Mike left. Daniel and his wife went with him. We continued with the Ba Gua classes on our own, with Jeff or Lonnie as the leader for the men's group.

One day I get a call from Steve. This was unusual because I did not have much contact with people from the group on an individual basis. I was not friends with anyone like I would call them to go over for a beer.

We begin to talk, then Steve blurts out to me that he heard that Mike has been sleeping with Daniel's wife. I was stunned! After Mike made such a big deal about separating the men's and women's group, he was sleeping with one of the women? And after talking about loyalty and dignity and family, he was screwing one of the students wives?

I could not imagine what it must have been like for Daniel. He quits his job to follow his wife, who is following the man that is screwing her. Daniel is looking up to this man as a master or teacher or something. This man is playing Daniel for a fool while he diddles Daniel's wife.

After the conversation was over, I was thinking how shocking it all was when I remembered what my wife had said.

"She will never make it"

What my wife meant was that she could tell that Mike had been working over Daniel's wife. Not only was he screwing her, he was mind controlling her. That is why her pupils were so dilated. That is a sign of getting zapped by energy. When you are zapped by high level energy, you will do just about anything for the person who is zapping you.

Including throwing your legs up into the air.

The first inkling of tragedy for Daniel

2007-05-01T13:36:00.000-07:00

The first inkling I had of the tragedy in store for Daniel came in the 3rd year I was with Mike. It was time for the yearly banquet where the group and it's family members got together for a dinner. People were allowed to invite friends to get a taste of what the Ba Gua group was like.

I will have plenty to say about this dinner later on. ;)

The dinner was held at a church in the town where Mike lived. It was a smallish small town church. Nothing grand or fancy. It was like the rest of the town, surrounded by trees and greenery.

This was set to be a tramatic event for me. I felt confident enough to attend the dinner and to bring my wife. I had avoided the earlier dinners. I had also kept my involvement in Ba Gua mostly separate from my private life. My wife was just not a person interested at all in kung fu or anything like it.

I arrived early to help with sitting up the church. My wife was scheduled to arrive later with Lonnie's wife.

People began arriving and the party began. People being introduced and meeting each other. Mingling and gathering to form groups. At some point Lonnie's wife and my wife arrived. My wife and I got together and began to move around talking to people.

Then the fateful moment arrived. It is so intriguing how these events take place. It felt like there was a wide empty space around my wife and I. It also felt like one of those moments where everything is quiet and you are in your own little piece of the world.

Daniel's wife was approaching us.

Daniel's wife was a doll. She was smallish with curly brown or blondish hair. She had a moon like face and was small limbed. She really looked like a doll. What was most striking to me was her eyes. She had beautiful green eyes. I had never really met her or spoken to her before because of the separation of the men's and women's group.

We exchanged some small talk and I noticed the oddest thing. The pupils of Daniel's wife's eyes were huge. They looked like those large pupils that are painted on dolls. I want to say they looked twice normal size. They seemed to fill her eyes from top to bottom.

I think there was some talk, from my direction, about Carol joining the group. I felt immediate resistance on the part of both women. I didn't know why. Then we said our goodbyes and parted.

When this dinner took place, Mike had publically been making plans to leave the city and move somewhere else. He was closing down the group and the lessons and going elsewhere.

As Daniel's wife walked away, my wife said "She is never going to make it". I asked here what she meant, but she would not tell me. Little did I know that my wife had many of the same abilities as Mike did. ;)

That was my first inking that Daniel was headed for trouble. What exactly did my wife mean when she said Daniel's wife "would never make it", if Mike closed down the group and left town?

Mike taught Daniel something he didn't teach me! Son of Bitch!

2007-05-01T10:12:00.000-07:00

We are at the practice park out by Mike's house. The practice for the day has ended and everyone is walking away. Something had happened where I was not happy. Daniel had stopped to talk to me and try to deal with my unhappiness.

Mike, George and the others had walked away so that they were at least 30 or more feet away. Far enough away to give Daniel and I a feeling of privacy.

I think I was describing what had happened or what was bothering me and Daniel was saying some kind of calming things. Then it happened. Daniel opened my heart.

Mike was always talking about opening up people's hearts. When I first started and heard this kind of talk, I thought about it in an intellectual way. As if a person had to think good thoughts, or perhaps do good deeds.

I was completely wrong.

What Mike meant was that the heart could be physically opened. This could be done by the individual, or IT COULD BE IMPOSED ON THE INDIVIDUAL FROM THE OUTSIDE.

Mike had done this to me numerous times. When it happened, I don't think I really intellectually connected what was happening to me with an outside agency making something happen to me. I felt I was responding to words or the emotions of the moment.

Opening someone's heart makes their heart physically change. The person whose heart is opened will feel very specific physical sensations. These sensations will be accompanied by a burst of euphoria that is a result of opening the heart and releasing energy.

This is not a technique that you buy at the store. It is something special that some people learn to do on their own, but many others learn from someone.

Mike had taught Daniel how to open people's hearts. But Mike had not even really talked to me about how people's hearts were opened, much less taught me how.

When one person opens another persons heart, or does any other kind of energy manipulation, people who know about energy in the surrounding vicinity can feel it. Mike felt Daniel opening my heart.

I could see everything happening in slow motion. My brain had the thought "Mike showed Daniel how to open people's hearts! That son of a bitch never showed me!" At that exact instance, Mike began to turn around. It was like he was turning in slow motion like in a movie.

I am thinking to myself in outrage "I can't believe it! He taught Daniel how to open people's hearts but he hasn't taught me! How could he! How could he betray my trust like that!". Then Mike completes his slow motion turn. George and the others are all turning at the same time as if they are connected to Mike.

Then Mike shouts "Daniel" in a sharp voice and breaks the spell. Mike knew what I was thinking. Mike knew he had taught Daniel something he did not teach to me. Mike knew that I had caught on and understood exactly what had happened.

Mike never expected Daniel to use the ability on me. Daniel himself probably never really thought about it. He did it to see if he really could. And he really could.

After Mike shouted, Daniel abruptly turned and walked away. You cannot imagine he sense of lonliness and isolation I felt. Not only was I betrayed by Mike, he taught the new student something he had not taught me, when I caught on to what he did, he did not even try to make an excuse. He gathered up the other men and they all walked away as a group, leaving me behind with the knowledge that they were without a doubt excluding me from some of the activities of the groups and some of the techniques of Ba Gua.

Mike you dishonest, lying, manipulator. How can you look people in the face and talk about pride, dignity and honor, and then turn around and behave like that?

You say one thing and you do another. That is not the behavior you taught us was respectable from a kung fu man. I think Gong Bao Zhai would be ashamed.

Unless of course that is where you learned the dishonesty from.

Stunned and Shocked! Daniel is stronger than I am

2007-05-01T09:41:00.000-07:00

When Daniel came to the class, it was at the behest of his wife. His wife was part of the women's group and she talked or cajoled or perhaps only interested Daniel in joining the group.

Daniel was a marshmallow. He was a largish 6ft plus, but he had the demeanor of a boy. He was soft and flabby. Daniel did not join because he wanted to learn kung fu. He had never had a desire to practice kung fu before joining the group. Because of that, I did not respect him that much.

As has been related before, Daniel was a suck up. He was always talking about became fast friends with Mike. Daniel, Mike, and Steve, the other suck up, were always hanging out and talking. I mentioned before that Steve had no previous kung fu training or interest before joining the group.

This really bothered me. Although both me were good men in that they were friendly, kind, likable, funny and a good addition to the group, it still bothered me that the were not really devoted to kung fu. I felt that Mike should not have allowed them to be so friendly and goofy, and should have pushed them to be more serious about kung fu.

I am stating all of this to give a background to my opinion of Daniel's abilities. He never practiced kung fu before. When he started Ba Gua he of course looked very bad when he did things. Not because he was useless or anything, but because he was a 1st year beginner at kung fu.

For that reason I did not have much respect for Daniel as a kung fu man. I felt he had little or no ability. It is oddly hard for me to write this know, but back then, I was certain my 10 years plus experience in kung fu would allow me to beat Daniel in any kind of fight.

There was never a lot of physical contact or sparring where people used anything like real power in class. Everything was always about doing the form the proper way and controlling yourself so you did not become wild. I personally never had any real hard evidence of how strong or good anyone was.

I of course knew that George was strong because he was big and he played football. I knew Lonnie was strong because he had done Tai Chi for 15 years or so. Even though Jeff was small and probably weaker than me, I knew he had done kung fu for most of his life so his skill level was levels above mine. I knew that James had sadistic tendencies that would make him a difficult man to oppose.

Steve and James though did not bother me. I was convinced that Steve's age and condition would make any fight out of the question. It would be me hurting him and nothing else. I was convinced that Daniel's out of shape condition, his goofy attitude and his lack of previous training would allow me to beat him also.

-----

One weekend we go to the Sunday meeting after the meetings had moved out by Mike's house. The area was breathtakingly beautiful. Tall trees, pine needles on the ground, soft rich smelling dirt, bushes and crawling plants and vines all over. This was a parklike area that was within walking distance of Mike's house.

The area was full to bursting with energy. The entire town was built on a pocket of good energy. Because people who know about this stuff knew about the good energy of the town, the town was for the super wealthy. That was why Mike lived and worked there. To make contacts with the super wealthy so he could get some of that wealth.

The part of the park up by his house had a large wooden decking area built for some purpose. Perhaps outdoor concerts or poetry reading or something. The library was just up the hill from the decking. We all walked down to this perfect spot to practice kung fu.

The day was different from most in that we were going to be working on partner drills. Usually we did the forms together, then people broke up to perform the forms individually. There was not a lot of person on person training. This day was going to be especially devoted to two person drills.

We perform this and that kinds of drills involving Ba Gua walking while approaching or avoiding people. Some pushing kinds of drills. Some attack and defence kinds of drills.

Then we are going to do a drill that involves pushing. We are supposed to put our hands on the attackers chest and try to forcefully push him away, while the other man stays in his Ba Gua stance and trys to disappate the force without falling down.

My partner was Daniel. I thought to myself, "This should be easy. Now is my turn to show I do have superior kung fu skills to Daniel. I have been with Mike for 3 years while Daniel has only been here a year or a year and a half. Now is my time to show my stuff".

We both prepare ourselves for the drill. I reach out and place both of my hands on Daniels chest and I go into shock. My mouth drops open, my hands fall awaw from his chest and I stand there dazed.

Daniel is stronger than me.

I was shocked because not only was Daniel stronger than me, I could tell this by doing nothing more than placing my hands on his chest. It was an ability I had no idea I had.

If you read about old time Tai Chi contests that are famous, you will read about how the two famous men came together, touched hands, then one was declared victorious without anyone doing any punching or kicking. The stories always describe how the spectators are disappointed and mystified.

Why no fight? How did they decide who one?

Those old time guys decided who one using the same method I used above. I had become so sensitive though my long time kung fu practice that when I placed my hands on Daniel's chest, I did not feel just his chest muscles. I could feel that his body was connected and solid from his chest muscles all the way down to his feet. I could feel that he could aborb anything I could do to him becuase he was better connected within his body than i was.

I was devastated. I was so certain about the level of my abilities. Then this man I have no respect for, a man who practices like a child with no focus, is stronger than I am.

Daniel has no idea what is going on. I can see him looking at me like "What happened to this guys mind? He looks like no one is home". Not really knowing what is going on, he mimiced the movement that I had made to him. He placed his hands on my chest for a second and pulled them away.

I felt embarrassed when he did that. The movement felt like someone feeling up your titties. I wondered if that was what Daniel thought it felt like. ;) It was just a quick laying of the hands on the chest, then immediately pulling them away like you were getting a free feel. ;)

He didn't know what I was thinking so I doubt he felt anything when he pressed my chest. I couldn't hardly say anything so we just looked at each other until my shock wore off.

What could I say? "Daniel. I had no respect for you. I though you were a weak child. After placing my hands on your chest, I am no having to deal with the reality that you, a weak child in my opinion, can probably kick my ass with one hand."

Not only was that hard to accept, it caused bad feelings for Mike to develop in me. My first thought was that because Mike was close to Daniel because he was a suck up, he had taught Daniel things that he had not taught me.

I was exactly right. Daniel the suck up, who never took kung fu before and practiced like an unfocused child, was taught things by Mike that Mike never taught to me, a person who had practiced kung fu for 10 years, and practiced so diligently in class that the other group members thought I was standoffish and unfriendly.

That was when I finally started getting angry at Mike. After ignoring the provocations for years, viewing them as tests of my loyalty, the thought that Mike would teach this marshmallow Daniel things he did not teach me because Daniel was a good butt polisher made my blood boil.

It is boiling right now thinking about it.

You had to know Mike. He talked of nothing but dignity, respect, justice, pride.......Everything moral and right. And here he was, teaching a lower level person things he did not teach a higher level person.

Where was his loyalty to the student? Where was his honor in providing the person the training that Mike accepted money for? Where was his respect for me as a paying student of a higher level than Daniel? How did he think my sense of pride would be when I discovered he was teaching Daniel things he was not teaching me?

For a man who so prided himself on being able to completely control others, a man who really did have probably 20 out of group of 35 people completely controlled in a cult like manner, he really misjudged me.

How glad I am of that.

The kung fu brother videos

2007-05-01T09:07:00.000-07:00

One day we are over at Jeff's place for a meeting of something or the other. I wonder if it was a regular Sunday class that was held at Jeff's while the women went off to pursue something else because Mike was at the meeting. Mike never attended any of the men's meetings, so his presence at Jeff's house had to be due to some other event.

The meeting or whatever it was had ended and the group was gathering up things in preparation to leave. At some point in time, Mike and I were left alone in the living room. This was a notable event. Mike and I just were never alone together. As I have said before, I preferred to keep my mouth shut and keep a low profile. Looking back, I think that Mike was probably trying to avoid me most of the time. Between those two attitudes, we were never alone. There was always someone else around to act as a buffer or a diversion.

For that reason, I was on my guard. If Mike and I were alone, he was doing it for a purpose because Mike never did anything by accident. He made certain we were never alone usually, so if we were alone now, something was going to happen.

Mike began telling me about videos that his kung fu brother had created. These videos demonstrated various things that Mike had been teaching in class. Mike said he thought it would be a good idea for me to get them.

Then he takes on a conspiratorial tone and says "They show too much". When he did that, I had this feeling like I should grab the tapes and forget Mike. I could take the tapes and learn from them because they showed more than Mike did.

It was Mike making me feel that way. This was another one of his attempts to get me to leave the group. He told me about the tapes, the mentally, emotionally and energetically manipulated me to think I should grab the tapes and leave Mike.

For long time readers of this blog, you will recognize this must be the 4th or 5th time I have described an incident where it looked like Mike was trying to get rid of me. Even me, being as dense as I was, mind clouded by ideas of loyalty and devotion, could no longer deny that it really looked like Mike wanted me to leave the group.

At that point in time, I became convinced it was all a test. Mike was purposefully being troublesome, purposefully ignoring me, and purposefully pushing me away to test my resolve and loyalty.

Was I the kind of person who, if I got mad at Mike one day, would walk away? Showing that all my protestations of loyalty and desire for Ba Gua were false? Or would I shrug off annoyances and remain loyal?

To my way of thinking at the time, this tape episode was another test. Not only was Mike verbally telling me that this tape offered me more than he did, he actually tried to push me so I would walk away.

If I was only sort of loyal, only a little bit loyal, then his push, his mental manipulation, would have broken the very small loyalty that I had. On the other hand, if I resisted his verbal manipulation, his mental manipulation, his emotional manipulation and his energetic manipulation of me, then that proved that I was loyal to the core. It proved that even in the face of strong provocation, I would remain loyal to both Mike and Ba Gua.

That did not stop me from buying the tapes. ;)

At the time, I did not have such a clear idea of what was happening as I described above. At the time I was susceptible to Mike's manipulation. He advised me to get the tapes so I got the tapes.

But I never watched them. For me that was part of the test. I went ahead and got the tapes as Mike instructed, but because I was loyal to Mike and I trusted him to properly instruct me, there was no need for me to view the tapes. That was part of the test. Would I watch the tapes and start asking Mike about the stuff in them? Or would I continue to trust Mike to watch my progress and tell me what I needed to know when I needed to know it.

Would you believe I never did watch those tapes until almost 10 years later? Yes I still have them Mike. ;) And they are very good tapes as you described. Your kung fu brother did show quite a bit of the system. Enough that a person driven to learn kung fu could perhaps learn some of it on their own.

I am shaking my head over this post and smiling. That poor Mike really wanted to get rid of me. But because I saw so many movies about the master testing the loyalty of the disciple, every time he tried to drive me away, I clung even tighter because I thought it was a test. ;)

Ed is coming to visit

2007-03-12T14:08:00.000-07:00

While we were still at the park practicing, Mike announced we were going to have a visitor. His name was Ed and he was a friend and fellow student of Mike's. Mike and Ed were both students of the same Tai Chi instructor which was where they had first met.

Mike was always reticent about himself and naturally, as an asian and a kung fu man, not so emotional about things. Still, I felt he attached some importance to the coming visit. He was excited or anxious.

Mike talked to us about the visit and how we wanted to present an image. Something we could all be proud of. Left unsaid was that we should act like something that Mike could be proud of.

I think that attitude would be one that most any person who was the leader of a group would have. Wanting an outsider to think that the group had benefited from his leadership. Thinking the group actually showed the results of working with Mike.

The group at this time would have been Lonnie, Jeff, George, Me, Steve and Daniel I am fairly certain was there.I don't think Tom had joined yet at this point. The group was still a young appearing kung fu oriented group.

The fateful saturday arrived and Ed showed up. Talk about contrasts! Mike is a thin man who has the bony kind of kung fu look. Ed was one of those kung fu men that blow up like a balloon. He wasn't that big in the sense of being tall and muscular but he was about 2 or 3 feet around. And his initial impression on me anyways was that he was 2 or 3 feet around from his ankles to his head.

At the time I did not understand Tai Chi well enough to know what I was seeing. Honestly I did not have much respect for him based on appearance. I knew that he could throw people around because of sheer mass, but I don't know if I thought he was good at Tai Chi.

We all introduced ourselves, then sat down for our regular meeting with Ed watching as an observer. Memories of situations like this are still emotional after all of these years.

I was embarrassed. Mike was so controlling that no one talked much as I have stated before. Mike was OK with people talking until they challenged him. Then they better shut up fast. After awhile, with an attitude and consequences like that, people became trained to stay quiet.

The meeting was embarrassing because it seemed false and forced. I personally felt like we were trained animals putting on show for this guy. Not people who were being honest. The conversation felt forced and stilted. People really did not have much to say.

The meeting broke up and we began to do our practice. I cannot remember for sure, but Ed might have talked to people about Tai Chi. He might have given some pointers or we might have practiced the form more than the usual one time.

I kept my distance from Ed because I hate falsity. I did not want to go to him, strike up some false conversation, and say false things. I also did not want to be involved in a conversation with him where I might do or say something that would make Mike unhappy.

Eventually we called it a day. Everyone was glad they had met Ed and it was agreed that it had been a productive day. Plans were made to meet again the next day. This was a Saturday so the next day would have been a Sunday, the regularly scheduled day for classes.

Everyone smiled and shook hands and left thinking good thoughts.

The next day we all arrive for the meeting. Mike looks at all of us and says "Ed won't be coming today. He said his time would be more productive at another Tai Chi school in the vicinity".

Mike said this with a big grin on his face. I did not understand that grin for a long time. Mike would always be grinning, showing a full set of teeth with his eyes wide.

Mike was embarrassed. He was ashamed. The grin was a physical reaction to his emotions. He looked like he was grinning widely because that is one way a kung fu man can release the energy generated by strong emotions.

I personally understood completely. The group was not something to be proud of. It was not a cohesive unit. The people were cowed because of Mike's need to control people. There was no real conversation that would interest a person like Ed.

Instead of the group being a group of strong, independent people who were all striving to make themselves better, Mike and Ed were leader types, while the lest of us appeared to an outside observer like servants or baggage of Mike's. No one in the group, in my opinion, stood out on their own like an individual kung fu man should.

Of course we all reacted to the news. What was Ed saying? "I wasted my time with you guys. You are not worthy of a further investment of my time. You do not measure up".

The entire group focus that Mike pushed every week was how special the group was, how special the individuals were, and how the people here were something more than average people.

And Ed, Mike's long time friend, who should be disposed to being polite and charitable towards Mike and not hurting his feelings or shaming him, plainly, in no uncertain terms, shows his scorn for Mike's work with the group and the individuals Mike is working with.

We all knew Mike was shamed. Writing this down now? I think he must have been totally humiliated. Knowing how desperate Mike was to appear as someone special, and to have a close friend turn up his nose and so obviously spurn Mike and his work must have been like acid burning in his stomach.

I have to wonder now, was this event one of the things that led to the eventual dissolution of the group? Was Mike's shame at Ed's opinion of him so strong that Mike decided he would rather get rid of people he had accepted as students and made promises to, than to deal with the dismissive attitude Ed had for his group.

Writing that makes my heart break. I know Mike. I know he would throw people overboard in a heartbeat if he thought it would further his own self interests.

This is fact and not the writings of an unhappy person because later events bear out the statement above. Various people suddenly began to have doubts or perhaps even altercations with Mike, and these people left the group.

I have to wonder now if what seemed the normal course of events, people losing interest and leaving, was really an orchestrated plan by Mike to chase those people away.

It is so sickening to think because of how the group was set up. We were all working together, we were loyal to each other, we were helping each other become better people......everything was about how we were one big happy family.

Family does not throw people out. At least not in any family I would call functional. The father does not chase the children out of the house because the neighbors say things that makes the father ashamed of the child. The good father works with the child to change it.
The bad father might chase the child away or throw it out the door.

Even though I am writing this post and these are my memories, I am still shocked and saddened to recall this event and what occurred. I idolized Mike. I don't mind saying that because he was a kung fu man that had true abilities. He was not one of these kung fu guys who runs a school at the mall. I had no doubt at all I wanted to learn his kung fu skills.

To think that after everything he said, he would react to someone saying negative things about him, just the same way as the rest of us who were students and not the teacher, makes my stomach sink to the floor.

How could he do that? How could he be like that? I know in my heart that he was a better and stronger man than that if he chose to be. Why would he lose strength or conviction or confidence in his work and the people he made promises to?

Mike always stressed that everything was destiny. If destiny had brought all of us together, even if some of us did not measure up in Mike's eyes, he should have accepted us. Even if someone made Mike feel ashamed over his students, Mike should have felt in his heart that destiny gave him those students for a reason, and he was supposed to stick with them.

I guess what makes my heart sink is the realization that Mike did not truly believe his own words, deep down inside of himself. He only believed them when it was easy.

That is too bad. I was Mike's student, which to my way of thinking makes me lesser than him, yet I have full confidence and trust that destiny plans things out. I force myself to deal with uncomfortable situations as much as I can because I know my personal desires have nothing to do with what is happening.

Destiny has lessons and a plan for me, and it is best if I go along with it. Whether I like it or not, whether I resist or not, destiny always seems to get what it wants. That is the whole basis of the advice to not try to control events and let the course of destiny take it's course.

For Mike, who was supposed to be better than me, to think that he could outwit or alter or change destiny, by getting rid of students that brought shame to him, forces me to accept that he was not the man I thought he was.

Jeff is a faker ;(

2007-02-11T08:51:00.000-08:00

At one of the meetings at Mike's office, we had discussed relationships with other people in the group. I was standoffish because I felt other people were not sincere about Ba Gua. After Mike had tried to insinuate I was not qualified for Ba Gua, after practicing martial arts for 10 years, I think I took my frustration out on the people who really were not qualified. The ones who had never taken a martial arts class in their lives.

I told Mike I felt no affinity with the people who I thought goofed off. Mike told me all I really needed was a relationship with him. He talked about how he had been close with his instructor and the top students and that was about it. He was buddies with the guys who could teach him, and the rest of the people did not matter.

After hearing this, I resolved that I would do the same thing. I would try to develop a relationship with Mike, Jeff and Lonnie because they were the ones that really knew Ba Gua. I was going to meetings with Mike so supposedly I was working on the relationship with him. I spent a lot of time with Lonnie so I felt I was developing some kind of relationship with him.

Jeff though.....I didn't have any kind of relationship at all with. We said hello or exchanged words but that was it. Which meant that I needed to do something about the situation.

At one of the men's meetings at Tom's house Jeff was there. I decided I was going to talk to him after the meeting.

Tom's house was in a hilly area. When I say hilly, I mean 45 degree and steeper hilly. I clearly recall this because on this occasion, both Jeff and I had parked uphill from Tom's house.

The meeting was over and we all meandered out of the house. I wanted to talk to Jeff so I hung around some and acted like I was waiting for him. This was out of character so it probably put Jeff on notice I wanted something.

After the general goodbyes, Jeff headed out to his car and I walked with him. This was unusual because we did not interact very much. I began to talk about this and that.

I told Jeff I thought we were alike. At the time I felt like I was only speaking the truth. We were both quiet, standoffish, reserved, focused, intelligent and driven. Now though I think what I said probably made Jeff laugh. From his perspective, I was probably a lot of trouble. I had health problems. I did not interact well with other people in the group. I was not a talker like Daniel, Steve or George. The kind of person you can hang around because you know they will talk forever without demanding anything of you.

All this time we are both walking up a 45 degree hill. I remember this quite clearly because I was chasing Jeff. I did not realize it but Jeff was walking very fast. Almost as if he was running away from me. I am chasing Jeff up this 45 degree hill and trying to talk at the same time. I was having trouble breathing and talking normally.

Now I understand he did that on purpose. If he walked fast and made it hard for me to talk to him, maybe I would give up talking to him? Walking fast might also have helped him work off some anxiety energy, but I think it was mostly to try to dissuade me.

Because I am stubborn, that was never going to happen. Jeff could have flapped his arms and taken off flying and I would have found a way to follow him because I wanted to talk to him about being buddies and there was no way I was going to be denied.

We reach the top of this hill. I am still right next to or right behind Jeff talking away about how we are both smart and dedicated etc etc and how I want to be buddies. Just like Mike suggested in the office. Simplistic attitude huh? Seems like I should have been more circumspect.

At the time, my head was filled with Mike's talk of honesty and dignity etc. So I went directly to Jeff and honestly told him I wanted to be his buddy because we were both driven to be good at kung fu.

We are at the top of the hill and it is either level or all downhill from there. What is jeff going to do? Here is this guy he is trying to get rid of right on his tail. Walking fast up the hill did not get rid of him. There are no more hills to race up to try and tire him out. What the heck does Jeff do now?

Jeff turns around and hugs me. It almost broke my heart. Not because it was a good thing and I felt cared for. Because it was a completely false act that was meant as an act of manipulation.

Jeff and I do not have much to do with each other. I chase him up a hill talking to him about being his buddy. Then he is giving me a hug like he was my long lost brother. It just did not add up. There was no reason for it. Except as an act of manipulation.

If I thought Jeff liked me, I would leave right? I am telling him I want to be his buddy, he hugs me. What other gesture says "my buddy" better than a hug does?

It was kind of embarrassing thinking of how pathetic Jeff must have thought I was that I would believe his gesture. If I really was a simple minded fool chasing after an intellgent human being, then hugging me would be like patting a dog on the head. The dog would wag it's tail and be happy. Dogs are simple minded.

The embarrassment was overridden by the sickness in the pit of my stomach that he could be so obviously fake.

I let go of him and watched him run off to his car as I slowly turned towards my own car thinking "Jeez. I think my high opinion of one of my heroes was just punctured".

Tom's House - The beginning of the end?

2007-02-11T08:35:00.000-08:00

Going thru these old posts, it feels like something happened once the men's meetings moved to Tom's house. Previous posts described how Jeff hardly ever made it to the men's meeting's because he was "busy".

Without the head student at the meetings, there was a natural floundering. After all, we were students there. A student has a teacher. If the teacher is busy, what does the student do?

Lonnie attended most all of the meetings at Tom's. Lonnie was the second top student. As has been alluded to elsewhere, there was something about Lonnie that precluded truly accepting him as a leader.

Lonnie would put on a false humbleness that infuriated me. Lonnie was a country boy who talked like a country boy. Except when he was at Ba Gua. Then he would put on this false womanly humbleness. I was so annoyed because I have a low tolerance for falseness. I could not understand who he thought he was fooling. It was a lie which was supposed to go against everything Ba Gua stood for.

I think he took this false humbleness too far, or he used the false humbleness as an excuse. When it came right down to it, time when the pressure was on, Lonnie would defer from his leadership role. There was a slight shift in his attitude that made it clear to a perceptive person that he really did not want the leadership role, with everyone in the group depending on him for leadership.

The result of this attitude was that there was no real leader for the men's meetings. The meetings had more of the feel as a gathering of friends as opposed to a meeting where there were things to be learned and enlightenment to be gained.

I think this was apparent to James. At this time the meetings were George, Lonnie, Me, Peter, James, Daniel, and Tom. After a prolonged period of Jeff's absence, James stopped going to the meetings regularly. He might come once in awhile, but the devotion shown to the weekly meetings before was not there.

What was even more odd to me was the fact that frequently Tom was not at the meetings. Here we are meeting at Tom's house, but there is no Tom.

I don't know what any of the other members thought or felt. To me this behavior of Tom's was subtly corrosive. Tom had been invited to join this special group. He had gone through an initiation process to prove his strong need to join. He joins and offers the use of his home to the group. That seems like the action of someone who is indeed strongly motivated.

Then, within the space of a month or so, the man never comes to a meeting again. Tom showed up for the first few meetings to introduce us to his home and make us feel welcome. After that, we rarely saw him. He might let us in and then he had to go somewhere. There might have even been times when he was not there and we used the house without him.

To me, that generated a sense of "who cares?", "This is all a joke", "This is a game or a play thing for children".

I wonder if this feeling was corrosive. Was it this feeling that led Jeff and then James to decide the meetings were not important enough to attend?

We cannot do it ourselves - Waaaahhhh!!!!!!

2007-01-29T12:16:00.000-08:00

Quite a title isn't it? That is what happened. I suppose I could have phrased it differently, but I was so dismayed by the situation that I felt exactly what the title says.

The men's group had been meeting at Tom's house for some time. At some point along the way we had lost Jeff. Jeff said that he was busy and could not make the meetings. Jeff was enrolled in college and he had many other obligations. It was understandable that he was too busy to come.

It was also disappointing though. The purpose of the men's meetings was so we could get together and do things that would make us all progress. Jeff was the senior student in the class. It seems pretty reasonable to think that the top student in the class should be at any meetings or classes to oversee what was going on. After all, he was the top student.

Mike was not at the men's meetings for guidance. Jeff was not at the men's meetings for guidance. What was the point of the men's meetings if neither one of them were their to oversee or to teach? Without the leadership of the leaders, we were basically just a group of friends meeting every week to talk.

Lonnie was attending the meetings at Tom's house. Lonnie was generally accepted as the No 2 person in the group. Lonnie was not Jeff and he was not Mike. I respect Lonnie and Lonnie was very good to me. He treated me better than I deserved.

In spite of that, I have to honestly say that Lonnie is not a leader. Lonnie is a follower. Lonnie would drop everything to follow Jeff or Mike anywhere. If Lonnie was a true leader, he would have been able to stand his ground if Jeff or Mike were to go somewhere else.

So Lonnie was not providing the leadership at the men's meetings that I felt he should as the senior student.

As was stated, with no real leader, we were a bunch of guys meeting to talk. There was nothing special about us or the meeting.
-----------

One day Jeff showed up for the men's meeting. Everyone was naturally happy and sat around and talked for a little bit. Then Jeff announced that he could not stay. He had an obligation that he had to attend to. He had stopped by because he said he would be at the meeting and he did not want to break his word. He was sorry, but he had to go.

Everyone's mood dropped because Jeff was leaving. People looked at each other in a disappointed way. No one really knows what to do. They do not like that Jeff is leaving, but what can anyone do? Jeff leaves the meeting.

Everyone stands around looking at each other uncomfortably for a minute or two, then George says "Well, I guess that's it. Looks like no meeting tonight".

I was flabbergasted. George was suggesting that because Jeff left, there would be no meeting? We had all traveled to Tom's house and were prepared to spend the time for the meeting, and now we were going to give up because Jeff left?

We had been having men's meetings without Jeff for months. Why did this one have to close done just because Jeff stopped by for 5 minutes and left?

That is when it hit me how sheeplike the group was. None of them had any confidence in themselves at all. If they were alone, they might try to do something by themselves. But if Jeff or Mike was around, they turned into sheep.

I was so disgusted that I, the person that hardly ever talked or suggested anything, confronted them. I started talking about myself which is something I never did. I talked about anything, I don't even know what anymore. I just kept talking to show them that we could have a regular meeting as we always did. We were independent men that did not need the sheepherder jeff there with us.

You know what? That was really hard. The heart of all of those men were still with Jeff. Jeff got in his car and drove away, and all of these sheep wanted to follow him. I could see their bodies yearning to walk out the door and get in the car to drive away like jeff walked out the door and drove away.

They were completely mindless. It is hard to convey what it was like to be hit by the realization that these men that I respected could really be so totally sheep like. Especially as everyone of them considered themselves to be superior to me. I was the black sheep of the group. Yet I was the only one who had the independence of mind to not become a sheep.

The incident was so out of character for me that, can you believe it, the guys went and told Mike about it! ;) Next class time, Mike comes to me and says "I heard you had a lot to say at the men's meeting". There is George and the other guys standing over there, pretending not to watch, but watching because they know Mike is talking to me about what they told him.

It was all so weird. So disappointing is what I guess I want to honestly say. I lost respect for every single man in the group after that incident. I knew without doubt that Jeff and Mike were the only two men who were worth learning from and emulating.

The rest of them were mindless sheep. They had all been with Mike for at least a year or two. If they had not developed a backbone and a sense of independence by then, they never would. It was their nature, their fate, to be nothing but sheep for this life.

Doctor / Patient Confidentiality

2007-01-10T08:45:00.000-08:00

I stated before that Mike encouraged all of his students to visit him privately in addition to attending the weekly Ba Gua practice. I related how I had avoided this because of the expense and because I do not believe in psychiatry.

Mike had a degree in psychiatry. His office was a combination chinese medicine / psychiatric practice. I always felt there was a stigma attached to seeing a psychiatrist. A person seeing a psychiatrist was crazy, or they were unable to do things for themselves.

I also violently distrusted psychiatrists. What a psychiatrist does basically is encourage people to tell them secrets. These secrets give the psychiatrist power over the person who hands them over. I think it is not a good idea to be telling strangers your secrets.

I described how I had avoided going to Mike's office by saying I was broke and could not afford it. Then I finally gave in after a year or so because I felt that Mike was treating the other students who did pay him to go privately better than he treated me. I thought maybe if I paid him for the office visits, then I would become his buddy and be treated like everyone else.

Because of my attitude towards psychiatrist in general, the office visits did not go well. Mike wanted me to talk about myself. I was not there to talk about myself. I was there to learn about Ba Gua and how to become a superior kung fu man.

Mike assured me that it was necessary to talk to me as a person, find out who I was, etc etc in order to best teach me. I grudgingly accepted this and told him a few things. Things I felt were private, but harmless. I wanted to test Mike to see what happened.

I told Mike I did not like my mother and I didn't really get along with my family. Mike said I need to tell my mother that I loved her and reconcile with my family. I took this very literally. I went home, got on the phone, told my mother I loved her, then I waited.

And I waited and I waited and I waited. I didn't feel any different. I didn't feel any difference in power. I didn't feel like my Ba Gua got better or my kung fu practice in general got better. I felt like I had acted on Mike's instruction, and it was a waste of time.

That naturally made me even less willing to talk about myself. I went to Mike's office to learn about Ba Gua and Kung fu. Every time I went there, Mike would ask me what I wanted and my response was invariably something I wanted to know about kung fu.

Mike even told me once at the office, "Every time I am around you I find myself talking about kung fu". Looking back now, it was probably a rebuke. At the time I thought it was a stupid thing to say. I hoped he would be talking about kung fu. I wasn't paying money and driving an hour to his office to talk about anything else but kung fu.

Most of my time was spent in the office quietly resisting. Mike would talk about this and that and I mostly refused to participate. I did not want to talk about all these other pointless subjects. Plus I did not trust him. I did not trust psychiatrists in general, and I did not trust his judgement after the situation with my mother.

Later on, I came to thank the gods that I was untrusting.

------------------------

One day we were practicing at the school playground. I don't know if the narrative to this point has talked about the move to the school playground for Sunday practice. Well. Now you know. ;)

We are all standing around taking a break after doing something and talking about nothing in general. I do not know what the subject was.

Whatever the subject was, at some point in time Mike says "Steve told me he had sex 10 times in one day".

My mouth dropped open in shock. I turned to look at Steve and he was bright red. Obviously the statement was true.

Apparently, Steve was a male prostitute at some point in his life. While Steve was at Mike's office for a visit, at some point in time Steve thought it would be a good idea to tell Mike that story. I don't know if Steve cared or not that Mike said that to all of us. He did not act angry. He kind of hung his head like "Yes I did it".

Of course Steve could not act angry if he knew what was good for him. If he wanted to stay in the class and remain Mike's buddy, he knew he should smile and laugh.

I never knew Steve was a prostitute. I don't think anyone else did. I was in such shock maybe my judgement was impaired. I remember most of the others looking away or looking at the ground after Mike said that.

After I got over my shock, I was stunned. Mike had taken something that Steve had told him in the confidentiality of his psychiatric office, and told a group of other people.

If Mike told us, who else was he telling about Steve the male prostitute?

It was like a concrete seal was poured around me. At that instant I knew that I would never, ever, ever, confide anything to Mike. I realized that I had been right to distrust him all those years.

This event occurred towards the end of my time with Mike. This event along with other events that showed Mike to be not the dignified kung fu man with integrity that he talked about in class, but just some guy that was no better than anyone else, and possibly was worse than other people, changed my feelings towards him at such a basic level that my respect for him would never be the same.

Tom's House

2007-01-04T20:47:00.000-08:00

The men's meetings had been held at Jeff's house for some time. This was mostly throughout the first year of the class. I could not have people to my house. James could not have people over. We had gone to Chris's place a few times but for some reason or the other that fell through. George and Steve both lived very far away from everyone. Jeff was the most centrally located.

Then Tom joined the class. His house was actually very close to the park where we practiced. The reason we practiced at the park was because it was centrally located for everyone.

At some point Tom volunteered the use of his house. One of the meetings was set for there.

This place was a mansion! I told you the Gay Guy was a millionaire. His house was up on a hill. The road in the neighborhood was all windy and very small. All these mansions lined up along the curves of the road. The parking was terrible so we had to walk up these winding roads to the house.

There were steps leading up to the houe and gate. It was three story house that looked large and impressive in the dark. The meeting was held at night and it was dark already.

The inside of the house was just as nice as you would imagine. Large rooms all downstairs. Wood flooring. Lots of windows everywhere. The second floor was devoted to bedrooms, bathrooms and maybe some miscellaneous rooms. One of the rooms was occupied by a border he had. I mention this to give you an idea of how large the house was. This was not someone being put up in the spare bedroom. This was like someone being given an entire apartment to live in within this guys house.

The top floor was something else. There was a study set up there that was oddly shaped because the room was cut off by the roof. The room was not exactly square or rectangular.

What made the room so spectacular though was the glass. One wall had lots of windows in it so that it was almost like the wall was glass. The house was surrounded by tall trees which were growing outside of the windows. They provided privacy from the ground.

There was a great view out of the windows because the house was at the top of the hill and the windows were at the top of the house. The room was a magical kind of place. One of those rooms you see in a movie where some kid is doing something and then a troll pops out of the wall or something. Like a fairytale.

That room was so magical I just sat there and enjoyed it. Sometimes during the meetings the lights would be turned down low or perhaps even some candles would be put out. Tom had some candles and they only added to the atmosphere of the room.

I was so envious I wondered how I could get myself into the house as a boarder. I would have been happy living in that room upstairs with access to a bathroom and a kitchen.

I think everyone else was as appreciative of the house as I was. We sat there and did our meditation thing with the candles burning and the wind blowing the trees outside the window. It is hard to explain the effect it all had.

When we left that night, I think we talked to each other about the house all the way out to our cars. ;)

Forcing Jeff

2007-01-03T10:40:00.000-08:00

Jeff was a good guy. He was really small. Maybe 5 6 or somethnig like that. A typical kind of chinese guy. He had a good disposition and he really tried. He was not really friendly by nature, but he wanted to be. He was the kind of person who felt tortured because he wanted to be close to people, but he couldn't.

Somewhere along the way, the group began having situations where eating would take place. It would be something informal like eating crackers after practice or something similar. After awhile, instead of bring things that could be purchased at a store, people would begin cooking things to bring.

It was kind of funny because it turned into a competition. For me it did anyways. ;) At some point a feast began to appear. So many people were bringing so much food that it was going to waste.

At that point it was decided people would take turns bringing things. No rules or anything. Just an informal agreement that the persons bringing the food would be different each time.

There was some situation coming up. Someone's birthday, some special event...I do not recall. I went to Mike's office for one of my visit's to him. When I got there, Jeff was in the waiting room. It was odd because I was almost always the only person there. There was also someone else in the waiting room. A person who I did not know. Mike had people visit him who did not belong to the Ba Gua group.

Jeff and I exchanged pleasantries and then the talk turned to whatever the upcoming event was. Jeff said that he was going to bring something. I was excited and feeling good and generous. I said that I wanted to bring something. Jeff could take it easy and let me do it.

Jeff said no, he would go ahead and bring whatever it was. I was trying to be helpful and good I thought. Jeff was the head guy in the men's group. I was the junior guy. The way that I thought, it was my duty to do something menial like bringing food. Jeff's job was to be the leader of the group. His time should not be wasted on things like bringing food.

Jeff said no in that quiet and deferential way of his. We were in Mike's waiting room so that made the situation even more quiet. You had to see Jeff. He was kind of hunched over with his elbows on his knees or a similar posture. His head was down and his eyes were looking downwards then up at me.

In my zeal to be helpful, I thought Jeff was just being polite. I thought that he was playing the game where people say "Yes/No" two or three times before someone does something. The game is played so no one feels forced into doing anything.

I insisted that I be allowed to bring the food for whatever the event was. I excitedly described what it was I thought I would bring. I repeated that it was no problem to me at all and he should not feel guilty that I was having to do it.

At that point Jeff looked at me and nodded his head OK.

I am visualizing this situation right now and shaking my head at how naive I was. While I was talking to Jeff I was standing up. I had moved close to him to talk to him and in my excitement to please, I was probably very close and perhaps even overbearing.

After all, Jeff was sitting down in the chair, a small chinese guy, and I am standing over him, a tallish person who is talking animatedly.

What I never realized until later was that Jeff really wanted to bring the food. He wanted the feeling of being thanked by the group for bringing the food.

I had basically forced Jeff to say that I could bring the food. Looming over him and insisting that I be allowed to bring the food made Jeff concede and agree to let me bring the food.

I have felt guilty about that for years. There I was, thinking I was being the good student taking a load off of my superior, and really I was being rude and browbeating my superior into doing something that he did not want to do.

EDIT:

Of course something like that was not going to go by. For some coincidental reason, I figured all of the above out. That I was rude and forcing Jeff. The next time we were together, and it may have been the actual event where I brought the food, someone said "I thought Jeff was bringing the food."

Which of course was my queue to admit in front of everyone that I had forced Jeff to let me bring the food. I say of course because that was my lesson. To learn that instead of being helpful and taking a load off of Jeff, I had forced him to allow me to do something that he either was supposed to do or wanted to do.

I didn't really mind admitting what had happened in front of everyone. Like I said, I was completely innocent of any maliciousness. They the rest of the group thought I was stupid or naive for not seeing that, I didn't mind too much. I learned a lesson. What could I say?

The Cult

2007-01-03T10:18:00.000-08:00

As you can see from the time between posts, Mike appears to be doing a good job of distracting me from writing in here. Since I have no way to know who will win this battle, I am going to be posting things willy nilly. The time scale is going to be all over.

----------

At some point in time, Peter began mentioning the word cult. Peter had probably been in class for a year or so before he began to bring up this subject.

Peter was a lawyer. I am guessing that in his social circles, when he talked about Mike and the group, his social circle must have told him it sounded like a cult.

One day Peter brought his father to class. This was really odd to me. Peter must have been 30 or 35 if he was a lawyer. Why was he dragging his father to class like a teenager bringing dad to one of his classes?

Looking back, I have to wonder now if the father insisted on going to see the man who had power over his son. Or I wonder if Peter himself, subconsciously since he was in his 30's, brought his dad along to check out Mike.

As time went by, Peter began to bring up the subject of cults more and more. In the beginning Mike discussed the issue with him. I felt that Mike handled it well. I did not see surprise or discomfort in him. He did not act guilty in any way.

Peter felt like the group was a cult because everyone deferred to Mike and no one talked back to him. It was never said outloud, but I wonder if Peter had ideas about the group being a cult because of the situation with the women.

As I have written previously, the men were not allowed to practice with the women. The atmosphere was almost adversarial. If one of the men approached the women, the women would literally walk away or act like the man should leave immediately. It was the weirdest thing you ever saw. Now, looking back, I can see it was a sign of mental illness on the part of the women. Mike had brainwashed them so thoroughly that they begain behaving erratically.

What is so....funny? sad? insightful? about all of this. The group really did fit the defition of a cult.

Why?

Because Mike was having sex with the women. That is why he kept them separate from the men.

One of the signs of a cult is when the leader of the cult has sex with the women in the group. The cult leader says whatever is necessary to get the women to have sex with him. This includes the single and the married women.

Mike had sex with married and single women in the group. Peter was spot on in saying that the group was a cult.

I didn't know any of this at the time that Peter was talking about cults. It was maybe a year or more later before I found out that Mike was having sex with the women.

I wonder now if Peter had somehow found out about Mike having sex with the women. Peter was more sociable than I was. He had a friendly manner that would encourage people to confide in him. Peter also became good friends with James.

James always kept his head about him around the group. By that I mean he was never completely swayed by Mike. That is why James was considered the troublemaker. Mike could not control him the way he controlled everyone else.

I wonder if Peter and James got together and the discussion got around to Mike having sex with the women. James was there when I joined the group. He would have had more time to observe Mike's behavior with the women. He would have had more time to hear rumors or to observer the interaction between Mike and the women so he could reach the conclusion Mike was having sex with the women.

I always ignored the talk of a cult. I thought that Peter was a complainer. I previously related how Peter had no martial arts experience at all, and how I felt he did not belong in the class because he was not really serious.

I guess that shows how naive or how controlled I was doesn't it?

I was naive to believe that Mike was a man with integrity who would never abuse his position of authority to take advantage of his students.

Or I was controlled in that I thought I would never believe any negative comment about Mike, no matter how insightful and truthful it was.

-----------

Just to keep things fresh, in case Mike is successful in erasing my brain some more, his sex with the women was one of the causes that the group ultimately fell apart. There were too many women to have sex with. Jealousy among them and Mike trying to run the group with all that social interaction going on did not work.

And to make you wonder about the audacity of people, Mike now is associated with a women's organization for Ba Gua.

I would guess he uses it as a harem just like he used the women in the group as a harem.

Daniel

2006-12-02T21:50:00.000-08:00

Been awhile hasn't it? I am in the midst of writing a few books. The books are informational in nature. My priority has been getting worthwhile information out to people. This blog about relationships and history is more of an entertainment kind of thing for me right now.

Around now there was me, jeff, lonnie, james, peter, steve. I don't beleive I have mentioned Daniel yet. I hope my time away from the blog does not have me repeating things. ;)

One day Mike came by and told us there was someone interested in joining. It was the husband of one of the women. This was kind of odd and troublesome, but not so much.

When I had first started the class, a big deal was made about how chris had a relationship with one of the women students. After the relationship was over, the class was awkward for everyone because of the feelings of the two of them. I have talked about how Mike had separated the men's and women's group using that as a reason.

The general feeling was that it was not a good idea for people who were involved to both be in the group. The personal relationships could be brought to the group and cause trouble.

Of course this had been thrown out the door when Steve joined. ;) Steve joined because he wife was a member of the women's group. So there was a precedent for Daniel to join as the husband of one of the members of the women's group.

Daniel's wife was a little doll. Literally. She was short. I am probably remembering this badly but I want to say she was in the low 5 feet short. She had blonde hair that haloed out around her head. Her eyes had a look in them that was hard to describe, but added to her doll like nature.

Daniel was a largish man. He was probably over 6 feet and he was heavy. Not fat heavy, though he was overweight. More of a big person kind of heavy. His large body contrasted with his face because Daniel had a kids face. I think Daniel was in his late 20's. I am not sure.

Daniel's personality matched his face. He was a youngish or childish acting kind of person. I don't mean in the sense that he was simple. I mean in the sense that he was open and honest. He did not seem deceptive or cyncial in the way most adults look. Even the best of adults always seem to have some kind of hardness inside of them. Daniel did not have this.

Daniel and Mike hit it off right away. Daniel was a salesman of some kind so he had the gladhanding always talking, happy to meet you kind of personality. He would go to Mike and mike would respond in a similar way. This sounds trivial. It was so out of character for Mike to act the way that Daniel did that it was actually quite astounding to see the two of them together.

I had some unhappy feelings about this. At that time I was still strongly attached to the idea that it was necessary to have practiced kung fu in order to be respected. Daniel had never had any kung fu training at all. This was another thing for me to be unhappy about because as I said before, Mike had made some comments to me about how I was not ready or prepared for the class. If I was not ready or prepared, and I had been practicing kung fu off and on for 10 years, how could Mike justify taking Daniel on as a student? A man who had never practiced kung fu before in his life?

As you might imagine, Daniel was not so good at the class. He had a tendency to stand high up like Steve or George. Daniel was big in the same way George was big. Big bodied. It was difficult for both of them to get low. Steve had trouble getting low because of the condition of his body and his age.

It was hard not to like Daniel because he was a likable guy. That is why his work was as a salesman. He had that kind of personality. He hit it off with everyone in the class. I think it is obvious by the way I am talking that Daniel was accepted as a member of the group. I cannot recall anything special about his interview. Or if there was an interview. He may have been allowed to join the group because of his wife.

I am not going to tell you. You had better remember it.

2006-09-05T19:54:00.000-07:00

We had all learned 8 basic forms as part of the Ba Gua. Each form might consist of 8 or 10 moves at least. In the later forms they become longer and more complex.

Each of the movements of the forms had a name. It is traditional in China to name a kung fu movement in such a way as to provide a clue to the practitioner as to what the movement was supposed to do to their body. One I can think of offhand is "Tiger goes to the Mountain". This would evoke images of strength, images of hard work to go up a large mountain or maybe images of a lithe and supple tiger like body.

Sometimes when the forms were practiced, we would recite the names of the movements aloud. As a beginner, along with Arol and Tim at the time, I was focused on what I was doing physically. Where my feet went and where my arms went. I repeated the names if I could remember them. Or I followed Jeff or Lonnie or Mike when they said the names.

It was very difficult for me to remember all of the names for each form. I felt like I was stupid except that neither Arol nor Tim could remember them either. I do not think the other's, except for maybe Jeff or Lonnie, could remember the names either.

I think this because we sat down one day to write down the names. Then we could go home and study them. Or that was the plan. It turned out that among all of us, no one could remember the names. We could remember a few names for different forms, but no one knew all of the names for all of the forms. Unless, as I suspected, Jeff was lying when he said he did not know.

I felt it was the most natural thing in the world to ask Mike if he would tell us the form names so that we could write them down and study them. He refused. He did not outright say no. That is not his style. He might have given some of the names, then changed the subject.

I was flabbergasted. We are supposed to be here learning kung fu, we are paying for lessons, we are demonstrating our desire to learn by asking him about the names of the kung fu movements. Why would he not tell us the names?

He said or indicated it was because we were supposed to remember them ourselves. It was part of our training as "real kung fu men". If we were real kung fu men, when he told us the names of the form movements, we would never forget them. They would be so precious to us we would never let them get away.

I think he was lying. I think he did not want us writing down all the form names. He and the top students, Jeff and Lonnie, probably knew all the form names. At the time, with Mike being so money oriented, those form names to him were money in the bank. If we wrote them down, we could go show them to somebody or......who knows what crazy thoughts Mike had.

That was another thing that was a negative for me in my attitude towards Mike. I was his student for 3 years. I was devoted, I tried to do as instructed, I remained loyal in the face of everything. Yet he would not even provide a list of all of the form names, nor would he verbally recite them while we had pencil and paper so we could record them. He would only say them if we were practicing.

This might seem like complaining. Unless you are aware of various facts. Ba Gua, or any other internal martial art, directly affects your brain. As you perform the movements, your brain is changed.

We would perform the movements of a form. Mike would recite the names of the movements. By the end of the form, our brains were not the same as they were a few minutes earlier. They were changed. The relevant part is that this process would naturally affect your memory.

You would begin the form with your brain in one certain configuration. Mike would say the name of a movement. You would store that name in your memory. Then the remaining movements of the form were completed. Each of those succeeding movements would reach into your brain and twist and change the area of the brain where you had stored the name of the preceeding movement.

It was almost physically impossible to remember the names of the forms while performing them. Mike knew this. He knew that the brain that he told a form movement's name to at the beginning of the form would be completely changed by the end of the form. He knew that it was very hard to remember or think about anything at all while performing the movements.

Knowing that, then refusing to recite the names while we were setting down with a pencil and paper seemed to be nothing more than him refusing to help us.

That incident irks me even more when I see that now, years later, when I am guessing financial times are not so good, he has released books with these form names in them for any joe blow to buy for $20. We were paying him much more than that every single month and he would not recite the form names for us so we had time to record them, nor would he put them down in printed form and hand them out to us.

Getting ahead of myself

2006-09-05T19:40:00.000-07:00

A post or three back I talked about how the practice had moved from it's long time established spot to a new location 20 miles away. I am getting ahead of myself. I did not realize it until I posted about Tom.

I can't recall exactly what I said about Tom. I have had this nagging feeling I sounded harsh or rude. I need to clear that up.

Even though Tom was gay, and I felt it was strange to have this gay man in a group of heterosexual kung fu men, I didn't resent him or have other strong bad feelings towards him. Tom was a very nice guy. Friendly. He never said or did anything to me that gave me a reason to resent or dislike him.

What bothered me most I suppose was the fact that he was very old and in poor shape. Tom must have been in his 50's at least. His physical shape was very poor. He walked constantly hunched over. Tom was very tall, 6 feet and something. The hunching over posture he had made me feel uncomfortable. I wanted to go over and force him to stand up straight.

Tom had never done Kung Fu before. Yet here he was joining the group. For me it was about image. Mike had made it clear that image was important to him. He had apparenetly tried to rid himself of me a few times because I did not fit into the image he had of his group.

Yet here was a late 50's year old man, hunched over so bad he cannot stand up straight or walk properly, practicing Tai Chi and Ba Gua with us. People walking by would see all these young and healthy people doing exercises, and here would be this stand out person.

If Mike was truly as concerned about image as he acted, why would he allow that? Most real kung fu people who look at a class with old out of shape people think that the kung fu is for making money, not for learning kung fu. The instructor lets anyone join to make money, even old out of shape people.

My attitude was not helped by Tom's actions. I am guessing that as a millionaire, he did whatever he wanted. He was always the boss and was not accountable to anyone but himself. I do not know if this was the reason or not, but Tom, who had just been accepted and joined, begins to miss class. All the time. Not just once or twice but maybe 3 weekends out of the 4 in a month.

Again, who really cares? It was another example of Mikes deceit. For as long as I had been there, if a person did not make it to class, they were reprimanded. They were treated as if they should question whether they really wanted to be there. If they did not call to say they would not be there, they would be reprimanded even more.

Then in walks this millionaire in terrible physical shape, a man who needs discipline to get him into good physical shape, and he has the run of the class. He can come and go as he pleases. And Mike smiles that big Mike smile and says "Welcome back millionaire" every time Tom decides he can make it that month.

It was one of those insights I did not want to have. I was holding on to my angelic view of Mike with all my might. I had to beleive that he was what he said he was because I needed his help to cure my health problems. I believe all the family style, loyalty, doing what you are told, listening and thinking about what you are told, dignity, integrity....every single drop of it.

Then I personally witness Mike throw dignity and integrity out the window for the chance to hobnob with a millionaire. For the chance to gain access to and manipulate a man with large amounts of capital that Mike might have a future use for.

I felt dirty just thinking about it.

What a jerk you are!

2006-09-05T19:21:00.000-07:00

Here I am, blithely attending Ba Gua class, thinking everything is rosy. Looking forward to having my health problems cured. Feeling blessed I was allowed to join such an incredible group of individuals. Thinking how lucky I was to have the chance to learn Ba Gua.

It is time for a weekly men's meeting. This week it was over at Jeff's apartment. People arrive including me, Lonnie, Jeff, George and a few others. This incident may be old enough to have happened back when Arol and Tim were still around.

We were all standing around making some kind of small talk. Nothing significant. We sat down in a circle and got comfortable. There is something about sitting down in a circle with people that makes you feel comfortable and protected. Allowed to relax and let your guard down.

The conversation continued, whatever it was about. I have emphasized many times how I did not speak much so as to keep a low profile. If nobody knows you are are there, they cannot give you grief.

At this men's meeting I was feeling trusting. For some reason I was talking about something. I could not even guess at what it was. Some experience that had befallen me or something I had done. I felt I was reaching out to people and sharing my life with them. My opinion or my thoughts about something or the other.

I finish speaking about whatever it was. In one of those instances that Mike always referred to as "the spirit descending", Lonnie speaks up and says "I counted him saying "I" at least 8 times".

What was left unsaid but hanging their in mid air like a glowing neon sign was "The crummy jerk".

I was stunned. I hardly ever spoke out. To take a chance and expose myself, then to have a comment like that directed at me was like a knife to the heart. I had no idea what Lonnie was going on about. I only knew that in a group of 5 people, one of them picked me out and basically crapped all over me.

What could I say? I was ashamed as I was obviously supposed to be. Mostly because I did not understand what was happening. Why the comment had been made or the motivation for it. I could not become angry because Jeff in particular and maybe George both indicated their silent agreement with Lonnie's statement.

That incident points out how different realities can clash and be the source of hurtful misunderstandings. It also for me is one of the glaring things that I really did not like about Ba Gua or the people their.

All of the Ba Gua people watched every word and every movement a person made. That was not a big deal. It is part of being a kung fu man. But then they would assign all these motivations to whatever it was that had happened. Their conclusions were based on how they thought. And they thought really shitty.

It seemed like people would always assume the worst motivations for anyone in any situation. The people were greedy, venal, liars, unthinking, shortsighted. It was really ugly to be honest. These people who were talking about saving the world, many of whom were doctors treating patients everyday, assuming that the majority of the words coming out of the mouths of people were negative in the way described above.

----

When I was discussing whatever it was, I used the pronoun I just as I am in this blog. I am the person doing the talking. I am the person the events happened to. In school I was taught that the proper pronoun to use when referring to actions concerning yourself was "I".

----

The Ba Gua people? They had a completely different philosophy. To them, any person who used the pronoun "I" for any reason was a self centered person. They thought about themselves and held themselves as more important than anyone or anything else.

To them, when they heard me say "I" 8 times in my comments, I was bragging with every one of them. "I" did this! "I" did that.

What is so poisonous and so disgusting about that is I can see what they are thinking. In some situations and with some people, the use of the pronoun "I" is about bragging or self centeredness.

I do not see how they could have considered me bragging or self centered when I publically spoke in the class about once a month. If I was a bragging kind of person, I would have been more of a motor mouth like George or Steve or Arol or Tim or Peter or just about every other member of the group.

That incident made me retreat and hide from the group for a few months probably. At the time I felt like I was attacked for no reason. I can only describe what happened now, years later. At the time I didn't understand at all.

All I could think of was how these helpful people who were going to help me with my health problems were publically embarrassing me for relating an experince or opinion that had happened to me. An attempt to be friendly and open was met with a kick to the groin.

It's time to move!

2006-08-13T12:45:00.000-07:00

Guess what? Another entry about what now looks, years later, to be another plot.

All of this time, the first year or year and a half, we have been practicing in the park. The park was sort of central to the majority of students. Many students lived in the city. The ones that did not were spread around outside of the city in a vaguely circular way. They all had around the same distance to travel. Except for poor George and Patty. They had to drive 2 hours to get to class. I don't know how they did it.

I have detailed that I felt that I was being pushed out. I have described the large size of the class at around the year or year an a half mark. At least 35 and maybe more people. What I have not spoken of is the general class demeanor.

I described James as the troublemaker of the group. He would often challenge Mike on something or the other. The conversation would continue until James was basically told to shut up.

James and Peter had developed something of a friendship after Peter joined. They were both single men. I learned later that they went out looking for women together. I also wonder if they were the same religion. Peter was jewish. I wonder if James was also Jewish because there were some similarities in their appearances.

What I am leading up to of course is that Peter and James spent time talking to each other. And James was described as the class troublemaker.....so you can see where this is leading? I think James's attitude rubbed off on Peter. I say this because at some point in time, Peter began to question Mike.

Mike always encouraged questions. It was funny though. Everytime someone had a question, the session usually ended with the person being told to shut up, and the group breaking up immediately for physical practice. It looked like Mike asked for challenges, then broke up the group because someone really did challenge him.

I don't know if it was James and Peter, or maybe there were similar people among the women. I do know that the women also had begun to speak up and ask questions. If you have ever paid attention to group dynamics, the group had turned from a group with a focus and a purpose to a group with doubts and uncertainty. Nothing big like a crisis, just some low level bubbling kind of discontent.

At around this time it was suggested or stated that the Sunday morning practices were going to be moved. They would be at a location that was 25 to 30 miles away from the current location. That does not sound like much. Unless of course you do not own a car. Like me. That is the first thing I thought. The classes are moving and I will not be able to attend.

I know that some of the women were in the same position I was in. No car. I think all of the other men had a car. They were all upper class.

Besides the question of transportion was the distance involved. It was not just 20 or 25 miles to the new location. That translated to another 30 minutes of driving. The route to the new location was on a main highway that was frequently crowded with traffic.

Nothing about the move made sense. The majority of the people would have to travel an additonal 25 miles to the class. They would have to pay money for the gas. They would have to budget extra time for commuting. For the majority of the class, the move was an inconvenience.

I think that was the point.

I think this was the first step in Mike's plan to get rid of the dead wood. He was going to make the class more difficult to attend so that only the people that truly wanted to attend would spend the extra money and exert the extra effort to make it out to the new location.

The plan worked to some extent. I did notice a reduction in the class size after the move to the new location. I also noticed that the amount of absenteeism increased. People waking up on Sunday morning would realize they just could not make the class with the travel time required.

The gay guy

2006-08-13T12:12:00.000-07:00

What a title for a blog entry huh? I am embarrassed to say that I cannot remember his name right his minute.

I described previously how Mike explictly stated he wanted to be rich. He wanted to be millionaire. He talked about his plans on how he was going to be rich. When someone like me mentioned that did not seem like a proper goal for a person who wanted to save the world and teach spirituality, he told me it was not about the money, it was the challenge of it.

Hmmmph!

The park where we practised was an open park that was very busy. All kinds of people were always walking by. Thinking about it now, it is kind of amazing that we had the freedom and privacy to practice the way we did. No one ever bothered us.
I belive I mentioned that Peter had joined the group because he was walking in the park and saw us practicing. He stopped to talk to Mike about what was going on. Thinking the way I do now, when Mike heard that Peter was a lawyer, Mike must have though "money and status" and invited him to join.

That seems harsh except for one slight fact. I saw Mike do that with other people.

One day some old guy is walking by. I mean old. Like slouching over with gray hair old. He watches us for awhile and somebody speaks to him. Eventually Mike goes over to converse with him.

The next thing I know, we have a new student. This boggles my mind because I don't think we did an interview for him. Everyone else had been interviewed before being allowed to join. Then Mike says "This man is a member of the group". It was odd because it had never happened before.

Then we find out that this man is gay. That was very odd. No one else in the group was gay. Not among the men anyways. I think there were a few of the women who were gay. I understand that in today's world people are supposed to be understanding etc.
That makes no difference. If you are in close contact with a gay person and you are not gay, it can be an uncomfortable situation.

Here we are, a group of 6 or 7 straight guys and Mike brings in this gay guy. Of course no one said anything. What could we say? It was Mike's class. He could do what he wanted.

Hmmmm. I am wondering. The group might have interviewed him. I remember now. His name was Tom. We might have interviewed Tom. If we did, it happened over at Jeff's apartment. I think I can remember him walking in the door. He was very tall so he looked like he had to bend over to get through the door. I think I remember thinking "that old guy is really hunched over".

I won't swear to that though. I would have to check on it.

Anyways, I was talking about Mike's desire for money, and my suspicion that he allowed Peter to join because Peter was a lawyer. Peter had no martial arts training at all. With all the plots to try to get rid of me, and I had 10 years of martial arts experience, I could think of no other reason Mike would want Peter to join except for money. Maybe a social networking kind of thing if Mike ever needed a lawyer. Something you want to remember for later in this blog.

So we interviewed Tom and he passed of course. Mike was going to let him join anyways. Then at some point in time, you will never guess what we learned.

Tom was a millionaire. A real live honest to god millionaire.

I think Mike allowed the gay guy to join our heterosexual group because he was a millionaire. More opportunity for Mike. If Mike needed capital, his millionaire student Tom was right there.

Maybe I am wrong. I am wrong about lots of things. I am also right about a lot of things. Tom of course had no previous martial arts practice. I mentioned he was hunched over. His state of health was so poor that he needed to be in physical therapy, not a strenuous martial art.

I guess I was there for health problems to be cured. Maybe Mike felt he could cure Tom so Tom could stand up straight. I do not believe that because I do not beleive Tom felt he had a health problem. I doubt he was even consciously aware that he walked hunched over all the time.

The yearly dinner. On the outside again

2006-08-13T11:56:00.000-07:00

At some point in time it was announced it was time for the yearly dinner. Apparently the entire class, both men and women, would get together somewhere for lunch. A big family kind of thing.

This was when the class was very large. At least 35 people. Because the majority of the people were upper class, many of them had a spotty attendance. They might be out on business trips or could not get away from work or some other reason. The dinner was a chance to get all the people together at one time so everyone could visit and mingle.

The idea of a dinner petrified me. Literally. The thought of sitting at a table with all those people was hell. Going to Ba Gua was not a big deal. We listened to Mike speak, we did our exercises, we broke up into groups for our separate practice.

The idea of going to a dinner meant I would be forced to sit in one place for hours with no opportunity for escape. I could not stand the close presence of people at that time because of my health problems. There was also mental pressure involved.

I have related how Mike made a huge deal about separating the men and the women. He did this so much that I honestly got to the point where I felt like looking at the women was a bad thing to do. How silly and outrageous is that? If we all went to dinner, then I would of course be near the women, I would be looking at the women, I would be talking to the women.

It sounds totally stupid now, but I honestly became conflicted and tense at the thought of "breakin the rules". Looking at, being near to, or talking to the women. That gives you an idea of the kind of atmosphere Mike generated.

I didn't want anything to do with the dinner. It cost money also. At the time I was barely able to pay Mike. Going to a fancy dinner that might cost $60 or more dollars would literally put me in a bind with my bills. I knew I was not going to attend.

When it came time for people to say who would attend and who would not, I said I would not be attending. I didn't have the money, and honestly, I would feel uncomfortable. My reply was accepted without much of a response.

I did not think anything of it because there were other people who would not attend. People as I said who had to work or were out of town or whatever. I was avoiding an unpleasant for me social situation. I would not be inflicting my anxiety on people who gathered together for a good time.

Now, looking back, I can see it was one more thing that set me apart from the group. I never cared about that because as far as I was concerned, I was there to learn Ba Gua, cure my health problems and that was about it. I was not there to become part of a group of friends.

I failed to understand how people are. That I needed to be included in that group of friends for them to teach me properly or to honestly view me as one of them. I thought they could do what they said. Teach me how to repair my health, then we would part ways or stay together. Whatever it was that happened.

I found out that you had to part of the "in" group I suppose is a trite way to label it. You had to be amongst the group of professional bullshitters. I say that with some bitterness because all of the talking and friendliness they showed to each other and the world? I think it was baloney.

Many of the people in the class were health workers of some kind or another. Or they were involved in a people kind of field. It was the job of these people to be able to bullshit anyone and make them feel comfortable. That is an admirable skill to have and the intentions of employing that skill are good and honorable.

For me? I could only look at it one way. They were liars. They would tell people all kinds of good time stuff to make them relax and feel good. But they did not mean a word of it. It was all an act to accomplish some goal.

The thought of sitting at a dinner with all of these professional liars telling lies to each other and to me drove me nuts. I cannot stand lies and liars. I have this tendency to look people right in the face and say "you are a liar".

That is not usually a well received statement. People tend to get upset when you call them a liar, even if you caught them red handed in a lie.

It was best for me not to attend the dinner. Not to be put in that pressure situation that could only turn out badly for everyone. Even though in the long run, I would pay for not attending by becoming even more of an outsider than I already was.

Am I stubborn?

2006-08-13T11:34:00.000-07:00

So about now it looks like every action the Ba Gua group took was to get rid of me, doesn't it? Feels that way with all the posts I have made lately. Funny how you can be blind to something because you trust people. I just could not believe the family style, loyal, integrity Ba Gua people would underhandedly, sneakily and treacherously try to get rid of one of their own members. They could and did do everything to try to get rid of me. I couldn't see it because I did not beleive they were bad people.

That was not the only reason of course. Yumiko, the woman who first introduced me to Mike, swore he was like a god on earth. She did not say that of course. That is the impression I received. I respected Yumiko so much that any odd things happening in Ba Gua? It had to be me. If I thought people wanted to get rid of me, it had to be in my head. Yumiko said Mike was the greatest person she ever knew. A person like that could not behave the way I suspected.

There was also another office visit that encouraged me to believe things were fine. I will say that I do believe that Mike honestly tried to work with me at the office. Maybe I am a fool, but it felt like he wanted to do good for me.

We were speaking about something or the other. Somehow the subject of relationships with the other members came up. I think I might have mentioned I did not feel close to the other members. They were fellow students, but not my personal friends. The subject might have been why I did not engage in small talk with people.

I say this because since the other members were much closer to Mike than I was, they must have either known, or been told, or guessed that Mike wanted to get rid of me. I have to wonder if they all wanted to get rid of me.

Previously I detailed how there had been plots to get rid of me. This implies that of course the other members knew that Mike wanted to get rid of me. To my way of thinking at the time, they were all robots doing what Mike wanted. Either willingly or because Mike was marionetting them. They had no personal antipathy towards me.

Now I wonder if the other students took Mike's attitude personal. I wonder if any of them personally wanted to get rid of me. The reason for that suspicion will come much later in this narrative.

The reason that I bring it up now is because it is related to what happened in the office that day. After I said I wasn't comfortable with the other people, or whatever it was the conversation was about, Mike very clearly said

"You don't have to be friends with the other students. You have a relationship with me. I am the teacher. I am the only one you need to have a good relationship with"

Mike very plainly told me that my relationships with the other students did not matter. As clear as it is possible to say it. I do not understand how Mike or the other students could hold it against me that I was silent and reserved. Mike said it didn't matter how I acted. The only thing that mattered was my personal relationship with him.

Now that I think about it, the conversation may have been "why was I uneasy in class". I told Mike I was standoffish and aloof because I was uneasy. It sounds right that he would then ask me why I was uneasy, then I would say because I did not have friendships with the other students.

Writing that makes me think of something else. Here I was in Mike's office and he was asking me why I was uneasy and standoffish. That makes no sense. When I originally joined, I clearly told Mike that I was sick from performing kung fu incorrectly. I also felt I was sick from performing breathing exercises incorrectly. My health problems and my behavior difficulties were both due to incorrect practice of kung fu.

Yet here we are, I have been in Ba Gua for a year or so, and Mike is asking my why I am uneasy. To my way of thinking, he should be telling me why I was uneasy. He should have been saying "the incorrect practice of kung fu affected your body in this and that way, causing you to feel stress in the presence of others".

At some point along the way, I don't know when, Mike seemed to have forgotten that I was a student in his class because I had health problems I was seeking relief from. Somewhere along the way, Mike decided or became convinced or assumed I was there to learn his style of Ba Gua. Period. Nothing more.

I know I did nothing to give him this idea. After 1 year at Ba Gua I still had the health problems from practicing Kung Fu incorrectly that I had when I started.

You have to be straight before you can be circular

2006-08-08T10:04:00.000-07:00

In the 3 years I spent with Mike, I probably learned 10 things that were worthwhile. Mike never taught me any of these things. They were all things that he taught to the group at large. He focused on the people he wanted to teach while I and the other people stood on the outside and watched.

I think Mike's arrogance caused him to make a mistake. From his point of view. I have related how I kept a very small profile in the group to avoid giving Mike a reason to actively confront me. The act worked. Mike accepted that I was worthless and hopeless. This caused his urge for secrecy to slip one or two or three times so I was able to actually learn something.

Mike was very secretive about stuff. He basically taught Jeff and Lonnie, then whichever of the women was his current favorite. The rest of us were there, but he never paid any real attention to us. We were hopeless in his eyes. And there was a group of 30 women 100 feet away that would fawn all over him. What choice would you make?

I have described how the Sunday classes started out withe the Ba Dua Jin exercises for warm ups. Then the entire class performed Tai Chi. Then we separated into groups for Ba Gua practice.

Mike NEVER taught the Tai Chi in class. In 3 years, only towards the very end did he even make an attempt to talk to us individually about Tai Chi. His attitude was that anyone joining the class could follow along.

Now that I think about it, that was a load of bullshit.

Mike met the women every week at some private meeting. During these meetings with the women, he taught them the Tai Chi. He worked with them on it so they could learn it.

Lonnie already knew Tai Chi. Jeff was of course a quick study and picked it up right away. George, James, Steve, and Peter were friends on a personal basis. They would see each other outside of class so they could work with each other.

Jeff and Lonnie of course mimiced Mike. They would not teach or talk about the Tai Chi to the rest of us. They would be polite and smile and make comments. But they never really helped or taught.

What does all that mean? It means that basically I was the only one not recieveing helpful instruction in Tai Chi. I think about that now and shake my head at the rudeness of it. I knew it back then. It was one of the things I ignored like the traps set up to get me to leave. It was just another rude act that was supposed to irk me so I would leave.

I would never leave. I knew Mike was good and he knew stuff. They would have to pick me up and toss me out to make me leave. At the time I really was that kung fu student that would endure any treatment in order to learn kung fu. Just like in the movies.

Luckily, as I described previously, I was taking Tai Chi somewhere else. People that truly wanted to teach and help others taught free classes. These people were not super Tai Chi people, but than neither was the Ba Gua group. Only Mike was the real Tai Chi guy. The master of these free lessons was just as good as Mike. For some reason, he taught free and truly helped people while Mike hid stuff, refused to teach, ignored the students he wanted to ignore.

It was quite a lot to accept from Mike after all of his talk about integrity, loyalty and family style.

I probably had more practice and learning from those free lessons than any of the Ba Gua people did in paid for Ba Gua classes. We had lessons on weekends and during the week. The free guy had about5 or 6 senior students as helpers. These people would walk around and actually try to help. They would talk to you. They would correct you. They would demonstrate for you. A really really nice group of people.

I learned the Yang form from these people. The man's name was Bill Chen. He deserves to be named for being an example of what Mike only talked about.

Bill Chen's style of Tai Chi was a soft style. Or at least that is what he taught for free. I never personally had anything to do with him so I cannot say if he was hiding stuff. At the time, I could not justify to myself being a Ba Gua student loyal to Mike, and also devoting the time to Mr Chen for his style. I had the opportunity to join private classes with Mr Chen's private group. At the time it seemed disloyal to the Ba Gua class.

Soft styles of Tai Chi are often derided. They are said to be for exercise. That they do not truly teach Tai Chi for fighting.

You know what? It hardly matters. The number of people I have seen over the years in kung fu classes that actually got into a fight is less than 5% of the total. Most people will get all the benefit they want out of an "exercise" style of Tai Chi.

What has happened is that there are many people lying about martial arts in the modern day. They are doing this because they want people to believe that kung fu is fake. That it was all movies. That is a political and sociological discussion that doesn't really belong here.

Soft style Tai Chi can be used to develop incredible strength. It can be used for fighting. The practitioner has to understand what is happening though.

Traditionally, a kung fu man would probably perform external martial arts for the first part of their career. Later on they would then change to internal martial arts such as Tai Chi. External martial arts are associated with hardness. Internal martial arts are associated with softness.

If you truly ponder this for a minute and think of the implications, you will see something very important. The top kung fu men only became soft AFTER they had spent years being hard. The importance of this cannot be overemphasized.

The process is like gardening. If you have ever worked in a garden, you know that growing plants grow everywhere. They go where they want to. A gardener will put a wooden trellis or support in the garden to train the plants. The soft plants will grow over the hard wooden trellis and stay in the desired shape.

This is what is happening in kung fu. The kung fu man makes himself a hard wooden trellis in the first part of his life. Then he changes to the soft growing plant in the later part of his life. Underneath, deep down inside of his body though, the hard wooden trellis part is still there. The developing soft part of his body grows over the hardness his body already possesses.

What has happened in the modern day is that people no longer do the hard work. A person will go to a soft Tai Chi style and they never become good fighters becuase they do not possess the underlying hard strength. People are no longer farmers or hard laborers. Most modern people are desk job workers. When these people take a soft style of Tai Chi, it does work, but not in the way it was intended to.

Which leads us to one of the things I learned from Mike. One day in class Mike says, "You have to be straight before you can be circular". It was one of the godly pronouncements that Mike liked to make. He didn't say anything else. Didn't explain any further. That one sentence and that was it.

Good thing I am smart. I figured out what he meant. In spite of the fact that he thought I was a loser he wanted to get rid of.

Class in general turned out funny that way. All the people Mike kept close to himself? I don't know if any of them really learned anything.

Me? The guy he wanted to get rid of? I actually figured out some of the reality about kung fu. And I did it based on about 10, sentence long comments like the one above.

Sounds like bragging doesn't it? In a way it is. And in a way it is defiance and pride. Mike made it clear he did not respect me. I probabaly paid him 4000 or 5000 dollars over those 3 years so I could tag along with the others and be ignored and looked down on.

In spite of that morally wrong treatment, I have taken what I figured out on my own and written some inexpensive books that attempt to teach people. Instead of paying 4000 or 5000 over 3 years for 10 sentences, a person can pay $20 for one of my 90 page books and learn more about kung fu than I ever did from Mike.

I will state up front that my books are difficult to understand. Not much more difficult than understanding a man from a foreign culture who provides information in crptic single sentences.

One of these days, if someone asks me, maybe I will write down exactly what it is that Mike meant by "You have to be straight before you can be circular"

Where did the poles go?

2006-08-02T08:34:00.000-07:00

One day Mike brought some poles to class. He was going to teach some kind of pole drills. The poles were beautiful. About 6 feet long and 2 or 3 inches around. The wood was heavy and dark. They fit perfectly in the hands. The poles would be great for working out because they were so heavy.

Mike showed us some drills. Nothing fancy. Basically some strengthening drills. Holding the pole down low in front of us, then bringing it up to chest level while holding it level. It was a difficult exercise because of the weight and length of the poles. They wanted to dip at the far end.

Then he showed us some drills about punching or striking with the poles. The idea was to poke the pole straight forward into some small area. We did it in the air for practice. You could do it with a ball tied on a rope or maybe a poke the pole through a hoop that was mounted on something.

I liked the drill and I thought the poles were the greatest. I had watched various movies with guys using poles. They always looked exciting. I would be happy to learn how to use a pole like that.

Mike brought the poles to class a couple of times. Different people would borrow them to practice at home. Because I always kept quiet, everyone else was taking the poles home to practice with. After awhile everyone had taken the poles home at least once. I figured it was about time I had a turn. I asked to take one home and it was no problem.

That was a day that I walked to the class. That meant I had to walk back to the house with the pole. I didn't think anything of it. I was a kung fu guy with the pole I was taking home to practice with. I was dressed in black pants and a white shirt that sort of looked like a kung fu outfit.

By the time I began to walk home, it was late in the afternoon. It was hot and the park was full of people. I am obliviously walking down the sidewalk with this big six foot pole. I thought nothing of it. In the city I live in, you see everything. I mean everything. I didn't stand out at all in my own mind.

I think I must have been on the receiving end of a few looks. I never saw a one because in my head what I was doing was completely normal behavior. I had a pole. I had to walk home. I was walking home with the pole.

I approach a bench with a bunch of guys sitting on it. What happens next is not what you think is going to happen. They did not jump up and challenge me to a fight. They did not say "tough guy" or any other aggressive fighting situation where I got to heroically defend myself with the pole.

You want to know what happened? One of the guys says "I want you to hit me with your pole". He was serious. He was a gay guy and all the guys on the bench were gay.

I just kept walking. I was naive then. To hear an adult man say out loud that he wanted an S & M beating from a stranger walking down the street with a stick was shocking. Mentally shocking. I think if they had tried to beat me up, I would not have reacted much at all. I would have expected or been used to that. But that crazy comment? Wow. I was mentally messed up all the way home.

I practice with the pole for the next week or two. Then I take the pole back to class. When I got there I sat it down on the ground with some other stuff. Anyone who wanted to use it was free to pick it up. I had borrowed it and returned it as far as I was conconcerned. We finished practice that day and went home.

The next week people are asking "Where is the pole". No one can find the pole. People are talking amongst each other about who borrowed it when etc. I said I had borrowed it but I returned it the previous week. Everyone is looking at me. It really felt like persecution. I don't know if they thought I was lying so I could keep the pole or what.

I started to get resentful. I repeated that I know for a fact that I returned the pole and I layed it down on the ground. I never looked at it again.

At this point it is becoming obvious the pole is gone. That is something. The pole belongs to Mike. He brought it from Hong Kong. He allowed us to use it to practice with and now it is gone? Because no one in this group of adults was responsible enough to keep track of it.

They all begin to look at me. As if it is my fault the pole is gone. What can I say? I borrowed it and I returned it to the class in the community property area. I expected one of the other students to take it to borrow it, or to return it to Mike, or for Mike himself to take it.

By this time, after a year or more in class, it was accepted that I was the low man on the totem pole. I was the guy who did not talk much with the health problems. The guy who was not really friendly. It was easy to pick me out especially since I had the pole the previous week.

I still don't know what to say about the situation. Should I have followed Mike or someone else to make sure they picked up the pole? From my perspective, I was low man on the totem pole. If even I could take the pole and return it to the community property area, demonstrating my responsibility, surely the guys who were so much better than me could demonstrate superior responsibility and keep track of the pole.

It was a real shame. That pole was nice. I know that some people in the group were wondering if someone took the pole home and kept it. That was something I should have paid more attention to at the time. If everyone was so wonderful and the group was so great, why would some members suspect other members of stealing a pole?

I think people were careless. I think at the end of class everyone picked up their stuff and expected someone else to get the pole. Then a homeless person or someone came along and picked it up.

But instead of thinking that, some people in class thought another member might have stolen it. I hate to say it but I think James was the prime suspect. After me maybe. James was troublesome. To think he would steal something like that pole? I would never think that in a million years.

Maybe I was naive.

The center

2006-08-02T08:25:00.000-07:00

During the Sunday talks, Mike's chatting began to take on more and more grandiose tones. "The Ba Gua group needed to work on saving the world", he said. That was a laudable goal that everyone agreed with.

Mike began to talk of opening up a center. He wanted a Ba Gua school or center or something similar. As described long ago, Mike met with the women every week. He was doing this and that with them. While talking about the school, he made it sound like he and the women had talked all about it and had real goals.

Of course we men had no clue what was going on. Mike went to the women's meetings. They did who knows what. Once in awhile Mike would say something about it. For a family style that was supposed to be open, there was a lot of secrecy.

At this time the group was large. I want to say at least 40 people. I have talked about how I thought Mike was trying to push me out. I wonder if he was also trying to push others out. I wonder if 40 people was too many. His greed got the better of him when signing them up. When it came to the demands all those people placed on him, it was too much.

Mike could keep a small group complacent. He could control them. 40 must have been the limit of his ability to control. It was time for trimming.

All of that is hindsight.

During the talk of the center, Peter jumps up and volunteers. Peter is a lawyer so the idea of dealing with the paperwork for a center is his area of interest. One of the women whose name I cannot remember offered to look for a place. She might have been a real estate agent or in the field. There was some reason she stepped forward.

After some more talking it was agreed that the woman and Peter would work together in looking for the center. Mike was standing back and letting them do what they were going to do. Peter and the women were excited that they were in charge of an important project for the group. They were excited they were doing something personally for Mike.

Little did they know that it was all a trap. Or so it seemed later on.

Why do you see me?

2006-08-02T08:07:00.000-07:00

This is when I finally got a clue that something might be going on. I had thought that previous events seemed weird. I never thought that Mike might be trying to push me out because his entire Ba Gua style was about loyalty, integrity, family style, dignity and the proper way to behave. There was no way a man like that would push away a person he had accepted as a student. A person who was obviously in a poor state of health.

This was another of the office visits. Remember when I described how Mike had manipulated my jealousy of Brad so that I started the office visits? Now I wonder if the reason he wanted me to visit his office was so he could put more pressure on me. We did not speak in the Sunday classes much. He could set up traps or other situations. He could not get in my face and push.

As far as I recall, I was happy and ready for the meeting. I felt uncomfortable as I described previously because I did not like the idea of a psychology kind of appointment. In spite of that, after going for a month or so, I began to feel closer to Mike and the group as a whole. After a year or so in class and never speaking to Mike except to say hello or respond to a question or small talk, sitting in the office over an hour for a month or so made the relationship seem closer.

One thing I have learned from life. When you feel like that? Feel good about things? The hammer is coming. You are being set up.

I am sitting there blithely thinking good thoughts and Mike says "Why do you come to me?". My heart sank and my blood ran cold. That was a pretty direct challenge. To me, the reason was obvious. I came for the same reason I joined in the first place. I was sick from doing Wing Chun and Chi Gung improperly. I felt I needed a skilled and/or talented person to explain to me what had happened and how to correct it.

If the answer was so obvious, why was Mike asking me? That is what made my blood run cold. The only thing I could think of was that he was going to tell me I did not need to be there. I did what I always did when a verbal trap was being set. I shut up. If you do not say anything, there is no handle for the other person to grab you with.

Mike says "Chris is not with me anymore." I sat there and looked at him. Mike says "He felt he did not need me and left. I do not have any contact with him at all". I sat there and looked at him.

Obviously Mike was telling me that after Chris learned what Mike had, he walked away and that was that. Mike was implying I could do the same thing.

I did not say "Lonnie, George, Jeff, Steve, Peter and James are all still students. They all learned what Chris learned. Why are you not focusing on the students that learned what you had to teach, then remained loyal and continued to stay with you?".

After that there was no way around it. I thought that Mike wanted to get rid of me. That really hurt. I was not a problem. I was quiet and did what I was told. I may not have been social or friendly but I was not a problem. Of the other men in the group, George, Peter and Steve had never studied kung fu before they met Mike. I had been practicing kung fu for 10 years when I joined Ba Gua. In my mind, there was no way that Mike could say I was not prepared for the class if those other three men who had no previous training at all were prepared.

To me it stunk of favoritism. Lonnie and Jeff were both good at kung fu. There was no doubt they would remain students. George and Steve were both brown nosers. They would crawl up Mike's behind and camp out if that is what Mike wanted. Peter was also a brown noser, but not to the same extent.

I did not think about it at the time. I wonder if Peter was allowed to join because he was a lawyer. A lawyer meant money to Mike. You sill see a pattern if you hang around to read the blog. Even though Peter was not a brown noser to the extent Steve and George were, his money or status was enough for Mike to accept him.

I was resentful. Mike was obviously picking me out to push away. That was not fair for the reason I stated above. I fully believed Mike about family style, dignity, loyalty and integrity. Even if he was just saying words to extract money from people, I wanted to believe in that kind of live and those kinds of people. There was no way I would voluntarily leave people who claimed to be dignified, had integrity, were loyal and believed in the family.

Instead of pushing me away with his talk about Chris, Mike turned my resolve to stay at Ba Gua into concrete and steel. I would never leave Ba Gua if I could help it. I would do any training that was recommended. I would do what was required of me. I would prove that I did belong in the group. Especially if people like Peter, George and Steve were welcomed with opened arms.

Time is changing the narrative

2006-08-02T08:02:00.000-07:00

I was thinking the other day that there has been a lot of focus on the various attempts to encourage me to move on. When all of these incidents happened years ago, I had no clue. I thought someone odd was happening. I never believed then that Mike might have wished I was somewhere else.

Now, in the course of writing down what happened and seeing all the events together, it has been hard to see anything other than attempts to encourage me to move on. That has been so shocking to me that I think I am changing what happened and coloring what happened then with my attitudes from now.

I found myself thinking that from the last few entries it looks like everything was about trying to get rid of me. That is how I am thinking now, looking back. I didn't really have a clue. Yet.

I am feeding you

2006-07-31T11:26:00.000-07:00

Here we are at the office again for the weekly meeting. I settle in and make myself comfortable. The usual small talk ensues.

Then Mike says, "Why do you think we have the Sunday talks before practice?". I thought that was an odd question. It put me immediately on my guard. Mike gave a talk before every class. It would last anywhere up to an hour depending on what was going on. The talk would be about Ba Gua or about what the plans were for the group or about things relating to individuals in the group. He knew that. I knew that. What was his motivation for asking such an obvious question?

I responded what I said above. That I thought it was Mike giving us instructions about Ba Gua or about other things pertinent to learning Ba Gua or the goals of the group.

Mike looks at me and say "I am feeding you".

I felt like I immediatly went hazy. I was filled with anger and rejection. At the time, I was very big on independence. I would never put myself in a position where I would be indebted to someone. I would never take something from a person that I could not return.

At the time my focus was also on making myself a strong and independent person. The health problems I had from Wing Chun had forced me to seek out doctors and other people to help remedy the problems. I did not like that even though a doctors job is to help people. They are supposed to freely and willingly perform this job. As a person with a health problem, it would be normal and expected for me to seek out a doctor.

I resented this. I resented my health problems for forcing me to ask others for assistance. When Mike said "I am feeding you", it felt like there was an unspoken "and you owe me" behind it.

I did not understand what Mike meant when he said he was feeding us. He did not say "OK. On sunday, this is what I am going to do. Is that OK with you? Do you have a problem with that?".

I almost felt like I kicked out at him because my rejection was so strong. That is not an idle observation. Once you begin to understand about energy, you will understand that Mike literally saw me kick out with rejection.

That is important because it shows my honesty. If I was being dishonest and trying to take from Mike, when he made his statement, I might have calmly and verbally denied it. I was a dishonest person so I could continue to be dishonest and make up lies.

When I literally kicked out in rejection at his statement, he knew without a doubt that I either did not know what he was talking about, or that I honestly in my heart was angry at the suggestion that I was somehow taking something from him.

After the emotion got out of the way, what really bothered me was the fact that I was beholden to Mike. If Mike was feeding us energy on Sundays, and that was the reason that we wanted to attend class. Not because we wanted to learn Ba Gua, his actions made no sense.

Mike was secretive about everything. Even though he talked every Sunday, he never really said anything about energy or how it works or how to gain it or anything. Most of the talking was about character or some of the other things previously mentioned.

To me, if Mike was unhappy that people came to him for energy, why didn't he teach them to make their own energy so they would not need to go to him? It seems so obvious. It is the thing I wanted.

I wanted to be independent and not need the help of doctors anymore. Mike seemed to be telling me that I was at Sunday class because I wanted him to feed me energy. I didn't consciously know I was doing that nor did I want to do that. I wanted Mike to teach me how to make energy so I could regain my health and become an independent person.

The rest of the meeting was mostly ruined after that. I was so angry and emotional and resentful I don't think I heard a another word.

Himmler

2006-07-21T10:35:00.000-07:00

I am at another one of the early office visits. We have settled in while exchanging small talk and pleasantries.

I have described how during the regular weekly lessons Mike would talk to us for an hour or so. I would write down just about everything he said. I thought I was being diligent at the time. I didn't know I was compulsively writing things down as part of my health problems.

At the office, Mike says something about the fact that I write everything down. I tell him yes I do. I was proud of the fact that I was diligent. I felt it demonstrated my sincerity in learning. While we were in the weekend circles, I would look around and see people who to me seemed to have drifted off into never never land. They were day dreaming about something or the other. I felt my diligence in recording what Mike said demonstrated I was more sincere in learning than these other people.

Mike looks at me and says "You know that Himmler was always writing things down don't you?.

I was totally astounded. I could not believe Mike had said what he just did. If you do not know, Himmler was a Nazi in WWII who was close to Hitler. He was charged with responsibility for many bad things. His personality was also trashed thoroughly. Acccusing him of this and that psychological problems etc.

What Mike had just done was indirectly accuse me of being like a Nazi war criminal. I was utterly speechless. Here is this man who is supposed to be helping me. Disregarding his obligations to me, he was a doctor. How could any doctor justify telling a person with a health problem that they were similar to a Nazi war criminal?

I was dumbfounded. Mike decided I was stupid. He had a habit of doing that. It was funny in a way. Mike always told us to be quiet and listen. I was quiet and never said anything. Then he decided my silence was a result of stupidty, instead of reaction to his recommendations.

Mike looks at me and says "You know who Himmler was right?"

I looked at him and said "Yes I know who Himmler is". What could I do? Shout at him for daring to make such an accusation? Make sarcastic comments about him? Deride his abilities as a health professional?

No matter how I reacted, I would look bad. There would be negative energy between us. Any way that I denied what Mike said, Mike could turn it around and say that I was disobeying him or being disrespectful. He could then use that as a lever to try to push me away. That is how he works.

The only thing I could do was sit there and not say a word. I could not ask Mike why he was so uncomfortable with me writing while he was speaking? I could hardly ask Master Mike if I made him nervous by writing down what he said. I could not remark that nervous people usually struck out at the people who made them nervous.

I had to sit there and simmer. It really made me physically sick when he said that. It was one of the first times I realized that Mike did not know me at all. That he assumed I was stupid or uneducated. That kind of sick where your heart and your stomach hurt.

At that point in time I still believed what Mike said instead of what he did. In the group meetings, he spoke about family style, loyalty, integrity, dignity, rigtheousness and many other positive and admirable ideas. That is what I heard and I believed it in my heart.

So when Mike made comments like this Himmler comment, which in retrospect looks like another attempt to anger me and drive me away, I was incapable of seeing it for what it was. I was not stupid. It was impossible for this man who publically said his system was about family style and loyalty to be making cutting, sarcastic or hurtful remarks to try to drive a family member away. It went against everything he said he stood for.

Mom

2006-07-21T10:12:00.000-07:00

Here I am at one of the office visits again. It is one of the first few visits. At this time my health problems are still causing me lots of trouble. I am still desperate to find some kind of relief. I am willing to do just about anything or put up with just about anything.

I also had a stars in my eyes kind of attitude towards kung fu. I had watched lots of kung fu films and I had a strong affinity for the "student obeying the master" kind of idea. I had a tendency towards doing just about anything I was told to do or asked to do because I myself felt it was the right thing to do.

Mike wants to know something about my background. My relationship with my parents, do I have any siblings, what are my relationships with them, etc. I didn't like that kind of stuff because it felt like cut and dried psychiatrist talk out of a college book.

I thought psychology was baloney as I have stated before. I had no urge to visit a psychologist or ask one for help. Dealing with these questions was a situation where I, the student, did what the master, Mike, asked my too. I thought it was stupid.

I tell Mike that I didn't get along too well with my Mom. Mike tells me I need to call her up and tell her I care about her. I am thinking "Oh jeez. This is so trite. I cannot believe I am here for Chi Gung sickness and mike is telling me to tell my mother that I love her".

I really thought it was stupid. It even find it embarrassing to discuss because the situation shows my poor judgement. I knew the suggestion was psychological claptrap. I knew that it would have no affect on my physical ailments. I would still have anxiety and heart trouble, trouble breathing and being around people. I would still be incredibly tense all the time and never comfortable.

Nevertheless, I said I would do it. I go home and make the phone call. It is an out of the blue call to my mother. I am sort of emotional when I say it because I felt that is what Mike wanted. He was acting like some big emotional catharsis would magically make my physcial symptoms go away.

I am sorry to report that it didn't. I called mom. Told her I loved her. The next day I still had the physical symptoms of Chi Gung sickness. I still had them the next week and at the end of the month.

I felt really stupid. I didn't get along so well with my mother. I did not really want to make that phone call but I did on Mike's advice.

Now, looking back at it, I can see Mike was just passing on something he learned in a book. He did not honestly believe it would make any difference in my health. It was just something he could tell me to do so it looked like he was doing something for me.

I will say something from Mike's perspective. Since it is probably him forcing me to do it. ;)

Mike believes that emotions strongly impact the body. I believe that also. He might have told me to tell my mother I loved her from the point of view of removing an emotional blockage or obstruction.

His thinking might have been that once the feelings involved between myself and my mother were removed, then my health problems would resolve themselves. His attitude may have been that the health problems were caused by or exacerbated by the emotional blockage caused by my negative feelings toward my mother.

I understand what Mike was thinking if that was his point of view. I can understand that what he recommended might help some people in some situations. Removal of an emotional blockage can help relieve a physical health problem.

That approach would not work for me because that was not the source of my problems. The source of my problems was incorrect practice of kung fu, chi gung and breathing exercises. I needed some kind of physical relief for my physical symptoms.

I am not a personal trainer

2006-07-18T11:05:00.000-07:00

The psychological appointments were turning out just as I expected. I am not certain of the time frame of this one, but it connects perfectly with the previous blog entry about "what makes a teacher a teacher".

I go to the office and we settle in for the visit. There is small talk of this and that. Nothing substantial. During these visits, I took the tack of remaining as silent as possible. A psychologist works by getting you to talk, then dismantling the thoughts behind your words. Because Mike was a martial artist, he was a master at this.

I knew that if I said a word, Mike would find some way to use it against me. The less I said, the fewer weapons he would have to use against me. Basically what Mike and other psychologists do is take over control of your body. They use the methods they have learned to destroy the person you are. How you think of yourself etc. Then they insert their own views of what it good.

The only way to deal with a martial artist or a psychologist is to refuse to speak. You will find this defense mechanism throughout Asia. People will refuse to speak on the most innocuous things because anything can be used as a weapon against them.

Anytime you meet a person who refuses to talk about anything, even simple things, they are probably motivated by this kind of reasoning. Refusing to give out personal information so they can avoid being mentally attacked.

Of course this made things kind of uncomfortable. Mike knew I viewed him in an adversarial way. He understood I did not trust psycholgists and did not really understand why I needed to be there in order to learn Ba Gua or to regain my health. During the initial visits, most of the time was spent with Mike talking and me sitting there nodding my head.

It was not too bad. It is natural for a student to sit and listen while the instructor speaks. The student is not supposed to interrupt and speak out. I felt comfortable with my role of not speaking. I did not feel malicious or troublemaking.

I am sitting there feeling like things are OK. Listening to whatever it was Mike was saying. Then like a voice from the heavens that seemed to come from nowhere, I hear

I AM NOT A PERSON TRAINER!

I looked at Mike like, "What the heck was that". He didn't say anything more. It was more of the psychological games. Say something to see how I reacted.

I didn't understand what was going on. That thought seemed to come out of nowhere. It had the power of some kind o prophetic announcement. I felt like something very important had just been said.

I also felt like it was a trap. I didn't know what Mike meant by "a personal trainer". There was no doubt that he was sneering at them. Whatever it was he meant by personal trainer, it was bad. What could I say? I knew in my heart that if I said the wrong thing, something very very bad was going to happen.

So I kept my mouth shut and said nothing. If Mike wanted to further explain himself, then he could. We both sat there looking at each other saying nothing. Apparently I won because Mike eventually began speaking again about something else.

Looking back on that situation? I just dodged a bullet again. I think that was another attempt by Mike to get rid of me.

By saying he was not a person trainer, it would be natural for me to say "What do you mean Mike?". Mike could then say "Having to tell someone the same thing twice is what a personal trainer does. You have to be told things twice. I am not a personal trainer".

The way that the changes that make a person a superior person work, if Mike had said those words above to me, I would almost have had no choice but to leave. If I was a good person, and Mike told me he had to tell me things twice, and Mike never told things people twice, I would be a bad person if I forced Mike to keep me as a student.

Isn't that crazy? That is how psychologists and martial artists work.

About the only escape route available from that situation was to keep my mouth shut. Me, the unhealthy guy with not very good martial arts training did the only thing that could possibly defend me in that situation. Keeping my mouth shut.

It worked. When I did not fall into the trap, Mike was forced to move on in the conversation.

Mike did score a hit on me that day though. Before I had wondered if he was trying to get rid of me. After that day, I felt certain that Mike was looking for an excuse to ask me to go. Because I was still unhealthy, and because I knew without a doubt that Mike could cure me if he could only be bothered to, I resolved to never say another word if I could get away with it. I would never give Mike a handle with which he could grab me and try to get me to leave.

Was that bad of me? I was a sick person who was desperate. I honestly felt like I was close to death. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that Mike could cure me if he wanted to.

Would you voluntarily walk away knowing you might end up dead if this man did not cure you first? Would you be willing to put up with rudeness or being ignored if you thought that in the end you would be paid off and your health problem would be cured?

I obviously thought it was. No way was I going to voluntarily leave. Especially after paying fees for a year or more. By that time I felt like I was owed being cured since I had being paying for so long. I was not going to leave until I recieved what I paid for.

James is wide open

2006-07-18T10:24:00.000-07:00

When is a teacher a not a teacher? What makes a teacher a teacher? I was raised with the attitude that a teacher is somebody who tells you how to do things right. They watch you can guide you. They correct you as necessary. If there were problem students in a class, the teacher was supposed to help that problem student repeatedly, even if they had already helped them once.

One of the things about experiencing life is realizing that people can have totally different ideas about life for very good reasons. It is easy to grow up thinking that if someone has a different opinion or attitude towards something, it is for a not very good reason. They are not smart, they are emotional....something like that.

Perhaps it is a cultural attitude I have. As a citizen of the USA I have been raised with the "White technological man knows best" kind of attitude.

The questions are necessary background for this story about James.

As you may recall, James was a british man who was tall. About 6 feet 2 inches or so. He was thin and lanky with a mop of curly hair on top. James was a character. In my experience, Europeans seem to raise boys into men while Americans raise boys into larger boys. There was no doubt James was an independent man.

I wrote earlier about how James has the reputation as the trouble maker in the class. He never really made trouble. It was just that in a group of people who thought of themselves as something like Churchgoers, anyone who did something as innocuous as stepping on the wrong blade of grass was a troublemaker.

James actually questioned Mike. I think James did that because James was a European adult instead of a large American child like the other men. It was always entertaining when this happened because many of the times I agreed with James. I would never speak out on my own because I did not want to become a target for comments about whether or not I belonged.

I always wondered how Mike felt about this. The way that Mike thinks, James was challenging him. James was challenging what was being said. In a way, every conversation in which two people have a difference of opinion is a challenge.

Mike took this as a challenge to his authority. It was kind of like watching a balloon blow up. James would ask his question. Mike would calmly handle it. James would follow up. Mike would deal with that too. James would, quite naturally in my opinion, push his own position. As he did, Mike would slowly start to blow up. He literally looked like he was getting larger.

When I say he was getting larger, I do not mean he doubled in size or something large like that. I mean that his body posture began to open outwards. What was happening was that his reaction to James question was causing Mike to lose his ground. As Mike lost his ground, he began to float upwards. He looked like he was getting bigger and floating away.

At this point Mike would cut James off. And I mean cut him off. The kind of cut off where, no matter what the words were coming out of the mouth, the intent behind it was that of a dog barking "You better shut the hell up".

I always wondered if Mike carried this with him. A low level rejection or dislike of James because James challenged him. It would be a natural thing to do. As a teacher accepting money from a student, he should disregard that kind of feeling. Or he should tell the student he can no longer deal with him because he is angry at him.

I wondered if Mike carried the bad feelings around with him because in my judgement, Mike purposefully allowed James to practice incorrectly. Mike would purposefully not tell James something or answer a question James might have. I thought to myself that those actions must be motivated by Mike having a negative attitude towards James.

Then one day an event occurred that crystallized all of those thoughts. James was sparring with someone. I think it was Brad. James had a lot of previous experience in martial arts. Being raised as an adult European Man, he also had some quality that made him more serious than the large American kids.

I think James had sadistic tendencies. He wanted to hurt people. Or maybe he really wanted to test himmself against people. A person who really wants to fight will seem like a bully to a class of people who say they want to fight, but are really only doing things as a hobby or a status symbol.

I could tell that James wanted someone to challenge him so he could satisfy the urge he had to hit someone very hard. He had a tendency to provoke.

James is sparring with Brad or whoever and Mike is watching. No one trusted James so he was always watched in case he got out of control and started hurting someone. The sparring began to get a little heated and James, for lack of a better word, expanded. His chest began to stick out, his legs got wide, his arms also were spread wide out. This is a natural kind of reaction to fighting.

In Yin Fu Ba Gua, the stance is very low. A person crouches down so that they look like they are almost sitting in a chair. They are supposed to move, attack and defend from this low crouching position.

James was a student when I joined. He had been learning Ba Gua already. This sparring session was taking place maybe a year after I joined. Here is James sparring and he is standing almost straight up with his arms and legs wide open. It literally looked like there were wide open doors under his arms and between his legs.

I was stunned! How could this man who had been training Ba Gua for so long look so bad? James looked like he could fight and take care of himself. He also looked like he had never taken a Ba Gua lesson in his life.

I clearly remember thinking in that wide open naive way of mine "Jesus! He is wide open!". Then of course, after Mike heard me, he tells James verbally, "You are wide open". It was kind of funny because Mike's voice had the disbelieving nuanced tone of my thoughts. ;) My disbelief was so strong he couldn't help himself.

James continued right on with what he was doing. He stayed standing up with his arms and legs spread. After Mike's comment about being open, which I think he only said because he was forced to by my thoughts, he never said another word.

This is where the questions beginnig this column come into play. Mike, as a teacher, told James his stance was incorrect. He told James that he was wide open. After that though, he never said another word to James.

It is valid for a teacher to tell a person something one time, then walk away from them? If a teacher in a public school helped a child only one time, then walked away because the teacher felt their job was done, I think the teacher would be fired.

On a person note, how could someone say they had a student / teacher relationship when their obligation to the student only extened as far as one sentence of correction? To me that seems that act of a person who does not really care if the student progresses or not.

To be fair to Mike, I need to say that James had a stubborn streak. If Mike corrected him, sometimes James would not listen out of nothing but resistance. Maybe after all that time, Mike had just given up on James. I still think that is wrong in my personal opinion. If you give up on someone, how can you say that you care about them? Ba Gua was family style. Would Mike just give up on his own son or daughter?

There is one other aspect of this situation that needs to be addressed. When a person changs through the practice of religion or martial arts or for some other reason, they can change so that they do not want to push people. Pushing a person can be something as innocent as telling James 5 times that he is standing up straight.

When a person has gone through these changes, the feel physically bad if they push themselves no other people. It is not a mental thing. The people truly feel physical discomfort.

When Mike tells James the first time that he is standing up, Mike feels like he is helping James. If James does not change, then Mike must tell him again. The act of telling James again can feel like Mike is forcing himself on James. Mike told James once. Perhaps James did not respond because he did not want to respond. If Mike repeats himself, he is forcing James to do something against his will. The changes that someone like Mike has gone through make this a physically uncomfortable situation.

Instead of Mike not performing his responsibilities and forcing James to perform his Ba Gua correctly, Mike feels like he is doing the right thing by not forcing another person to do something against their will.

That is all good for Mike. He is following what his body is telling him and he remains healthy as a result. It is not so good for James or any other student. After over one year of Ba Gua, James was not getting it. Why is he paying Mike to teach him?

In my opinion, Mike should have walked over and specifically shown James exactly what he was doing and how it was wrong. He should have shown him the proper way to do it. He should have been relaxed enough to converse with James about why one way was rigth and the other was not right.

I would bet $10 that if I met James today and he performed his Ba Gua, it would look just as incorrect as it did back then. Mike was never forceful enough with James about how wrong he was so James felt there was no real reason to change.

The First Office Visit

2006-07-10T10:11:00.000-07:00

So I am ready to make the seemingly big step of going to see Mike at his office. I wasn't too thrilled about it actually. I mentioned how the money was a hardship for me. I wondered what was going to happen privately that could not be done in the weekend meetings.

I also do not like Psychologists. I think most psychologists are evil. They purposefully manipulate people for their own purposes. Psychologists also have a propensity for making anything look bad. They can make donating money to a church look bad.

When I was young, I was sent to a child psychologist. He was a big fat disgusting man who looked like a sex pervert. He asked me to draw a man and a woman as part of some obscure psychology test or the other. I did as he asked.

I return the following week and the man says "I want to talk to you about your picture". He says "I noticed you draw the woman's groin as a V shape, while you drew the man's groin with a rounded bulge in it". What did I tell you? Sex pervert.

At school I was enrolled in art class. The art teacher told us "Men do not have a V in the groin. Wink Wink." We all knew what she meant. She could not talk or she would get in trouble. She taught us to draw women with V groins and men with a U shaped bulge in the groin. If we did not draw it that way, we were marked down.

I explained this to the psychologist. His reaction? He says "I would like to talk to that teacher to see what is going on with her". There was nothing going on with her. She was teaching us to draw visually correct human figures. It was that sick in the head sex pervert psychologist that saw the world through his sex obsession. Something he was taught as part of being a psychologist.

I head over to Mike's office. It is the same place where I went to be interviewed. It was on the second story of a small office building. There were separate entrances to the upper floor. There was a small winding staircase that led up to an equally miniscule lobby. There was room for maybe 3 or 4 chairs and a table in the lobby.

Directly off of the lobby was the door to Mike's office. There was also a short hallway that led back to another office and some bathrooms. The room was dark and stuffy. There was little ventilation. Most of the light came from a small window in the stairwell.

I sat down in one of the chairs. I noticed that there were shoes in front of Mike's door. That was interesting to me because it is a Japanese tradition to take off one's shoes before entering a house or some other special place.

At that time in my life I was obsessed with just about everything Asian in my quest for Kung Fu. I was mostly interested in Japan at that time because that was what was available to me. I had read mostly about Japanese Karate or NinJutsu. I had also been exposed to Korean Tae Kwon Do. That did not appeal to me so much.

The city I lived in had a Japan Town with a Japan Shopping Center. They rented Japanese movies at some stores. There were many Japanese restaurants and small curio and knick knack stores. There was also a huge bookstore. Japanese people are known for being voracious readers. There was also a movie theater that showed Japanese films. I spent a lot of time at the shopping center at the various places soaking up Japanese culture.

When I saw the shoes in front of the door of Mike's office, I felt pleased. He was doing something that was similar to the practices of a culture that I admired.

Eventually the door opened and Mike stuck his head out. He was with someone and would be out shortly he informed me. I sat there for awhile until the other person was done and they left. Then Mike invited me in after having me leave my shoes at the door.

The time was early morning or afternoon. The room was smallish with 4 or 5 large windows on one wall. The office was nice because the view out the window was of a small shopping area with trees and mountains in the background. I remember thinking how beautiful it was with the sun blazing in the windows and the trees outside. The area was a cool area so the sun made the room comfortably warm and cozy instead of baking it so that it was too hot.

There was one wall full of Chinese herbs for Mikes Chinese medicine practice. There was a fold up table on the far side of the room by the door for acupuncture treatment. Opposite the windows and next to the Chinese herbs was a small desk. There was only one chair for the desk.

Mike invited me to sit down. Apparently everyone sat on the floor. At the time this was another one of the things I found pleasing. It is also a Japanese custom to sit on the floor. This will help your health tremoundously over the years. Sitting down on the floor can seem like a nothing kind of thing to do. If you sit on the floor, you have to work harder to get up into a standing position than you do if you are in a chair. If you do this multiple times a day over decades of your life, the cumulative effects are just like exercise. You will become strong in a way that you never expected.

I was nervous and tense. I didn't like psychologists. I didn't know why I had to see Mike privately. At that time, a year or so after joining the Ba Gua class, I still had the majority of the symptoms of illness I had when I joined the class to get relief. Honestly my physical condition had hardly changed at all.

Part of those problems was the difficulty in being in close proximity to people with strong energy. My Wing Chun training had caused me to develop something like a proximity sensor to people with strong energy. When I got close to people with strong energy, I would get tense, it would be hard for me to breathe, I would get heart pressure that made me want to move. I sometimes would also get very angry as if I was an animal that was being threatened.

I had to try to control all of that in Mike's 10 X 20 foot closet like office with him setting 3 feet away from me looking me right in the face. I feel kind of stupid saying all of that. It seems like making a big deal out of nothing. It is hard to explain to someone how it feels when you can sense energy and you are around people with strong energy. It is not something you can ignore like a person's voice. You have no choice but to pay attention to the feelings. That is if you want to develop the ability. I could have shut off what I felt from Mike. That would have eventually affected my ability to sense energy negatively. I would be training myself to ignore my natural feelings.

I cannot tell you what was said in that first meeting it was so long ago. Mostly small talk trying to make me feel at ease. For both of us to become comfortable with each other in the small setting. I think Mike might have asked me to again detail my martial arts experience. That would be a psychological thing to make me feel comfortable. Talking about myself, plus talking about something I was familiar with.

The meetings were for an hour. I recall Mike smiling a lot and trying to be light or humorous. If you know about energy, I was a very heavy and dark kind of person. My presence literally pulled people down. They would feel like something inside of thenm was moving towards the ground.

Mike's small talk, smiling and humor were all attempts to dispel this natural tendency I had. I didn't realize it at the time, but I can see now that even those simple acts were designed to alleviate my condition. Part of my health problems was that I always had that downward feeling about me. His trying to bring me up or lighten me would counteract that natural tendency.

Theses are not mental or psychological terms. These terms apply to energy or the physical body. It is possible for one human being to make another human being feel various sensations without physically touching them. When people were around me then, they would literally feel physically that they wanted to move downwards. It was the my energy that made their physical body want to move down.

One thing that stuck with me from that first meeting was the end. After the visit was over, I needed to pay Mike. I reached out to give him the money and he motioned over to the chair. I did not understand what he was doing so I said "This is your money for the office visit". He refused to take it. He wanted me to put it on the chair.

It was more psychological manipulation. If you give money to someone, you feel like you should receive something in return. If Mike never physically took the money in your sight, mentally you could not honestly tell yourself that he took your money. If you were unsatistfied about something, it was hard to become angry or unhappy because of that slight small detail that you never actually gave HIM the money.

Mike took the money. He spent it or cashed the check. But he never took it from you. He took the money from the third party of the chair. It seems foolish that a psychological manipulation like this would work but it does.

Mike also had this policy because of energy. Human beings have energy and they can infuse inanimate objects with their energy. If a person was in Mike's office and they had bad feelings for some reason, they would infuse the money with their bad energy. When they handed the money to Mike, they would actually be handing him bad energy.

By putting the money on the chair, the person could not give their bad energy to Mike directly. After the person was gone, Mike could perform some ritual that would remove the bad energy from the money.

It really doesn't matter if you believe in some kind of actual energy being passed from people to other people. It is true, but if you do not want to believe that, you can. Even if there is no physical energy being passed around, what matters is that people and situation behave as if that is what is happening.

Even if there is no real physical bad energy on the money, Mike would psychologically feel like there was. His belief would affect his body and his health. Even if the ritual causes no physical change in Mike or the money, Mike feels or believes that he has cleansed the money. His mental and physical health will be fine regardless of whether it is real energy being changed or if it is just his mental beliefs and convictions that are being changed.

Don't let that make you forget. Human beings do have energy and they can pass it to other human beings or inanimate objects. Whether you want to believe it or not.

Big Time Manipulation kicks in

2006-07-05T20:07:00.000-07:00

We had reached the point where Chris had disappeared and Brad had joined the class and been in attendence for some time. The bad behavior of Brad has been discussed. My dismay at his being asked to join has been discussed.

All of this time Brad had his tongue so far up Mike's butt that he must have been tickling Mike's heart. I am completley serious. That Brad could lie and bullshit anyone for hours. I wonder if that is why Mike asked him to join. He saw a fellow soul. They both had the same talent for bullshitting people for hours.

This really annoyed me. I detailed how Mike and the group had discussed Brad's failings before he was even invited to join. Then he joined and acted just as badly as everyone said he would. In spite of that, there he was, tonuge up Mike's butt, Mike grinning like it was the best feeling in the world.

I got jealous. Very very jealous.

I had been a student for a year. I had done everything Mike asked of me. I had listened to everything he had to say. I wrote down his every word. I could have qualified as his secretary because of all the stuff he said that I wrote down.

After I did all that, Mike would actively try to avoid me. We never made small talk or really had anything to do with each other. On my part it was because of the physical problems I had dealing with his energy that I have described before. I still feel like he should have tried to reach out to me more.

To watch him grinning as Brad stroked his anus made me furious. Mike used this against me to lay a trap.

I was watching Brad furiously tonguing Mike's butt. I was mad. Really mad. I felt it was so wrong that Mike would give Brad 30 minutes of his time for butt cleaning, and would not give me the time of day for instruction that I was paying for.

Mike read my mind. Or maybe he read my body language or even facial expression. I am certain there was a big sign over my head that said "I am so jealous I am turning purple".

Right about this time Brad walked away to go get a drink of water. I am guessing the taste of Mike's shit in his mouth was getting strong. Brad was....100 yards or more away at least. A long ways. Mike looked right at me. Or more likely he grabbed my attention. He practically ran after Brad yelling "Brad, Brad" like a love sick guy going after his girl.

That was it. I blew a fuse. I could see Mike chasing this scumbag Brad down to teach him. Here I was, a year long student and Mike basically completely ignored me. I swore to myself there was no way I was going to let that happen.

I waited until after class and went to speak to Mike. I asked him about the psychologist appointments he made with people. I think I talked about this before. Mike would see us on the weekend for physical instruction. Then during the week, people would go to his psychiatrist office to visit.

I didn't know why they went to the office to visit. I just know that everyone besides me seemed to go. I couldn't go because I was broke. All of the students were upper class yuppies. Who else could make Mike a millionaire? They could and did pay Mike anything he asked.

It was kind of funny. He would force the older students to pay more for the exact same class that everyone else took. He told them to their face it was a test of loyalty. I think it was to accelerate the rate at which his bank account was growing.

I was so jealous of Brad and Mike's relationship that I resolved to go, no matter what it took. If I only went one week out of 4 in the month, that is what I would do. There was no way I was going to idly stand by while Mike gave his teaching to some evil, lying user scumbag, when I was exactly the student Mike said he wanted. Honest, dedicated, helpful, moral, and with integrity.

Mike agreed to set up a meeting with me. He told me to call him up so he could look at his calender and make an appointment with him. I said yes of course. I was thinking to myself I would do anything to be treated as a real student. To feel like Mike was interested in my progress the way he doted and fawned over Brad.

I did exactly what it was that Mike had set me up to do. Signed up for office visit's at $70 a week. Not bad for talking to a person you see every weekend, is it?

Wow! This is a surprise

2006-07-05T19:55:00.000-07:00

I still enjoy watching martial arts movies and looking into things related to martial arts. I was looking at some kung fu tapes the other day. There was a whole section of Shaolin tapes. It looks like there is some corporation pushing Shaolin or something. They had a whole lineup of nice looking videos.

Anyways, I cam across one called "Ba Dua Jin". I was shocked to discover that the tape showed what appeared to be one of the sets of exercises that Mike taught us. The warmups we did every week before class.

Honestly? I cannot recall of Mike said "These are special Ba Gua only exercises that you are learning from me, the Ba Gua master". I cannot swear to that.

I know that I had the impression they were Ba Gua exercises. Something he had learned from Gong Bao Zhai.

It added to the sense of disillusionment that has been growing within me as I write this book. The more and more I critically examine the class and what occurred there, the more and more it appears to be a bunch of baloney for a young man to make a million dollars before he is 40.

He was never shy about that. He always told us he wanted to be a young millionaire. I don't know if any of us thought it was on our backs, our montly tuition an personal visits. He didn't come right out and say that.

This fits right in with something else we were taught. At some point in time Mike taught us some long pole exercises. Again, I do not recall him saying "these are Ba Gua exercises". I just assumed it since he was teaching us Ba Gua.

Honestly I don't really care if the staff was Ba Gua or not. It was a lot of fun to practice it. I enjoyed that immensely. What bugs me is that if I knew it was some ordinary Shaolin or other style form that was common, I could have gone and bought a video tape to help me practice.

Mike was a real hard case about teaching things. It was part of maintaining his dominance over us. He would teach us something once or twice and then refuse to talk about it. His point was that it was teaching us to think. I understand that and I agree with it.

I also think he refused to talk because he purposefully was not teaching. He showed us the form to give us something to do so we would feel like we were progressing and would still be willing to continue paying monthly fees. If he talked to us about how the form was properly done, soon he would have to come up with something else new to teach us.

By telling us it was for our own good to figure it out ourselves, we might be satisfied for another year of monthly payments.

It really hurts to speak and think like this. Really. I can feel it in my heart and stomach. A literal physical pain. I.....loved is too strong a word. Respect doesn't seem strong enough.

I was totally committed to the ideals that Mike spoke about in class. Helping the world to be a better place. He said that was what he wanted so I felt that same total commitment to him.

To realize now that he was playing people to become a millionaire off of their monthly payments.......It hurts not only because I feel taken advantage of, but because the dirtiness of his actions spreads to the act of helping the world.

He contaminated the goodness of the idea of helping the world with his crass misuse of the idea in order to obtain money.

Score: Mike 1 Happeh 0

2006-07-05T19:53:00.000-07:00

As you can see, Mike has been winning the battle of wills. That is what happens when someone can erase your memories and insert thoughts into your head. Or take control of you against your will.

He will get bored soon. He cannot watch me forever. Hang tight and this story will start right back up.

Helping out Brad

2006-05-16T21:01:00.000-07:00

One day we all went to help Brad move some stuff. I think he was moving out of his house. Or maybe he was putting stuff in storage because he was going to travel. I forget.

I recall that Lonnie, Jeff and myself were there for certain. I think George or somebody else must have been there but I don't remember for certain. It was a beautiful sunny day. The area where Brad lived in was a nice area. I recall feeling impressed or invigorated as we drove to his house. The sun, the air, the houses in the neighborhood made it one of those "life is good" moments.

At some time or the other, Brad had mentioned he had a girlfriend. I don't remember what was said about her other than that he had one. I think that Jeff might have said she was attractive. I guess he had met her as part of Brad and Jeff's friendship.

We got to the house and pulled into the driveway. The house was beautiful. I can clearly see an immaculate piece of white concrete for the driveway. Maybe I am embellishing my memories. I can't get over that feeling of, "Wow. This is really nice".

We went to the door and his girlfriend opened it. She was a Chinese woman which surprised me. I don't know why. I just pictured a rich white guy like Brad with a white girl. This woman was a dark colored Asian with jet black hair. It seemed so out of place.

She was as attractive as Jeff had said she was. I don't think she was dressed in any way special. Maybe jeans and a top for working on the house preparing it for whatever. We all exchanged some small talk and then went inside to move the heavy stuff.

It didn't take very long. There was not much stuff to move. We all said our goodbyes to Brad's girlfriend and piled into Brad's car to leave. I had an electronic watch that could do all kinds of things. When the buttons were pressed, it would beep to tell you the button pressed. I was pressing the buttons on the watch to set the time or something. It beeped in rapid succession. Brad said "Oh Oh. I hear someone beeping".

I have no idea why, but it was one of those weird magic moments where time seems to slow down and everything happens in slow motion. Those moments when it is obvious that something wierd is going on. I recognzed the moment, but I had no idea why it had occurred. To me, I had been beeping the watch to make it set the date. For some reason, the way Brad said he heard someone beeping, it was as if he was saying something momentous. It literally felt like the attention of every person in the car was focused on the same thing. Whatever that was.

Knowing what I know now, maybe my energy was doing something. I was in the backseat with the watch pointed to the front of the car. That means my energy would have been focused that way. The cadence or rythym of how I pressed the buttons of the watch would mean something to people. The cadence would be almost as clear as spoken language to some people.

They might have interpreted what I was doing as a call for attention. That is so weird to say because I would never think of that. Pointing the watch and making the loud beeps was like I wanted them to listen to me for some reason. The focus of everyone's attention I felt was them focusing on me waiting for me to say whatever it was. But I wasn't saying anything. I was only setting my watch. ;)

That kind of weirdness is one of the things that made Ba Gua stressful for me. Instead of sitting in a car and driving around with friends helping people, every action of every minute had to be analyzed for some hidden meaning. If you did not get the meaning, you were hosed.

So her I am, recoginzing that something odd is occurring, but not knowing what to do. Thinking I will be polite, I blurt out that I thought that Brad's girlfriend was healthy looking. No one said a word. I repeated myself. I think I said, "I could tell just by looking at her that she was very healthy".

I felt at the time that I was becoming insightful about people and the martial arts. I had been involved in the martial arts long enough by that time that I felt I could look at a person and judge their strength or weakness. A byproduct of that ability is the ability to tell if a person is healthy or unhealthy. I can look at people and see where they have trouble with their bodies.

By saying "I could look at her and see she was healthy", I was trying to say to Brad that he was a lucky man because in my skilled opinion, she was both very health and very strong in a martial arts kind of way.

I have no idea what the guys thought. After repeating myself, they still refused to say a word. All of them. No acknowledgement. No changing the subject. Nothing.

I am sitting here laughing. Knowing the way those people thought, they were probably silent because they were waiting for me to say more. That is a psychological as well as a martial arts or a social ploy. If someone is talking, and your refuse to talk, it puts pressure on the talking person to continue speaking. If they have anything to say.

If I had more to say about Brad's girlfriend, but I was shy or ashamed about it, by being silent, they were putting pressure on me to say whatever else I was thinking. I wasn't thinking anything else. I was only trying to be polite to Brad because of the weirdness with the watch I did not understand. There was nothing they could pull out of me.

Now I wonder if they thought I was attracted to her. Maybe I wanted to say she was hot or I wanted to date her. They thought if they were silent I would say I wanted to grab her boobies or something. Or maybe it was completely out of line to complement another man's woman. Heck. Can you see how much trouble those guys were? ;) Even the most simple things were made stressful and complicated.

Squirming

2006-05-16T20:33:00.000-07:00

This is an entry that is out of time sequence, but it doesn't really matter.

We were all standing around talking about something or the other. Or working on our exercises. Mike was there and suggested we do something. One person, I think it was George, was going to stand with his arms at his sides. The rest of the group would then grab hold of George's arms. On the go mark, George would begin to struggle. It was our job to hold him so that he could not move.

This seemed like a test of strength kind of exercise. In an obvious "who can benchpress...." kind of way. It sounded like fun because George was the biggest and it would be a challenge to see if we could hold him down. Mike said go and George began struggling. Not surprisingly he could move around. He was the biggest and he played Australian football so he was used to people grabbing him. We struggled a bit, then stopped and judged about how well we had held on to him.

I think everyone must have done the exercise. My strongest memory is of Jeff being next. Jeff was interesting for two reasons. Number one was that he was the top student. It was our job to hold onto him and see what he could really do. Number two was because Jeff was so small. He was only about 5 feet 8 or so. He was also mostly thin. Looking at him, then looking at the bigger white guys, including big George, who were going to hold him, there seemed to be no challenge at all.

Mike said go and Jeff began struggling. He did a good job, moving us around and forcing us to step in and out. Still, his size was a disadvantage. It was interesting to see that. I know I personally had a harder time holding onto Jeff. I think maybe Lonnie or George had a firmer grip on him that I did.

We all agreed that Jeff had done well. He had twisted about in our grips in spite of being dimunitive. I can see George in my memory looking speculatively at Jeff. There was more than a little admiration or respect that Jeff had accomplished what he did.

Then it was my turn. I was pretty confident. In spite of having health problems, I still felt I had a particular kind of strength. Wing Chun had made me sick, but I had also become strong in a way. I felt I would give a good account of myself.

Mike said go and I began to struggle. I was not doing nearly as well as I thought. What was worse, I did not understand why. I knew I was strong. I was bigger than Jeff and Jeff had been able to move. I began to feel like I was trapped. Then I realized I was actually begining to get fearful and panicky.

Looking back on it, I think it was the mental realization that if 4 or 5 men had a hold of me, I could not break free. I had never experienced that kind of helplessness before. Any kind of altercation I was ever in was one or maybe two people. I had never really considered 4 or 5 people grabbing me at one time. To realize that I was helpless if that happened rocked my mental stability.

I think Mike saw that. Or perhaps it was only my heightened emotions. Anyways, he signaled them to let me go. I felt like a frightened animal, adrenaline coursing thru me, ready to run off. I think my eyes must have looked wild too.

I did not do nearly as well as I thought I would. I was not unhappy as if it was something I had failed at. I was deeply disturbed at how it was possible. According to everything I knew and believed, there was no way that they should have been able to hold me so effectively. You can see by my writing this down how much of an impression the event made on me.

Now I know what it was that bothered me so much.

The exercise was designed to test the internal strength of a person. Ba Gua and Tai Chi are designed to develop internal strength. The reason Jeff could do so well was because he had been practing with Mike and on his own for so long. George had the benefit of the Australian Football and his time with Mike. Lonnie had done Tai Chi for a long time so he was also good.

Part of the reason for my ill health was that I had developed external strength. My internal strength was very weak. That was what made me sick. The exercise, and my extreme reaction to it were because the exercise was like taking a stick and poking it right into the spot where I was sick.

It is difficult to describe. If you think of grabbing a person with external strength, it could be described as grabbing a piece of wood. There is something hard there for you to get a good grip on so that the wood cannot move. Grabbing a person with internal strength is like trying to grab a fish. If you have ever done this, you know that they have the ability to squirm away from you no matter how you struggle to hold them. There is nothing for your hands to get a firm purchase on. The energy of the struggles of the fish travel thru your body in a wave kind of feeling. That waves of energy from the fish interfere with your commands to your arms to hold steady.

I did not understand the purpose of that exercise for a very long time. Mike did not explain it. I guess it was supposed to be obvious that it was a test for internal strength.

If you are a curious kind of person, you might like to know that there is a physical component to my mental reaction to the exercise. In addition to the mental thoughts of being trapped that made me anxious, my brain was being physically affected so that it did not work properly.

One of the goals of higher martial arts is to connect the entire body into one big piece. Although I was not skilled at martial arts, I had practiced enough so that I had developed a basic unified body. When the guys grabbed my arms and I could not move them, I tensed them up to try to move them. Because the body is one big piece, when my arms tensed up, certain parts of my brain physically tensed up also. It is like your shoulders go up into your head. If your shoulders are tight, then your head would be tight also.

That is a useful piece of information if you can understand it inside of yourself. I do not mean intellectually declaring "the body is one connected piece". I mean feeling inside of yourself that something that affects your arms affects your brain or some other part of your body. When you can actually feel that within yourself, then you are making some real progress in the martial arts.

What Happened?

2006-05-16T20:29:00.000-07:00

As you can see, it has been 5 weeks since the last entry. If you think about it, I bet you can figure out why.

Mike is not happy.

I have been involved in a mental battle since the last time I wrote. For some reason, for the first time in years, I have spoken to Mike. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, I completely stop writing in the blog.

There are no coincidences.

I believe he is concerned that a real life account of how things went while I was in the class may not be in his best interests. I am an honest person. I told him what I was doing. He knows I am unhappy about some things. He knows I will unflinchlingly write exactly what happened from my point of view.

We will see what happens I suppose. If the blog dies, Mike won. If it continues, I have succeeded in becoming strong enough to rebuff him.

What happened to Chris?

2006-04-07T12:34:00.000-07:00

During this period after Brad joined, Chris began to go missing quite a lot. At first there were a lot of "I don't know's" about his condition. Then he might have been busy with school or his life.

After awhile, there was open talk of what his status was. As I have said before, the class was not a kung fu class where you paid and attended as you saw fit. If you joined the group, you were expected to be there every week and on time. If you were not going to be there, you needed to call someone and provide an excuse.

Chris not attending class was like open defiance of Mike's authority. That could not be tolerated. At some point, I think Mike said something to the effect that Chris was not coming back.

That was truly a stunning thing to happen. I believe it stunned everyone, not just me. When Arol and Tim left, everyone else wanted them to go. When Jeff's friend left, no one really cared because no one really knew him. And possibly because they were a party to the game Mike was playing with the man.

For Chris, who we had all been told was #3 after Jeff and Lonnie, to voluntarily walk away from the very rare Yin Fu Ba Gua style was impossible to accept. Finding someone who could teach this style at the time was difficult. Having access to someone with skill like Mike is not something to be taken lightly.

Chris did have skill. I had seen him prove he had a basic understanding of the real ideas behind kung fu. Full body power etc. For him, being an early 20 something kid to think he had learned it all and was walking away seemed like the most foolish decision in the world.

Nevertheless, that is what happened. Chris just sort of faded away like a ghost. Never to be spoken of or referred to again. He was never very friendly and I had never trusted him after he slammed me. Still. He was part of the group and to see him drift off like that, without a word of goodbye to anyone, was sad.

I personally think that Chris had an attitude similar to Brad's. Only so much was taught in the Sunday classes and that was it. After a short period of time, there was really no reason to go to class except to meet people and listen to Mike talk.

I have always wondered if, after Brad and his attitude came to class, he and Chris reinforced each others attitude that they had it all and didn't need anything from anybody.

Because there are no coincidences in the world, I cannot accept that Brad and his selfish attitude joined the group, and within a short time period, Chris made the decision to leave.

I was also left with a question in my mind after Chris left. Did he know something about Mike or the group that I did not? What could he possibly know about Mike or the group that would be so disagreeable that he would voluntarily leave?

Boom!

2006-04-07T12:09:00.000-07:00

I went to class one day and it was beautiful. Maybe 65 or 70. A mild breeze. A fantastic day. The park was full of people. On my walk over there I saw people the entire route. The section where we practiced was near a child's playground. The playground was full of families with noisy kids. The basketball courts had some guys playing basketball.

We all got together and exchanged small talk. I don't exactly remember who all was there. I would think most everybody. We then formed up on the concrete to perform the group exercises.

We went thru the basic exercises. When performing certain types of exercises or Tai Chi, the effect on the body is to open it up. Sort of like opening the blinds in a curtain to let light in. Except the body is opened up so energy can leave or enter.

After the basic exercises, everyone stands at attention in preparation for the Tai Chi set to begin. We are all opened up from the basic exercises and we are in a receptive state to begin the Tai Chi set.

CRACK! BOOM! There is this tremendous explosion. It could not have been more than 2 or 3 hundred yards away from us. I don't know if anyone actually physically jumped, but I know they wanted to. The explosion was so loud and so close to us that, in our receptive state in preparation for Tai Chi, the loud explosion went right inside of everyone. This can and did cause a shock to the heart. The explosion was so powerful that there was even a very slight concussion wave that could be physically felt.

Everyone is standing there with their hearts shocked and their mouths hanging open. If you are not an open person, or do not have experience with being open, it is hard to relate exactly how shocking and paralyzing an incident like that can be.

I know I looked at Mike for a reaction and I guess the rest of the people must have also.

Mike projects strength and says "I knew that was going to happen 5 minutes before it happened".

My first honest reaction was "That is the biggest lie I have ever heard". Because that is what it was. A lie. That event was one of the ones that really challenged how I viewed Mike. To see someone whose teaching was about honor and integrity tell such an obvious lie rattled my faith.

There were two reasons Mike told that lie. By loudly proclaiming he knew the explosion was going to happen before hand, he was reasserting his power and authority.

This is hard to believe for people that have not experienced it. At some point in your kung fu practice, or maybe you naturally have the ability, you can feel what other people feel. It is as if you can experience the physical sensations of their body.

When that explosion went off, I looked right at Mike. I know for a fact he was just as shocked, stunned and paralyzed as the rest of us. I could feel the state of his body and it was in shock. That is how I know his statement that he knew the explosion was going to go off ahead of time was a lie.

There is a good and beneficial reason for what Mike did. By asserting his authority like that, people calmed down or felt safe once again. Because everyone automatically looked to Mike when their was danger, a loud explosion, if he projected that everything was OK, then that is what people would believe. Regardless of what their own sense were telling them.

The incident provided quite the insight into the personal dynamics of the group and the leader. I knew from that point onwards without a doubt that Mike would lie if he felt justified in doing so. That battered my trust in him and the group hard. I try to avoid liars in my life as best I can. They only cause grief.

I also got a more personal glimpse of how slavishy people acted towards Mike. Don't get me wrong. When that explosion went off, I was startled and I looked to Mike for reassurance. I also had enough sense of self to be able to deal with the trauma alone. I felt that many of the others were waiting for Mike to tell them everything was OK because they were incapable of dealing with the trauma themselves.

To see that they had given over that much control of themselves over to Mike disturbed me deeply.

We never did know what happened. I think it was someone causing trouble. They must have used one of those very large Mexican style firecrackers that are supposed to be equal to a quarter of a stick of dynamite. They must have set it off very close to our group.

Double Standards

2006-03-27T07:27:00.000-08:00

A few weeks or a month go by with Brad as a member of the group. He was taught some of the forms we learned during this time. There were 8 basic forms that I learned. The entire class learned these 8 basic forms and spent most of class time practicing them. There were some basic warm up exercises that were performed at the beginning of class.

Honestly, we were not taught very much at all. The weekly meetings were more of a chance to practice the things we had been taught and to listen to the weekly talk. To make contact with the other group members.

For Brad, being a rich kid who got everything he wanted, I wonder how the class appeared. He joins the class, learns some basic warmups, listens to Mike talk, and then practices 8 forms. The rest of the time is spent standing around talking.

I know I had trouble with the work ethic of the class. I felt there was an awful lot of wasted time. I can imagine how the rich kid with everything felt. He was probably bored out of his skull. So it was with no surprise at all that I noticed that Brad was not at class one day. It was maybe 2 months after he had joined.

This really caught my eye. I detailed previously how Mike had taken my vacation as an opportunity to try and get rid of me. I had told Mike I was going on vacation and then when I get back he is acting like I am a failure and he wants to get rid of me.

Brad skips class and what happens? Not a thing. I don't know if anyone even mentioned it. Writing this down, I feel like a nanny or a mother. It was not me, it was the group. It was a very big deal to miss class. If you were not going to class, you were supposed to call and tell someone. If you did not call and tell someone, you got chewed out. This was for the entire group.

Brad joins, and with a month or two he is skipping class and no one says anything at all to him. Rich kid getting the special treatment again. When he returns to class, he of course goes straight to Mike and starts with the brown nose routine. Mike responds, of course, and Brad and Mike are best buddies. As if nothing ever happened.

That really annoyed me. My relationship with Mike was basically nonexistant at that time. I could not deal with his energy so it was very hard for me to be close to him. I did not really have anything to say to him. I was there to learn kung fu and practice. Not gossip like women over the back fence.

When I saw that Brad could basically do anything he wanted, and all he had to do was to bullshit Mike and everything would be fine, I was angry. I could not belive that Mike, the man I admired so much, could be so blind to Brad's lies. By that time I knew for a fact that Brad was one of those people that can and will say anything to get what they want. No respect for other people at all.

I could not understand why Mike would listen to all this baloney, then smile and act like Brad was his best friend. Becuase that is what happened. Brad was practically vying with the protege Jeff for first place in Mike's attention. This was 2 months after he joined. Mike and Jeff had known each other for years.

The thing that really blew my top was when Brad went on vacation. Yes, just like me, Brad went on vacation. He went to Europe I think it was. For a long time. He was gone for a month or maybe even more. He did this maybe a few months after he was skipping the classes.

Nothing was said. No derogatory comments about how Brad just joined and then disappeared. No trying to make him leave. No asking him to leave. No plots or games or conspiracies to get him to leave. Brad doing what he pleased and being completely accepted anyways.

By now Brad is acting like he is king. He occasionally stops by to bless the class with his presence. It is mind boggling to me. The total disrespect he had for the entire class, including Mike. And they all knew he was like that when they asked him to join.

I can understand why Brad had this attitude. After joining the class, a person would learn the first 8 forms in 3 months or so. After that, there was really no pressing need to be at the class other than expectation. If you skipped class, you would not miss learning any new kung fu. You would only miss Mike's talk that week and meeting with the other people.

For a person full of themselves, or with no concern about others, it would be the easiest thing in the world to tell yourself you had better things to do and to skip class. Which is exactly what Brad did.

Exactly what people expected

2006-03-27T06:43:00.000-08:00

I have been working on my latest book. My brain is not thinking Ba Gua. You will need to forgive me as I switch back to making more entries here. They may seem disjointed while my brain makes the switch.

The last major event was the admission of Brad to the group. It was discussed how Mike felt the group needed new blood. It was discussed how Brad had a bad reputation as a person. How there was doubt about asking him. Then the process of him being interviewed and accepted into the class was discussed.

Brad was just exactly what everyone knew he was.

That is kind of funny to say now. I respected everyone in the group. I sat there as they discussed what kind of person they new Brad was before they ever invited him. I listened to them make the decision to invite him after they sad all the bad and negative things about him.

When it turned out they were right, I had to ask myself "What kind of decision making capabilities do these men have? How intelligent are these men? They knowingly invite a bad person to the group, and he is just exactly what they feared he would be. Are these men truly superior to me?".

I did not answer the question at that time obviously. I put it down to another case of me not knowing enough to make an informed decision.

Mike is a very smooth person. He has no trouble telling white lies if it will further his goals. In many situations throughout my time with him, when something went wrong, he would always say he knew it was going to go wrong. Or he planned it that way. He always made it sound like he was on top of everything.

After hearing this for a year or so, I thought that if they invited Brad, and Brad was trouble just like they thought, it must be another of Mike's "plans" to do something or the other. At that point in time, I refused to beleive that Mike was just like anyone else, saying things to get his way or to make himself look good.

I feel foolish acting like that is some big insight. You had to be there. You had to hear all the talk of saving the world. The talk about acting proper and moral. The talk about family style and loyalty. You had to experience the rituals we engaged in. You need to experience the personal interactions among the group members. I truly believed most of what Mike said. More because I wanted to believe it than because I actually trusted him. I wanted to live in a world like the one he talked about. So I averted my eyes when the behavior of the group did not meet those standards.

One of the first things I remember about Brad was that Mike wanted to see what he did. The same way he wanted to see what I could do when I joined. Brad demonstrated his circle walking which was a standing up kind of circle walking that is almost completlely opposite the posture in Yin Fu Ba Gua. Then Mike had Brad spar with people.

I have to point this out because it shows how Mike was a manipulator. We hardly ever, and I mean hardly ever did any kind of sparring or fighting practice. From my point of view there was no point. The difference in abilities between the various members was so great that no one could train with anyone else and gain from it.

Jeff and Lonnie were too skilled. They had private instruction from Mike for some time that had greatly increased the skill they already had. George and Steve really didn't have any skill. This was funny because, since George was big and strong as I mentioned before, he could outmuscle anyone else. He didn't need kung fu. All he did was tackle the other guy, then hold them on the ground. Kung fu didn't mean squat. James was abusive with people so no one really wanted to spar with him. He would really try to hurt people. I was in bad health. I also did not have that good of kung fu skills.

I don't recall Brad's experience with the others. I do remember my own. I thought Brad was a softy. He was rich, he had a soft and childish look to him. I am pretty sure I was older than him. I didn't respect him by his looks.

We sparred and nothing much came out of it. I was very twitch because of what had happened to me in my other kung fu class to make me ill. It made me very tight. I felt like I was fast because of this, but I did not have follow thru power. By this I mean that I could hit someone fast and it would hurt. My hands were very hard by that time and I had taken kung fu long enough to have some kind of punching strength.

Because I was tight though, I did not punch through people as is described by some martial arts books. These books instruct people to imagine they are punching through the target for increased power. I could not do this. I was more like a rubber band. I could zip my fist out and punch you hard enough to give you a black eye. I could not hit a person hard enough to knock them down.

In sparring with Brad, this is what happened. I would reach out very fast to push his arm out of the way or see how he would react. For people that do not have a lot of skill, if you reach out and slap their arm, they get so excited that they will try to attack you. They should not attack. All I did was slap their arm. I am out of range. They will need to move themselves, probably off balance, in order to reach me. I could learn about people by doing that.

Brad was good in that he did not react. I slapped his arms a few times and other than shaking them or shaking his head and body to reset himself, he did not react. Nothing much happened. I wonder if Mike was watching and stopped us. I do not recall any real fighting like someone getting hurt. There were no kicks or tackling and wrestling to the ground. Just that kind of feeling each other out.

That sounds kind of stupid. I am laughing when I say it almost sounds girlish. It was considered bad form in the class to actually get in a fight or hurt someone. You have previously read about how I hit Peter in the face and the group acted like I was a Demon Child or something. I am thinking this is kung fu and we are supposed to try to hit each other.

This attitude of the class was a barrier to me doing anything for real. When I sparred with James on my first day of class, I was wary. I knew it was a setup even though I knew nothing of James's reputation as a sadist. James was also bigger than I was. I could tell he could move better than I could in my ill health state. I held back because I felt James could put the hurt on me.

I felt like maybe I could have moved in on Brad and done something to him. I will never know because I did not do it. He did not do anything to me. I saw him in his Ba Gua fighting stance. We circled each other and looked at each other. He did not do anything that made me scared or worried I might be outclassed.

The more I think about it, the more I think Mike must have stopped us. He found out what he wanted to know by Brad sparring with the other men. Brad sparring with me was more of a politeness thing. Everyone sparred with the new guy. Mike was not going to learn anything new by watching me spar with Brad, so he cut it short.

Demons!

2006-02-26T07:22:00.000-08:00

I have said before that I had health problems which was the reason I joined Ba Gua. On the way to getting those health problems, I had gone through many interesting experiences. I think I said that the biggest part of my health problems was a lack of ground. I had a lack of ground because my previous kung fu teacher had purposefully made me sick.

To a lot of people this will sound odd. It sounded odd to me. I was a scientific oriented person who basically believed the popular view of the world. When I became sick, I did not even know what a "ground" was, much less believe in it.

I think that part of the reason I became so ill was that my mind was also affected. The entire foundations of my belief system were being dismantled by the events that occurred in my life and in the kung fu class where I got sick.

It is hard to describe exactly how traumatizing this experience was. It was like being on a ship at sea. Slowly the ship was being taken apart, piece by piece. Some violent act was responsible for each piece being removed. As the ship became smaller, I jumped frantically from piece to ever shrinking piece.

Basically I discovered that just about everything I beleived or had been taught was a lie. I witnessed events on a daily basis that completely contradicted my old, common view of reality.

By the time I left the old kung fu class and joined Ba Gua, I had become slightly inured to these events. I could see or hear the strangest things and not react too much. I would pretty much believe anything because there was a very strong chance that it could turn out to be true.

One weekend at class there was some discussion about Mike going on an outing with the women. He had gone on a camping trip to Arizona or some such place. They had spent the time out in the boondocks in the middle of nowhere.

I mentioned before that when I joined the class, a very big production was put on about how the men and women had to practice separately so there was no flirting or sexual shenanigans to distract from the class.

When Mike told this story about him going on a camping trip with the women, I think my extremely expressive face which showed every thought that crossed my mind must have looked at Mike as if to say "Hey! I thought you said men and women separate? But you went on camping trip with them by yourself out into the middle of nowhere?"

And then I thought "I wonder how many condoms that trip required?".

Mike, being the perceptive kung fu man he was, was most likely reading my face as if it was a blimp with a written message crawling across it. I can only guess his motivation might be embarrassment, the urge to correct a mistaken assumption, guilt perhaps?

Anyways, he actually came up to me and spoke to me by myself. I am laughing because I recall that as a special event in my head that sticks out. Mike came up to me by myself and actually spoke to me. ;)

He said something about the camping trip. I said "uh huh". He obviously had something to say.

Mike said he had to go on the camping trip with the women. They were going on this trip as part of their Ba Gua / Women's Way thing that they were doing. Because it was going to be dangerous for them, Mike had to go along to protect them.

The message crawling across my face must have said something like "Protect them from what? They are Ba Gua women. You teach them Ba Gua to protect themselves. The whole point of their being here is so they do not need you to protect them".

Mike said "Ya. I had to go along so I could protect them from Demons". I thought "Ooooo Kaaaayyyyy".

Here I am looking at this guy who is a doctor, has a degree in psychology, 15 years of Tai Chi practice, 10 years of Ba Gua practice and he teaches his own class. I have come to the man and I am paying him money to cure my health problems. I trust this man literally with my life, my health. He is looking me in the face and saying that he went on a camping trip by himself to protect the women from Demons.

I am having trouble accepting that. Then I think of all the other things that I had trouble accepting. Things that I fought as hard as I could to ignore. Things that turned out to be right, and I was completely wrong.

I said OK. I guess I have to accept that explanation. I didn't press Mike or question him. Think about it. The only things I could have said would all be questioning of his authority or veracity. There was only one way any questioning of his story could have ended. With me doubting him and him resenting me for it.

I still to this day wonder if he was covering up a sleeping trip with select women from the group, or if he was honest. So much of what he said has been self serving. It is not right to judge a person based on their past behavior. It is also foolish to ignore evidence that shows the tendencies of how people react.

He didn't exactly say what the demons were. He could make a legitimate attempt to say he was using metaphors. That the Demons were just a word or phrase to describe the women's fear at being alone in the desert. "Demons of the mind" would be an excellent way to explain this away.

Besides remembering the event as one of the few times Mike came and talked to me by myself, there was nother reason I remember this particular event. A reason that makes me wonder if he was telling the truth or whether he is a very good actor.

When he was talking about protecting the women from the Demons, it was not said in a regular conversational tone. He said that he actually had to fight with the Demons. He did not go along just in case he had to. He actually had to fight them.

When he said this, he made a dramatic ripping and tearing motion with his arms as if he truly was wrestling or fighting with something. A motion similar to the motion a person makes when they tear a telephone in half.

I can recall it so vividly because I could feel the tearing motion. That was one of those things that had contributed to breaking my world view. I did not watch Mike peform the act of tearing a telephone book in two. I actually experienced or felt tearing a phone book in two with my own body.

There have been incidents in my life since that time that force me to accept there are such things as demons. Possession, witchcraft, magic, etc. Much of it is in the definition of each act. Still, each of the things listed can be said to really exist.

Still. Demons. You think?

Or a horny young man with slavish students?

Shhhhh! Don't tell anyone!

2006-02-15T16:58:00.000-08:00

One of the things that seemed important to Mike about the group was secrecy. This ba gua was a "closed door" style of teaching that was not open to just anyone. People were not supposed to go around talking about it or showing it to people.

This attitude was not a one time announcement of the rules or an offhand remark. The idea was repeated many times. Enough so that I began to feel secretive about the class and what I was learning.

There was a conflict here though. The entire purpose of the group was to "save the world". The group was going to do this and that in order to make the world a better place. The class was a start. The initial group was being taught so that they could go out and teach. There were various things that various individuals did that were meant to reach out to people to help them or inform them.

I had real trouble with this. I liked the openness and the idea of saving the world. Not in a grandiose way but in a way of telling whoever I met things that could improve their lives. I am happy and thinking about all the people I can help, then the subject of the secrecy comes up.

The secrecy made me feel clamped down or shut down. Like I couldn't breath. I wasn't happy about it and it did not make me feel good. I agreed with it on an intellectual level because at the time I agreed with the tradional ways of learning martial arts. Secrecy was an accepted part of the martial arts throughout it's history.

I am conflicted on the inside. This was not limited to class. I would literally find myself out in real life helping people by talking to them or whatever. Then in the middle of what was going on, I would suddenly wonder if I was giving away too much or breaking the secrecy rules.

One day there was a men's meeting over at Jeff's. We went up to the seminary on the hill to practice as we usually did. We did the group practice then split up as we usually did. I found a spot over by a doorway that had a light over it. There was a wide expanse of concrete that was perfect for practice. The light was so bright that it was almost like a spotlight.

I began to practice my forms which were traveling kinds of forms. I had to walk back and forth and around and about so that I covered quite a bit of the concrete area. At some point a man was walking by. The man stopped to watch what I was doing.

I continued to practice. People stopping to watch was a common occurence at all of our classes. I know I stop to watch other people's kung fu practice. It is natural curiosity. After awhile though, the man was still there. Usually people will stop to watch a bit, then move on.

It is actually kind of rude to stop and watch people. The staring of strangers can break your concentration when you practice. Even if they are well meaning. I always try to stop a ways off to give them plenty of space. What the people stopping do not realize is that the person practicing is generating energy. Their energy field expands around them as they practice. Even though the observer may think they are standing 8 or 10 feet away and that is no problem, the kung fu guy can feel them. It is like they are standing in the way of the kung fu guy's energy field. Because the observers do not know about energy, they don't understand what they are doing.

This guy stayed for awhile. He just stood there and watched and watched. I continued my practice for awhile, then I got uncomfortable. I did not like the idea of this stranger watching me do the forms. He could be stealing them. I walked away to clearly show I was bothered by the man and he left the area. After awhile practice was over.

We get toghether and Jeff or George say "What was that guy doing?". I thought that was a pretty stupid question. If they saw the guy, they saw he was watching me. So I said, "He was watching me". Then they all looked at me. I looked right back at them.

One of them says, "did he say anything?". I said "no". There was this very strong feeling like something was going on that I did not know about. I felt like they were trying to tell me something or get me to say something. I had no idea what it was.

Then they said "Did you talk to him?". I said "no". I think one of them said "Isn't that kind of weird?". Then they all looked at each other again. I finally figured it out. They thought I should have talked to the man.

I was setting there dumbfounded. I had heard from Mike that we were supposed to be secretive. Here we were practicing our forms. That man was standing there watching me. If he was a kung fu man, all he had to do was stand there and watch me, then walk away with every form Mike had taught me. I have learned parts of forms by standing and watching someone practice for 5 or 10 minutes.

I was doing what I thought I was supposed to. Being secretive and hiding the forms from a nosy stranger. Then I get back to the group and they are acting like I am an incredibly rude person who is maybe mentally weird because I did not talk to the stranger who could be stealing Mike's forms.

I told them that I had acted the way I did because I was hiding the forms. They all gave each other that look again. I resented that. They were standing right there listening to the same speech from Mike about secrecy that I did. I did not understand why they had trouble with the decision I made and my actions. I felt they were looking down on me for something that was their own responsibility. They needed to clearly say everything was secrecy, don't show anyone anything and don't tell anyone anything. Or they needed to say, show people whatever you want and tell them whatever you want.

I am not the only one who apparently misinterpreted Mike's cautions for secrecy as you will find out in the future.

Masochism and Control

2006-02-07T22:50:00.000-08:00

This is one of the chronologically out of sequence ones. It took place while Arol and Tim where still around.

We had gone to Jeff's for the weekly men's meeting. We went to a local school to practice. It was on top of a hill with a wonderful atmosphere. A great view, old buildings with atmosphere, lots of greenery. An invigorating place to work out.

We did our usual warmups, group forms, group walking drills. Then we broke up to work out on our own. The area we worked out in was not that large. All of us were in view of each other. We had to spread out because of the sidewalks criscrossing the area. It was difficult to find uninterrupted level spaces without a sidwalk edge or a depression in the grass.

After awhile I noticed Jeff, George, Tim and it seems like someone else I cannot remember. Must have been Arol. They were over by a building clustered together. George, Tim and Arol had trouble exercising on their own. They did not have the focus or attention or something. Or they were too social. They were unable to work by themselves for very long without drifting over to someone else. Usually Jeff.

By this time I was feeling fairly comfortable with everyone. Comfortable enough to speak out occasionally in spite of the anxiety. I had been their long enough to decide that I felt Jeff and I were alike. Jeff would probably react with horror at this comparison. He would not want to be anything at all like me. ;)

Jeff was a quiet and driven person. Part of it was because he was Asian. He had the usual Asian reticence. He was much more repressed than that though. Jeff was also driven. He had been doing martial arts since he was a child. He attended college and Chinese medical school as well as the Ba Gua classes. I felt a kinship with Jeff.

I was a quiet person who was driven. I had taken martial arts for years. I was not good at them, but I had the drive necessary to practice continually for years. When it came time to practice alone, I was often downright rude about it. I did not want to be interrupted because I felt the practice was serious. I felt these similarities that I felt I had with Jeff gave me some insight into his actions.

I walked over to the cluster of people to see what was going on. Jeff was telling the other guys about some exercise. What you do is squat down at your knees and brace your back straight up against the wall with your head straight. Then you put your hands in front of you and hold them together. The object of the drill is to hold the posture as long as possible.

Jeff was showing them how to do this as I meandered over. I listened to the description and watched the demonstration. Then we decided to have a contest. Everyone was going to do the posture and see who could last the longest. I thought this was a great idea because I had confidence in my ability to do the exercise. I felt I had to be better at it than George, Arol and Tim. Maybe I was as good as Jeff at it.

We all got ready, then started the contest. It did not last long. The posture is very strenous and painful. As I expected. Arol, Tim and George could not handle it. Arol and Tim gave up because they had no mental strength to force themselves to keep going thru the discomfort. George had trouble because he was a large man. He was over 6 feet I believe. He played sports and for some reason or the other he was very stiff because of them. When he did the posture, he hardly squatted at all and had to lean forward off the wall to even do the posture.

Jeff and I were good at it. Jeff because he had done martial arts for years and he was an Asian guy. In the Wing Chun class where I got sick at, we did some stamina and posture training. It was very strenous. It prepared me for this exercise. We both sat there in the posture.

After quitting, Arol, Tim and George were hovering around to watch Jeff and I. After some time, it was apparent we could both go at it for awhile. I was bothered alot by Arol, Tim and George hovering. They were not quiet when they watched as if they were respectful. I recall them laughing and joking etc.

I decided there was no point in continuing so I gave up. Jeff won the contest. After I stood up, Jeff stayed in the posture. Now Arol, Tim, George and I were standing there watching him. Arol, Tim and George were butt kissing and talking about how Jeff was good at this. One of them wondered aloud how Jeff could stand the pain.

I don't think there is any shame in saying I was envious of the butt kissing. I did not want the butt kissing for myself. I can't stand it. There is something about the act of one person butt kissing another that pulls at you. It probably is the sucking energy huh? ;)

I kind of got an attitude and was being a little smart. I said "It's easy isn't it Jeff. It's masochism". Masochism means that people like to hurt themselves. I did not mean the word literally. What I meant was that a masochist could better take the pain of an exercise because they liked it, or could endure it.

Jeff didn't say anything. I had the distinct impression he did not like what I said. At that time in my life, I was something of an unknowing pest. I did not realize that people would purposefully ignore you and refuse to speak. Not an adult man anyways. I repeated my statement. I said "It's easy for masochists, isn't it Jeff?".

I was including myself in the statement. I had done the exercise almost as long as Jeff. I was not saying it in an an accusatory way.

Jeff continued to say nothing.

Even me, being as dense as I was, realized that something was going on now. I figured I must have said something that made him unhappy. I didn't know what. To my way of thinking, if he disagreed with what I said, he only had to say so. I did not understand the silent treatment.

The silent treatment was my first taste of how controlling other people works.

When I said "Masochists can do this exercise easy, huh?", I was asking for Jeff to agree with me. The way that a man like Jeff thinks, I am trying to control him. I am trying to force him to agree with me. In my opinion, that is the craziest thing in the world. We were buddies in the same group. We were standing around talking and I was making an observation. I had not desire to control Jeff.

That did not matter. Jeff believed that what I was doing was controlling. Many people in that situation will do exactly as Jeff did. They will go silent. If a person does not talk to you, there is nothing to work with. If they agree with you, in their mind you are controlling them. If they disagree with you, their might be an argument or something else unpleasant. If they refuse to speak, what can you do? You could resort to abusive language. Then you look very very bad and you will be shunned by people.

I walked away when Jeff gave me the silent treatment because I did not understand any of that control stuff. To my way of thinking, I had tried to be friendly and joking with him by saying "Us masochists can do tough stuff easy". Instead of accepting the comaradery, I felt bad energy coming from him, and he refused to answer me even after I repeated myself.

Of course Arol, Tim and George are all watching this. To my anxiety and embarrassed mind, they were looking at me like I had done something wrong. I will be generous and say that is probably my anxiety filled mind working overtime. I think they were probably as mystified as I was by Jeff's refusal to answer me.

It took me years to understand what had happened. Maybe I am a slow learner. You think?

I give up! The chronology is not going to be perfect

2006-02-01T22:46:00.000-08:00

OK. I admit it. I cannot keep it together anymore. ;) There are already about 5 out of sequence posts. I just realized after the last post that I have at least another 5 or more out of sequence posts.

I hope that things do not get too confusing. I know they confuse me. Jumping back and forth trying to keep events straight. It may seem silly or trivial but it is actually important.

The chronology of events provides the background for the changing relationships and attitudes among the group. Without proper chronolgy, a persons motivations might seem to change suddenly and drastically for no reason.

Oh well. I am happy enough that I am recalling events I had forgotten. They all add up to the picture that formed the impressions that I have today of my experiences with the class. Without all of the events, even out of chronological order, the picture will not be accurate.

Testing the new guy and Full Body Power

2006-02-01T22:10:00.000-08:00

Chronologically, Peter has joined, a few months were skipped, then Brad joined. That made it, Jeff, Mike, Lonnie, George, Me, James, Brad, Peter and Steve.

At the moment, the time between when Peter joined and when Brad joined was uneventful. I am thinking it was very short. Maybe a month or two only. He was shown the basic forms while the class went along as usual. Nothing really eventful I can recall right now.

Then Brad joined and came to class. Mike had some kind of weird relationship going on with Brad. He talked and acted like he did not respect him. But if he was not putting on a show for someone, Mike seemed to feel some kind of deference or the other to Brad. I know Brad came from a money family. I don't know if that was the source of Mike's attitude or not.

The first thing Mike wanted to do of course was to test Brad. For some reason I have this sense of slyness and deceit associated with the memory. Oh. I recall the reason for the sense of slyness. Because it was sly!

There was going to be a meeting that was a setup. Mike was big on planning things ahead of time to set people up. It was going to be planned to have the Ba Gua students do a demonstration. Then Brad would be asked to demonstrate. He would feel the social pressure and feel obligated to demonstrate. When he did, everyone would have the opportunity to judge him.

The reason I remembered it was a setup was because I did not want to demonstrate. I had practiced Wing Chun. The forms are mostly static and unmoving. They were not really suited to demonstration like the moving and traveling Ba Gua and Tai Chi styles. I had also basically vowed to never do the Wing Chun forms again because they had made me ill. Then I had the stage fright. There was no way I was going to demonstrate anything for anyone. I know myself. I do not make a problem for no reason. I don't want to be cajoled or talked into doing things. If I say I cannot do something, I cannot do it. Period.

It was agreed that Jeff, Lonnie and Cris would do a demonstration. This was something of a rare event because of the attendance of Cris. Cris had been missing quite a few of the classes of late. Being a doctor trainee etc, was his excuse I suppose. No one every made a big deal of him missing classes the way they did when they tried to get rid of me.

Cris was there because the presence of Brad interested him. Or the idea of the setup to test Brad was intriguing. I can say that because after the special event, he went back to missing classes. ;)

The weather was going to be bad for one weekend. It was going to rain for most of the day. It was decided that everyone would go to Jeff's for the class. Even though Jeff had a very small place as I described before, because it was an apartment complex, it had a large covered parking area under which 30 people or more could practice.

The women as well as the men came to class. That meant there were 30 or so people for the meeting. It would appear to be a large and respectable group of people for a new person to meet. Somehow everyone crowded into the apartment. There was some short talking as traditional. Not very long though because of the crowd. We then went out to the covered parking lot.

Mike did some more talking. Then it was "casually" suggested that Jeff do a demonstration. He did some forms and some Ba Gua walking I think. Lonnie then did a demonstration of the Tai Chi form since that was his interest. Then it was Cris's turn to demonstrate.

It was the first time I had ever seen full body power.

One of the purpose's of martial arts is to knit the entire body into one unit. Especially the advanced arts of Ba Gua, Tai Chi and Hsing Yi work towards this goal.

I had read about full body power of course. I had practiced some Tai Chi so I had performed movements that were supposed to be done with full body power. I myself could not do it. I had never really seen anyone that could do it. Because Tai Chi is done slowy, the unity of the body can be hidden or covered up. Once a particular level of body unity is reached, there are few further signs of change. A person just gets stronger and stronger and stronger. All you can see is the same smooth movement of a person with maybe a few years of practice.

I felt lucky to see it. It was one of those moments of epiphany. The light bulb went off over my head and I thought "So that is what full body power is". Instantly. Without a doubt. Total certainty.

The reason it was lucky was because cris was a low level kind of student. He was good and could do the forms very well. His body had not knitted together completelty yet though. He was maybe 90% one unit. What this meant is that parts of his body lagged just a little tiny bit. Not enough to be the broken movement of a learning student. Enough for me to realize what was happening.

I can see him doing the movement right this minute. He was moving sideways with his hands held close to his body. He had made a movement sideways to perform an attack. One leg stepped into the attack and the other leg followed. It was this other following leg that provided my lesson that day.

Even thought the parking lot was concrete, there was a slight covering of rocks on the ground. I think there might have been street surfacing going on. The parking cars brought the rocks into the parking lot with them.

When Cris moved sideways into the attack, his following leg hit the rocks. The caused him to lose his footing just enough to threaten to break the one piece unity of his body. I clearly saw him pull his leg back towards him to regain control of the foot. It was the way the leg pulled the foot back that showed me the full body unity. The rest of his body stayed one piece moving into the attack he was performing. It was only that leg that was pulling the errant foot back into position. It really was a significant event in my life. I had probably read that phrase "full body power" for 5 years in various books or heard the phrase in talking to various people.

After that, for me, Brad's display was anticlimactic. He went out and did some of his forms. Brad had learned Ba Gua from a guy named Adam Hsu I think. That style was totally different from Yin Fu Ba Gua. The Stance in Yin Fu is low to the ground in a crouch. Brad's style was standing up in an almost Tai Chi style stance with the back straight and upright.

I did not think much of it. Maybe because I was biased against Brad. Maybe because I was biased for Mike. Maybe because the Yin Fu was prettier. There really is something unique and proud about Yin Fu style Ba Gua. Something about performing the forms makes you feel special. I did not see that in Brad's demonstration.

After the plan was accomplished, to check out Brad's style, a regular class took place. We separated into men's and women's groups. The men might have stood around and talked a little bit. Then we did our practice. With the plan accomplished and the raining weather, we did not practice long. We headed back to Jeff's apartment and everyone eventually drifted off.

U need this lesson

2006-01-27T10:38:00.000-08:00

This blog is a personal memory repository mostly. There are not any secrets of Ba Gua or super fighting secrets in it. Nor will their be. The blog should stay the way it is. Recounting my experiences in the class.

That is not to say there is nothing to be gained by reading this blog. When you have been in martial arts for awhile, you will learn that the actual fighting is a small part of kung fu. Martial arts is only for making your body strong. Once that takes place, the real kung fu begins. You take what you have learned and apply it to the mental arena of life.

All kung fu moves have their equivalents in the verbal, mental and body language arena. A verbal discussion is just as intense as any real kung fu battle.

This is where this blog might be of use. A clever person will read the accounts of the characterizations of the men involved and their actions. They will use those accounts as insight into the people in their own life around them. They will learn some of what power games and manipulating other people are all about.

For the people who are not clever, I am getting soft in my old age. It is my opinion that people are being purposefully turned into unthinking and lazy animals. The people of today are not like the people I met when I was young. People today have no curiosity, no patience, no belief, no respect.

This is not just the judgement of a crotchety old guy. This has a real impact on my life. In the old days, the ways of teaching were developed with a certain type of student in mind. A student who was respectful, would listen, was inquisitive, bright, clever, patient, willing to study, able to make logical or reasoning jumps, insightful, tolerant etc.

Those methods do not work today. Trying to teach an impatient rude person with a method designed for a quiet attentive person is folly. It only leads to frustration and ill health.

Because I am getting soft in my old age, sometimes I will just plain spell things out for the people who are too lazy to, or unable to read between the lines. This is one of those things.

A favored tactic of elevated people to get rid of someone they do not like is to manipulate them until they become angry and leave of their own accord.

It is the nature of elevated people that they do not wish to be outright rude to people. They would avoid at all costs saying to someone "Go away, I don't like you". There are many reasons for this. One of which is that it hurts the elevated person to be negative in that way.

What the elevated person will do instead, is find something that angers the person they want to be rid of. They will then purposefully make comments designed to elicit the person's anger. When the person get's angry, they can easily be pushed into leaving.

For instance. Let's say a person liked bannanas. Let's say an elevated person is teaching a group of men and women. The man who likes bannana is interested in one of the women. That is bad for him because the elevated person has an interest in the woman too. The elevated man can not drive off his rival. He will not say "Go away and leave the group. You are unwelcome here". It goes against his nature to say that.

So what the elevated person will do is say something like "People who like bannanas are losers". The man who likes bannanas is likely to take umbrage at this. Once he becomes angry or unhappy, it is much easier to manipulate him into saying "You are a jerk, I am leaving the group".

Exactly what the elevated person wanted all along.

If you have experience with evil people or women, this probably does not seem like much of a lesson. It must seem obvious.

If you are an innocent, naive or trusting person, this lesson should open your eyes wide. Why?

Being a kung fu man means being alert all the time. Every minute of every day. Every single word uttered by every single person you encounter must be analyzed for hidden meaning like the hidden meaning behind saying "bannana likers are losers".

You must analyze every single event in your life. Nothing happens according to chance. Every action of every moment of your day happens for a reason. To teach you something or to show you something.

You have a choice. You can be a blind person. Only listening to exactly what people say, or knowing exactly the meanings of the words spoken to you. Or you can be a kung fu man who looks behind the words to what the person is really trying to say.

Words are lies. Unintentional or otherwise. When you reach some point in martial arts, you never even listen to people anymore. All you do is watch their body and feel their emotions and energy. You don't need anything else to know the people completely. What they will do, what they think, and how they will react in any given situation are clearly revealed by their body language, their emotions and their energy.

Words are a diversion to make you look the other way so they can stab you in the back or punch you in the face.

Coward!

2006-01-26T07:07:00.000-08:00

This is a continuation of the previous post.

Here I am with a bad attitude. Ashamed, loss of respect, embarrassed, not happy at all about the way the push hands turned out. Not happy that Peter saw what happened and included himself in with the other skilled people, even though he could not do kung fu at all.

After the push hands, we were going to do some sensitivity trainging. This was almost exactly like Chi Sao from Wing Chun. Two people placing their hands on each other, then putting pressure and trying to handle the reactions.

As I said, I was encouraged by my previous instructor to put a lot of pressure on my opponent. I had also been taught to make my hands springy so that whatever happened, if there was an opening, I hit the guy in the face.

It had to be Karma. There can be no other reason. Or maybe because Mike felt we both equally sucked. I was paired up with Peter to do the drills. I felt like now was my chance to earn respect. I could show Peter I did know what I was doing. The push hands drill was an anomaly.

We placed our arms on each other and started the drill. I don't recall if we rolled arms or not. I was placing my usual pressure on my opponent with my arms. I could tell I could plough right thru Peter without trouble. Because I had some pride, I pressed on his arms very strongly to prove to both of us that I was better than he was.

Peter's arm slipped out of position from the pressure. Just like I was trained to do, I hit him in the face. ;)

Not really though. Not hard like a fist or something. It was an open handed hit. His arms faltered under my pressure. Without thinking about it, my arm jumped out and smacked him in the face. I think I hit him on the upper lip. It might have been hard enough to draw blood.

We were not supposed to be hitting each other.

It was an accident from my perspective. I take responsibility for pushing on him hard and hitting him. I overestimated his ability to defend himself. I fully expected him to stop my hand before I hit him in the face.

I was shocked when I hit him because I knew I had done something wrong. Literally shocked. I stepped back about a foot and my jaw dropped. I did not know these people that well. There had never been any real violence in class. I also stepped back because I did not know if Peter would lose his cool and attack me.

He stood there and played with his lip. I think it was bleeding. Everyone else turned around to see what had happened. It is hard to understand. It felt like this big eye turned and looked at me. The big eye was all the eyes of the other people. It felt like one big aggregate eye looking at me. And there was no doubt of the censure in the look. They felt I was wrong for hitting Peter.

This frightened me. I was in the class becuase these people were my superiors. I held no illusions that I could out fight any of them. When they put that attitude of censure on me, I turned and headed straight for the gate in the tennis court. I went all the way to the gate, then stopped and turned around to watch them.

I seriously thought that they might run after me to start a fight. I was seriously ready to run like hell if that happened. I had never seen anyone be really violent so I had no idea how the would react.

They all hovered around Peter and looked at him. When it became apparent no one was going to be violent, I slowly walked back onto the court. I went over to the fence and sat down on the ground. Sitting on the ground and making myself small as a way of looking non threatening.

I had a look on my face though. I still did not trust a one of them. I was still ready to start running the second anyone made a hard move at me.

They all milled around for a bit in the center of the court. Then Mike turns and looks at me and says "ARE YOU ALL RIGHT". It felt just like a shout. It was probably a slam now that I think about it. I was so emotional with ready flight response and everything else I did not even recognized the slam.

I said I was fine and stood up. I took his question to mean that everything was all right and no one was angry. Then the bullshit started.

I say bullshit because I hate deception. It makes me sick. I would rather people just be honest and get things over with.

Suddenly it is my turn to be paired with Jeff. The entire point was to put me in my place. That was unnecessary. I did not need to be shown they could beat me. I knew it. Hitting Peter was an accident. Not an act of aggression I needed to be warned would be punished if it happened again.

I went limp. We were supposed to do drills and I refused to do them. I knew Jeff was supposed to teach me a lesson. Why should I play along? I felt it was demeaning. Why not just look me in the face and say "don't do that again"? I think they must have believed I was going to be aggressive with Jeff. Then he could legitimately punch me and put me in my place.

When it was obvious I would not play with Jeff, then it was Lonnie's turn. I knew he was going to try to do something to me so I played limp again. We started to do the drills and Lonnie clamped both of my wrists. It was not part of the drill. I did not know what to do so I stood there.

What was happening was Lonnie was challenging me. Because they all thought I was being aggressive and needed a lesson, Lonnie was presenting a challenge he thought I would get agressive about and resist. He was wrong in his assumptions about my motivations. I just stood there and looked at him.

I seriously think he expected me to begin to struggle like a fish with a hook caught in it's mouth. From my point of view, he had both my hands, sure. So what? What could he do now? He can't hit me because both of his hands are holding mine. He couldn't kick me either.

Part of the Tai Chi training is the ability to "Lock yourself to the ground". Lonnie was very proud of his ability to do this. When he grabbed my wrists, he locked himself to the ground. He was preparing to hold on to me because he thought I was going to flail and struggle. Because his feet were locked to the ground, I knew he could not use them to kick me.

We basically just stood there looking at each other. After a few minutes with me just standing there, we stopped. I suppose they decided the lesson had been taught to me.

Falling into the whirlpool

2006-01-26T06:46:00.000-08:00

At some point along the way, it was mentioned that there was a school playground near Mike's house in the rich town. For some reason or the other, there would occasionally be something going on there. Since many of the class lived in the rich town, it was more convenient for them.

One day we went to the school playground. I am not certain why. It may have been because the women had their own thing going on that day. I do know that the men were there by themselves. We might have decided to meet there as a convenience for Mike.

There was a playground with basketball courts. A small enclosed area for tennis. The school was a chids school. For the up to 8th grade level or so. It was a nice school because it was in the rich town.

We went over to the area that was enclosed for tennis. Some people were playing basketball and using the rest of the playground. We did our warmups and forms. The usual stuff.

Since the women were not around, Mike wanted to do something different. He wanted to do some Tai Chi drills. I have said that we practiced Tai Chi and Ba Gua both. We hardly ever did anything Tai Chi oriented. Just the long form as part of the open class and that was it. Looking back, I think Mike was hiding the Tai Chi. He felt it was special so he was keeping it to himself.

That is a striking comment because he spent all his time talking about how Ba Gua was the greatest. If it was better than Tai Chi, why was he hiding the Tai Chi? From hindsight, it was about money. His Tai Chi style is widely known. People teach it everywhere. How could he charge top dollar for lessons?

The Yin Fu Ba Gua though was exceedingly rare. Ba Gua period is a rare style to find properly taught. By focusing on Ba Gua, he knew he would always have students. That is my take on things now.

Mike wanted to do some push hands drills. I found this exciting because to me,this was real martial arts. The forms were necessary of course. I understood that. The applications of the art and the actual training were the meat and potatos.

He practiced with Lonnie or Jeff first. Jeff of course knew the Tai Chi and could do it no problem. Lonnie really wanted the Tai Chi. I think that Jeff worked with him alone on it. I wonder now if Lonnie wanted the Tai Chi because he saw like I did that underneath, where Mike was honest, Mike thought the Tai Chi was better. Lonnie is the kind of guy who would want the best. If he could sense Mike thought Tai Chi was better, Lonnie would want the Tai Chi.

Then came my turn. It was a farce. Really embarrassing. I knew push hands drills. I had done something similar in Wing Chun with Chi Sao drills. I was the finally going to get my chance to gain respect. Except for one small problem. My health.

I was still filled with anxiety. The idea of actually touching hands with Mike and doing the drills made me nervous. That plus everyone hanging around made me kind of lightheaded.

We began to do the push hand drills and right away I felt a dizzy kind of sensation. Part of the wrong training I had recieved that made me sick was to encourage me to push on people. This is exactly what you DO NOT want to do in Chi Sao or push hands. You want a very light touch just so you can contact people.

My health problems always showed themselves during something like Chi Sao or push hands. I didn't know it but the guy that made me sick set it up like that. If you put your energy on someone who knows kung fu, they will suck that energy right out of you. The can literally suck the energy out of you so much you can die. This will make no sense to an untrained person. They cannot envision how this can happen. It can and it does. It is part of kung fu.

I tried to push on Mike like I did in my Chi Sao. Because mike was an expert, he just sucked the power out of me. I got light headed and kind of dizzy. I had real trouble holding my balance because I was also unbalanced as part of being sick. I felt like I was being sucked down into a whirlpool. The circular motions of the pushhands were pulling me in.

The push hands lasted about 2 minutes. I was literally going to pitch forward onto my face because the circular motion was pulling me in so hard. Or I was pushing myself into so hard. Depends on your perspective.

I was really unhappy. There was my chance to prove I was good at kung fu, and I almost fall down on my face. The push hands has to be stopped because I cannot handle the energy.

To top it off, Peter was there and this was one of the first few classes he attended. I felt about 3 inches tall. I was really embarrassed by the whole situation. I resented Peter because he had witnessed the debacle. He shared the knowing looks with the other guys that I could not take it.

It did not matter that Peter could not do the push hands. He was not expected to. He had no kung fu training. But he still shared the knowing looks with the other guys that I could not handle the exercise.

New Blood - Prologue

2006-01-26T06:29:00.000-08:00

I knew I was going to forget something. All the talk of new blood and the buildup to it was as I wrote before. With one slight difference.

I forgot Peter!

After all the talk of new blood, Peter joined the group first. Before Brad did. The reason I remembered this is that in the previous post I talked about how I resented being left out of the interview for Brad, even though I understood the rationale.

It wasn't so much Mike saying I would not participate or being left out of the interview I resented. I resented that Peter was going to the interview. He had been a member of a month or two only. For me not to go to the interview while he went knocked my status way down in everyone's eyes.

Peter was a lawyer. I can't really say how he joined. I think he might have been a walkup. We practiced on an open piece of concrete in the park. People walked by for the entire 2 or 3 hours we were there. I think I do recall Peter stopping to watch, then speaking to Mike.

That is interesting when I think about it. All the big deals about interviews etc. Then to think about Mike talking to some passers by and that person eventually joining the group. Now, I think it was probably because Peter was a lawyer. Mike wanted people who were professionals or rich to be part of his clique. Mike had a real power trip going on. A set plan he was following unrelentingly.

I talked about all the money he made from the group and his psychology practice. He lived in an area where all the rich people live. If you have been around, you know that if you want money, you need to be around money. After awhile the rich people will accept you and you gain contact to the world of the rich. That is what Mike's plan was.

As I said, there were a few doctors in the class. I cannot say what the women were. Their isolation from the men was previously discussed. I can say that many of the students were all from the same rich area that Mike lived in. When I think about stuff like this, it is amusing. I really was the poor body, other side of the tracks student. I had enough money to pay Mike every month and that was about it. I was not a doctor, did not come from a rich family and I was not a college graduate. ;)

Anyways. I think Peter went in for a talk with Mike. Mike decided he liked him and suggested him as a group member. Of course that meant he was joining. The interview process was nothing but a formality.

I didn't really like Peter that much. He was a nice guy. He was friendly. I didn't like him because I did not respect him. He had no martial arts training at all and very little physical training of any kind. For Mike to have given me trouble about how I was not ready for his class, then accept Steve who had no martial arts training, then accept Peter, who had no martial arts training, really gave me a sour attitude towards Mike.

After being so ignorant of their first two attempts to get rid of me, by the time of Peter's joining the class, I was beginning to feel ignored or unwanted. Even being as dumb as I was. ;)

That gave me a bad attitude which was not the thing to do. It made me more quiet and more determined to not provide any excuse for them to say things to me. I also secretly resolved that nothing they would do would drive me away. I didn't care how rude it was. The only way I would ever leave was if they stood right in my face and asked me to go.

Peter was short with curly hair. He looked like a kid. Thinking about him right now I feel arrogant towards him. The arrogance is misplaced. I doubt if he was as bad as I thought and I doubt if I am as good as I think. Still, at the time, I felt like I could stomp on him.

He was another person like Steve who played the crowd or manipulated people. Same as Mike and Jeff really. Probably because he was a lawyer, he could read people. Within a class or two, Peter had picked up on the vibe in the group about me. I was a person with health problems. I had anxiety which made it difficult for me to be around with people. I was a person who did not really deserve respect.

Peter picked up on this and began taking the same attitude with me. I did not mind it from the others. I had resigned myself to accepting this when I joined the class. I judged the people in the class and decided I could live with them not respecting me.

For Peter, a guy who looked like a kid, with no martial arts experience at all, to come in as a new person and after 2 or 3 classes start treating me like that, it was too much. I didn't like Peter and I never really did like Peter.

New Blood Part 2

2006-01-24T08:07:00.000-08:00

After the initial discussion of Brad being a possible candidate for the class, the idea began to solidify. In spite of the doubts, there was a consensus that the group needed a new member. Brad was the only person available to fit the bill. There were doubts and reservations about his suitability. In the end, that made no difference. It was decided that they would go ahead and ask Brad to join.

Jeff was going to extend the invitation. As usual, there would be the interview meeting to ask the questions and play the games. At this point of the discussion, the details of the interview were brought up.

As I have said, I was full of anxiety, nervousness and impacience because of my health. Everyone knew this by my actions. If that wasn't enough, I made certain I verbally told people when I was uncomfortable. I knew what effect I had on people. I tried to avoid situations where my behavior would ruin a situation for others. Even if they wanted to be polite to me and invite me to be nice, I would refuse because I knew my health problems would cause discomfort to everyone around me.

When the discussion of the actual interview came up, I must have looked panicky and ready to speak. Before I could, Mike said, "I think it would be better if I did not go". I immediately nodded my head like one of those ornamental toy animals in the back of a car window. I absolutely agreed it would not be in the best interests of the group for me to be in a pressure situation with my anxiety.

I did feel left out. I did regret that Mike jumped in and said I should not go, instead of letting me suggest it. It made me feel like I was an outsider. I had to accept things though. I knew it was the truth even if I did not like that my anxiety was a problem in social situations.

Jeff approached Brad and asked him about joining. Brad replied positively. The interview meeting was set up and took place. The weekend after, everyone was happy as far as I can remember. They all seemed to feel it had gone quite well. In spite of the doubts about the character of Brad, they were ready to ask him to join the group. It was up to Mike for approval now.

I continued to have misgivings. Misgivings because of their description of Brad's character and also because by then, I had begun to regret not going to the interview. The more I thought about it, the more I wished I could have seen first hand what Brad was like, instead of accepting their secondhand opinions.

I felt like I was a lesser person because I was not included. Even though it was for the health reasons stated, it still felt like I had lost some indefinable something by not participating. Some kind of status or power had slipped away from me unknowingly.

This feeling was completely justified when Brad actually came to class. He was like Jeff, Chris, Mike and Lonnie. He was training to be a doctor. He came from a wealthy family and had anything he wanted. He had trained in martial arts for some years with good instructors he had the money to pay for.

Brad walked into the group and I felt like a doormat. It was not anything he did. It was more the reactions of the others. They were friendlier and treated this stranger better than they did me. A 6 or more month member. I felt betrayed after all that talk of family style and loyalty etc.

I have considered it was the usual way human beings act. Say the older child being jealous when a new baby is born into a family. There might have been some of that in my feelings. There was much more to it than that.

The reason I feel that way is because I think Brad picked up on the power dynamics of the group immediately. I was the lesser person with anxiety, so I was kind of soft and protected. I did not have strength and status. Brad saw this and immediately adopted the attitude of the others. One of superiority and condecension.

I did not mind the others condescending to me. I went to them hat in hand looking for relief for my health problems. I had to bend the knee, be subservient to them, in order to get their help. I owed nothing to Brad. I had just met him. Yet he acted as if I should also be subservient to him, because he saw the others act that way with me.

I took an immediate dislike to Brad. For me, that first day confirmed completely that he was the deceitful and untrustworthy person they thought he was.

It is intriguing how small the differences are between what I call good and evil are. Brad acted almost exactly like Steve. Talking to people, being their buddy, sucking up. Steve had a good spirit and a good heart. It was obvious. It was just as obvious that Brad was a manipulator. His every action and word felt dishonest.

Sitting here writing this, I can almost see lightness or light surrounding Steve, and darkness or heaviness surrounding Brad.

The Quest for New Blood

2006-01-24T07:37:00.000-08:00

Around now, Arol and Tim have departed, fooled into thinking I had quit, so they quit too. Probably unknowingly controlled into the decision by Mike.

Time is passing and I feel good. As I said before, at the time I had no idea they wanted to be rid of me. I was happy as a clam. Part of the group, learning Ba Gua, working towards improving my health situation. I was waiting.

During this time, Mike's constant refraid during the weekly talks was patience, loyalty and doing what you were told. I would ask questions from time to time about breathing exercises or some more concrete help with my health problems. Something more than just the generalized training everyone else would receive.

I would be talked to like a child and told I needed to be patient. I need to trust them. That I would get healthy and everything would be OK. From hindsight, I can now see what I was getting was a patented speech by a medical professinal. Go to any medical professional, nurse, doctor, paramedic. Act panicky. They will all give you the same "calm down, be patient, everything will be OK" speech.

I did what I was told just as I was asked. I was an adult who trusted these people. If they said to me I needed to be patient and trust them, they were intelligent people who were more skilled and more knowledgable than I. Of course I would act as the suggested.

A few months might have gone by in this manner. During this time a man by the name of Brad was mentioned. Brad was also a medical professional in training. He was taking western medicine classes. He was also a martial artist. He apparently also trained in Ba Gua. He trained in a different style. I believe his instructor was a man named Adam Hsu. Brad was a friend of Jeff's or Mike's or perhaps both of them. I think he might have been a fellow student of Jeff's at Berkely. Or I could be wrong. I can't really remember.

The discussion of Brad was not complimentary. He was described as a deceptive person who could not be trusted. I have a memory of generally feeling like he was a bad person. He would come up in conversation so they wanted to talk about him. But they had negative feelings about him. I think it revolved around the issue of Brad learning Mike's style of Ba Gua and stealing it.

That sounds right. There was something about Brad that made the people think he was a thief kind of person. Being nice to people and sucking up so he could take their stuff, then walking away with it. That was it exactly.

These conversations would pop up out of nowhere for no reason. Just something to talk about while taking a break.

The men's group was now down to Jeff, Lonnie, George, Me, Chris, James and Steve. 7 people. The loss of Arol and Tim must have had more impact than I thought. I thought that everyone was glad they were gone. After all, they had engineered their leaving.

As is usual with most things in life, you don't realize what you have until it is gone. Even though Arol and Tim were kind of goofy and not dedicated to martial arts, they were fun, enjoyable, likable people to have around. They broke the monotony with their lightheartedness.

In the current group, I was abosultely silent. I was still hiding so as not to give anyone a reason to notice me. Jeff was basically a silent hermit kind of guy. Lonnie and George would not breath unless Mike gave them permission. Lonnie and George were both friendly and likable people. The minute Mike came around though, their personalities changed instantly into servile puppies. James was a loner kind of guy. He was a friendly and talkative person. For as long as he was there, James never really fit in. Steve was an outspoken and joking kind of guy like Arol and Tim.

That means that overall, the Ba Gua men were a silent and lifeless kind of group. The spark or life had left with Arol and Tim. Steve was only one man in the group of 7. He could not lift everyone up. This is why I think that people began to either regret Arol and Tim leaving, or miss the lightness they brought to the class.

That information was necessary to understand why there suddenly began to be talk of new blood in the group. Someone, must have been Mike, was talking about how we needed some new people. I mentioned the interviews that people had to go through to be accepted. As the discussion went on, everyone volunteered that, no, they did not know anyone they felt was dedicated enough to join the group. We all felt we were the only people we knew that could handle the demands of the class.

I was literally stunned when it was suggested that Brad be asked to join the group. I thought to myself "they can't mean the deceitful possible bad character thief Brad they were telling me about. Can they?".

That is exactly who they were talking about.

I was totally confused. I had accepted these men were intelligent, skillful, my betters. That is why I was with them. So I could learn and hopefully be healed. To see them discussing taking in a person they themselves described as a bad apple made me doubt them. In my opinion, only a person with some kind of mental problem would openly go looking for a possible thief to come and join their family.

Then they sat their and openly discussed that, yes, they all thought it likely Brad was a thief. But they still thought they wanted to ask him to join. Because they could not think of anyone else they could get to join.

To me, the warning alarms should have been going off full blast. When I, Steve, and Jeff's friend had joined, we were all put through the wringer. Made to feel we were lucky to know these people and if we measured up, they might just possibly let us join. This attitude made me feel I was lucky to be there. I do not know how Steve felt. He still knows Mike to this day so I imagine he too felt he was lucky to be in the group.

To my way of thinking, going out to a person and asking them to join is making them look like they were powerful. They had something that the people in the group wanted. It was a settting for disaster. If the group was right about the man being deceitful and untrustworthy, making him believe they wanted him for some reason was only going to encourage his ego. Which I would think would make him even more likely to be deceitful or unstrustworthy. He would not respect the group because they needed him.

I did not participate in the discussion. My attitude was the one above. If I had voiced it, I would have received unvoiced rebuke and censure for being negative. All I could do was sit there thinking "how can these people make such a big mistake? And I can't even tell them because then they will have bad feelings towards me".

Lull Period

2006-01-19T02:07:00.000-08:00

After the unsuccessful attempt to get rid of me after I went on vacation, and the realization that I really wanted Ba Gua, I guess they decided they were stuck with me. Remember I am writing this years later and attributing what I think must have been their motives. After the vacation incident, I don't remember anything of note for a long time.

At this time there was Steve, George, Jeff, Chris, Me, James, Lonnie. Seems odd. So few people now that I am ennumerating their names. I said there were 35 people in the group. That means about 25 were women and 10 or so were men. It is odd to me because as I have stated before, most women I have seen in kung fu were a joke. It was a social thing, not a kung fu thing.

Steve ingratiated himself with everyone within weeks. He was Mike's best buddy. Following him around, talking, laughing, bullshitting. Steve was a good man and a likable guy. I resented his easy attitude with Mike because I had no relationship with Mike. I resented Steve because he had no martial arts training at all, yet Mike paid more attention to him than he did to me or the other people with martial arts training.

Somewhere in this time period, the following event took place.

For some reason or the other, people got to talking about kung fu brothers. The system of kung fu where there are elder brothers teaching and younger brothers learning. To be honest, in thinking about this event, it may have taken place while Arol and Tim were still there. The event feels like something that would relate to them.

The idea was tossed about and talked about. For some reason or the other, everyone decided that Jeff was going to be the elder brother. Writing this down, I feel like I am talking about kids playing house. ;) That was the feel of the situation. "Ya, Ya! We want Jeff to be our older brother!! Yaaaayy!!!!"

I should point out something here. Jeff, as an Asian man and the most skilled kung fu man was the natural leader or second in command to Mike. Lonnie didn't like this that much. Lonnie had as much experience as Jeff I think. He did not have Jeff's instructors, and Lonnie was white, not Asian. That makes a big difference in learning kung fu.

Whenever people started talking about Jeff as the leader, Lonnie of course smiled and went along. He didn't really like it though. I could see that he thought of himself as a leader. No one else really did though. Of course we all respected him and listened to him. In my mind, I don't recall anyone deferring to him as if he was the leader.

Chris also had this same attitude of thinking he was Jeff's equal, or not going along with the deference to Jeff. I think Chris was arrogant. I did not get to know him much. He kept to himself and never spoke much. I was not inclined to reach out to him because of the slamming incident. I didn't trust him. Especially since he was a 20 year old or so kid. I knew he was of that age where he reacted without thinking.

That is why I think this incident must have happened when Arol and Tim where still around. They would have loved the idea of Jeff as a big brother. This might even have happened before the fateful meeting at Jeff's house.

Whatever was going on, in whatever time sequence, Jeff was decided to be the de facto big brother. I have no idea what this meant. ;) I think what it meant was that Arol and Tim were always going to Jeff for questions or instruction. George too was a go along with it kind of guy in the same vein as Arol and Tim. He probably acted the same way Arol and Tim did. Steve would have been in that group too.

Lonnie and Chris would have avoided Jeff for the reasons noted above. Viewing him as an equal. James would not have even thought about deferring to Jeff. James was his own independent man who happened to be part of the Ba Gua class. He was his own special case.

This big brother stuff went on for a few weeks. I didn't pay it much mind. I was with Lonnie and Chris in thinking that there was no reason to be going to Jeff. It wasn't like he could really do anything. We were shown our forms, then we practiced.

One of my gripes about Ba Gua was that, when asking a question, the answer was invariably, "I don't know" or "Play with it". "I don't know" was an obvious lie. They were the experts in the forms. Of course they knew the reasons why things were done they way they were. The lies were, in my opinion, to enforce the other common answer. "Look into it yourself".

I got so frustrated with this attitude that after a month or so of responses like this, I never bothered asking questions again. Maybe once every 6 months I would forget that I was on my own. I would go ask a question and receive the stock "I don't know", "Figure it out yourself" answer. Then I would go off for another 6 months.

Then one day Jeff came to class and I could tell something was wrong. I didn't know what because I was not close to him. I said hello and maybe some small talk like "how was your week" but that was it. Even knowing Jeff that little, I could tell something was wrong.

Mike gave his weekly talk. During the talk, I had this feeling like there was a hole in the circle where Jeff was. We always sat in a circle every week. I could feel the circle and then when I looked at Jeff's area, the circle got......darkish or it was as if it wasn't really there. Nothing hoodoo or anything like that. Just an odd feeling that there was something wrong with that part of the circle.

After the group meeting, the women had their own meeting and the men had there own meeting. Then I was certain there was something wrong. I could look at Jeff and see something was going on. His face looked kind of hard and pockmarked. His posture was hunched over. It was totally unlike the Jeff that I knew.

We sat down and Jeff said he did not want to be the big brother anymore. He said it was making him sick. People, I am thinking Arol, Tim, George and Steve, told him good things. They needed him, he was good, what was wrong, etc etc. We all good naturedly wanted to know what was going on with a member of the group.

Jeff repeated that being big brother was making him sick and that he wanted it to stop. Jeff was a man of few words. He did not tell a big story or anything. He said what he felt and left it at that. In the face of his statements, everybody agreed that he could have what he wanted. No one would treat him like the big brother anymore.

Writing this all down, I wonder what kind of pressure the other guys put on him? Did they call him at home and bug him? Were they talking to him all the time so he could not do his own work? Whatever it was, the effects were astounding. I considered Jeff a very healthy man due to his skill in kung fu, his working to be a doctor of chinese medicine and going to regular college. There was no mistaking he was sick. It wasn't just the look. I could feel how tense and tight and wrapped up he was the day he told us he didn't want to be big brother anymore.

This led to the really interesting part of this story. The above was just an incident that happened like a story about what happened at the bus stop.

After everyone agreed to stop treating Jeff as the big brother, Jeff turned invisible. Really. Or he may as well have really turned invisible.

If you read kung fu literature, you will find stories about people hiding their energy. The idea is that kung fu teaches you to sense another person's energy. Once you attain this skill, you don't need to see your opponent. You can tell where they are and what they are doing.

An even higher level kung fu skill is to mask your energy so that others cannot sense it. This is what Jeff did. I was amazed because I had never seen it in person before. Also because, as I said, Jeff was only 20 something. For him to have that skill was shocking to me. I was envious if not jealous.

I cannot really describe it to you. Jeff was in the class. I could visually see him. He was right over there practicing. But if you were not looking right at him, you would forget he was there. He did this for about a month. Maybe a little longer. Long enough to break the energy connection that had formed between him and the others when he was playing big brother.

I am still impressed right this minute describing what he did. It was truly amazing. Once I caught on to what he was doing, I played with it. I would look at him for a few minutes so I knew I was looking at Jeff and I knew he was there in class with us. Then I went about my training. Sure enough, an hour or so later, I would realize class was over and for the entire one hour, I never thought about Jeff. Even though he was within 30 or so feet of me the entire time.

A few times, when I tried to look at him, I didn't see him. That is how I figured out how it works. Somehow, the skill tricks the brain or eye. I could tell my eye was visually registering the image of Jeff's body. But for some reason, I didn't think he was there. That tells me it must have been tricking my brain somehow. When those instances happened, I would usually catch a glimpse of his body out of the corner of my eye. But if I looked straight on, for some reason my gaze slid right past him. This was all based on a glancing looking around kind of action.

If I stood still and focused completely on looking at Jeff, then I could look right at him and see him. The effect seemed to occur if I was looking around in a general kind of way. Not focusing on him, just looking to see what I could see.

That skill works. I tried to teach myself. I can do it a little tiny bit. Enough to know that it really is a learned skill and that it really does work. And to think that kid Jeff could do it effectively when he was 20 something.

Oh the unfairness of it all. ;)

EDIT: I get lots of skepticism and unfortunately I have taken to responding to some of it lately. ;)

Yes I am certain about the above story. I have verified the skill thru observation of other people who possess it.

Followup of previous post

2006-01-15T11:08:00.000-08:00

I was so shocked by that last post I have not been back since. ;)

I haven't been able to stop wondering why it came up either. Besides the posture of Yin Fu Ba Gua itself having the appearance of a person preparing themselves for sex, there was another reason I wondered if Yin Fu Ba Gua was designed for feminine type men.

In old China, it was traditional for the men in the royal palace to all turned into Eunuchs. That means the cut off their genitals. This was done to prevent the man from having affairs with the royal women.

It seems reasonable to think that a kung fu man or martial artist would be a virile man. Someone that a female who wanted sex would find irrestistible.

The story about Yin Fu Ba Gua is that Yin Fu himself or someone else, I forget, was employed in the palace as a royal guard. How did the royal family deal with this? They must have guards for the royal family. They also want to protect the royal women. How do they deal with the potential combination of a horny royal female and a virile martial artist?

By finding martial artists that are homosexuals. If the martial artists are homosexuals, there is no danger to the royal women.

A thorough person might think, "Why not cut off the genitals of the martial artists, just like the eunuchs? Why take chances?". The cutting off of the genitals would affect the entire body. In my opinion, the men would be less effective fighters. The men would become soft in the way that a castrated dog becomes passive and controllable.

It was the combination of the above reasoning, with the oddity of the frankly embarrassing and sexual kind of posture that is contained in Yin Fu Ba Gua.

Things settle down

2006-01-06T05:05:00.000-08:00

After the previous attempt to get rid of me, that I only now, years later, realized was what was going on, things settled down. They must have decided they were not going to get rid of me. Or maybe they read my determination not to leave in the face of the entire group that day.

The next months were mostly uneventful as far as I can recall. Nothing notable other than the usual weekend classes and talks. I remained distant as before. Maybe a little more distant because of the vacation incident. I really didn't understand these men. To my way of thinking, the less I spoke and the less noticeable I was, the less problems there would be.

In the physical training. I think I mentioned that we did the long Tai Chi form, a set of Ba Gua stretches, then 8 beginning Ba Gua forms. When I started, I of course knew none of the Ba Gua forms. I would have to stand aside so the others could practice.

I think this quiet period was when I was instructed in the remainder of the forms. I knew all 8 so I could participate in the group practice.

I found the Yin Fu Style of Ba Gua exhilirating. I have never encountered another style like it. The Yin Fu styld of Ba Gua utilizes a unique low crouching stance and method of walking that is completely different from normal Ba Gua. I personally did not like the way normal Ba Gua was performed when I saw it.

Normal Ba Gua seemed to be performed in a more erect, standing up straigh posture. The low crouching posture of Yin Fu Ba Gua seemed more stable and powerful. It seemed more graceful, more acrobatic, more gymnastic. I felt is was the most wonderful system I had every encountered.

Part of the instruction of Yin Fu Ba Gua was associating the mental concept of pride with practicing the forms and movements. This was not the pride of braggodocio. It was a quiet pride of strength and dignity. In addition to the very low crouching stance, the chest is thrust forwards in a way completely unlike Tai Chi or normal Ba Gua.

Yin Fu Ba Gua truly is a uniqe system of Chinese martial arts. I have ideas on why I think this is true. I wonder if the Yin Fu system is so unique because it might be related to homosexuality.

That is a very shocking and startling thing to say. Some people would react very badly to a statement like that. I make the statement knowing how serious some people could take it. I stand by my ideas.

When the chest is thrust forwards in Yin Fu Ba Gua, the behind is thrust rearwards. The way it looks and feels is sexually suggestive. The idea that a man would perform this sexually suggestive motion of thrusting the behind to the rear, like a woman thrusting her behind to the rear in preparation for sex, is the basis of my opinion.

Kung fu changes the body on a very basic level. Most people have no concept of exactly how deep into the body the changes can go. A homosexual person and a heterosexual person are different on a physical level. This is common sense if a person considers it.

A heterosexual man thrust the penis forward for the act of sex with the woman. Every time he has sex, for all of his life, his body is focused on thrusting the penis forward. This is an important act that needs to take place for the man to develop properly.

A homosexual man is different in that he thrusts his behind to the rear for sex. See how common sense this is? The heterosexual man spends his entire life thrusting the penis forward. His whole body wants to go forward. The homosexual man is thrusting his behind to the rear his entire life. His body always wants to go to the rear.

It is this reasoning that leads me to belive that Yin Fu Ba Gua could be influenced by homosexuality. The rearward thrusting buttock motion of the postures resembles very much the rearward thrusting motion of a man or woman preparing to be a recipient of sexual entry by the penis.

I wonder if the movements and postures of Yin Fu Ba Gua are more suited to a homosexual person. If the deep body changing mentioned above changed the body of a homosexual man so that the postures and movements of this style of Ba Gua felt better and worked better for a man who had deep homosexual changes to the body.

There is also the idea that the higher martial arts speak of gaining "women's power". Woman's power refers to Yin power. The name of the system is Yin Fu Ba Gua. A woman accepts the penis, as described above in the rearward buttock thrusting motion. It is natural to think of a man accepting the penis with the rearward thrusting buttock motion. Perhaps what I have described as being homosexual, because of the preoccupation of the American culture I live in with homosexuality, is really the way a man who is practing the woman's style, or yin style, would look.

I am saying that perhaps practicing yin style or woman style has nothing to do with sex or sexual desire. In modern thinking, that is not possible. Modern culture and thinking say that if a man acts like a woman, he is homosexual, or a repressed homosexual that will not admit he is homosexual.

Maybe it is completely possible and normal for a man to behave like a woman, without any thought of homosexuality at all.

Don't ask me where that came from. I sat down to write about Mike slamming me, and it just popped out.

I almost forgot - addendum to previous post

2006-01-06T05:00:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about Mike and the group walking up to me and trying to chase me away with aggressive behavior as described in the previous post.

I started laughing again.

Not only did they try to intimidate me with aggressive body language. Not only did they aggressively tell me they thought I had quit. Mike actually slammed me in order to drive me away.

That is funny to me because I did not witness Mike slam too many people. It did happen as discipline occasionally. I don't think I ever witnessed him to it as a method to get his way before.

I can actually see and feel myself flinching as he slammed me. But by then I was feeling so stubborn, and I was so frustrated that they forgot I went on vacation, I didn't realize what Mike had just done.

I keep thinking about it, because, if you knew Mike, you would know how out of character the behavior was. The persona he showed the class anyways. The wonderful man doing good for the world. A selfish slamming of someone to drive them away is about 178 degrees away from the mental image I had of him.

That is probably why I did not recognize the slam two. I just could not believe he would do something like that. Not the man I had been listening to for the past few months.

Good thing I am stupid

2006-01-01T06:35:00.000-08:00

Last post I left on vacation. I went driving around the country, sightseeing and doing this and that at various interesting places along the way. It was fun and relaxing. The states I traveld thru were beautiful at that time of year. I like the warmth and I like the wide out of doors. I went to Arizona which has some fantastic desert landscape. Most people feel it is inhospitable. I like the desert. There is something about the sparseness of vegetation. Looking at those vast open expanses with a few cactus here and there provides a sense of nature that I have never found anywhere else.

I went to New Mexico. New Mexico has gorgeous mountains. I remember the color purple the most. New Mexico is desert sort of like Arizona. There are many more rocks and hills in New Mexico than Arizona. Arizona is a flat kind of desert. New Mexico is the rocky and hilly kind of desert. I went thru Texas and Oklahoma. Texas doesn't do much for me. It is open grassland. Flat for miles and miles. Oklahoma always seems dirty. I can't really explain why. I never remember anything of Oklahoma except a sense of dirt and poorness. Weird huh?

Eventually I ran out of time and had to turn back home. I was obviously driving all this time. I was exhausted by the time I returned. I missed a second weekend meeting just as I thought I would. I didn't do much of anything that following week. Whatever I needed to do.

The next weekend roles around and I am ready to head back to Ba Gua and my friends. It has been two long weeks and I miss them. I am a driven kind of person that likes to work on things that need working on. Now that I was convinced that Ba Gua was going to cure me, I was ready to practice all the time. Ready to do whatever I needed to do to progress. I wanted to be healthy and the faster that happened the better.

Sunday arrives and I get ready to go to class. Suddenly I find myself thinking, "you know what. That vacation felt really good. I could skip class this weekend and continue my vacation. Relaxing is great, the weather is fine. I think I will just go ahead and stay home this weekend".

That was weird, but I didn't think too much about it.

I went ahead and enjoyed my life during the next week. I love nature so I could talk about how nice the weather was and what it was like outside forever. The sun nice and shiny, the breeze fresh and brisk. The flowers and trees healthy and bursting with energy. The area I live is the greatest.

The next Sunday arrives and I get ready to leave. I have my clothes on and my bag ready to take with me. I find myself thinking "I should stay on vacation another week". I hesitate and go back and forth. Literally. I am pacing back and forth between the door to leave, and back into the house to stay. I finally decide, "what the heck. I think I will take one more week's vacation".

The next week goes by as expected. The next Sunday is here and I am ready to go to Ba Gua. By now it has been 3 weeks or a months since I left for vacation. I am chomping at the bit. Vacation is nice. I love it. But I need to be at Ba Gua. If I want my health back, which is the only thing in the world I want, I need to get back to Ba Gua. I need to learn. I need to do what they tell me so I get better.

I get dressed and grab my bag and head for the door. Once again I think to myself "You know? I should just goof off for another week. This vacation stuff is great. I am having the time of my life". Then I said "NO! I want to go to Ba Gua. Vacation is fun sure. I have had enough. It is time to get back to Ba Gua and to rectifying the problems in my life". I was actually angry at the thought of more vacation.

I head out the door and I make it this time. I walked to the Ba Gua class. It was at one end of a long, maybe 1 or 2 miles long park. I live at the other end of the park. Every weekend, I would leave my house and walk the one or two miles thru the park to the class. That was one of the things I looked forward to every week. Being able to walk thru the park, alone for the most part because it was early on a Sunday morning, and enjoy the plant life. The park is bursting with energy from all the plants and trees and grass. I feel like I am in a wonderland every weekend when I walk thru all of it.

I make it to the far end of the park where the class is. As I approach I see the men there and I smile, thinking, "I have returned! I can't wait to say hello and to see what I have missed. The men as a group stop what they are doing and approach me. I am thinking they are all glad to see me and coming to greet me. I have a big smile on my face.

Mike says "what are you doing here?".

My jaw dropped. I thought, "What the heck?". Mike says "You haven't been here for weeks, what are you doing here?".

I said "I went on vacation". Mike says "you should have told us". I said "I did tell you. I plainly said I was going on vacation and I would be back".

During all of this, the other men are standing by Mike in a group. As if they are a gang of thugs. I am feeling truly mystified. I don't know if these people are stupid or forgetful. I told them to their face I was going on vacation. I said goodbye, told them I would be back later. Now they are saying they didn't know I was on vacation. Even more strange, instead of saying "Oh we are glad you are back", they are standing together like a gang and questioning me in a harsh and unfriendly way.

Are these people insane or what?

I am looking at them like they are crazy or stupid. I can feel that on my face right now just thinking about it. Mike might have said something like "you should have told us you are going on vacation". Then he turned around and walked away.

When Mike turned around and walked away, the entire group of men, as a unit, turned around and walked away with him. It was like this group of men was one person and they all turned their backs on me and walked away.

I am standing there thinking "I don't know what these people are so angry about. I plainly told them I was going on vacation. Instead of welcoming me back, they are treating my like an alien and now they have turned their backs on me and are walking away".

Then I thought "Oh well. Everyone has a bad day", and I followed them over to the practice area. We get to the practice area and I cannot really say what things were like. I only remember talking to the men and asking what I had missed etc. Arol and Tim were not there. I asked about them.

Arol and Tim had quit.

I said "WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I felt I knew Arol and Tim by then. The idea that they quit was impossible to believe. The idea that anyone would willingly walk away from the chance to learn from Mike was the stupidest thing I could think of. I was in shock.

Then they tell me, "You weren't here for 3 weeks or a month and everyone thought you quit. When they thought you quit, they quit too". Then I said all over again how I told people I was on vacation and I had no idea where they were getting all this stuff about how they thought I left or quit. Get this. I told them it would be the stupidest thing imaginable to voluntarily quit Mike's class. Mike was about the best kung fu teacher I had ever met.

That paragraph above is very very very very important in the scheme of things. You will learn why it is important eventually.

The class went normally for the rest of the day as far as I can recall. I went home happy I had finally returned to where I belonged. With my friends. We were all going to save the world.

----------

Good thing I am stupid.

Have you guessed what happened yet? They tried to get rid of me. Again! The first time, in case you did not read that post, Jeff brought a friend of his to class. The friend stayed for 1 month, then voluntarily left because the class was not right for him. The entire thing was a setup to make me think it was OK to voluntarily leave the class. It didn't work because leaving the class was not a thought that was anywhere in my head.

When I came back from vacation and suddenly decided to stay home an extra week instead of going to class. It was Mike. Mike had manipulated me mentally to encourage me to stay home. I knew him and trusted him so I was open to his mental manipulation. I did not resist as I might have with a stranger trying to control me.

The second week, the same thing happened. Mike controlled me to stay home instead of going to Ba Gua class. It was him telling me I should stay home one more week.

Then the third time, it didn't work. It didn't work because of my thoughts and feelings. I wanted Ba Gua more than anything. By the third week of vacation, I knew I had been gone to long. I needed to get back to where I belonged. Nothing was going to stop me. That strong desire prevented Mike from mentally manipulating me into staying home another week.

When I showed up at class anyways, since mental manipulation had not worked, they went with the physical manipulation. The entire group walked up to me. This large group of men looking at one man. The leader of the group questioned why I was there in an aggressive, angry, mean and dismissive way. The group of men surrounding him emanated the same feelings in order to support him.

The entire purpose of the act was to drive me away. A large menacing group of men speaking harshly to one man in order to drive him off.

Good thing I am stupid. I am looking at them like they are my friends. They are my Ba Gua buddies. I really truly believe they are stupid and forgot I told them I was going on vacation. I really truly believed that Mike was going to help me with my health as he said. I really truly believed he cared about me, and that I was part of his Ba Gua family style.

When the came at me with that group and that pushing away attitude, I acted like they were my friends that had a wild hair up their butt. I never for an instant considered that they did not want me around anymore. That they were trying to drive me away with their aggressive behavior.

Looking back on it, I laugh uproariously every time I think about it. Here are these men being mean and aggressive, trying to drive me away. And I am looking at them like, "You guys are my friends. We are all Ba Gua family. I don't know why you are angry, but I forgive you".

If you understand real kung fu, you will know that there was nothing they could do. My simple and honest believe that they were my friends stole their power. They could not be mean and aggressive to a person who was smiling at them, laughing with them, and telling them how much he missed them, and was glad to be back.

And I did it by accident. Many people do those kinds of things on purpose. That is how they manipulate others. I was just being my honest self, and I was employing a powerful kung fu concept no one had ever explained to me.

To complete the story, Mike had also driven off Arol and Tim. Remember the men's meeting I told you about? The one at Jeff's house where the room separated into Chris, Jeff and Steve on one side, with me, Arol and Tim on the other side? And I said I just happened to be on Arol and Tim's side because I refused to let people force me to move?

I believe that night was the pivotal night. I believe Jeff and Chris reported back to Mike. I believe they all decided that Arol, Tim and I did not fit in the group. All because Arol decided he would be a man and stand up for what he believed in, instead of backing down and doing what Jeff and Chris told him.

When I went on vacation, I provided the opportunity for them to get rid of us. While I was on vacation, Mike mentally manipulated Arol and Tim into believeing that I had quit. Since I had quit, they should quit too. Being the sheep they were, it was easy to mentally control them. Arol and Tim quit.

Then I came back and Mike was set to finish the job. He mentally manipulated me 2 weeks in a row to stay home instead of go to class. There was a problem though. I really was a kung fu man. I really wanted kung fu. Arol and Tim were taking it as a lark. They didn't care so it was easy to mentally snuff out their interest. Because I was a driven kung fu man, my interest was not so easy to snuff out. I beat Mike's mental manipulation to stay home that 3rd week.

Then I beat their physical manipulation because I believed in their lies. That they were good men who told the truth. That they had devoted their lives to helping others. That they liked me and wanted to include me in their group. That I was a "generator" as Mike had so proudly pointed out a few weeks earlier.

If I wasn't so stupid, believing their lies, I would have seen the group of thugs that approached me with an angry attitude that day. I would have seen Mike telling me "Go away. We don't want you here".

I am laughing right now thinking how I, a physically and mentally sick person, beat a 20 year Tai Chi, 10 year Ba Gua, trained psychologist and chinese medicine doctor, and his group of thugs, with nothing more than my simple and honest belief that they were good men and they were my friends.

Vacation Time!

2006-01-01T06:23:00.000-08:00

Here it is, summer as I described in the previous post. Beautiful, traditional time for most people to go on vacation. I am feeling good about things. I have been in Ba Gua for 4 or 5 months now. I have been listening to Mike talk in the weekly talks and I love what I hear. This family syle, honor, loyalty, dignity stuff is what I always dreamed martial arts was about.

All the martial arts I had taken up to that point in time were basically a joke. White boys who thought they knew kung fu teaching people. Looking back, half of those people should never have been allowed to be instructors. It is truly mind boggling the number of people that are martial artists, but have no idea what real kung fu is.

Or the school was set up so the special people were trained and the not special were ignored. This could have been favoritism at any school, or the special people were asians and everyone else was the not special. That was my experience with martial arts up until I met Mike. No one talked about dignity and doing good with anything like true belief.

I wonder now if I was bamboozled. I know Mike is a con artist who can convince anyone of anything. I wonder if he really believed what he said on the weekends, or if it was part of his plan to become rich. I would be really disappointed if that was the case. As this narrative progresses, you will come to understand my confusion.

I am feeling like a million bucks. I am part of a group of people. Their stated purpose is to help and teach people in general. Mike said to help the world. Literally. The purpose of the group was to help the world. I liked that. I do not approve of special treatment for different groups.

I felt that, even though it was slow going, I was feeling a little better. Even though Mike never really took time to work with me, I felt like I was learning. The opportunity to meet the people every weekend or during the week made me feel good. I liked all of them and respected them for the most part.

Everything was wonderful! Everything was fantastic! Life couldn't be better than this.

I decided to go on vacation. I was going to be gone for a week I think it was. Driving around the country doing this and that. I talked to the group about the vacation. Letting them know I was going to leave. Was that OK? Would it be any kind of a problem? I was going to be gone for a week. I would probably miss weekend classes and the men's meetings. One week while I was on vacation and the next week because I would not return in time.

Everything was fine. I don't remember anyone making any comments one way or the other to be honest. I was going on vacation. So what? People had been going on vacation all summer. People came and went to class all the time for business trips or emergencies or whatever.

I said goodbye to everyone that weekend and left for vacation.